Formula Blammo
La Palma Deathring F1 circuit, La Palma, City-state of San Dorado
“Hello, hello and welcome to the La Palma Deathring for today’s F1 race! You’re watching Worldwide One, my name is Ken Gait and here with me today is Jonathan Rustle. Welcome John.”
“Thanks Ken, it’s great to be here today.”
“Indeed it is, because it looks like it’s going to be an excellent race - the monsoon torrents have let up a bit and although the tracks aren’t quite dry yet, for the moment it’s sunny skies all round here in La Palma.”
“Yes Ken, but don’t forget that the qualifiers had to be driven in the pouring rain, and that really shows. Byzantine driver Mikhail Schumacherios, last year’s F1 champion and overall favorite is starting in third place, with pole position going to Donald Wawrzyniak of the FSO Orena team.”
“I guess it rains more often in PeZookia than it does in Byzantium! Let’s have a look at the starting line- what can you tell me John?”
“As you can see FSO has the pole, a Legion Motors car in second position there, that would be Zoria’s finest, Takeo Tanimizu… Third and fourth place are for Ferraroi, then comes the next FSO car, and the first Universal Motors car sits at sixth place-”
“That’s the best qualifier for Universal Motors ever, isn’t it?”
“Well yes Ken, but then again as a former Destruction Derby driver Lance Adrians is no stranger to the Deathring!”
“Indeed he is not! Well, it looks like the referee is just about ready to give the starting signal… Yes, here we go… And they’re off! That’s a frighteningly quick start there by Schumacherios, who’s passed Tanimizu already in the first few seconds and is now in second place!”
“Yeah, it sure looks like Ferraroi are trying to get some payback in for those sloppy qualifiers.”
“Into the first corner now… Wow, what’s happening there?”
“A Shadow Autowerks car has lost control and is spinning across the track! Looks like Anatoly Barsov was trying for a run around Lewis Button but the UM driver wouldn’t have any of that!”
“Yeah, Barsov’s on the grass… It looks like he’ll be able to rejoin the race but that sure lost him a lot of time!”
“He’s in last place now!”
“Alright folks, we’ll be back with more live coverage of today’s F1 race, after these commercial messages!”
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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“Welcome back to La Palma ladies and gentlemen, where the second Byzantine driver Graigos Stevapapoulos has just overtaken Zoria’s Takeo Tanimizu…”
“But the Zorian’s right on the Stevapapoulos’ tail. And I mean
right on his tail- that man’s literally inches away from his opponent’s rear bumper.”
“Think there’s more than a friendly rivalry going on there?”
“With Zorians there always is…”
“Into hammerhead now, this is always a tricky corner because it looks so deceptively easy to round… Oh yeah, and here we go!”
“John, I have no idea what’s happening there…”
“It looks like one of the CSR’s ZiL-drivers made a mistake there and now half the race is in disarray, I see cars careening off the track, there’s somebody driving
backwards there…”
“Will you look at that! Holy Moly that was close!”
“Yeah the PeZookian driver just slid past Takuma Sato but that doesn’t leave the Zorian car a whole lot of space there-”
“Whoa crap, that’s gotta hurt!”
“Yeah John, that’s what I call a
crash- the second Zorian car is completely totaled, just like the ZiL it slammed into…”
“And are my eyes deceiving me or was that Wilkonian car
airborne for a while?”
“He sure was John, but amazingly enough Miguel Costilla’s Mastretta is still going!”
“Hot damn they build some sturdy cars in Messica!”
“It sure would appear so… Right, Worldwide One will be back, after these messages!”
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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“Welcome back folks, we’re now a fair bit into the race and Rick Schlong is preparing to exit the pit straight, the Shroomanian was experiencing some mechanical difficulties, he’s now nearly a full round behind the lead car but his pink Mercedes Schromz should be okay now… Hold a second…”
“…I don’t think Schlong sees those cars approaching Ken…”
“Sweet Lady Fortune, that Byzantine car just slammed
straight through Schlong’s car!”
“His car was in the air for
seconds…”
“Well that’s it for Schlong, but hold on, that Byzantine car doesn’t look like it’s doing well either.”
“No, that sure means a pitstop for Stevapapoulos if he can make another round, but-”
“Let me interrupt you for a moment there Ken, because it looks like- yeah, I think Mastretta is about to try something. They’ve been holding back so far…”
“But you can never trust those Wilkonian fellows to stay back, can you John?”
“No, they sure are shifty, and they’re definitely making a move, they’re onto the straight and here they go!”
“They’re opening up with all they’ve got! They’re already past Pirogov’s Shadow Motorwerks car and now they’re attempting to pass that CSR ZiL ZIS-1112... But shit, what’s that commie bastard doing? Get out of the way you-”
“Uh, that’s one Mastretta car out of action.”
“But hold on, here comes Button and I don’t think he’s seen the wrecka-”
“That means one Universal Motors car is out of the race! This is hectic!”
“It sure is! I did a quick count and of the 22 cars that started only 12 are left now.”
“And the only teams with all cars left on the track so far are Ferrarios and FSO Orena… You gotta hand it to those socialists, the PeZookians are driving by the seat of their pants today!”
“They’re holding up excellently against the Byzantine onslaught.”
“We’ll see if they can keep it up… Right after these messages!”
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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“And welcome back to La Palma people, where the F1 is still going on… It looks like the good weather has passed, doesn’t it John?”
“Yes Ken, dark clouds are packing above the track and it’s slowly starting to drizzle again… That could be dangerous because few of these drivers have wet weather tires mounted.”
“But both FSO Orena drivers just came out of the pits and I doubt they’ll want to go back in again.”
“Yeah they wasted some time there, this could be to the advantage of Ferrarios.”
“So it’s one and two to Ferrarios right now, in third is Zoria’s Tanimizu who’s miraculously survived every catastrophe so far, then comes Lance Adrians of San Dorado, Miguel Costilla in the last surviving Mastretta, Dick Perkins in the Mercedes Schromz and the two PeZookian cars…”
“Perkins is making a move!”
“It looks like he is! And he is just rocketing past the Wilkonian car, I can’t believe how fast he’s accelerating… Wait, are those flames coming out his tailpipe?”
“I think so…”
“Anyway he’s just rocketing- and I mean
rocketing… Did Perkins change his tires?”
“I don’t think he did-”
“He’s alongside Tanimizu and Stevapapoulos now! Here comes the left-hand turn, Perkins has the inside but he will have to brake… He will have to break…
Holy shit he isn’t braking!”
“That car just ain’t responding! That Shroomanian is out of control! And at those speeds I don’t think the others can react-”
“Holy shit! Cars are crashing into the fences, cars are flying, cars are slamming into each other! I’ve never seen anything like this ladies and gentlemen- it is mayhem, absolute
mayhem down here on the Deathring! It’s difficult to see in the rain but at least five drivers are out… No, six…”
“Schumacherios is
out! Tanimizu is
out! Adrians is
out! Stevapapoulos is
out!”
“It’s a complete wipe-out of
all the lead cars! What a mess! It’s just total devastation!”
“Only five cars are left… Only a CSR ZiL, Pirogov in the Shadow Autowerks, the two PeZookians and a lone Wilkonian car remain on the track!”
“But correct me if I’m wrong John but doesn’t the devastation of more than three quarters of the cars mean that the race is stopped?”
“It sure does Ken, and that means that although this might be a symbolic victory for the teams from the Old Continent, today’s La Palma race will
not have a winner, a first in Formula One history… Yes, here comes the safety car… It’s a clear shut case, this race is over!”
“But what a spectacle it was! What a scene! So folks, there you have it: total ruination today down here on the Deathring, the greatest chaos I’ve ever seen in Formula One. And as the rain pours down here on the wrecks of totaled cars we are signing off… Live from La Palma we were Ken Glait and Jonathan Rustle for Worldwide Motorsports. Join us again in two weeks for another race!”
Results: Formula One in San Dorado ends in utter carnage; the Deathring lives up to its name!
