Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Kanastrous]

Long-distance call from Florida stage to Los Angeles Playback Graphics office: You know that banner animation with all the invisible spacer text you sent us? Well, we loaded it with a different color palette and the invisible text you wrote about the executive producer wasn't invisible any more. It was running up on the big front screens. While he was on set. Leading a tour.

[tim31]

!!! Do you still have a job??

[Kanastrous]

Aw, that was years ago. And yes, I kept my job. Being virtually irreplaceable grants one a certain degree of latitude...

[Logical Mike]

Management level-enterprise technology.

President: Mike, we're getting on a conference call with "company A" to discuss strategic planning for a Chinese rollout. Can you join in on this?

Me "Sure, what's the agenda?"

President: let me do the talking, they are going to need to contribute cash into this operation if they want out technical services like the internet"

Me *supressing giggle "Uh, yeah Mark the internet is serious business"

President "serious business you bet your ass, business"

Me "confirmed"

President "Can you get to the city this week? Let's get a business plan together and really push our technology, man am I fired up"

Me "high five?"

Click-

[LadyTevar]

I'd sent one of the funeral home directors a note that he'd not sent enough money for the copies he wanted (Price went up in January). Today I got a message back from him:

Hi! Sorry about the confusion, it's been a rough month and I can't get my head on straight.
But I'm sending you the money, just like I do for the rest of the women in my life

In other news, the State Registrar and the State Medical Examiner had a blowup over a death certificate.
The doctor (not ME) who was supposed to sign it had refused, and gotten in trouble over it, so he wrote under Cause of Death

Cause of Death Unknown. I'm signing this out of protest because this wasn't my patient and (ME employee) is forcing me too.

Yes. That is exactly what he wrote in the official "Cause of Death" field. In Pen. With underlines and arrows to his name. On a document that's going to be kept the next 1000 years or so.

[The Yosemite Bear]

comming back in to work.

me: sorry it took so long, the Rangers are hand directing traffic and it's backed up to curry.
Co-worker: you took a shower too? I thought you just went home to change uniform after the accident.
Me: yeah, but I had glass shards in my hair and body hair too.

later: trying to get the junior boss to let me go half an hour early, because I have been working half the day with glass cuts, on my hands.
Me: I've stopped bleeding, I've taken out all the garbage, the night crew's been here for half an hour and are cought up, and I can't do the kettles with gauze on my hands.
UB: well couldn't you just wear gloves?

[Venator]

My boss and coworker were up in a tree, I was rigging up the tools they needed on ropes:

Me: *Pulls rope*.
Boss: "Ouph!"
Me: "Sorry! Wrong end!" (I was pulling on the end attached to him.)
Boss: "I've heard that one before."
Me: "Not from me, I hope."
All: *Laughter*.
Boss: "I'd hope at least one of us would remember.

[Logical Mike]

Fucking asshole network techs.

Me "So, it appears we had 3 out of the 5 of you leave before 4 yesterday, why is that"

Network Tech #1 "But we're salary, and we had everything up and running"

Me "So that gives you the right to depart at whatever time you would like"

Network Tech #2 "Well yeah, right?"

Me "No, you work for me, you'll be here until 6 tonight"

Network Tech #4 "Man, that is harsh"

Me "So will you, I can't believe that you guys treat this job like it's your bitch, in this economy I could go find 5 guys to take your jobs for less money that would pull doubles if I asked them"

Network Tech #3 "Dude, did we have any issues?"

Me "Yes, you pissed me off, you're all here until 6, get to work"

[Aaron]

I'm retired but here's my favourite from when I wasn't.

I get a work order for a PC that hasn't been able to connect to the network for nine months. So I walk down the hall and check it out, the following conversation ensues.

Me: Private X, I'm here to check out your PC. You said it hasn't connected for nine months?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Why didn't you call it in earlier?

Her: I was on maternity leave.

Me: And no one else could have?

Someone in another cubicle: We had no one to replace her, so we didn't bother.

Me: Ok.... *crawl under desk, notice LAN cable is disconnected. Plug back in.* Try it now.

Her: It works, what'd you do?

Me: Plugged it in. *walk out*

Edit: And another I find amusing:

*Phone rings*

Me: 2 ASG IS Maint, Cpl Kendall speaking sir.

Him: This is Maj Butters (DCO 1 RCR), one of your troops was here this morning and reimaged my pc.

Me: Ok sir, what's the problem.

Him: I lost all my shortcuts!

Me: *explains that he just needs to go to his network drive and redo them*

Him: All that stuff was on my HDD

Me: Sir, I'm sorry but keeping material on your HDD is violating the Base Commanders and the CF's policy.

Him: Can't you recover it?

Me: We don't have the software for that sir

Him: Cpl, I require that info to do my job

Me: Well sir, your shit out of luck. Good day.

Later that day our Sgt went out and bought a data recovery program after receiving a nasty email from said Major. Only to discover the info was on his network drive after all.

[Themightytom]

Coworker and I climbing stairs.
Coworker: "So they turned down the changes the governor made, so he could now hypothetically veto the same sex marriage bill."
Me: "Awesome. So he got away with being spineless. You know I would ahve respected him more if he had come out against it even, because he just blatantly poloticked his way through this and demonstrated no leadership."
Coworker: "Well we're not put off, I mean theres residual inertia from republican control. This will come up again and even now other states are passing it. The more its passed the more people get used to the idea. The least emotional resistance there is to something that seems straightforward."
me: "Oh great you're putting your hopes in the YOUTH???"
Coworker, "Well your generation is more progressive than mine was, maybe the one following yours will ahve their ehads on straight."
The two of us enter third floor where group of teenage volunteers is sorting letters for us.
Teen Volunteer: "Dude I just wish to god some alien race would come down and attack. Then people would cut tthe shit, then they would work together man."
Volunteer 2 "Yeah man but did you hear they just cut NASA? Aliens won't find us now."
Me to Coworker: "Nope, social justice is fucked."

[Themightytom]

Clients outside
One: "Ice cream truck!"
Two: thats fucked up yo, they done aprked in front of tthe soup kittchen see? The SOUP KITCHEN! its a hundred degrees out there and they aint taken no food stamps!"
Ice cream guy: "Alrght everyone gets one! Happy memorial day weekend guys!"
Two "Always believe in people man thats what I say, you a saint man a saint!"
One "Hey can I get one for my girl back home?"
ice cream guy, "Ah no, I'm a saint, not a sucker."

[Ace Pace]

*snip*

Huh? maybe I'm missing something here but they claim they had done their job for the day, so why should they stay any longer?

[The Yosemite Bear]

*snip*

Huh? maybe I'm missing something here but they claim they had done their job for the day, so why should they stay any longer?

Logical Mike obviously doesn't work for HP, Best Buy, Good Guys, or a few other companys offering network support in California, the "If I get the work done, I can leave early" rule is pretty invasive in software/hardware support positions here in CA

[Logical Mike]

Our Datacenter is the backbone for the entire north american continent and DR for the world. We don't leave early and we don't "get the job done" as there is ALWAYS something to do when you're carrying over 60K people's bullshit, financials, other assorted programs, we're on call 24/7, and are N+4 redundant and most importantly maintain intrawebs for 15 different spokes in our company. Our guys are by far making well above market average, then need to act like it.

[tim31]

Not mine, but I listened in upon this conversation between my older sister, the principal of a fifty-student primary school in Very rural N.S.W, and my younger sister, who would be relieving her for maternity leave(lol nepotism)

SIOBHAN: These are all the workbooks for the first semester. They already have student names on them.(flicks through a few) Watch out for this one though, he plays up a lot. And you won't get any help from his father. He's done jail time.

PHILIPA: What for?

SIOBHAN: Oh, murder. Shot his girlfriend in the face.

Who says the city schools are the tougher ones?

[Themightytom]

Not mine, but I listened in upon this conversation between my older sister, the principal of a fifty-student primary school in Very rural N.S.W, and my younger sister, who would be relieving her for maternity leave(lol nepotism)

SIOBHAN: These are all the workbooks for the first semester. They already have student names on them.(flicks through a few) Watch out for this one though, he plays up a lot. And you won't get any help from his father. He's done jail time.

PHILIPA: What for?

SIOBHAN: Oh, murder. Shot his girlfriend in the face.

Who says the city schools are the tougher ones?

50 students???

[The Spartan]

Very rural N.S.W

50 students???

Emphasis added. I've known schools smaller than that. You get rural enough, the schools get that small.

[tim31]

And fifty students is an approximation!

[LadyTevar]

Our office handed out paperwork to give the Registrars all Notary status. Part of the paperwork is having 3 individuals recommend you for the job.

Me, walking into a co-worker's cube: Would you lie for me and say I'm a moral, upright person that can be trusted?

[Fleet Admiral JD]

Worked with an asshole recently--a self-styled electrician. I've been working in theaters for about 5 years now and trained by some of the best techies around, so I've got a pretty good handle on what I'm doing. Nevertheless, as a student employee and not a "professional," I still get stupid shit from assholes like this guy.

ME: (the lights that are being focused have all come up except for the one that I'm on) Hey, this light didn't come up. I'm plugged into [insert circuit number here.]

GUY: I turned that circuit on. You must not be plugged into the drop box.

ME: (having plugged the lights into the drop box myself, and the drop box into the circuit, but rechecking anyway) Yeah, I'm in. Box outlet two. . . [asks boss to check that the right cord from the box is plugged in.]

BOSS: Yeah, we're all set here.

GUY: Well it isn't my mistake. The design monitor shows that--

LIGHT DESIGNER: (Who has the design monitor) Actually, GUY, that channel isn't up.

GUY, sheepishly: Well. . . someone else must have patched it wrong!

He did the patching. Asshole.

[Themightytom]

Coworker: "They did it! The house signed the gay marriage bill, the governor will be signing it this afternoon!"
Me: "Thats awesome I'm really happy for you guys I know youw ere discouraged last week."
Coworker: "You should be happy for all of us Tom, yourself included!"
Me: "mildly dissatisfied is my default setting at work, for example, now that you have won on this issue, you can double your efforts on advocating for public housing."
Coworker: "Well its all connected. Whenever we win something like this it takes from you know..the people who don't like the homeless."
me: "Er... sure, there is a smoke filled room out there full of men plotting the downfall of humanity."
Coworker: "No no, its like pedals on a flower. One down, and on to the next."
me: "You are equating gay marriage to plucking pedals off a flower??"

She later revised her metaphor to planting and growing flowers in a garden instead.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Chef Beth: Colin-
Me: The dinner plates are already stacked into the warmer, the salad and the desert plates are in the thaw fridge.
Beth: what about the desert
me: got the martini glasses in the machine, from storage.

fun when my boss tells me everything I need to do on his days off.

[eyexist]

Me: See that hole in your wall? That's an entry point for mice.
Woman: What can we do about it?
Me: Well... I'll do what every man would do under the circumstances...
Me: *Whips out caulk gun* Put my caulk in it.
Woman: *Laughs out loud*
Me: Heh. Caulk.

Woman: What can you do about these weevils in my food?
Me: *Grabs a box of Crunch Berries and throws it in the trash*
Woman: Is there any other way to get rid of them?
Me: Well, I could spray insecticide in your food and cabinets, but then I'd go to jail :)

Woman on telephone: What can I do about these flies in my kitchen?
Me: Clean up the mess that they are swarming around, then open a window.
Woman: That's it?
Me: That's it.
Woman: What am I paying you for then?
Me: You aren't paying me anything at the moment, unless you would like me to come down there, clean up the mess, open the window and charge you for it.
Woman:Oh...? Oh! Thanks!

[Themightytom]

Client 1: So dude, they cut off my disability because I got bumped down to low utilizer
Client 2: You got the sane stamp??
Client 1: Yeah but two years from now I won't have insurance anymore.looks like you can't cash a sanity check.
Client 2: hah! You should jsut pretend to be crazy so you can keep living on benefits.
Client 1: Pretend to be crazy so that i can keep living in a shelter on disability thats...
Client 2: Crazy!
Client 1: I like it
Me from office: I don't, its called fraud.

[The_Saint]

Not so much the conversation but an oddity (at my postman job)

me: hmmm that's an odd miss-sort
co-worker: what is?
me: *passes over a letter that's addressed to Washington state, USA but post marked Adelaide Australia*
co-worker: give it a passport stamp* and I'll send it back up the line.

I proceed to stamp it indicating that whoever next sorts it should try not sending it on a 1000km dead end detour.

*(vague euphemism for an unnecessary mail centre stamp that's stamped because it might be seen by a postal worker somewhere, who might see that the letter has travelled somewhere it shouldn't have)