SD.net Seapower (RAR!)

[Fingolfin_Noldor]

*Frank Hipper appears next to shep's head wearing a devil's outfit, like in those old Cartoons*

Devil Hipper: "You missed a spot, you realize."

Shep: Where? I can't totally carpet the place because of limitations on casualties in Israel etc.

Devil Hipper: "Everything east of the Armistice line to the Indian border. No Arabs, no Israel, no Saudi Arabia, No Syria, no problem! Nuke it! Nuke it ALL!"

Shep: What about the oil?

Devil Hipper: " 'Tis underground, and therefore safe, and ripe for the plucking!"

Shep: What about the infrastructure to pump it out?

Devil Hipper: "Infrastructure shminfrastructure, it can rebuilt with ease with the problems, i.e. the people, gone."

What is this Shep? Your version of Faust?

I refuse to command an Aegis, so I will build my own Battleship as mentioned. Ought to think about getting shells with nuclear warheads for the rail guns...

[Xess]

I will throw my own frigate Her Majesty's Awesome Ship Ass Blaster in with the salty sea dogs of the PRFYNAFBTFC, North Atlantic division. THe colder the water, the hotter the parties.

[Raesene]

I will throw my own frigate Her Majesty's Awesome Ship Ass Blaster in with the salty sea dogs of the PRFYNAFBTFC, North Atlantic division. THe colder the water, the hotter the parties.

The Royal Australian Navy will like your prefix

[Shroom Man 777]

Shroom Man, save your posturing for Queen Dopulpopolous. At least I shall be contributing Elerium-115 to our grand cause whilst you choose to impede the glory of Sacred Red Mars!

Queen Dopulpopolous? That sounds Greek. Man, Greek chicks are hot!

I propose that in a state of war, the crew of Taskforce Cuntpuncher and The People's Republic of... FUCKYEAH! will abide by MARTIAN LAW!

Under Martian Law, Mr. Coffee will be able to marry people.

[Lancer]

Wait, so who's Sir Phobos and who's Sir Deimos?

[Shroom Man 777]

I will be Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars and Beater of Ass! Ruler from Olympus Mons to Tharsis!

Under Martian Law, doctors and other wizards are forbidden!

[Lancer]

Right...I'll be over in the other dome stockpiling nuclear weapons purchased with the teeth of my victims to the Brits.

[Shroom Man 777]

Eh, you can go to Pod Six with all the rest of the jerks

[Mr. Coffee]

I will throw my own frigate Her Majesty's Awesome Ship Ass Blaster in with the salty sea dogs of the PRFYNAFBTFC, North Atlantic division. THe colder the water, the hotter the parties.

AARRRRRR! Welcome to Task Force Cuntpuncher, now with 200% more HELLS YEAH!

Ok, guys, new plan... We leave Cuba like a drunken sorority babe we picked up at a bar last night and never really intend to ever call, head on up to Iceland and set up our new temporary capitol there. Cause I hear Iceland has hot babes and lots of booze...

Also, it would make it even more AWESOME when we crack up The Immigrant Song as we sail off in search of people to fuck with. Yeha, we'll play the Immigrant Song when we leave to go on a party/raid/international pranking incident, we'll play For Those About To Rock when we come up on a coast we're gonna kick the shit out of, we'll play Yackity Sax for post raid/prank shenanigans, and we'll play Go Into The Water when we just feel like sinking some hapless fucker for laughs.

Wow, I will have a drink and meditate on the AWESOMENESS of this...

Queen Dopulpopolous? That sounds Greek. Man, Greek chicks are hot!

Which reminds me... Task Force Cuntpuncher hasn't run a wicked burn on the Med yet.

I propose that in a state of war, the crew of Taskforce Cuntpuncher and The People's Republic of... FUCKYEAH! will abide by MARTIAN LAW!

Wait, this mean you're thowing caution till all the chicken hatch and counting all your eggs to the wind and joining up with Task Force Cuntpuncher on our quest to make the entire would go "OH HELL NO, ya'll did NOT just do that!"?

Cause that's entirely cool. Another sick, perverted, entirely twisted, and completely demented bastard joining the crew for laughs at other countries expense. AARRRRRRRRRRR!!! Welcome to Task Force Cuntpuncher, we do more damage before noon while hungover then most navies do all damned week.

What's yer boat's name?

Under Martian Law, Mr. Coffee will be able to marry people.

Well, technically, as the kinda/sorta head of the PRFY I can do that already. But it would be pretty cool when one of those Elvis impersonator pastors in Vegas says to me "I married 30 people in an hour dressed like the King", and I can totally show his ass up by saying "Oh yeah? I married some mother fuckers on MARS! What now, Bitchtits?!" and then punch him in the balls on my way to go play black jack and drink all the booze at the fucking Bellagio. If they comp me some good shit I might even decide to not burn the place to the ground for laughs. I'll let Havokeff indulge his pyromanical tendencies instead...

Think of the headlines... "Task Force Cuntpuncher Runs A Totally Sweet And Insanely Wicked Burn On The Bellagio By Setting The Place On Fire!", followed by "Pirate Attacks In Los Vegas Rise 30000% In The Last Day: Pirates?! But This Is A Fucking Desert, Mang!"


Yeah... On to the Litany of AWESOME!

AVAST and ARRRRRR! The People's Republic of FuckYeah Naval Awesomeness Fleet of Badassery Task Force Cuntpuncher has the Mighty penis, the Yandere, the Cossette, the Alec Guiness, the Bitchslap, the Robber Baron, the Bumbling Hierophant, the Mastubating Walrus, the Devourer of Worlds, the Ass Blaster, the Frigate of Pizazz +2 vs. Douchebags, and the Anus Pervasor as they perform their hit single "We Fucked Your Mother Last Night And All We Got Were These Lousy T-Shirts... And Crabs!"

[CaptainChewbacca]

Welcome to Task Force Cuntpuncher, we do more damage before noon while hungover then most navies do all damned week.

We need patches, and t-shirts.

[Lancer]

Eh, you can go to Pod Six with all the rest of the jerks

As long as you keep dolphin-boy, and I'm not talking about Shep.

[NeoGoomba]

As long as you keep dolphin-boy, and I'm not talking about Shep.

Have fun on the ROBOT RESERVATION! We aren't going to honor those bogus treaties!

[Lancer]

Have fun on the ROBOT RESERVATION! We aren't going to honor those bogus treaties!

Right...um, my secret volcano lair and its army of pajama-clad henchmen say otherwise.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

My Kirov class is renamed "Aurora" and flies the red banner. :lol: The SDNavy is enough to sink any other Navy in the world, so technically we can subdue, and rather fast, all other nations by our presence alone. Then we can select nations to rule over. :lol:

Hell, I was also immediately going for a Kirov. I don't trust myself with nukes, but I want the infinite range of that main cruising reactor.

[Scottish Ninja]

All right, I had a battle plan for taking over Cuba, but I can quickly revise it for Iceland, since it is very flexible.

I propose the direct approach. We sail straight into Reykjavik, and tell (quickly checks Wikipedia) Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson that he can just step right the fuck off, faster than he can say "Holy Pickled Herring!" or whatever the hell they say in Iceland.

If there's any resistance, we can send in the marines by taking a big cruise liner and running it up to full speed and then ramming it into the city so that it goes smashing up the streets, like in that one movie.

[CaptainChewbacca]

There won't be any resistance. Iceland barely has a police force, let alone a military.

BTW, that movie would be 'Speed 2: Cruise Control'.

[The Spartan]

Which reminds me... Task Force Cuntpuncher hasn't run a wicked burn on the Med yet.

I hear the northern coast of the Med is nice every time of year and that their food is outstanding. As a bonus, they have dark haired beauties not unlike the ones we'd encounter sacking the Caribbean.

No coconut drinks but they do have really good wine.

We could go bar hopping for tapas in Spain and get in all kinds of trouble in both Italy and Greece.

[Sea Skimmer]

Hell, I was also immediately going for a Kirov. I don't trust myself with nukes, but I want the infinite range of that main cruising reactor.

You’ve only got to worry about rippling off the nuclear anti ship/land attack missiles, nuclear ASW missiles, nuclear 533mm torpedoes (probably not carried in reality, but possible!) and nuclear depth charges for the helicopters. Shouldn’t be too hard to control yourself when a motorized pirate sampan appears.

Interestingly I recently came across some detailed information on the armor of the Kirov class. The main belt is 3.5 meters tall and 100mm thick over reactor spaces, 100mm tapering to 70mm below the waterline over the P-700 battery. 35mm belt armor extends fore and aft of these spaces, with 70mm on the steering gear. Armor on the S-300 battery is unclear but was of reduced thickness. The main armor deck is 50mm thickening to 80mm over the CIC. The CIC was in an armored box inside the citadel with 100mm sides and 75mm traverse bulkheads. Light armor protected key elections and communication tubes above the armor deck and in the superstructure.

The armor was calculated to protect against Harpoon and Otomat anti ship missiles along with 250kg GP bombs. The 100mm belt at least, would be able to resist 500kg GP bombs and the Tomahawk anti ship missile. Not exactly battlecruiser armor, more like a light cruiser, but nothing else built since 1960 except supercarriers have anything like this much protection. Unfortunately, the Soviets designed a number of nuclear cruisers in the 1950s with as much as 200mm armor over the reactors, but Khrushchev killed them all off.

[Adrian Laguna]

My Kirov class is renamed "Aurora" and flies the red banner.

Hell, I was also immediately going for a Kirov. I don't trust myself with nukes, but I want the infinite range of that main cruising reactor.

I was also thinking along the same lines, except that I do trust myself with atomics. Twenty anti-ship missiles with 500KT warheads, 10MT worth of granite shipwrecking, and that's just the long range weapons. What could go wrong? *laughs maniacally*

[Scottish Ninja]

There won't be any resistance. Iceland barely has a police force, let alone a military.

BTW, that movie would be 'Speed 2: Cruise Control'.

Yeah, but just in case.

Actually, to hell with resistance or no resistance, we should do it anyway. Teach any other pissants around the world what they've got to deal with when we come by.

[Thag]

Hmm. Can I swap out the Halifax for a Gearing class DD, original specs? Cruise missles are for sissies.

[Lancer]

My Kirov class is renamed "Aurora" and flies the red banner.

Hell, I was also immediately going for a Kirov. I don't trust myself with nukes, but I want the infinite range of that main cruising reactor.

I was also thinking along the same lines, except that I do trust myself with atomics. Twenty anti-ship missiles with 500KT warheads, 10MT worth of granite shipwrecking, and that's just the long range weapons. What could go wrong? *laughs maniacally*

Erm, perhaps the bit where you get stuck with a Ticonderoga or Virginia, neither one of which has nuclear ordinance as part of the standard loadout.

[Sea Skimmer]

The topic post says fully equipped; you could interpret that to mean all possible weapons options, which would give Ticonderoga and Virginia nuclear Tomahawks and nuclear Terrier.

[Havok]

In case any members of PRFYNAFBTFC (NSFW) are interested...

[Mr. Coffee]

Or play practical jokes on the Russian navy.

Yeah, this was like a few pages back, but it got me thinking of something AWESOME to pull just for laughs...

We'll sail right at russian territorial waters at flank speed, have all our radios blaring all of the People's Republic of FuckYeah anthems in rotation on all channels while active pinging our sonars (fuck the greenpeace and those goddamned whales), and lighting up our radars so we look like an obnoxiously loud and very threatening group of assholes hell bent on pulling massive shenanigans on the Russians. Make them all nervious like. Then, right before we hit the edge or their waters we pull up and stop just shy of them and switch on our radios and start broadcasting a loop of some annoying kid screaming "I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU" for about an hour while we get nice and hammered.

Rinse and repeat a few times untill they offer to bribe us with lots of vodka and hot russian mail order brides to go the fuck away. Of course we will have to light up the skies with a nice Task Force Cuntpuncher fireworks show during our cocktail hour.

I propose the direct approach. We sail straight into Reykjavik, and tell (quickly checks Wikipedia) Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson that he can just step right the fuck off, faster than he can say "Holy Pickled Herring!" or whatever the hell they say in Iceland.

If there's any resistance, we can send in the marines by taking a big cruise liner and running it up to full speed and then ramming it into the city so that it goes smashing up the streets, like in that one movie.

Like da Wookie says, ain't gonna be much in the way of resistance. We'll just sail on up and challeng them all to a drinking contest of me and Hav (and whoever else can hang with us at two fisted drinking) vs who ever the Icelandians got, the winner claims the Island. Reykjavik will immediately be renamed "AWESOMEville" and all the residents will be put to work figuring out newer and ever more tasty beverages for Task Force Cuntpuncher to consume.

Oh, and Bjork has to give me a hummer. Just because she's got a purdy mouth...

But I do like the idea of ghost riding cruisships and shipping vessles into people's ports for lulz. That there is real live NINJA thinking, homie.

BTW, that movie would be 'Speed 2: Cruise Control'.

Seriously, dude... That is a fucking insanely AWESOME idea, yo.

I hear the northern coast of the Med is nice every time of year and that their food is outstanding. As a bonus, they have dark haired beauties not unlike the ones we'd encounter sacking the Caribbean.

No coconut drinks but they do have really good wine.

We could go bar hopping for tapas in Spain and get in all kinds of trouble in both Italy and Greece.

We'll do that after OPERATION: Fuck With The Russians. Your plan has much AWESOME to it. Also, we'll have to stop by close to Israel and fling a few nukes over the top of them at Syria just for shits and gigles while we're cruising the Med.

In case any members of PRFYNAFBTFC (NSFW) are interested...

That right there is gonna be our OFFICIAL PRFYNAFBTFC Recruiting poster. Kids will see that shit on the wall and walk right past those other, lesser navies recruiters and beg to get a chance to be as AWESOME as us.