Kuja Reviews Bad Fantasy: Dragon Wars

[Kuja]

Tagline: Our World is Their Battleground

Running time: 1h47min

Main Characters: Ethan, male lead, Sarah, female lead, Jack, old mentor, Baraki, evil menace, and Evil General, sidekick evil menace

Plot: The movie opens with a short narrative over some Korean-style character. Apparently, every 500 years, a googoo (actually it's a gooji, or jooji, or something like that) comes to Earth to find a girl who holds the Yu-Gi-Oh (or Ya Yi Goo, or Yajooyi, or some other damn Asian-sound) wich the googoo can use to become a full-fledged dragon and ascent to heaven. Most googoos are nice, but as usual, there's one bad apple in the bunch, a googoo named Baraki who commands an army and wants to use the Yu-Gi-Oh to rule the world. Or galaxy. Or universe. Something along those lines.

Fast-foward to 2007. An explosion in Los Angeles leaves behind a weirdo scale-looking thing that triggers memories in the mind of Ethan, a TV reporter. When he was a kid, he accompanied his dad into an old pawnshop while the guy tried to sell off an old family dagger. While wandering around, Ethan found a box that broke its own lock and self-opened to show some kind of light and a weirdo scale identiacl to the one at the explosion.

Using the Force, the owner of the pawnshop, Jack, senses what's happening and sends Ethan's father out by faking a heart attack. He then tells Ethan the story of the googoos and the Yu-Gi-Oh, at which point the movie flashbacks to a town in Korea, 1507. Here, a pair of buttkicking martial artists consisting of Pai Mei from Kill Bill and Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat protect the young woman holding the Yu-Gi-Oh so that on her twentieth birthday, she can give it to the good googoo. Liu Kang falls in love with the young woman over time.

The leads up to one of the best sequences in the film. A massive army of guys in plate armor, raptor cavalry, fireball-spweing pterodactyl air support, and those big gungan creatures from Episode 1 carrying huge rocket launchers on their backs attacks the town, slaughtering the populace wholesale. Amist the turmoil, the Evil General captures the young woman, only to have a fireball-chucking Pai Mei rescue her from his clutches, taking an army injury in the process, and hand her off to Liu Kang. Liu and the girl are chased by Baraki, a GIANT FUCKING COBRA who come screeching after them and forcing Liu to dive into the sea, ending both their lives rather than let Baraki get the Yu-Gi-Oh.

Back to 2007. Jack shows young Ethan the scar on his arm to prove that he's really Pai Mei and then gives the young made a pendant made in Heaven to protect him as he searches for the new Yu-Gi-Oh.

Moving along now because damn, that took awhile to explain, a girl named Sarah turns out to be the new Yu-Gi-Oh and has the dragon tattoo on her shoulder to prove it. Baraki and his right-hand man, the Evil General, begin searching LA for her, showing up in her and Ethan's dreams for a couple of pretty damn scary movie sequences. Naturally, Ethan finds Sarah in the Nick of Time (TM) and with Samurai Jack's help they flee just ahead of the furious Baraki. Evil General, meanwhile, begins the process of resurrecting Baraki's army from a bunch of scrolls and statues Jack left unattended in his store. Fuck, knew I should have opted for that Evil Shield! At the same time, the FBI begins hunting for whoever's causing the chaos in downtown LA.

A bunch of chase scenes follow with some impressive visual displays like Baraki chucking a car at Ethan and the National Guard trying to raid Baraki's hidout only to get their teeth kicked in by a flamethrowing Evil General and the rest of the evil googoo's army.

As things reach their peak, the army moves in to defend LA as Baraki's draconic forces come to assault the city and take Sarah. Baraki himself continues to throw his considerable weight around, constantly one step behind Ethan as the young man tries to keep her safe. This leads into the second awesome sequence of the film: an all-out brawl between tanks, heli-gunships, and some heavy-calibure guns against the might of Baraki's dragon force. In the end though, we don't get to see the conclusion of the battle as Ethan and Sarah escape the city only to be attacked and knocked unconsious by the Ptero-air force.

Now here's where things take the weirdest left turn yet.

They wake up in Mordor. No, I'm not exaggerating. Ethan's tied to a pole and Evil General has Sarah tied to a scrificial altar. The army begins to chant Baraki's name and the Big Snake himself emerges from a giant baroque temple, strutting his stuff and preparing to devour our young ingenue. Horrors! Ethan despairs and all of a sudden, the Heaven Pendant erupts in blue flame, slamming Baraki and Evil General to the ground and wiping out the entire gathered army in an impressive display of power (Deus Ex Machina #1).

As Evil General gets to his feet, Ethan fress himself and takes up one of the fallen soldiers' swords to hack at him. Evil General, being a far better swordsman than a news reporter-turned Liu Kang, bests him with ease and delives the killing blow, only to have his sword strike the Heaven Pendant by complete coincidence, disintigrating himself (DeM#2).

Baraki, reeling like a punch-drunk cobra who's had one too many tequilas on Frat Rush night, recovers and spends a minute menacing Sarah and Eathan before breaking out the Big Roar and descending on them for a well-earned snack. As he does so, however, the good googoo (where the fuck have YOU been, pal?) erupts from the ground and seizes Baraki in a death grip (DeM#3). They wrestle and Baraki easily bests the goody n-shoes. The dragon tattoo on Sarah's shoulder alights and energy pours out of her as the Yu-Gi-Oh manifests itself in a glowing, ready-to-swallow energy tablet. However, inthe movies most hilarious fakeout, Sarah suddenly directs the Yu-Gi-Oh away from Baraki's jaws and sends it flying towards the good googoo, who promptly swallows it.

Understandably upset by this turn of events, Baraki attacks the good googoo as Sarah falls to the ground. The two giant snakes wrestle for a moment as the good googoo suddenly transforms into Shenlong, the dragon from Dragonball Z. Nice to see him finding some new work. Naturally, Shenlong proceeds to own Baraki in the face, torching him to a crisp after a few minutes of more snake-wrestling.

Sarah, meanwhile, dies and becomes One with the Force, transforming into a Kenobi-like blue energy version of herself, saying goodbye (for now) to Ethan. Shenlong takes the Yu-Gi-Oh and sheds a tear at the sad scene, but doesn't offer to give Sarah back (to be perfectly frank, if I had to wait 500 years to get my gift from heaven, I'd be a little annoyed myself). He then flies off into the clouds. Samurai Jack says job well done and vanishes in the dust. Ethan begins the long walk back towards Gondor-er...LA. Roll credits.

-----------------

Rating: 4.5/10

Good points: Impressive visual feast. Baraki himself, his armies, and his foe are magnificently animated and theres few punches pulled. Explosions abound, shit gets wrecked, and buildings crumple. The auditory effects can be a little overwhelming in the theater, since Baraki himself is a loudmouth and his antics are anything but subtle. Ultimately though, the sound work is pretty damn good. There's a few humorous points, like where Evil General translates through a wall and an old lady tries to do the same, with predictable results.

Bad points: The nicest thing I can say for the plot is that it isn't Reign of Fire. Okay, maybe that's stretching things a little. The plot is, ultimately, needlessly convoluted and the thread of things gets a little strained during the long flashback sequence and the babble about the cycle of reincarnation. The Evil General is an impressive villain, but Baraki himself doesn't come across as much more than an Anaconda on some really good roids. He has no dialogue and shows little more than a hunter's finely tuned instinct to find his prey. There's not really much to suggest a higher intelligence at work. How the fuck this crazy snake gathered such an impressive army is beyond me. If the plot had been changed to imply the army were gathered at the behest of Evil General to venerate Baraki as a god of some kind, it might have made a bit more sense, but time and again we're reminded that Baraki himself is running the show. How? Maybe he's psychic or something. Didn't help him when the good googoo showed up though. Baraki also has the traditional villains' bad habit of "I'm AWESOME" hissing and being a general menace instead of going for the throat at seveal moments where he could have ended things prematurely.

Ethan, Sarah, and pretty much all the characters in the film are mostly placeholders. Anyone could play the role, there's nthing too deep about the characters. They're predictable and, largely, boring and stereotypical. Stardust did the whole "love grows under circumstance" plot a hundred times better. And that movie had Robert DeNiro. Damn that guy can act.

In the end, Baraki is a jerk, the good googoo needs a new watch, and shit gets blown up. Dragon Wars is a turn-off-the-brain visual spectacular that, sadly, could have been more. Watching the draconic artillery at work is pretty fun and that, I have to say, is what makes the movie. Not nearly worth 6 bucks to see. I'd wait until it gets to the $2 shows before you head out to see this one, though I imagine once it gets to video, the eye and ear candy will seem much less impressive.

[Sidewinder]

Not nearly worth 6 bucks to see. I'd wait until it gets to the $2 shows before you head out to see this one, though I imagine once it gets to video, the eye and ear candy will seem much less impressive.

Thank you for saving me six dollars. (I wish I had such help before I saw 'Reign of Fire'.)

[Shroom Man 777]

What the fuck is wrong with you blokes? Reign of Fire was great!

[Erik von Nein]

Oh, gods. It's even more stupid than it looked. Is it so much to ask for something not completely brain-damaged that's still cheesy and involves dragons (not freakin' cobras)?

[Sidewinder]

Oh, gods. It's even more stupid than it looked. Is it so much to ask for something not completely brain-damaged that's still cheesy and involves dragons (not freakin' cobras)?

The Vision of Escaflowne, maybe? It has dragons, giant robots that transform into dragons, and love triangles involving a girl and two giant robot pilots.

[Typhonis 1]

Here I was thionking you had two armies of dragons, magically sealed, and that they were accidentally unleashed in the modern era. Thats what it seemed like from the previews.

[DPDarkPrimus]

What is with the inability of anyone to make a decent live-action movie with dragons?

[Spanky The Dolphin]

Dragonheart was very good for a genre .

But yeah, beyond that, there's precious little else.

[Spanky The Dolphin]

God damn Ghetto Edit: "Dragonheart was very good for a genre film."

[Covenant]

You'd think it would be easy to write a plot that served to give us a nice taste of Dragon Combat without all the unneccessary crud in the way. It's the Blockbuster Movie Problem, it seems. You want to have something for everyone to get them to want to watch this, but I have no idea why. I'm sure some Hollywood thinktank believes that adding a lovestory and humans to the mix really makes the thing jive, but I just have to say they're wrong.

How many times are we going to have to scream about this before someone decides they want to take our money? TAKE MY MONEY! All I ask is that the robots, or dragons, or giant apes, or whatever not be pushed off-camera by the needs of some 20something to romance another 20something or to discover the true meaning of friendship.

Plots, and backstories, and such? Who gives a rat's ass. Put it in the far past, the far future, whatever. Don't bother explaining it. Hire that guy from Conan to give the introduction, or Ron Pearlman, and then get the dragons and robots fighting. The only humans I want to see should be a) screaming b) extras and c) tiny compared to the action.

[Sidewinder]

How many times are we going to have to scream about this before someone decides they want to take our money? TAKE MY MONEY! All I ask is that the robots, or dragons, or giant apes, or whatever not be pushed off-camera by the needs of some 20something to romance another 20something or to discover the true meaning of friendship.

I wish the writers of 'Transformers' had listened to you.

Plots, and backstories, and such? Who gives a rat's ass. Put it in the far past, the far future, whatever. Don't bother explaining it. Hire that guy from Conan to give the introduction, or Ron Pearlman, and then get the dragons and robots fighting.

Mako, the guy from 'Conan the Barbarian', is dead. Ron Pearlman is acceptable as a narrator, however.

The only humans I want to see should be a) screaming b) extras and c) tiny compared to the action.

I prefer to see humans kicking ass. Give the hero a sword as long as he is tall, and have him use it to carve up dragons like oversized turkeys.

[Pick]

No, I have to agree with Covenant. I'm extremely tired of human-wank.

[Covenant]

My response in regards to humanwank is mostly concerning pieces that use the Big Scary Thing as it's selling point. If I order a cheeseburger, I want a cheeseburger afterall, not like five tons of lettuce with a little burger in there somewhere. When I see Transformers, for example, I want to see what it says on the box--that's how I decide if or if not I want to spend money on something. So if people are ultra-excited about this Transformers movie, I think they can bet that it's because I like what I hear.

And what I hear is Transformers.

So when I hear Dragon Wars, that's what I want to buy. So if we want Humanwank, that's totally cool, if the movie is called like "Dragonslayer" or "Saint George and the Dragon" or "Wyrmbane" or something. I may not want to see people being dorks and stabbing shit, but at least you can say "Wow, that was epic" when Phinneas Wyrmbane or whoever chops up a bunch of dragons in a big falling-through-the-clouds battle or whatever.

Just that I want movie-makers to realize that we stupid, but we're not dumb. We're quite happy to fork over cash on movies, games, comics, whatever so long as it includes a lot of crazy shit involving destruction and giant things. You could call the movie "FUCK YEAH DRAGONS" and have nothing but dragons fighting chtuhlhu and space aliens and zombies and unicorns all while electric guitars and hollywood orchestrated string sections wail in the background and we'd love it. We don't give a rat's ass about a plot in a movie called "FUCK YEAH DRAGONS." This is an example of someone working too hard, and messing it up. It's like someone who put a mango chutney or chilled plumb and cilantro salsa over a steak. Don't you dare. Just give me the meat, and cut out the fluff.

[SylasGaunt]

Wow Covvie the people who made 'Shoot 'Em Up' have been rooting around in your brain.


So I take it I shouldn't waste my cash on this? I was considering it because I'm a sucker for Dragons but ended up deciding not to after seeing one too many 'worst movie ever' reviews.

[Covenant]

Wow Covvie the people who made 'Shoot 'Em Up' have been rooting around in your brain.


So I take it I shouldn't waste my cash on this? I was considering it because I'm a sucker for Dragons but ended up deciding not to after seeing one too many 'worst movie ever' reviews.

I'd love if someone made a movie like my brain says they should--I think it'd do commercially well. I'm all for deep, rousing plotlines and such, but honestly, those are hard. And bad attempts at depth are just grating, whereas I'm nearly always entertained by seeing something large blast up a city. I'll never understand why people put in all the extra effort of doing the hard parts when all a big studio cares about is money, and all we care about are good sequences that make you feel all kickass when you watch them. 300 was a good example. Even though some people just didn't get what they were looking for, a lot of people did, and I can't imagine that movie exactly stressed the screenwriters. I bet it was also relatively cheap to make. Sounds like a winner to me.

[Molyneux]

If a movie's titled "Godzilla vs. King Kong", I want to see a lizard fighting a giant gorilla. If a movie's titled "Star Wars", I want to see some big damn battles. Preferably involving stars, but just space is fine if they're on a low budget.

Personally, I'm about ready for the "perfect" action movie.

[KlavoHunter]

Most horrific is the fact that, for a movie I spent $8.50 for, we didn't even get to see a single bona-fide dragon until the very end of the movie. Before then, our antagonist, the only critter we saw, was just a big snake.

[Molyneux]

Most horrific is the fact that, for a movie I spent $8.50 for, we didn't even get to see a single bona-fide dragon until the very end of the movie. Before then, our antagonist, the only critter we saw, was just a big snake.

Why didn't you ask for your money back, then?

[Covenant]

Most horrific is the fact that, for a movie I spent $8.50 for, we didn't even get to see a single bona-fide dragon until the very end of the movie. Before then, our antagonist, the only critter we saw, was just a big snake.

Why didn't you ask for your money back, then?

For false advertising?

"You assholes, I didn't pay for Snakes on a Building, I asked for a ticket to Dragon Wars. Where are the Dragons? You show me. And the hell is this? This isn't popcorn. These are packing peanuts with butter topping--what kind of a shitty establishment are you running down here?"

Sadly, I doubt you'd get away with it, which is why I think movies that dispense with things they don't care about end up being better. Like movies with senseless plot elements, like the most recent die-hard, or Transformers, or so on, there's no point. And some movies could easily ditch the action segments and just focus on making it a drama, and sometimes that would work better. Like I, Robot, which didn't really need any of the action, they could have just left it as a mystery/thriller movie and it woulda' been fine and a lot closer to the subject material.

By and large though, action sequences are nearly always fun. There are few 'really bad' action sequences. Love stories, scientific backstory, etc, those are always the part that nobody wants to hear about, because they're so tiresomely done. It's obvious, most of the time, that these are done for the sake of artistic integrity or as a plot vehicle. But if you're making a movie about dragons or giant apes, you're already two feet into the surreal, so just go for it. Do what Ghostbusters did and just invent a cult. Bam! Done. On with the movie!

[Molyneux]

Most horrific is the fact that, for a movie I spent $8.50 for, we didn't even get to see a single bona-fide dragon until the very end of the movie. Before then, our antagonist, the only critter we saw, was just a big snake.

Why didn't you ask for your money back, then?

For false advertising?

"You assholes, I didn't pay for Snakes on a Building, I asked for a ticket to Dragon Wars. Where are the Dragons? You show me. And the hell is this? This isn't popcorn. These are packing peanuts with butter topping--what kind of a shitty establishment are you running down here?"

Sadly, I doubt you'd get away with it, which is why I think movies that dispense with things they don't care about end up being better. Like movies with senseless plot elements, like the most recent die-hard, or Transformers, or so on, there's no point. And some movies could easily ditch the action segments and just focus on making it a drama, and sometimes that would work better. Like I, Robot, which didn't really need any of the action, they could have just left it as a mystery/thriller movie and it woulda' been fine and a lot closer to the subject material.

By and large though, action sequences are nearly always fun. There are few 'really bad' action sequences. Love stories, scientific backstory, etc, those are always the part that nobody wants to hear about, because they're so tiresomely done. It's obvious, most of the time, that these are done for the sake of artistic integrity or as a plot vehicle. But if you're making a movie about dragons or giant apes, you're already two feet into the surreal, so just go for it. Do what Ghostbusters did and just invent a cult. Bam! Done. On with the movie!

Eh, I walked out of "House of the Dead" twenty minutes in and succeeded in arguing the manager into giving me a refund. My argument was along the lines of "It's a REALLY shitty movie. I mean NASTY bad. Either give me my money back, or go see if YOU can sit through it."

[Ryushikaze]

Why didn't you ask for your money back, then?

For false advertising?

"You assholes, I didn't pay for Snakes on a Building, I asked for a ticket to Dragon Wars. Where are the Dragons? You show me. And the hell is this? This isn't popcorn. These are packing peanuts with butter topping--what kind of a shitty establishment are you running down here?"

Sadly, I doubt you'd get away with it, which is why I think movies that dispense with things they don't care about end up being better. Like movies with senseless plot elements, like the most recent die-hard, or Transformers, or so on, there's no point. And some movies could easily ditch the action segments and just focus on making it a drama, and sometimes that would work better. Like I, Robot, which didn't really need any of the action, they could have just left it as a mystery/thriller movie and it woulda' been fine and a lot closer to the subject material.

By and large though, action sequences are nearly always fun. There are few 'really bad' action sequences. Love stories, scientific backstory, etc, those are always the part that nobody wants to hear about, because they're so tiresomely done. It's obvious, most of the time, that these are done for the sake of artistic integrity or as a plot vehicle. But if you're making a movie about dragons or giant apes, you're already two feet into the surreal, so just go for it. Do what Ghostbusters did and just invent a cult. Bam! Done. On with the movie!

Eh, I walked out of "House of the Dead" twenty minutes in and succeeded in arguing the manager into giving me a refund. My argument was along the lines of "It's a REALLY shitty movie. I mean NASTY bad. Either give me my money back, or go see if YOU can sit through it."

I agree with this sentiment. I didn't pay to see that movie and I still want my 8 dollars back. And I generally like watching grade C shclock.

[Darth Raptor]

I can tell you what I WOULD like to see: FUCK YEAH DRAGONS. Produced and directed by Covenant.

[Sidewinder]

My response in regards to humanwank is mostly concerning pieces that use the Big Scary Thing as it's selling point. If I order a cheeseburger, I want a cheeseburger afterall, not like five tons of lettuce with a little burger in there somewhere.

<snip>

So when I hear Dragon Wars, that's what I want to buy. So if we want Humanwank, that's totally cool, if the movie is called like "Dragonslayer" or "Saint George and the Dragon" or "Wyrmbane" or something. I may not want to see people being dorks and stabbing shit, but at least you can say "Wow, that was epic" when Phinneas Wyrmbane or whoever chops up a bunch of dragons in a big falling-through-the-clouds battle or whatever.

This was what I had in mind when I wanked a human to the point where he or she could fight a dragon. It's also what I'd like to see in a movie with dragons.

[Plekhanov]

What is with the inability of anyone to make a decent live-action movie with dragons?

Dragonslayer is a fine film (82% on rotten tomatoes which is pretty damn good for a fantasy film) though for some reason not very well known, it was made in the early 80s but the dragon is still very well done.

[Patrick Degan]

Sad to hear Mako died.