Great Lines From Television Shows

[Phenom]

It's never easy

Dylan Hunt - Andromeda

[CJvR]

Blackadder Goes Forth:

Bob Parkhurst:
I want to see how a war is fought, so badly.
Captain Blackadder:
Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

[Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans]
General Melchett:
You look surprised, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder:
I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
General Melchett:
Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Captain Blackadder:
Our battles are directed, sir?

[Blackadder is interrogating Captain Darling who is suspected of being a German spy]
Captain Darling:
I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Captain Blackadder:
So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German!

Lieutenant George:
Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around have you, who might be German spies?
Brigadier Smith:
Nein.

[they walk into the misty trench, waiting for the off - suddenly there is silence - the machine guns stop]
Captain Darling:
I say, listen - our guns have stopped.
Lieutenant George:
You don't think...
Private Baldrick:
Perhaps the war's over. Perhaps it's peace.
Captain Darling:
Thank God. We lived through it. The Great War, 1914 to 1917.

Lieutenant George:
The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building.
Captain Blackadder:
George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

Lieutenant George:
You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
Private Baldrick:
Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.
Lieutenant George:
Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.
Captain Blackadder:
What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?

General Melchett:
Are you looking forward to the big push?
Private Baldrick:
No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
General Melchett:
The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder:
About thirty-five miles behind you.

Lieutenant George:
Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Captain Blackadder:
Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

[presiding over Blackadder's Court-Martial]
General Melchett:
Before we sentence the deceased, I mean defendant, I think we had better hear from the prosecution.

Captain Blackadder:
So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert?
Captain Darling:
I'm only doing my job, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder:
Well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby.

[on the new plan to win the war]
General Melchett:
There is, however, one small problem.
Captain Blackadder:
That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds?
General Melchett:
That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
Captain Blackadder:
Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious suggestion.

[Baldrick enters the witness box at Blackadder's trial]
Captain Blackadder: [whispering]
Baldrick! Deny everything!
Captain Darling:
You are Private Baldrick?
Private Baldrick:
No.
Captain Darling:
Are you not Captain Blackadder's batman?
Private Baldrick:
No.
[Blackadder beats his head against the desk]


Nurse Mary: [in bed together, Nurse Mary is asking Blackadder whether he has a girl back home in England]
And no casual girlfriends?
Captain Blackadder:
Skirt? Ha! If only. When I joined up we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt you shot him and nicked his country.

[Techno_Union]

Stewie walks towards Lois...

Stewie: Lois, I have a present for you. I'll give you a hint, it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Stewie's standing in an airport talking to an airline lady...

Stewie: ...and I want an in-flight happy meal! But no pickles! God help me if I find pickles!

British Lady: You're a strange girl aren't you?

Grace: Why do the British always insult you then ask you to agree with them?

British Lady: Maybe it's because we think you Americans are rather silly, don't you think?

Some of them might not be exact as I did them from memory.

[Imperial Overlord]

Andromeda:

Dylan: So what your saying you couldn't possibly have killed him, because if you had killed him, there wouldn't be any evidence?
Tyr: Exactly. I am obviously being framed.

[Chmee]

Stargate SG-1, as they plummet toward Earth marooned on the surface of an asteroid, trying once again to save the planet:

O'Neill: "Carter ...... I can see my house!"

"Here's to wearin' a badge, carrying a high-powered side-arm, and... hopefully, being right more often than we're wrong." (the one and only Lennie Briscoe of Law & Order)

[The Yosemite Bear]

"you've killed more with one of your lies then I have in a lifetime."-CSM, memiors of a cigarette smoking man, X-files.

[RogueIce]

Josh & Donna West Wing quotes:

Donna: We have colonized Puerto Rico and they will rise up against us.
Josh: I think we can take 'em.
Donna: That's what we said about the British.
Josh: We took the British.
Donna: You know what I'm saying.
Josh: Hardly ever.

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