StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Northern Astaria
The Most Dangerous Game




Bob Bando watched as another of his customers lined up a shot. The man seemed to be a pretty good hunter, overall, and had mentioned something about hunting rhino and Cape buffalo in Frequesque. He'd dropped a Rage-Reaver earlier, but they were unable to confirm, because while the body twitched, other Reavers hauled it away.

"Why do they do that?" one of the other cutsomers whispered to Bando, while the first man lined up his shot. Bando shrugged.
"Sometimes they drag off their dead, sometimes they don't. Probably to eat them," he said.

BANG! --The shot rang out, and everyone looked downrange to see a human body twitch and hit the ground.
"Fuck, yeah," the man beside Bando said as he cradled his G98 Shroomser rifle, eager for his chance to score a hit as clean.

"Good job," Bando said, "Let's go claim him."
"Hopefully non of those other bastard's'll drag him off," said the shooter. Bando and his small band of four customers stalke dforward carefully.

"This has been a pretty quiet sector, though, really," said one of the hunters-- in fact, a huntress, one of maybe five female hunters that had gone on one of Bob Bando's little safaris into the infected zones to hunt the most dangerous game.

He'd been in business for over two years now, thinning Astaria's herds of wildmen, and oddly enough in that time the five women that had participated had been some of the best hunters. Cold-blooded bitches, each of them, too, Bando recalled. A lot of men paid for the hunts, but it was guaranteed that out of any hunt package of 8 men, at least three of them would be posers doing it for 'tough-guy cred'. They didn't really have the stomach for it, and Bob Bando had to escort their sorry, sobbing lumps back to the secure blind. Bando figured that only cold, hard-core women would even consider coming on a hunt like the ones he provided, which was why he only got the few True Believers.

They reached the body, and immediately Bando could tell something was wrong. The body was dressed in unmarked military fatigues that were common on the civilian market. He didn't appear military, though, with longer hair and a generally unkempt appearance, but he was clearly no shambling Reaver, either.

"Shit," he spat, "That's a normal."
"A what?" the shooter asked.
"A goddamn normal," Bando said again, "He's not infected. Look at his eyes, his general condition. He was never infected." He picked up a pistol from the man's belt-- a nice, nickel-plated Desert Eagle. It was clean and oiled, had fired a couple shots, and he had extra ammunition in a belt pouch in two loaded magazines. Definitely not a Reaver, he noted.

"One of the other hunters left the blind?" the female hunter asked.
"No," the fourth man in the group said, "He's not from the other team. None of them is this blond or this slender. But who else would be out here?"

"I dunno," Bando said, suddenly feeling nervous. The sector had been quiet lately, too quiet-- he thought maybe they'd hunted out a lot of the Infected from the area, but the Infected tended to roam, and they weren't confined to 'territory' by instinct. "Could be someone else has set up a hunt... but this guy is out here by himself... maybe."

They looked aorund, nervous and unsure.
"Let's get out of here," the female hunter said.
"Yeah," said the shooter, very pale and beginning to shake. "Let's just go... the Reaver's'll get him, right?"

"We better hope so," said Bando, "Before his buddies get here..." the team of them becked away, and Bob Bando's mind raced. Who elese could be here? A military group? Mercenaries? Why? There's nothing here... jihadists, maybe, but he didn't look Muslim... but then, anyone could be a Muslim, and if jihadis wante dot infiltrate, they'd choose someone who didn't look too obvious... None of it made sense.

"Okay, look," he said, as the small team carefully picked their way back to the blind, "Hunt's still on for those that want it. We'll pick another sector and go in, and try to be more careful. Someone is operating in the area, so that'll just add to the challenge, eh?" he tried to sound lighthearted, but the shooter was pale and nervous, the female had a look of deadly concern on her face, and the other two just nodded without a word.

"Sweet jesus, I killed that guy," the shooter said.
"Look, it was a mistake," Bando said, "We had no reason to suspect there'd be someone out there, no reason at all. If they're out there, and being quiet about it, then they're probably up to no good, so no one's going to complain. They'll think Reavers got 'im. Remember," he warned, "Everyone signed non-disclosure and confidentialtiy agreements, right? So no more about that guy."

They made it back to the blind, but no one felt like going back out that day anyway.

King Leighton-I of Zoria, along with several of his personnel secretaries came in as he respectifully made his greetings with the Byzantine Emperor, while making a few friendly comments thanking him for arranging this meeting before he got the meeting begun, as well as commenting on improved outputs in the Ironridge mountains.

"To begin this conference, i would like to clarify a few points which have in general been overlooked by the more radical elements involving the ongoing confrontations between the Zorian Military and the Jihadi Forces in the Dragonsnake River Basin." The lights were turned down as a powerpoint program began "The first being the most evident misconception, the idea that this that Zoria is engaged in a campaign to destroy the Malip because they are Muslims."

The screen displayed the bloodied remains of the Former Japanistani Eastern Velerian Settlement "The reason why this conflict began was because of the actions of a deranged Japanistani ultranationalist, which resulted in a maddened attack against civilians by the natives. Zoria had a sugnifigiant presence in Veleria well before the conflict began. Our actions against the natives were designed specificially as an act of shock and awe to show those who were responcible the firepower Zoria had at its disposal and to deture future attacks to protect our assets. The fact that they were Muslims was a technicality, we did the same actions against Egsa tribals which were involved in the attack, the diference being that the Egsa for the most part were willing to stand down their insurgency when we made the offer for peace, while the Malip proved to be in general less willing to make a settlement, while Zoria has managed to negotiate similar arangements for mutual non hostility with several of the more reasonable Malip groups. The United Kingdom has no problem with Muslims, the League of Zorian Mosques and her 275,000 followers is proff of this and we have no desire to interfere with their religious beleifs, so long as they conduct them peacefully. However, Zoria does have a problem with those who seek to kill its citizens and threaten her interests and will do whatever is nessisary to neutralize threats that present themselves to them.

"In Regards to the claims made in regards to Zoria making intrusions onto Malip Territory, one must take into account the ranges of the Malip." A new image cam up, displaying the sight which Port Adria now stood upon, it was boggy and looked unpleasant and boggy. "The mouth of the Dragonsnake River for the most part was not in use by either Malip nor Egsa before, it was only used occasionally by a few Egsa and, less often Malip groups during occasional lean seasons as a temporary measure and their was no contention nor protest of the United Kingdom's use of this until the war began. As for the other assets Zoria has in the Dragonsnake River basin." Another image came up, displaying a map of the area, including a map of the Dragonsnake Rainforest, a few areas were coloured Red, Representing the range of the Egsa, a few coloured green representing the Malip, a few yellow areas representing areas which were not inhabited on any regular basis and their were a few minor patches coloured blue, representing the Zorian Presence. A secondary map was without the blue sections, with the blue replaced largely with Yellow. "This map was peiced together over the past few years by sociological teams. In Effect, Zoria has left the range of the Malip uneffected, the territories that we managed to obtain beyond Port Adria were either completely unused or largely unused by both groups and only seldomly used by the Egsa. Effectively the Malip have lost effectively none of their current territory due to Zorian Actions. We do to the West in the Ironridge mountains, but these are well away from either group and well outside the conflict zone and the area in which the Malip have any semblence of a claim to. Our primary interest in the Rainforest is above all else the River, which provides a cheap and easy route to the mineral based riches of the mountains and while both groups use it for fishing, we do not interfere in their actions while we work. Besides, how often do you come into conflict in regards to Byzantium and Anatolia, a land which was once home to numerous muslim Emerites?

"This brings the fact of the matter towards the Jihad. The first contention is the claims of Muslim Lands, the fact of the matter is that Port Adria was not built on Muslim Lands unless you strech the word very thinly, nor is our other interests elsewere in Veleria. The second part that i must bring up is the Egsa tribals in the Region, which have been targeted fairly frequently by Jihadis" The presentation moved up to an image of a Egsa Village which had been sacked by Jihadis which was to say the least gruesome "and often request our aid in dealing with said attacks and in assisting them in defense of their homes and people. This image was one of several brutal examples of the actions of the Jihadis. Among the actions of these men also include torture, the slaughter of children and rape." A more gruesome set of photographs of women and children were displayed, taken by RZA soldiers after taking a Jihadi camp "There have been similar reports from Malip villages, including those which were supportive to the Jihadis by the more Orthodox of these Muslims. Providing weapons and military training is only giving them sharper knives with which to slit throughts with, not any semblence of moral guidence or ensurence they will subscribe to any level of deceny in their actions.

"This brings us to the next point we must adress, your open goal of your ambitions with the Jihadis, which you have declared to be an Eastern Velerian vassel state which will be subordinate to Syria. These ambitions you have made blattently clear in your statements and decrees, as well as in your Involvements in Hadhramara. You have turned the Zorian Conflict to a measure to meet colonial ambitions, if through less direct routes than open conquest and colonization. The key diference in this affair is that your ambitions are for the most part involve the subversion of control of a nation and quashing resistance, even though said resistance in the case of the Warlord Muballi deserved ellimination while Zoria is primarally constructive, defending its assets but staying out of the affairs of those willing to let us move towards the completion of our goals, while begining collection of otherwise unexploited resources.

"As it stands, the results of your plans is to build a new empie from Veleria will bring a long period of Death and Destruction upon the region, for both muslims and non muslims alike. The Zorian Military is prepared to meet the forces of Jihad with its cold, callous and rational professionalism, along with a modern arsenal backed by an economy larger than your own, to neutralize threats to what is a sizable investment in terms of infastructure and facillities, the people who we have agreed to protect and the Daughters and sons of Zoria. However, we would much rather a peaceful solution happens, one in which the threats end in the most agreeable of ways and simply stop being such. For this to happen what needs to be done is for you to stand down your support of the Jihadis to stop this petty conflict over a few small sections of land. The fact of the matter is that Veleria is a large place and Zoria would be quite happy to let her people live as they desire, so long as they do not pose a threat to the interests of our kingdom. There is the opertunity confortable compromise which will allow Zoria her interests in the area and leave the locals happy and in peace, without fear of Zorian Airpower or Jihadi thuggery. All that needs to be done on your part to save the lives of thousands is to rescend your comments involving the Zorian presence Dragonsnake River Valley and cut funding to arm what are for the most part brutish fanatical thugs and the conflict will come to a much swifter and far less bloody end."

Adams Capital District
Day After Election Day


After retiring at one o'clock with his fate still undetermined, Stephen woke up the next morning just five hours later to begin his usual daily activities, namely a bout of paper-signing in the morning before breakfast with Sophia and Deirdre that would have them find out for certain if they would be staying for another six years.
At first he didn't want to hear the news. Not out of fear from losing but just out of a bit of stoic apathy toward the situation. If he won, then that was that; he would proudly serve the Republic another six years. If he lost, it meant being relieved of a heavy burden and freed to spend time with his family, meaning watching his daughter finish growing up, mending fences with his younger son Jim, and teasing his older son into giving him grandkids.
It was about seven-thirty when his secretary brought him the Adams Daily Tribune. It had his fate plastered in big lettering.

GARRETT RE-ELECTED!



The Seattle Post-Intelligencer


President Garrett wins with late Oregon clincher.

PORTLAND, OREGON - The mood in the provincial Whig Party HQ in Portland's business district of Culverton was one of elation when the late results came in: the Whig Party had won the necessary majority to guarantee the state's electoral college votes by just enough to avoid an onerous automatic recount. Garrett hauled in fifty-one percent of the province's votes to MacKenzie's forty-seven, with Conservative candidate Alexander Phelps and Green Party candidate Eva Montclair claiming the majority of the remnant votes. The victory in Oregon gives President Garrett the necessary majority of the Electoral College to win immediately, clinching re-election for the Whig President and his "New Whig" administration.


Results:
I win! (Did you have any doubts? )

San Dorado Herald

Garrett receives congratulations from Hank

President Hank has congratulated President Stephen Garrett of Cascadia on his re-election victory in a telephone conversation that touched on the global challenges facing the world.

In what the President described as a ‘friendly conversation’, Mr Hank re-stated his enthusiasm for positive San Doradan-Cascadian relations.

“The president and I spoke about the strength of the San Doradan-Cascadian relationship, and our commitment to take that relationship to even greater strengths into the future,” he said in a press conference at the Tower of Commerce.

“I'm convinced that we’ll continue to have a first-class working relationship with President Garrett. As I've said before publicly, I believe him to be a very good man,” Mr Hank said.

The conversation, which lasted about 10 minutes, covered the “common challenges we face” such as the unrest in East Velaria, religious intolerance, and regional insecurity.

President Farve critcizes Garret

"Garret does not know his priorities, as evidenced by his attack on Veleria. Mubali was just another third-world warlord, the kind that can't threaten anyone outside his own country. The jihadis threaten to overrun the whole world with their horrific 'faith', and by attacking Mubali, Garret removed the biggest block to the jihadi's control of Veleria!"-Oliver Farve, when asked to comment on what he thought of Cascadia's newly reelected president.

Official communique from the PeZookian Diplomatic Mission to Cascadia

Mr President,
I was instructed by my government to pass on congratulations on your re-election. His Majesty himself would like to express hope that relations between Cascadia and PeZookia will continue to improve throughout the next six years, and that your family and yourself remain in good health.

With utmost respect,

Jerzy Damięcki, PeZookian ambassador to Cascadia.

Fabowice, PeZookia



The night club was cramped, dark and stank of sweat and cigarettes. The lights and mind-numbing techno music created a psychedelic atmosphere, and worked just fine to conceal the business which was being conducted in the many dark corners available here.

It also made it very hard to spot the police detectives and NOD operatives scattered throughout the dance floor, observing one of the booths, occupied by a well-dressed man. Anywhere else, he'd look like a respected businessman - in here, he was obviously suspect.

"Everyone is ready", one of the undercover cops said into the air, leaning against the bar.

"Copy that. Filip, you're go."

The man the message was directed to got out of his car outside and went into the club. He exchanged a few words with the bouncer, who - strangely enough - let him in immediately. He approached the businessman and they exchanged handshakes.

"You're right on time. I like that.", the man said. His handshake was confident and strong.

"I like to show respect for the people I'm doing business with."

"Excellent! I can see our co-operation will be smooth. Can I get you anything?"

"Vodka and Purple Bull,please."

The half-naked waitress served the drink. For a while, both men watched the exotic dancers, before the businessman spoke again.

"I was told you are looking for something special."

"That's right. My employers have particular tastes."

"As in...?"

"Black hair, slender, small breasts. Has to be a virgin."

The businessman sipped on his drink, nodding to himself.

"I think I can set you up. But you have to understand...virgins are expensive."

"This is to be expected. Money is not a problem."

"Good. Then I shall arrange a meeting."

Result: PeZookian police and NOD co-operate in shutting down people trafficking from former Border States. More plot to follow

Serenity Sentinel

King Yenchin Congratulates President Garret

King Yenchin welcomed the victory of President Stephen Garret Jr. of the Republic of Cascadia today as a continuation of the Cascadia-Serenity friendship, according to Palace Spokesperson, Wenyi Li.

In the congratulation message, written by His Majesty in both official languages of Serenity as well as Fusang, he praised President Garret's accomplishments in the past six years of his tenure, and was looking foward for his next six years. The message will be sent to the President by the Serenity Ambassador in Cascadia.

To President Garrett

A moist and delicious cake.



CONGRATULATIONS MANG!!!

From Prime Minister Shroom the 777th

Imperial Chronicles

The Caliph tried not to laugh, and the Emperor maintained a steely face and looked squarely at the Zorian King who had just broken the preconditions of the meeting; that not a threat would be issued, and that both parties would be willing to negotiate. Yet, the Zorian King just essentially declared that he would use his army against the Jihadists and the Sultan and offered little or no room to negotiate. Decius was also looking stoic and looked to his Lord for a sign. Saladin looked at the two men and knew that they were like a dam waiting to burst in fury.

He turned to the Zorian King and said, "Perhaps my ears are misunderstanding this? Did you just .. wash off your hands off the fact that there used to be a number of old villages along the Dragonsnake river? When you arrived in the area, in your pursuit of resources in the lands, you destroyed their lands by deforesting them and then mined whatever you could lay your hands on. Then you assaulted and killed any natives that got in your way. You must be seriously deluded to think that the natives would welcome you with open arms for infringing on their territorial rights and destroying their source of livelihood. Then you attempted to paint them as religious fanatics because they attempted to defend their fellow brethen. Sure some of these "fanatics" were overzealous but not all. Yet you have done as so much as did your best to alienate the populace and then drove them to the point of desperation. Deliberately adopting divide and conquer tactics by funding select groups while destroying others. You have turned villages which were formerly friends into foes.

Did I also just hear that you just threatened me with your foul army? Did not the precondition for this meeting state that no threats would be issued? I could just walk out of the door right now, but I am giving you a chance to amend your position. Otherwise, this meeting is nothing but a waste of time."

CNBC – Commonwealth National Broadcasting Company



“… The final results are, 75 seats for the Far-Left, 32 seats for the Economic Responsible, and 3 for the New Monarchists. Prime Minister Black wins his election, and the newly named 'For Economic Responsibility' group has maintained a hold in The Senate. The Southern Republic's 50 seat House of the People election is next week, but the current predicted arragenment is 7 Far-Leftists, 42 People's Landers, and a single member of the For Economic Responsibility.

"In other political news, King Brandon has congratulated President Garret on his late win in the Cascadian Presidential Election."


Former Royal Mountain Retreat, Near Azzan


The representative of the Vinish Islamic League sat across from the former monarch in silence until he felt he had to say something, “Let me summarize, in exchange for assassinating King Brandon, you will…”

The monarch cut him off, “And all other possible pretenders to my throne, I assure your group support in continuing your jihad, and I will make it possible for a nuclear weapon to be… lost, and found in your possession at a later date.”

“You, sire, have a deal.”

Ten minutes later

The young guard had worked for former-King Jeffery for almost three years, and was considered loyal in the most absolute sense, he had to be to have been allowed to defend the former-King in that room.

What missplaced trust that was, the guard was, like all of Jeffery's guards and servants, a highly paid operative for VEIL, and carefully selected to be completely without sympathy for the deranged former monarch.

He carefully walked out of the conference room, as the meeting had ended with a rousing discussion and attempted conversion of the monarch, and even more carefully went to his room to get a disposable cell phone given to him by VEIL for a purpose similar to this, he hit the redial button, and said, "I have big news," before hanging up and pocketing the phone for later disposal.

Orena, Royal Office

King Paul was on the phone. Actually, two phones.

Karol was speaking with a TV news station anchor who had access to the Zorian-Byzantine peace conference, and a stenographer was typing furiously. The other phone - a pink one, hidden discreetly in a desk drawer - was occupied by the King himself.

"Yeah, Shroom. I know what's going on at the conference. Yes, it does look bad."

Paul listened for a second, trying to simulatenously process Karol's monologues and Shroom's plans.

"Okay, I can get on board with that. Frankly, I don't think anything's going to come out of this conference at all, so we might just as well try..."

"Uh-huh. Okay, listen...yes, I know. The FUN is awesome", Paul nodded as Shroom's voice grew more and more excited, "But we have to tread carefully. Listen, why don't we meet and discuss that plan? I'd like to work out something which satisfies all sides, and avoid more bloodshed...well, no. No, 'sticking it to Zor' isn't really an objective."

"Okay...good. How about we meet in Orena? Maybe even arrange a little conference, invite president Garret?"

Off the Shroomanian coastline

The submarine SSS Blowhole had a crew that was typically Shroomanian in nature, with a love for song. Their captain didn't mind-after all, they weren't near any form of danger-or so it seemed.

The sailors started up in an old Shroomanian marine chant. "Where can you find leisure, search the world for treasure, learn science technology...." Their song rang throughout the submarine, and everyone joined in.

Farther away, the Coilerburg submarine Warden approached them, neither submarine knowing the other was there-until it was too late, at least partially due to the Shroomanian crew's laxity.

With a loud crash, the two submarines banged together.

10 Shrooming Street, Farbanti, Shroomania



For the past years, the subsequent deflation of international turmoils and tensions had created an environment free of unwanted stimulation, allowing the Prime Minister to focus on a whole slew of other Prime Ministerial duties - such as enhancing the Sovereignty's mighty infrastructure, like polishing the buttocks-shaped Chunnel to Canissia to enhance Shroom-MESS relations, erecting new skyscrapers to excite the populace with their lengths and girths, and building some of the world's finest hospitals and trying to come up with alliterative names for them, along with other responsibilities that entailed keeping Shroomania as bugfuck nuts as it was while keeping it a functional country. Not just a (dys)functional country, but a damn good one at that.

But now the Prime Minister was excited. And it was never good when he was excited.

Holy war in the far East. Cannibal cargo cults in Astaria. Vampire sightings in the mall. Can the family be safe?

Or if we were meant to be monogamous, the host of Prime Minister Shroom's favorite radio station went on. Then why weren't we born already married?

Good question, Shroom thought.

"Zor's a total whacko," Shroom went on, holding his Pink Phone to Orena. "I knew those goddamn crazy convict colonial cocks were a bunch of shitpieces. Inbred ones too. There's a reason civilized countries ditch..."

The PM stopped himself from making a quip about the stereotypical geneological makeup of traditional nobility, since he realized that Paul and most of the world leaders were actual-factual Kings and/or, goddamn it, frickin' Emperors.

"... eating wallabies," Shroom went on. "Goddamn Zorians. Who does he think he is, waltzing into Byzantium and making ultimatums. Holy crap, man, in Constantinople. Right there with goddamn Heraclius, that big scary old stiff. Man. I wouldn't dare do any of that stuff in front of him, either."

King Paul made some noncommittal grunt about something or another.

"Oh, right," Shroom nodded. "I did do that pirouette while I was meeting him at Constantinople. But I did that behind his back. In front of all the cameras. Hah, Prime Minister Shroom - the Ballerina Behind the Byzantine Emperor's Back! Man, what's King Leighton thinking?"

"Goddamn Zorians. They fill our streets with that VALKYR shit and now all this crap..."

"This is nuts, mang," Shroom went on. "I say we do something about this before either Byzantium or Zoria does something they'll regret. Well, the Zorians've done a shitload of regrettable things, but... what the hell're the Byzantine's doing dicking around in Velaria anyway?"

"Oh well. I guess spiting the Zorians's just a good cause as any. I'd do it too, if I weren't busy with drinking breast-" Shroom stopped. "Oh shit."

"What was that, Karol?" came King Paul's reply. "Oh, sorry. Wrong phone. What was that, Shroom? Did you say something about breasts?"

"Oh yeah. Breastblood," Shroom said sheepishly. "Drinking breastblood. Those goddamn vampire sightings at the mall, you know, I might as well be catching HERV or something, goddamn it! Anyway, my point is that if we want this whole Velarian thing stopped before it goes out of hand, then we have to do something.

"I mean, crap, this problem can't be solved by Heraclius and Leighton getting into a shouting match. This is an international issue and we can't have either of them unilaterally butting heads. They'll get concussions!"

"What we ought to do is to make this one a multilateral multinational thing. Velaria's a shithole, the holy war going on there is a fucking international cat's ass-trophy. Yeah, a cat's ass-trophy. So the best thing to do is for us, the whole bunch of us, to get the Zorians on the table and get them to listen."

"It'd be totally cool if the Byzantium gets all of the SNC to help, plus Shroomania your favorite full-time partner. And we can rally the old FUN guys, it might be an economic alliance, but we can still totally kick ass! Like the good old days, with the Goddamn Libertopians because this is what it's going to be! And with the FUN, we can get the Commonwealth - minus Zorians those goddamn colonial convict curs, and plus we can get Cascadia and the Pan-Pacific thing in on it.

"So, yeah, SNC, plus us, plus the FUN, plus the Commonwealth, plus Cascadia and the Pan-Pacific guys, it'll be EVERYONE and Zor'll have to listen to us or he'll get himself declared a Rogue Nation and get his ass beat. Come on! It'll be awesome! Like good old days! Sure the FUN can't spam the Central Sea with anti-ship missile and blockade Saddamistan, but it'll be great! We'll be going on about Goddamn Libertopians and Shiteating Syndromians and all sorts of shit in no time! Alright! YEAH!"

And with that, both the Sovereign of Shroomania and the King of PeZookia concluded their business and the Prime Minister placed his phone down.

On his bowl of florn cakes.

"Aw, mang! I've got milk all over my telephone!" then it rang and Shroom placed its soaked form against his ear. "What the hell happened to my submarine?!"


Results:
Shroomania and PeZookia think of TAKING THIS UP A NOTCH by involving the international community in this madness.
COILER WHAT?! YOU DICK!

Coiler wrote:Off the Shroomanian coastline

The submarine SSS Blowhole had a crew that was typically Shroomanian in nature, with a love for song. Their captain didn't mind-after all, they weren't near any form of danger-or so it seemed.

The sailors started up in an old Shroomanian marine chant. "Where can you find leisure, search the world for treasure, learn science technology...." Their song rang throughout the submarine, and everyone joined in.

Farther away, the Coilerburg submarine Warden approached them, neither submarine knowing the other was there-until it was too late, at least partially due to the Shroomanian crew's laxity.

With a loud crash, the two submarines banged together.

LIVE on ShroomSat/StratTV
The Sovereign Shroomanian Sentinel
SUPER-SILENT SEA SUBMARINE SAUSAGE SLAM


A Coilerburg submarine hits a Shroomanian submarine sea ship.

The Sovereign Navy's SSS Blowhole and the Coilerburg submarine Warden collided in Shroomanian waters and both ships have incurred significant damage, although neither ships lost any seamen in their unforeseen meeting.

According to the Navy, the SSS Blowhole was conducting normal patrols in Shroomanian waters when the Coilerburg submarine somehow evaded its sonar and met it face on in the middle of the sea, with neither ships knowing the other was there.

The SSS Blowhole was submerged slightly deeper than the Coiler submarine, and when both ships made intimate physical contact, the Blowhole bent its periscope. The damage rendered it unable to erect its sensory aperature.

It was only at that moment that both ships knew of the other's presence.

When the Coilerburg Warden knew that the Blowhole knew of its presence, it immediately veered off - presumably in a delayed attempt at evasion due to the confusion of the moment.

Perhaps due to the navigational error that sent a Coilerburg warship so far off course as to reach Shroomanian territorial waters, the Warden ended up hitting an underwater mountain and incurred severe damage to the head of its shaft (as seen in photo).

With the timely intervention of the SSS Murderous von Schrom, the Warden was saved - along with all of its crew - before vessel and seamen suffered a watery grave. With the Coiler seamen rescued, the Shroomanian Navy is now offering to repair the Warden - which is currently being hauled for drydock at Comberth Harbor as it is in no condition to sail home without a considerable Sovereign Navy escort for safety pending a full inspection and damage-assessment.


Result:
Coiler you dumb fuck, now I have your submarine AND your seamen! HA-HA!
And all I ended up with was a bent periscope!

Collisions



Presidential Palace, downtown San Dorado

Night had fallen over San Dorado, and in presidential bedroom on the top levels of the palace Sidney Hank and the love of his life, Daphne Sinclair, were engaged in what a more modest man would describe as a passionate liaison-- when suddenly a telephone rang.

“Sweet Lady you have got to be kidding me”, Sidney groaned. “Is that..?”

“Yeah, it’s the red one”, Daphne huffed and let herself slide off the president. “I assume you have to take this?”

“Ah fuck”, the President cussed. “What is wrong with this fucking continent? Can’t a man have a single night of rest?” He leaned over and grabbed the phone off the hook. “Yeah?”

“Mister president”, spoke a calm voice Sidney that didn’t immediately recognize, but which had the trademark drone of a boring intelligence officer. “We have a situation. According to one of our assets in the Coilerburg admiralty one of their subs has collided with a Shroomanian sub-- in Shroomanian territorial waters.”

“Ugh”, the President groaned. “Is it bad?”

“We don’t have a full picture yet. We just thought you should know, considering our ties with both-”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks…” Sidney Hank let himself drop back on the pillows. Suddenly he felt exhausted. Fucking Coilerburg and their fucking submarines, he thought. A-fucking-gain, no less! He briefly closed his eyes.

“That looks serious”, Daphne said. He opened his eyes and looked at her. “Do you have to deal with this?” she asked, pursing her lips ever so slightly.

Sidney looked at her supple and quite completely undressed body, looked at the telephone, then looked back at her. With a mighty groan tossed the phone back on the hook, and leered widely. “Fuck Coilerburg. I’ve got better things to do.”

Results: President Hank says ‘screw the Coilerburg navy and their fuck-ups, they can deal with this themselves’, because he has like way better things to do, man .

Location: Temple Prime, Sarajevo, USSR

The sounds of laughter spread out from the Premiers office. When Elena entered she found Premier Shady and Kane sharing a drink and laughing like madmen.

"Care to share the joke?", she asked with a smile.

"Of course my dear.", the Premier began with a smile, "It appears that a Coilerburg submarine somehow found itself in Shroomanian waters and managed to collide with a Shroomanian submarine."

The two men began laughing again.

"And it appears that our Shroomanian friends suffered only minor damage.", Shady continued, "While the Coilerburg sub was wrecked almost completely."

"Well, their Navy is known for it's incompetence.", Kane injected.

"Indeed Comrade.", Shady said and then his face got serious, "The big question is, what was their submarine doing in Shroomanian Territorial waters, so close to the Old Continent?"

"Perhaps they were spying on the Shroomanians?", Elena asked.

"Perhaps.", Kane added.

"It is possible, we'll see what the Shroomanians have to say about it.", The Premier said, "In the meantime, I will order our two newly acquired Lada class submarines to patrol the area. We will of course inform our Shroomanian friends and who knows, perhaps we can have a collision of our own."

The laughter continued.

"Oh and Elena my dear, I want you to send my personal congratulations to President Garret on his victory in the Cascadian Presidential Election", Shady said, "I met the man, and I have to say: he is a capable leader and deserves to be President for another 6 years."

Results: The Premier doesn't like the fact that FTO(Coilerburg) subs are so close to the OC, so he's sending a couple of USSR subs to boost Shroomanian patrols in the area. And he also sends his congratulations to President Garret.

Shroomston, The Commonwealth

"Is that so?"

The Director looked at the man now standing in front of him in the very conspicuous and expensive suit, he spoke, "Yes, they are currently back to their assigned drudgery, but they still have hope of finding a way up the ladder. Now, what is you called for?"

"Well, Reverend, I'm having a crisis of faith, God seems to be presenting me with numerous opportunities to learn about Islam since the call of jihad..."

"Ah, well," the other man stumbled.

"Nah, just messing with, what I need is your opinion, who is the best guy at taking notes in that little group of yours."

"Simple, Mr. Starr takes adequate notes."

"Alright, I'll get him a ticket to Azzan in the morning."

"What for?"

"Don't worry about it. Wait, before you go, did you hear about that Coiler thing?"

"The Coiler Thing?"

"Exactly, thanks."

"The last thing we need is a goddamned Freedomite winning the next election! Did you know that Congress is even now talking about recalling me for incompetence? Do you know what this means? It means no more subs! You can kiss Frequesue's defense goodbye!

Those narcissist engineers were-"

"Ollie, I think you need some more of the happy puffs!", Sofia answered in a singsongy voice before handing Farve a bottle of something marked TONKIN INDUSTRIES BRAND ADHESIVE, undoing the cap, and sticking it into his nostril.

After a few minutes of deep breaths, Farve's mood changed from a raging madman to a giggling lunatic. "Sofie, are you up for more-"

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Hastily dressing, Sofia ran down and answered it, expecting to just tell them to go. Opening the door, she saw Mary Farve at the door. "Ms. Farve, I-don't think your husband is-in the mood to be seen by anyone but me right now."

"Please. I've known him for longer than you've been alive. You're just where he goes when I'm not in the mood for you-know-what, I'm someone he trusts the most."

"It's not like that. He's been sniffing glue, markers, and just about everything else. When he isn't so high as to be totally out of it, he's a raving lunatic, raving against his navy, his government, and-he's honestly scaring me. Really, all this over a crashed submarine that's still floating?"

Mary gave Sofia a "C'mon" look. "You know how he acts about his subs. I think he loves them more than he loves both of us put together. Besides, I don't think that power is right for him now-if it ever was. Known that ever since he said that the Blues Brothers engineers were lying when they said that no submarine could make 37 knots. He says that he knew of one that could make well over forty."

Sofia's interest was piqued, but she had other priorities, leading Mary up the bedroom where her husband lay in a dazed stupor. "Ollie, it's me, your wife. What's wrong?"

Farve's raving madness gave way to determination as he pulled a book out of his suitcase. It was some sort of book on submarines. "Look." The admiral read aloud

"Project 705/Lira/Alfa class submarine:
Soviet Navy
Top Speed: 45 knots
Crush depth: Circia 1,300 meters"

"Who's the Soviet Navy?"

"Like the Crimson Star Republic, except-"

"Except what?"

"In another world."

If Farve had been giggling and laughing in between, no one would have believed him. But that he seemed strangely calm-and that he had an actual book in his hands-, Sofia and Mary seemed to admit that this was either genuine or an elaborate hoax.

Farve pulled another book and several maps out of his suitcase. At that point, Sofia realized that it was much bigger than the ones he had previously brought on his visits to her home. He obviously had packed more than a change of clothes.

The map was marked "Earth", and showed a world that had geography similar to the world they knew in some areas, but was completely different in others. Another map was of a world that was made completely of islands of various sizes, including one marked "Coilerburg"-a tiny island in the central ocean.

"Ollie, where'd you get these?" If this was a hoax, it sure had a lot of effort put into it.

"Jeffrey gave them to me-you know, the ex-president of Coilerburg, ousted by coup, maintained as advisor because he knew."

"But how'd he get them?"

"I dunno-he just gave them to me."

A sudden realization dawned in Mary's brain. "Was it about the submarine at all?"

"Only a little. Yes, it's a fuckup, but nothing worse than the Kida disaster-better, since no one died. We can live through it, it's not worth that much stressing about. But no, if I seemed agitated, it was from knowing that there are at least two parallel universes there, all similar to ours in some way. If I didn't have the books, I wouldn't believe Jeffrey, but I do.

I was going to show you, Sofie, so that you would understand. But I'm glad that you're here too, Mary. Now we can read about the complete history of this country called the 'United States of America', where Jeffrey says he's really from. I'm up to the so-called 'War of 1812' so far", the president said, holding up a large history book. "Wanna read it with me?"

Results:

The plot thickens!

Fingolfin_Noldor wrote:Did I also just hear that you just threatened me with your foul army? Did not the precondition for this meeting state that no threats would be issued? I could just walk out of the door right now, but I am giving you a chance to amend your position. Otherwise, this meeting is nothing but a waste of time."

"Forgive my poor choice of words. The statement was simply a statement of the fact that Zoria will defend her assets in Veleria against agressive actions, as has been the case. We are not looking to escalate the conflict any further than it already has gotten to and have no desire to see it's range further expand to incompass new peoples.

However, i am interested, proposal for a compromise."

Headlines from the Anchorage Daily News

Alaskan Polls Close....

The polls in Nome have closed tonight, with exit polls showing President Cizadlo with a narrow lead over the next candidate - Write-in VP Rice. Cizadlo was heard singing

"Oh Give me a home,
Between Fairbanks and Nome,
Where the moose and the ptarmigan play,
Where nothing will grow,
'Cause it's covered in snow,
From June to the following May....."

President Cizadlo Congratulates Garret

President Cizadlo Called President Garret this afternoon to congratulate Garret oh winning a second six year term.....

Tian Xia No longer Most Hated Nation!

In a recent poll of Adult Alaskans, Zoria beat out Tian Xia as least liked nation with only a .5% aproval rating to Tian Xia's 20%. This represents a rise of 5% for Tian Xia, and a drop of 50% for Zoria year over year...

CANTANKEROUS COILER COLLISION COCKUPS



Comberth Harbor, Shroomania

The Coilerburg seamen were placed in an ancient and unused barracks while the Shroomanians figured what to do with them. In the meanwhile, their submarine, the Warden, was undergoing 'repairs'. The vessel's long, hard metallic shaft-shaped hull was now under the tender care of Shroomanian hands.

"I won't allow it!" Coiler Captain Corvin Cannula protested. "That is a vessel of the Coilerburg Navy, and as captain of said vessel, I will not allow you to stick yourselves inside it! It's... it's a violation, that's what it is!"

"Oh, don't worry," grumbled Jack Easly, of the Shroomanian Office of Naval Intelligence. "We'll be gentle and we'll be sure to use a lot of lube, I promise."

"Goddamn it!" Captain Cannula shrieked. "Then you'll have to go through me! The Coilerburg Navy shall not suffer another dishonor, lest from you queer Shroomanian gaijin! HAVE AT YOU!"

Jack Easly sighed and placed his arm around Captain Cannula's shoulders.

"Listen, bub." Easly began. "You best not worry about what the Coilerburg Navy's gonna say about letting Shroomanians into your ship, and start worrying about what the Sovereignty's gonna say about what you Coilers are doing in our waters, mang. Not just what they're gonna say, but what they're gonna do. About it. It being, well, this whole thing with you coming in here and sticking your dick into our water."

"It was a -" Captain Cannula started, but Easly hushed him gently.

"Y'all Frequesean fringe world yokels," Easly smiled disarmingly. "Just don't know where your loyalties lie."

"What? Fringe world? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I heard it somewhere and it sounded cool," Easly grinned.

"What?"

"Listen, bub." Easly began. Well, continued. "We've been doing this for years. So, even if we don't know what you're really doing here, we kind of sort of do know what you're doing here. We've been at it for almost half a century, man. Dicking about underwater, with the Crimsons and their own boomer-boners, and the Shady's yellow submarines, and sometimes the Byzantine's boomer-boners too. We've got lots of experience dealing with this kind of stuff, man. So don't, man. Just don't.

"I mean, for years we've danced with those dudes, done the whole Tango de la Muerte with the commies and the Crimsons and the Constantinopolites, and we've come out pretty alright. Now, a whole lot of people might not think much of Shroomanian submarining or, well, pretty much Shroomanian everything, but make no mistake, our dicks are just as big as anyone's. We're just nice enough not to stick it in your ears without good reason to. Because that'd be impolite.

"Anyway, now, with that in mind, you have to remember that recently we lost a goddamn giant supertanker to the Shepistanis back in one of their goddamn wars which we had nothing to do with. That pissed off a whole lot of people, so now our dicks are sore. Oh, and since the Prime Minister's made super-best-friends with the commies and the Crimsons and the Constantinopolites, this means we're watching each other's pretty little backsides now, you see? It's really nice, since the Byzantines have really firm backsides. Rock hard and firm, like their six-pack abs. The Shadows are smaller, but they're soft and supple too. Are you getting what I'm saying?"

Cannula sputtered for an answer, and hastily decided on the best one.

"Yes," he answered.

"Good," Jack smirked. "Now, what this means is that a lot of shit's been stirred. The Shadows are now patrolling the Central Sea with us, for all that's worth. And over at Constantinople, Commodore Cain's gonna be wanting to know what's going on, and our own Commodore Coot's probably gonna oblige. This has all the makings of a shitstorm, you see?"

Cannula sputtered for an answer -

"Yes, you see," Jack answered for him. "Now, this means that this is going to end up in one out of two ways. One, is that the makings of a shitstorm really does make a fully-made shitstorm to storm our made-shit around. Well, not our. Your. You Coilers're the ones who cocked this whole shit up. Personally, I don't blame your government, or your people, or your goddamn continent."

"You don't?" Captain Cannula asked in slight surprise.

"No," Jack nodded. "I blame you."

"But-?!"

"Shhh..." Jack placed his finger on the Coiler Captain's lips, hushing him. "Now, the second way this is gonna go, is gonna be much smoother and softer. But I'll need your help, man. Captain Corvin Cannula, I need your help. Come on Cap. Come on Corv. Can."

"I fail to see what I can do to improve the situation, with my vessel in drydock and my men holed up in a motherfucking meat locker." Captain Cannula answered.

"It's simple," Jack went over to the Coiler's other side, to place his other arm on the man's shoulders. "Just don't clench."

"Don't... clench?"

"Yes. When we go in, don't clench. Just relax. Breathe deeply while we go in. It'll make it smooth, it'll make it soft. We can do this together, and in the end, you might end up enjoying the experience too. Don't resist. Don't make it hard, because you'll make it hard not just on me, but on yourself too. Just don't clench, and it'll be comfortable. We can do this quickly, we can do this cleanly, it'll be easy and gentle for both of us, and we'll come out of it with a better understanding of each other."

Jack removed hos arm from Cannula's shoulders, and went behind him to massage the man's back.

"Come on, Corvin." Jack pleaded with a soft, cooing voice. "Let me do this. Please. I have to, you know that, we have to go through with this now since we're both here, and neither of us are going away until we do our business."

"What happens to my men?" Captain Corvin Cannula asked hesitantly.

"They'll be debriefed," Jack said to his ear. "Then there'll be cocktails. Then you can go home, on your yellow submarine. Back inside your ship, you and your seamen, safe in its long hard metal hull. Plowing through under the waves. After this, you can go back to Coilerburg, you can slide your ship back inside the port and everything'll be fine. We can forget this ever happened. No regrets, Corvin."

"No regrets..." Captain Corvin Cannula muttered.

"Now, let's do this," Jack rubbed the captain's arm. "Corvin?"

The Coiler captain closed his eyes and nodded solemnly. A burly Mushroom Marine went close behind him and escorted him to the submarine Warden, and Jack Easly followed the both of them into the vessel's wide-open hatch hole.


Results:
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
To Commodore Ciaphas Cain

Enclosed in this file are pictures taken of the captured Coilerburg submarine vessel Warden, recently found covertly surveying Shroomanian waters. The vessel physically encountered the Shroomanian submarine Blowhole and both incurred slight damage, but in rapidly changing its course to avoid pursuit, the Warden plowed into an undersea mountain and incurred further damage to its hull. The damage, while not severe, nonetheless required repairs that the Sovereign Navy and its Comberth Harbor facilities were willing and eager to provide.

Here are the files taken of the Warden from its ongoing repairs.

Periscope.*

Decompression chamber.**

Rear torpedo tubes.***

Engine room.

Crew.****

*The Warden's periscope was undamaged, unlike the Blowhole's which was bent and unable to erect itself.
**Many of the Warden's crew were suffering from nitrogen narcosis of the brain.
***The front torpedo tubes were flooded due to the damage incurred from the undersea mountain collision.
****The Coilerburg crew has been debriefed and, with trademark hospitality, offered cocktails.

Imperial Chronicles

(OOC: Zor, I will reply to the King later, but soon enough. The timing for this would be after the meeting after the submarine collision.)

"This is preposterous, " grumbled the Military Exarch Selenov. "What is Coilerburg up to these days? First that ramshackle for a nation gets into a civil war, and then tries to be funny with their neighbours and then goes legitimate. Now, we have a damn ship of theirs colliding with a Shroomanian submarine. What are they damn hell thinking?"

In the room was the Exarch Decius, the Admiral of the Fleet, Admiral Regulus Tiberius and Commodore Ciaphas Cain. They were here to discuss the recent Coilerburg transgression. "They have been ... rather active of late have they not? Seems that they have had a habit of sending their submarines out. Didn't one of our submarines pick then out once?" asked Decius.

"Yes we have. But this has gotten quite blatant. Now a ship of theirs is now resting in Shroomanian dry docks. We should have it stripped clean of anything important and return the submarine back to Coilerburg in pieces. Perhaps Cain here can go liaise with the Shroomanians with several engineers to pick apart the submarine. Decius, perhaps, you could go and knock on the FTO's doors and get them to control Coilerburg and put a leash on them."

"That might be a little difficult, given Coilerburg's history with the FTO itself. But I will try..."

"Please do. Admiral. I want you to also conduct an assessment on our waters and make sure they are not as easily penetrable as Shroomania's. I don't want a damn submarine of theirs at our doorstep!"

"Aye sir."

================

To President Garrett

Congratulations sir on your recent re-election. I look forward to working with you in the future.

Signed, Emperor Heraclius IV

From the Ministry of Shroomanian Homeland Affairs in Foreign Territories
To Whomever It May Concern in Coilerburg

The CBS Warden is a guided cruise missile submarine and its presence in the Sovereignty's territories is an issue many in the Shroomanian government, and military, find very concerning.

Thus, the Ministry of Shroomanian Homeland Affairs in Foreign Territories (SHAFT), on the behalf of the concerned parties, would like to inquire the Coilerburg government, its military - specifically its navy - as to why a Coilerburg guided cruise missile submairne was in Shroomanian waters. Simply put, what the hell was the Warden doing in our water?

Very sincerely,
Minister Melchett McMeistervater
Minister of SHAFT

Conference Set, Public Information Corps HQ Building, Mirakar, Miratia

"Sir, do you have any comment on the Warden Event?"

"The Ward--Oh, God, you can't be serious. Are you illiterate, or something? This press conference is about construction projects in the North, you useless twat. No, I do not have any comment on the Warden Event, save that I won't be talking about it until tomorrow morning. Does anybody else have any questions? No? Good day."

Once he was well out of earshot of the press, the Supreme Leader muttered to one of his advisors, "Fucking Coilerburg. As if it weren't bad enough for them to leave a goddamn missile sub in foreign waters. No, they have to play right into the hands of those giggling Shroomanian retards and give them an excuse to put missile subs in FTO waters." He made a disgusted noise.