Aging relatives & emotional coping strategies

[Murazor]

As it happens, my three still living grandparents are all over eighty and don't have the best of health. Since I love them dearly, the couple of years since the death of my paternal grandfather has been distressing, with a lurking fear of the next phone call I get being the news of their passing.

Though I understand the topic is rather personal, I'd like to hear what others have to say about the twilight days of their loved ones and any advice people care to dispense about the best ways of handling this kind of thing.

[Borgholio]

There is no best way to handle it. Just spend time with them, have good times with them while you still can. When they pass, remember the good times and speak of them with your surviving family.

[Eternal_Freedom]

I would say the best way to cope is to remember the good times, even years after they pass. As for while they are still here, the best way I found was to change my expectations of spending time with them. When I was small we would play together, once I and my grandparents aged it was enough simply to talk with them.

[madd0ct0r]

talk to them. write their stories down.

[Napoleon the Clown]

Visit them often, talk often, let them know you care.

[Ahriman238]

As others have said, spend more time with them, speak to them more, even if just over the phone. Make sure nothing important is unsaid for when the time comes.

And if, as with my grandmother, one or more of your grandparents spends their final days in some kind of senile dementia and cursing your name, don't take it personally. It will hurt the first time, nothing can stop that, but take a deep breath and forgive instead of responding in kind.

[Korvan]

When my grandfather got into his eighties, I thought that since he likely doesn't have too much time left, I should spend more time with him and listen to all his stories. Turns out he made it to 99 and I heard all the stories many, many times over. Totally worth it though. Other than the initial grief, his passing didn't affect me that much as it really was his time to go. His funeral was well attended, but other than family, it was the children of people he knew. He almost literally was the last of his generation.

I now have no grandparents left, three of the four lived extra long lives (87,97,99) and avoided mental deterioration. The forth died at 81 while suffering from dementia. In life he was a first-class abusive asshole.

As others have said, make the most of the time you do have left. In this life, everything and everyone will be taken from you, sometimes all at once, usually a little bit at a time.

[JME2]

I also second the spending time with them.

When my paternal grandmother died in 2008, my grandfather became my sole surviving grandparent and I made it a point of getting to know him better. We took road trips together and I tried to speak with him over the phone at least once a week.

I'm glad I did because he was diagnosed with dementia 10 months ago and while I've seen him twice, he didn't recognize me half of the time.

[Eternal_Freedom]

In addition to what has been said, I saw and foudn that simply reminding them they are cared for and loved and not forgotten is very important. My grandfather lived on his own for 13 years after my grandmother died. But we went down to see him regularly, we played games and went for walks on the beach and I am very glad for that.

Ultimately though, I have found the best coping strategy (after they pass anyway) is to make sure they are remembered as real people and not just pictures on a shelf.

[Borgholio]

This may sound a bit over-dramatic, but sometimes I pretend they're still with me. The house I live in has been passed down from my great-grandfather, and I learned a great deal from him when I was a child (yes, I knew my great-grandparents for a good 10 years...I was lucky). Since this is my house now, I try to keep it maintained and such. I'm finding things that he did back in the 50's that'd be considered a fire hazard today, and I laugh at him...but I also find good things that he did and thank him for it. When I make a big improvement that I know he'd appreciate like taking off the evil aluminum siding or building my koi pond, I'd find myself asking his approval. I just try not to forget him, and he never really feels totally dead to me.

[Spoonist]

Take the time to document parts of their lives. It gives good closure for both you and them.
Like writing down who is who in their photoalbums and record them telling their favorite stories.

[darth_timon]

As it happens, my three still living grandparents are all over eighty and don't have the best of health. Since I love them dearly, the couple of years since the death of my paternal grandfather has been distressing, with a lurking fear of the next phone call I get being the news of their passing.

Though I understand the topic is rather personal, I'd like to hear what others have to say about the twilight days of their loved ones and any advice people care to dispense about the best ways of handling this kind of thing.

I understand exactly how you feel. When my Grandad died (over 15 years ago now), I lived in fear of losing my Nan. I was constantly worried abour her. She passed away nearly a year ago, and it still feels painful to think about even now.

I never really got over this fear, but I learned to control it. Be there for your grandparents, remind yourself of all the good memories, and if you believe in an afterlife, remember that you will one day be reunited.