Coyote Rates the Dogs IV: Sands of Oblivion

[Coyote]

This was an hour and a half of my life that may, it turns out, totally change my life. I am thinking about becoming a Republican. Because Republicans are against abortion; and this movie was an abortion.

But then, what would I have to write about?

Yes, it is time for another round of Coyote Rates the Dogs. For those of you just tuning in, sometimes I rate movies-- specifically, movies that have already been around the block and show promise. A promise of bad. Today's movies is the cream of the crop of bad:

The Sands of Oblivion, a Sci-Fi Channel Original movie.

In my defense, I did not know it was a Sci-Fi (Syfy? Siffy?) Channel original movie. It was from the old days, the Before Times, when Sci-Fi Channel still had the words "Sci" and "Fi" in their title, and that meant you could kind of hold them accountable for actually producing, you know, sci-fi. I got it on NetFlix Instant Watch, which is a cool way to see asstasstic movies for little real cost (except in time. Oh, the wasted heartbeats represented by Sands of Oblivion. I could have cleaned the muck from between a hundred toes in that time).

In Sands of Oblivion we are given a bit of a treat (for the record, when I say "treat", my dog Sadie gets excited and happy. She knows she's going to get something yummy. Dispense with any such notion WRT this movie). The treat is Adam Baldwin and Morena Baccarin, fresh from their bout of success with Firefly and seeking to humble themselves.

The backstory is that in 1923, Cecile B. DeMille (yes, the Cecil B. DeMille) filmed the movie "The Ten Commandments" in some rathole desert in California. Whether that actually happened or not doesn't matter; I obviously have a computer at my fingertips and I can't be bothered to look it up on Wikipedia. It's just backstory. It explains why Morena Baccarin is an archaeologist in Southern California, digging up the remnants of the Cecil B. DeMille movie set in the harsh and unforgiving desert.

Anyhow, in 1923, Cecil B. DeMille filmed his story of the Israelites leaving Egypt, and so he built a massive, quasi-Egyptian city in the sands of wood and plaster to film at. We learn later that he also bought a bunch of actual Egyptian tomb artifacts to place on the set, because apparently the 1923 audiences at the time were really, really wrapped around the axle with regards to "historical accuracy". The Egyptian tomb artifacts come with --of course-- an ancient Egyptian curse.

WooHoo!

You got Egyptian curse, you got movie, baby, and that's what this is all about. Anyhow, after the 1923 set-up we met an old man who was a child at the time of the filming. He buried a time capsule at the movie set, to show future generations what it was like to live at their time, in 1923. Of course, at the time he filled his time capsule with artifacts from the movie set, so theoretically a future archaeologist would find "ancient Egyptian" artifacts in the southern California desert, and be all "WTF?" Which would probably have been for a more fun movie, since we could at least work in the Stargate.

So it is the modern day, and the young boy is now the old man, and he's looking for his time capsule (hint to old man: time capsules are most effective when someone else digs them up and says "damn, those people back then were stupid!". It takes the wind from the sails when you dig up your own time capsule and say "Damn, I forgot I put my lucky silver dollar in there; I never would have accused Dolores of pawning it and we'd still be married!") The old man opens the time capsule, grabs the Ancient Egyptian locket he found and placed in there, and --bingo-- evil spirit is freed. (Note: the amulet is accurately identified as "the eye of Horus", which is correct, and in direct juxtaposition to those erroneous writers on Stargate who identified it as "the eye of Ra". Take that, Stargate! The writers on Sands of Oblivion apparently felt they'd done their job at that point, because they appear to have folded up shop and let Morena Baccarin carry the rest of it.)

The evil spirit is the only vaguely cool thing in the movie, besides Morena Baccarin in short-shorts. The evil spirit that is freed is essentially an undead Anubis.

Now, most of us in nerdland think "Anubis" and "undead" (and "Morena Baccarin") and think, "cha-ching, this movie can't lose! But I hate to tell you, it can. Think about that for a moment, and realize that all the ingredients for success are there, yet the Sci-Fi channel still manages to fumble this like the 2000 election.

The undead Anubis kills the old man, leaving only his grieving grandson, a guy who's name I don't remember. The grandson is Army Dude, because he was in the Army and in Iraq at some point. As grandson Army Dude is pining over how is beloved old grandpa was ripped apart by an evil undead Anubis, Morena Baccarin approaches in short-shorts and offers her condolences. The condolences of Morena Baccarin are like a trip to Burger King for an Ethiopian, because Army Dude is immediately cured of his blues. Army Dude reveals that he was in "Combat Logistics" in Iraq, which means he was a supply clerk, in much that same way that "sanitation engineer" means "garbageman". A supply clerk who somehow "saw a lot of things a man should never see" in Iraq, I'm guessing something having to do with the Gypsy hookers that were camped out by the old racetrack in '05, syphilis, and pustules.

Don't ask.

But Army Dude is apparently the brother to the chick in Aliens vs. Predator, because for a supply clerk, he got a degree in "military". He knows all about explosives and stuff, which is odd because we never get to see him use any of this stuff. He just flirts with Morena Baccarin as bodies pile up around them. A hot chick disappears --consumed by the undead Anubis-- and no one cares, which pushes me right out of the reality of the movie because as we all know, in real life, when a hot chick disappears it is in "Nancy Grace" for a week (but then, the hot chick was Black, so... hey, I'm just sayin').

Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! Adam Baldwin!

Adam Baldwin plays a gay guy. I assume he's a gay guy because, in the movie, he is married to Morena Baccarin's character but they are getting a divorce. He's letting a fine piece of ass like Morena Baccarin slip away; ergo, he's a gay guy. But he never tries to make a play for the Army Dude, who is supposed to be hot (we know this because Disappeared Hot Black Chick said, at one point, "he's hot") so he may just be confused. Anyhow, Adam Baldwin shows up and they try to figure out the mystery of disappearing hot chicks and other assorted deaths.

Other assorted deaths? Oh, yeah-- a bucket loader operator is suddenly swarmed by poisonous scorpions, who sting him. He panics, hits some levers, and his bucket loader surges forward and decapitated another dude with the blade of the bucket. The only kinda cool death on the show, really, because the Dead Guy's body stands there, quivering, spurting blood Monty Python-style before collapsing. Kind sweet.

Army Dude, Morena, and Adam go into the movie set and encounter evil undead Anubis, who fails to kill Morena Baccarin. The Anubis didn't have a problem killing anyone else, but... hey. Anubis devolves into sand, whooshes away, and emerges outside, where he goes after another hot chick. (So far, I find myself liking Anubis's style). Instead of killing her, though, he gives her a kind of boring arm tattoo. Adam Baldwin, Morena, and Army Dude can't figure out who the "mysterious attacker" was, even though Adam Baldwin is supposed to be the foremost guy in Egyptology. Bear in mind that I myself am, at best, an amateur hobbyist in Egyptology, and I can recognize an Anubis when I see one, especially when the whole goddamn movie set is crowded with Anubis statuettes, mocking the characters, as if saying, "yo, bitch--lookit me. Anubis." No one ever says, "that guy looks like these statues. Who are these statues of?" and the Egyptologist Adam Baldwin can say, "That's Anubis, motherfucker."

It never happens. Potentially the coolest line in the movie goes unsaid, the vast potential --like Morena Baccarin in this movie-- untapped.

Later that night, Adam Baldwin sees the other hot chick with her arm tattoo glowing, walking away muttering in Ancient Egyptian. I thought, "aha, Anubis has a slave in the camp of the unbelievers!" and I'd get to see this chick unleash some zombie dead-eyed whup-ass on folks, even Adam Baldwin. Alas, no, she is tranced into wandering to an area where a snake made of sand can devour her; making her whole set-up little more than an order for a Happy Meal.

A snake made of sand. What the fuck is this, The Abyss? One lousy cameo by Apep, the devourer of the undead whose hearts have been weighed by Anubis and found wanting of purity, unfit to ride the great celestial sun-barge or Ra; and he is reduced to a brief cameo, eating a minion?

Just for the record, that run-on sentence contained more actual Egyptology than the entire movie, where the words "Anubis" and "undead" are never even spoken aloud.

Anyhow, Adam Baldwin becomes a minion of Anubis, etc, and there's an old Army buddy of Army Dude's who gives him an assload of guns and shit that end up never getting used. Adam "Minion" Baldwin kidnaps Morena Baccarin and there's a dune buggy chase (don't ask) and a county sheriff chases them shooting at Army Dude for some unknown reason, even though Army Dude never shot at the sheriff and Adam "Minion" Baldwin did. The county sheriff and his minion crash their off-road trucks, but everyone crawls out safe & sound, and I expected the sheriff to call up Boss Hogg to say the gol'durn Duke Boys got away... again!

Anyhow, Adam Baldwin's agent rescued him from further torment. He disappears and I don't even remember how or why, and I watched the movie an hour ago. There's an old man that knew Cecil B. DeMille and he joins Army Dude and Morena, and they fight the evil undead Anubis, using a bunch of white phosphorous grenades and an outdated anti-tank rocket. It really does fall together like that. They blow up Anubis, who was the only really cool thing in the movie (I was rooting for him) but, alas, even undead Anubis had to cash in his chips and say "this sucks. I'm going back to my tomb. Later."

Then, the old man that knew Cecil B. DeMille says that he is a member of the Freemasons, the ancient order of guys that built the original tombs to house the restless spirits of the undead, and they will build a new tomb that will keep evil Anubis housed away safely forever.

Yay, good Freemasons! They get to be the good guys this time! Take that, Nicholas Cage!

Now we know why the Sci-Fi Channel decided to ditch the name, assume a new identity, and move to another realm of entertainment: after this movie, the network went into the Witness Protection Program. Now, the network can say, "Sci-Fi? Never heard of him. I'm Siffy. And you can tell Big Tony to go fuck himself."


This movie was worth: 1.5 tail wags out of 5.0 possible.

Alec Baldwin must've lost a bet; I think it was either this or wear a dress for a year. I'd've gone with the dress, myself. Nathan Fillion at least got to do "Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog"; Adam Tudyk got to be Alpha in Dollhouse. Morena Baccarin was probably blackmailed into this. Jewel Staite got to be Jewel Staite. The undead Anubis should have won.

The best thing about this movie is the presence of Morena Baccarin. Not only is she hot, but her presence in this movie should be a siren call to science fiction nerds everywhere. If she is desperate enough to make this movie, then any of us can legitimately believe that we still have a chance at her.

Until next time!