Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

[snip] I dunno... maybe it's some teen age or college rite of passage to steal condoms. [snip]

I never got laid in high school. The first time was about two weeks after I graduated, and let me tell you, I was so fucking happy to walk into that drug store and buy that box of rubbers from my best friend's little sister, because I knew that she was a gossipy little bitch that would tell the whole school I finally got some ass.

In college, they just gave us condoms, in paper sandwich bags by the coffee machines in the kitchens. Probably saved everybody a lot of problems that way. People in my house tended to fuck significantly more than the one immediately across the street, however (or at least used condoms more; I did stumble into a nude porn / sex / Rice Krispie Treat party there on my way home once; I swear I am not making this up, a naked dude who I had to look in the eye twice a week in Psych offered me a Rice Krispie Treat; yes, I ate it; it was pretty good), so I occasionally had to do a bare-foot run through snow in -30F conditions to acquire them if I didn't plan ahead.

[Raw Shark]

SMASHED AND HORNY: Listen, I don't have any money to pay you, but I'll do anything you want if you drive me to 8th and Logan.

YOUR DRIVER: Seriously? Anything?

SMASHED AND HORNY: Anything.

YOUR DRIVER: You know that's a seven-dollar ride, right?

SMASHED AND HORNY: I don't care, just take me there!

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, so what if I wanted you to do something at my place?

SMASHED AND HORNY: That's fine if you take me home after.

YOUR DRIVER: Well, what if I asked you to do something really dirty?

SMASHED AND HORNY: [all smiles] I like to get really dirty!

YOUR DRIVER: Fantastic. So, I haven't really cleaned my bathroom since November...

[Kanastrous]

"How can I fulfill your deepest fantasy?"

"Paint my -house-."

[Raw Shark]

I'm not going to claim that this exchange wasn't informed by my previous experience with that joke, but c'mon, I had to try - If she'd actually done it, it would've been epic.

[Zaune]

I'd have thought the odds of that were rather longer than losing your tip and possibly getting pepper-sprayed, though.

[Raw Shark]

If she pepper-sprayed me over a half-joking request to clean my bathroom in the face of an immediate offer to do, "anything," I would suspect that it would say more about her than me.

(For the record, she just sighed loudly and got out in search of some sketchball who would fuck her for $7)

[Zaune]

Fair enough, I guess.

I'm not sure if I'm impressed or vaguely irritated that you get propositioned by drunk and horny women so often you can afford to pick and choose, though. I mean, I've had that happen to me once in my entire life, and she turned out to be a hooker.

[Raw Shark]

For all I know, she may have been an actual hooker, and, if it makes you feel any better, she was not by any definition I am familiar with attractive. I wouldn't fuck her with somebody else's dick, out of fear for their safety. I just had to fuck with her a little because I... y'know... get bored sometimes.

[Darth Nostril]

Fair enough, I guess.

I'm not sure if I'm impressed or vaguely irritated that you get propositioned by drunk and horny women so often you can afford to pick and choose, though. I mean, I've had that happen to me once in my entire life, and she turned out to be a hooker.

You need to get out more, used to happen all the time when I was photographer at a BDSM club.
Being the consummate professional I of course turned them all down, had nothing at all to do with my then SO being the house dominatrix & knowing an incredible number of ways of inflicting pain.

[Zaune]

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find BDSM clubs in rural Northamptonshire? Because I have tried.

[Borgholio]

I just had to fuck with her a little because I... y'know... get bored sometimes.

You are our kind of asshole.

[Raw Shark]

You are our kind of asshole.

I try.

[Dalton]

For all I know, she may have been an actual hooker, and, if it makes you feel any better, she was not by any definition I am familiar with attractive. I wouldn't fuck her with somebody else's dick, out of fear for their safety. I just had to fuck with her a little because I... y'know... get bored sometimes.

I am reminded of Carlin re: Marilyn Quayle

"I would't fuck her with a stolen dick!"

[Kanastrous]

Or Robin Williams' comments concerning captive panda breeding, from the male panda's point of view.

"See, I can tell you don't know about pandas, because -that- is one *ugly* panda bitch. I wouldn't fuck her with a -raccoon's- dick."

[Raw Shark]

DUDEBROGUY #1: [lets out the longest, slowest, wettest-sounding fart I've heard in a while during a conversational lull]

YOUR DRIVER: [cracks a window]

DUDEBROGUY #1: That's how you know you're dealing with an athlete.

DUDEBROGUY #2: True that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR DRIVER: [eager, maybe a little desperate] So, dispatch said you're going to the airport?

COMPLETE ASSHOLE: [laughs] Oh, no, I just told them that so you'd come quickly; I'm really just going to the corner for cigarettes. April Fool!

YOUR DRIVER: [facepalm]

[Raw Shark]

[snip] I'm not sure if I'm impressed or vaguely irritated that you get propositioned by drunk and horny women so often you can afford to pick and choose, though. I mean, I've had that happen to me once in my entire life, and she turned out to be a hooker.

Speaking of actual hookers, rough-looking street whores are far-and-away the biggest demographic as far as trying to get rides for sexual favors goes, as one might expect. This happens so often, especially on Colfax Avenue, that I have a stock response: "I can't transfer that currency, but if you come up to the station and blow the night manager, I can probably get you a company voucher to anywhere in the county." One of these days one of them will take me up on it, and I'll roll up in there like a pimp who expects to be paid in airport trips.

[Borgholio]

One of these days one of them will take me up on it, and I'll roll up in there like a pimp who expects to be paid in airport trips.

And who says that barter-based economies are dead?

[Kanastrous]

Holy shit, the screenplay practically writes itself....

[Borgholio]

Holy shit, the screenplay practically writes itself....

Let's get casting! The part of Raw Shark will be played by Matthew McConaughey in the same style as those Lincoln commercials. The "down on her luck" hooker will be played by Julia Roberts. The night manager can be played by Ron Pearlman, who isn't interested in being blown on the account of being secretly gay. Instead, they go shopping together. But Raw Shark, having developed an attachment to Roberts, is unaware of this, and has to wrestle with his feelings...with hilarious reactions from his passengers.

[Kanastrous]

"I don't drive a Lincoln to be cool."

"Yeah, I know you aren't trying to be cool, I heard you when you said you drive a Lincoln."

[Kanastrous]

^^ that, by the way, is better than the pitch for any number of shows that I have seen get made.

[Kanastrous]

Sup. Art Director: "...so this will be the Barber Shop, where people go for a shave and a haircut -"

Me: "TWO BITS!"

Sup. Art Director: (sighs) "No toon can resist it."

[Raw Shark]

Holy shit, the screenplay practically writes itself....

Let's get casting! The part of Raw Shark will be played by Matthew McConaughey in the same style as those Lincoln commercials. The "down on her luck" hooker will be played by Julia Roberts. The night manager can be played by Ron Pearlman, who isn't interested in being blown on the account of being secretly gay. Instead, they go shopping together. But Raw Shark, having developed an attachment to Roberts, is unaware of this, and has to wrestle with his feelings...with hilarious reactions from his passengers.

I do tend to want to cast Ron Perlman in everything, but I'd feel sorely remiss if I didn't try to get Danny DeVito to reprise Louie DePalma first. If we want more-accurate casting for the kind of street hookers I usually deal with, while staying within the realm of established actresses, we're looking less in the direction of Julia Roberts and more over towards the Rebel Wilson / Laverne Cox end of the pool. Julia Roberts can play the escort who's annoyed that I don't have change for $100.

[Raw Shark]

HEDONISM BOT: [yes, he has my number. No, I did not give it to him intentionally] Can I jerk off while you drive me?

YOUR DRIVER: [patiently] Can you? Yes. Would I be super pissed? Also yes...

HEDONISM BOT: What if I gave you $200?

YOUR DRIVER: Just stop. I said no, and it's tiresome.

HEDONISM BOT: [apologizes for something! kind of] Okay, okay. Sorry if I come on a little strong sometimes.

YOUR DRIVER: [laughs so hard he has to pull over]

[Alyrium Denryle]

HEDONISM BOT: [yes, he has my number. No, I did not give it to him intentionally] Can I jerk off while you drive me?

YOUR DRIVER: [patiently] Can you? Yes. Would I be super pissed? Also yes...

HEDONISM BOT: What if I gave you $200?

YOUR DRIVER: Just stop. I said no, and it's tiresome.

HEDONISM BOT: [apologizes for something! kind of] Okay, okay. Sorry if I come on a little strong sometimes.

YOUR DRIVER: [laughs so hard he has to pull over]

I totally read that in Hedonism Bot's voice.

"Oh hello Driver, you are indeed the nice working-class man I ordered. I'll be in the back putting batteries in...things."