Great Lines From Television Shows

[HemlockGrey]

Post your favorite lines, speeches, quotes, one-liners, monologues, and other repetitive synonyms from your favorite television show or miniseries (television movies excluded!) here, so that we may all bask in their greatness.

No Star Trek, Babylon 5, or Firefly please, there's acres of that stuff in OSF

I'm very good with pain.

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.

I am not a number, I am a free man.

The dog's name is Pete. If he tries to mount you in the middle of the night, say "no" sternly, but don't look him in the eye.

And that I am besides half-witted. Senators, it is true that I am hard of hearing, but you will find it is not for want of listening. As for speaking, again, it's true I have an impediment. But isn't what a man says more important than how long he takes to say it?

It's true again I have little experience of government. But then, have you more? I at least have lived with the imperial family who has ruled this empire ever since you so spinelessly handed it over to us. I've observed it working more closely than any of you.

Is your experience better than that? As for being half-witted, well, what can I say - except that I have survived to middle age with *half* my wits, while thousands have died with *all* of theirs intact. Evidently, *quality* of wits is more important than *quantity*. Senators, I shall do nothing unconstitutional; I shall appear at the next session of the senate where you may confirm me in my position or not as you wish. But if it pleases you not to, explain your reasons to them, not to me.

Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
Edmund Blackadder: No.
Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund
Edmund Blackadder: Oh, know him? Yes, I do.
Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?
Edmund Blackadder: (after a very long pause) Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.

[FireNexus]

You're a constipator, peanut. You disturb my shit, and that's annoying.

[PrinceofLowLight]

Paraphrasing here...

Tiberius: I will make you my successor, Gaius Caligula. Rome deserves you.
Caligula: Is that a joke, uncle?
Tiberius: Not yet, but it will be.

[Sharp-kun]

Rimmer: Step up to red alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutly sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

[Patrick Degan]

Andy Sipowitz: "Don't you understand? These people worship cows. They let them live in their houses with them. They'd rather starve to death than eat one. Y'know what this crime's going to be about? The fact that two hundred years ago, some bride wasn't a virgin. And this put a curse on the whole family line. Now the moon is up Jupiter's asshole and some seventh son of a seventh son is seeking vengeance."

Bobby Simone: "So now we have a theory of the case."

And this one:

Andy Sipowitz Jr. (deceased): "That's Jesus Christ you just pissed off, Dad. Congradulations on 'pissin off Jesus."

[Joe]

From the funniest show on primetime, Scrubs:

"Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated Bastards with Bastard filling."

"Listen Supergirl, I'm gonna break you down into so many little pieces, that my grandmother who CAN do a 1000 piece puzzle of a clear blue sky in less than an hour will never be able to finish putting you pack together again."

"I don't really have one ready, but I suppose I could riff a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let's see: low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, high definition TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O. C.,' the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans; the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff the Wiggle that sleeps a lot, the Yankees payroll, the red states, the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, and everything that exists, past, present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh, and Hugh Jackman."

"Morning, class. As residency director, it is my pleasure to have both Surgical and Medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room we have enough brain power to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws."

[aerius]

Zapp & Fry from Futurama: "We had Snoo snoo!"

[Queeb Salaron]

Some good Normisms. (Cheers, you dolt.)

I'll have you know I cannot be bought, and I cannot be threatened. But you put the two together, and I'm your man.

Sam: What's new, Norm?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.

Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down?

Sam: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.

Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: It's a dog eat dog world. And I'm wearing milkbone underwear.

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is, what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please.

Norm: Oh my God. Look at those legs. If those legs are attached to anything, even a truck, I'm going to marry it!

[Stormbringer]

From Futurama

Fry on being sentenced to death by snoo snoo: I never though I would die like this. But I always hoped I would.

Zap Branigan: Kyf, lets show them what a runaway bloated defense budget can do.

[White Haven]

Mary: I know you don't worship any God I believe in.

Josh: Yeah, well your God was too busy being indicted for tax fraud.

[spongyblue]

Fry, FutureRama

"I used to drink a twelve pack of soda every day. Right up until my third heartattack"

Homer, The Simpsons

"Trying is the first step towards failure"

[Uraniun235]

I am not a sex machine. And I cannot be expected to make love willy-nilly every fortnight!

[consequences]

Joe, you suck. You really really suck. Posting my freaking sig line before I can...razzin frazzin frickin frackin...

From Black Adder 2

"Young Crone, here is a purse of monies... that I'm not going to give to you"

.

[Lord Pounder]

Steve Martin in Sgt Bilko.

Casino Manager - Is there anything i can do for you?

Sgt Bilko - Yes, go to your vault and tell your money we'll be togeather real soon.

[RogueIce]

Lester: That is my only failing. That I didn’t give her a mother worth a damn. That pathetic excuse for a human being. That woman is a waste of flesh and bone. Constantly having to be led by the nose. And frankly I was getting exhausted. So thank you. You did me a favor, sending little Rebecca back to whatever trailer park she came from. Good job.
Yokas: {banging on the cell door} Hey guys, child abuser.

For those who don't know, Lester is in jail. And the room he was in was full of inmates. And inmates have a tendency to not like certain criminals...such as child abusers.

[J]

From Family Guy:

Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down at his crotch in shame]

[Mr Bean]

From Futurama
Fry-Wait its not some terrible secret like that its secretly made out of people?
Leilia-They already had a soda like that, it was called Soul Cola
Fry-....Oh...how was it?
Leilia-Depended on the person

[Galvatron]

Sam: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm: Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.

Paul: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
Norm: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

[Queeb Salaron]

You wanna go, pal?

Paul: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
Norm: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

Sam: Hey, Norm. Whatchya up to?
Norm: My ideal weight if I was 11 feet tall.

Cliff: The first sign of post-cranial trauma is a blearing of the metatarsals...
Sam: Shut up, Cliff.
Cliff: Fine. Wallow in ignorance. It's like we're re-entering the Dark Ages.
Coach: Do we gain an hour or lose an hour there?

[Patrick Degan]

From Law & Order:

When you're taught by Jesuits you grow up either obedient or impertinent.

[thecreech]

Samurai Jack Episode (the traveling creatures)

(Jack finds a portal of time which has a Guardian, After trying to reason with him Jack sees that fighting will be the only way. Jack pulls out his sword the Guardian says)

Guardian: Oh, you goin' all old-school on me, huh?

[Imperial Overlord]

Homicide, Life on the Street

Series premier. Munch talking with a suspect.

That's the best you've got for me? That's it? Are you saving the really good lies for my partner? I've been a murder police for ten years! When you lie to me, you lie with respect!

[VF5SS]

M*A*S*H: Yankee Doodle Doctor.

Hawkeye at the end of the movie "Yankee Doodle Doctor"

"Three hours ago this man was in a battle. Two hours ago we operated on him. He's got a 50-50 chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises, no guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie, but then no war is a movie."

That wasn't a bad message for a sitcom =D

[Zaia]

West Wing quotes!!

Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally.
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand, did you trip over something?

CJ: The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the other one gets eaten.
Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.

Ainsley: Oh, I just want to die.
Leo: This is the White House, you get used to that feeling.

Leo: How was the flight?
Bartlet: It was great.
C.J.: It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?

Bartlet: You know what I would like to have happen right now?
[Josh enters]
Bartlet: Josh coming into the room wasn't even close.

Leo: He's stopping by on his way from the thing. How're you doing Ainsley?
Ainsley: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
Leo: Okay. Well now I am too.

[Zaia]

Josh & Donna West Wing quotes:

Donna: We have colonized Puerto Rico and they will rise up against us.
Josh: I think we can take 'em.
Donna: That's what we said about the British.
Josh: We took the British.
Donna: You know what I'm saying.
Josh: Hardly ever.

Donna: Philately's fun, Josh.
Josh: I'm sorry. What's fun?
Donna: Philately...stamp collecting.
Josh: Careful how you say that 'cause...
Donna: Can we work?

Josh: Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning, people. Victory is mine!
Donna: Good morning, Josh.
Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest bagels and muffins in the land.
Donna: It's going to be an unbearable day.