A quandary

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2004-01-25 02:08pm

I have a sticky situation, for which, I require assistance.

I have a friend online who turned sixteen today. She and I met a year and nine months ago and became really close friends. Now, in the last month, she became cold and distant. After much agonizing and trying to get her to open up, she finally told me what was going on about two days ago:

It seems, that six months ago, she met a man online. The problem is, he's forty-six, married, and has one eleven year old daughter. I also learned that she and him actually met in December, at which point, they had sex. Now, she says she likes him a lot and claims he loves her. She tells me that he'll be moving from where he is in LA up to the bay area to be closer to her at summer's end. She also claims that his marriage is in the process of falling apart.

That isn't all of it. He set up a mailbox for her, so he could send her stuff without her mom knowing about it. And he sent her materials on BDSM, and now she says she would like to become his submissive.

Now I think I'm in completely over my head. What do you folks think is happening here? What should I do about this situation?

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2004-01-25 02:40pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:I have a sticky situation, for which, I require assistance.

I have a friend online who turned sixteen today. She and I met a year and nine months ago and became really close friends. Now, in the last month, she became cold and distant. After much agonizing and trying to get her to open up, she finally told me what was going on about two days ago:

It seems, that six months ago, she met a man online. The problem is, he's forty-six, married, and has one eleven year old daughter. I also learned that she and him actually met in December, at which point, they had sex. Now, she says she likes him a lot and claims he loves her. She tells me that he'll be moving from where he is in LA up to the bay area to be closer to her at summer's end. She also claims that his marriage is in the process of falling apart.

That isn't all of it. He set up a mailbox for her, so he could send her stuff without her mom knowing about it. And he sent her materials on BDSM, and now she says she would like to become his submissive.

Now I think I'm in completely over my head. What do you folks think is happening here? What should I do about this situation?

Assuming that everything your friend has told you is true she is already involved in something very bad and there are many ways in which it could go much worse.

Whether the guy is telling her the truth or not he's still cheating on his wife (assuming he's really married), has comitted statutory rape, and has this mailbox set up to help this girl lie and decieve her parents. I don't see any reason to be trusting this guy at what he says. He's a 46 year old pervert who's messing around with an under aged girl young enough to be his daughter.

If you feel that what your friend has been telling you about this guy is true then it's best that you tell someone, like her parents or the police. It sucks ass to be the one who has to do it but it'd be better to possibly lose a friend because she's angry with you than it would be for her to run off with or be snatched by a sicko she met on the internet.

You might want to consider going to your parents first. I don't know what kind of realtionship you have with them but they might be able to help you deal with this problem Also counsellors at school might be able to help.

Gunshy · Post by **Gunshy** » 2004-01-25 02:41pm

Christ dude, I think you should tell her parents. I mean, my sister's 16, and if one of her friends knew she was involved in something like that, and didn't tell me, or my parents...Let's just say I'd be a tad upset.

Even if it destroys your friendship, you have to tell her parents. She's involved with a criminal, and what if she got hurt phyisically? Could you live with yourself, knowing you could have prevented it? I hope this situation works out for the both of you. Good luck.

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2004-01-25 02:49pm

Gunshy wrote:Christ dude, I think you should tell her parents. I mean, my sister's 16, and if one of her friends knew she was involved in something like that, and didn't tell me, or my parents...Let's just say I'd be a tad upset.

Even if it destroys your friendship, you have to tell her parents. She's involved with a criminal, and what if she got hurt phyisically? Could you live with yourself, knowing you could have prevented it? I hope this situation works out for the both of you. Good luck.

Yes, I've found myself very upset about this. I'm about eight years older than her, so I see her as something akin to the sister I never had. I'm not quite sure how to tell her mom, I don't know how much she knows about me, and I don't live in California. But, her mom knows something about the man, but only his first name, that he lives somewhere nearby and that my friend met him in a chatroom.

I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to try to get more information out of my friend first, before going to her mom.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2004-01-25 03:05pm

Tell her parents NOW for her own safety. It might hurt your friendship right now, but once she get's older, she'll realize that she would be getting herself in some deep crap if she continued this. Someone who is 46 that wants a 16 year old is screwed up in the head MAJORLY.

Seriously, tell her parents and the proper authorities IMMEDIATELY.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2004-01-25 06:36pm

Get LadyTevar to tell her what happens when naive youn girls get involved with men into serious BDSM.

Seriously, talk to her first, then tell her parents.

jegs2 · Post by **jegs2** » 2004-01-25 06:44pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:Now I think I'm in completely over my head. What do you folks think is happening here? What should I do about this situation?

Sounds to me like the guys a "midlife crisis" dirtbag who needs to be charged with statutory rape. Don't think it would do any good, but I'd recommend to your friend to steer away from that fink at the earliest convenience, cutting off all communications with him...

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2004-01-26 12:26pm

jegs2 wrote:
GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:Now I think I'm in completely over my head. What do you folks think is happening here? What should I do about this situation?
Sounds to me like the guys a "midlife crisis" dirtbag who needs to be charged with statutory rape. Don't think it would do any good, but I'd recommend to your friend to steer away from that fink at the earliest convenience, cutting off all communications with him...

That is why I'm so worried. And she's managed to keep this covered up for over six months now, so I'm sure she's not going to listen well to that advice. I think I'll talk to her a bit more first, record everything that I find out, and do some investigative work of my own first. I want there to be as little doubt as possible of how much danger my friend is in when I tell her mom, so I'm going to make my case as airtight as possible.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-01-26 12:49pm

BAD. BADBADBADBAD! You have to do something about this....it is a felony. Odds are this old married guy is looking for a young piece of ass and nothing more. Those situations end very badly when the young girl wants to break it off. If you value her safety you must do something.

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2004-01-26 12:51pm

Tell the police right the fuck now.

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2004-01-26 02:10pm

Let's count the charges that could be brought to this guy:

1) Statutory rape - Felony
2) If BDSM was performed, sexual assault on a minor - Felony
3) If BDSM was performed with paraphernalia, assault
4) Depending on the paraphernalia, assault with deadly weapon
5) Providing minor with sexually explicit materials

To clarify on the BDSM thing: BDSM is perfectly legal between two consenting adults. However, a 16-year old can't legally give consent. What we have in that case is rape and, essentially, torture. So whipping, paddling, etc. are all assault with deadly weapons. Erotic asphyxiation may fall in this category, too. Bondage, piercing, and clamping are all assault (or assault with intent to harm, if the state so specifies).

Any others that I'm forgetting?

Advice: Call the cops. Right now.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2004-01-26 02:24pm

WTF is it with people on this board getting involved in legal/moral conflicts where minors and BDSM are involved.
Start notifying people GMT.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-01-26 03:04pm

did you know that a 13 year old girl involved in a sexual/BDSM relationship with a 35 year old man was killed last year in New Caanan CT?
Yeah, he choked her too hard while he was having sex with her. SHE IS DEAD. Which is what your friend may be if this continues.

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2004-01-26 04:30pm

Col. Crackpot wrote:did you know that a 13 year old girl involved in a sexual/BDSM relationship with a 35 year old man was killed last year in New Caanan CT?
Yeah, he choked her too hard while he was having sex with her. SHE IS DEAD. Which is what your friend may be if this continues.

Wow.

I'd like to see the article on this, but my googling skills are a little rusty at the moment.

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2004-01-27 12:31pm

Update:

My friend's mom found the BDSM information that the older man had sent her. My friend told her that "he left it for her at the library" and now her mom now thinks that "he knows where she lives and exactly what she looks like." My friend told me she was in "deep shit." This happened Friday night and I haven't seen her online since.

I think I am still going to call though.

Shaidar Haran · Post by **Shaidar Haran** » 2004-01-27 12:37pm

You really ought to tell your friend's parents the whole deal. As other have said, no good can come of this but a lot of harm certainly could.

Needless to say, to every thing you can to get her out of that situation.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2004-01-27 12:46pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:Update:

My friend's mom found the BDSM information that the older man had sent her. My friend told her that "he left it for her at the library" and now her mom now thinks that "he knows where she lives and exactly what she looks like." My friend told me she was in "deep shit." This happened Friday night and I haven't seen her online since.

I think I am still going to call though.

You should. If not from a moral standpoint, at least from a legal one. You know of illegal activity that's taken place and has the serious potential to happen again, namely statutory rape. If he wants to BSDM her, it can be considered assault. You have a legal obligation to inform the appropriate parties.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2004-01-27 12:53pm

It is always up to individuals to ensure that the laws are upheld. You can't wait for the police to figure it out or even for victims to get their heads on straight.

Reporting this kind of thing to the police is like voting: You just fucking DO it.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-01-27 12:59pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:
Col. Crackpot wrote:did you know that a 13 year old girl involved in a sexual/BDSM relationship with a 35 year old man was killed last year in New Caanan CT?
Yeah, he choked her too hard while he was having sex with her. SHE IS DEAD. Which is what your friend may be if this continues.
Wow.

I'd like to see the article on this, but my googling skills are a little rusty at the moment.

http://headlines.agapepress.org/archive/5/222002d.asp

Comosicus · Post by **Comosicus** » 2004-01-27 01:07pm

Talk to her parents and the authorities! She could end up being hurt or worse ... that guy could also be the owner of an adult site ... I don't think she would like to see photos of her on such sites. That's one thing that you could tell her.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2004-01-27 05:19pm

InnerBrat wrote:Get LadyTevar to tell her what happens when naive youn girls get involved with men into serious BDSM.

Seriously, talk to her first, then tell her parents.

Naive young girls wind up in serious fuckin' trouble, that's what.

Right now, your little friend is thinking with her hormones, in love with the idea of a 'grown man' wanting to leave his wife for her. Your friend's wearing rose-colored glasses, seeing the romantic, happily-ever-after BullShit every teenaged girl believes is her destiny in life and love.

Wake her up, break the glasses, and TELL HER PARENTS NOW. Tell the police while you're at it, since this guy's already committed stautory rape.

Otherwise, this girl's toast.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2004-01-27 05:30pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:Update:

My friend's mom found the BDSM information that the older man had sent her. My friend told her that "he left it for her at the library" and now her mom now thinks that "he knows where she lives and exactly what she looks like." My friend told me she was in "deep shit." This happened Friday night and I haven't seen her online since.

I think I am still going to call though.

Go Mom!

Post by **Gandalf** » 2004-01-27 09:39pm

I too would like to add that you should go to her mum about this. Give her the whole story that you know. It may hurt or even destroy the friendship, but in the long run you will have done the right thing.

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2004-01-30 06:50pm

Update:

It's done, I called her mom today. I told her everything I knew, which turned out to be a lot more than she's been able to extract from my friend. I have also turned over the relevant chat logs. Her mom has already been talking to the police and my friend's school. I uncovered a route of communication that my friend tried to use to get in touch with the dirtbag (checking her e-mail at school,) which will now be shut down. Her mom also knows who I am and how to get in touch with me. More on this as the situation develops.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2004-01-30 07:07pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:Update:

It's done, I called her mom today. I told her everything I knew, which turned out to be a lot more than she's been able to extract from my friend. I have also turned over the relevant chat logs. Her mom has already been talking to the police and my friend's school. I uncovered a route of communication that my friend tried to use to get in touch with the dirtbag (checking her e-mail at school,) which will now be shut down. Her mom also knows who I am and how to get in touch with me. More on this as the situation develops.

Bravo! Good work man. I'm glad you're doing the right thing here.

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