StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Fuck, I've been here since 2004 under a few names. Lurking, posting, just knowing this place exists helps me so much. I wouldn't share if I didn't care about all of you.
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Hey all. This is another sad one so if you need to sit it out.

TLDR; I don’t know how to stop the death spiral I’m in and need serious help.

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This might be read by people who don’t know me well, so let’s start with some backstory.

I’m turning 31 this April, don’t drive, am unemployed, and have no education past grade 12 completed. I’m not currently getting any benefits (welfare, food stamps, the bare basics of the Canadian social safety net) but am applying for them where I know how to do so. I tried college on completely free government money and managed to stumble through part of a first-year computer science course. I’m not an idiot or lazy but most jobs do nothing for me, I’m not helping anybody grow or prosper so I check out.

As things stand today I’m ~$1,600 in debt from back rent, probably $1,800 down on my share of the internet, and have many other small debts unpaid. I can’t get any lines of credit aside from payday loans and the last one I took (for $200) is currently outstanding and has $255 owing). The last new clothing I bought cost less than $100 and was for a job. I have no bed, no chair, no desk, no dresser, and haven’t had a reliably working phone of my own in years.

Most of what I own now is from around 2015 if not older. I gave away 99% of what I owned in 2016 when I moved to Vancouver. I was so low and felt so out of options I couldn’t see any way of keeping it. So I let it go and thought to move on.

My thoughts have tended to be if I have to get rid of something anyway try to get it to do the most good. So thousands of dollars of support vanished in a puff. I didn’t regret it at all after doing it, to those that know the signs this is something deeply suicidal people do.

I wouldn’t still be here if not for what I owe to friends and family already. I want to take in all the suffering I can to myself and keep it. It rages in me, explodes at random, and burns so many bridges.

I wish I could cry typing this but I can’t.

I could give a long account of my history, and explain how I got here. If I need to you can rest assured that it’ll get done. No use in having pride this close to the edge.

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Thanks for those who read this. Those that wanted to and couldn’t for their own sake. Even to those that don’t read it but leave a like or whatever.

I’m sorry I cost so much to keep.

-Jason Dyson

I'm crashing now so I need to tell people not to worry when I go dark

DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH OR PERMANENT!

Look, send me a PM, or hit me up on FB (you can find me by my real name, Esko Halttunen), easier to chat there.

For God's sake, don't make this your suicide note. I've come to recognize your contributions as intelligent and a general indicator of whether or not a thread is doing well, and if for no other reason, keep going so that I don't lose that flag. I don't have any other presence online to offer you, so by God I hope this is enough. I can only echo Edi, don't do anything permanent, with my bit said.

In the ER now. They think financial stress plus a wicked fever and cough likely triggered a cycle of panic attacks, they're setting me up with a program for free mental health meds due to my income. I'm mainly here for the fever now, feeling much happier after some caring medical attention.

I'm just hoping they can pin down the cause of this 39.4 degree fever, dry hacking cough, and nausea now.

Thanks for the middle of my night support. But as long as I can get my mental health sorted the finances will come. The book of Jub will hopefully have many more and happier chapters.

Stay safe. I wish you well. Poverty can be soul-crushing.

Getting out of a shit situation is always easier said than done, so no need to elaborate on the different whys and hows. I hope soon you will find the bad times a thing of the past.

I am glad that you have got some help Jub. First thing is to get your health in order, then work on finances.

Yeah, I'm trying to get an advocate and social worker to help me access deeper layers of aid than I could reach alone. Even in Canada they don't exactly like to give you disability without a fight but for now getting my mental health meds for free (cost has been the main thing keeping me from using them) and getting some free conselling will be a good start.

Posting from my phone, so short, but are you aware that BC has a helpful website listing all the assistance programs it knows about? Probably the social worker you mentioned will be a better resource, but more information's always better.

https://m.bc211.ca

No, I had no idea that site existed. Thanks for sharing!

Jub, be careful, okay? I know what it's like to be on the wire's edge financially, and all the stress that comes with it. I'm just glad you live in a place that has more accessible social safety nets than I do.

Can we get this thread moved to happy haven? Keep various personal names off the search engines.

Jub. Im glad you got through that low mood high fever combo. Want to talk us through a typical day for you now?

I'm still pretty sick, not full on flu but post nasal drip so bad I've been chaining that much-vaunted coughing into vomiting combo, so mostly I've been resting since getting home from the hospital.

If you mean, what is my baseline, it's me at home alone, browsing the web. I go out to play MtG and boardgames most Saturdays. I'd go out more but when I'm working my anxiety has me so drained I don't have the energy and when I'm unemployed I'm broke enough that getting something like a coffee or a soft drink while out and about strains my budget. I should probably get a pass to a rec center and swim, or hit the gym, take a class, just to get out more but all that tends to feel so far away.

Update!

Talked to a psychiatrist today. They think that my depression and anxiety are symptoms of how life has gone for me. I didn't exactly have a stable home life and the positive things I did have mostly went out the window when family shit really hit the fan. Foster care, bullying in school, and other fluke events didn't help any either.

They don't think I need any cognitive behavioral therapy or meds but want to refer me to an occupational therapist. They think getting me into meaningful work and fixing my financial situation will help me to move forward and that until that's set it would be difficult to diagnose any underlying issues.

There was a term she used for my condition, but I can't recall it at the moment. Something about not forming a healthy self-image at a young age and that carrying into my adult life and manifesting as depression and anxiety that may not be inherent to me and my baseline mental health.

That all makes sense.

A life time of uncertainty has trained bits of your brain to weigh the immediate future much more highly then delayed payoffs.

Theres things that can help, but im inclined to agree that getting paid to leave the house and getting the financial pressure lifted mught help.

Jub wrote: ↑2019-01-30 02:43am I should probably get a pass to a rec center and swim, or hit the gym, take a class,

Either of them are actually a good idea from a general health, mental healt and social health perspective.

1. Working out is good for you (- who would have thought). So is learning something.
2. Doing something for yourself, especially working out is good for your mental health, as it is a good way to deal with pent up stress.
3. Doing either of them will make you interact with people, and over time build friendships, even if you don't actively try to. After a certain time, regulars to a certain activity do start talking to each other.

Out of all of them, gym/rec center also are moderately cheap.

Jub wrote: ↑2019-02-06 05:56pmTalked to a psychiatrist today.

Yay! I'm glad you got some help.

They think that my depression and anxiety are symptoms of how life has gone for me. I didn't exactly have a stable home life and the positive things I did have mostly went out the window when family shit really hit the fan. Foster care, bullying in school, and other fluke events didn't help any either.

They don't think I need any cognitive behavioral therapy or meds but want to refer me to an occupational therapist. They think getting me into meaningful work and fixing my financial situation will help me to move forward and that until that's set it would be difficult to diagnose any underlying issues.

There was a term she used for my condition, but I can't recall it at the moment. Something about not forming a healthy self-image at a young age and that carrying into my adult life and manifesting as depression and anxiety that may not be inherent to me and my baseline mental health.

Was the term "situational depression"? Or "adjustment disorder with depressed mood'?

That sort of depression comes from or is strongly affected by your environment - hence the focus on meaningful work, resolving financial problems, and other environmental fixes. It's not your brain chemistry that's out of whack so much as your situation.

Sounds like they're actually looking for root causes and addressing them rather than just handing out drugs - which is a good thing.

Anyhow - best of luck, I hope things improve for you relatively soon.

LaCroix wrote: ↑2019-02-07 07:56amEither of them are actually a good idea from a general health, mental healt and social health perspective.

1. Working out is good for you (- who would have thought). So is learning something.
2. Doing something for yourself, especially working out is good for your mental health, as it is a good way to deal with pent up stress.
3. Doing either of them will make you interact with people, and over time build friendships, even if you don't actively try to. After a certain time, regulars to a certain activity do start talking to each other.

Out of all of them, gym/rec center also are moderately cheap.

Yeah, I just need to not be living on $710/month with a rent of $550/month to make that happen. When I work I rarely have the spare energy or desire to do anything before or after work. I need a little help overcoming those barriers which an occupational therapist should help with.

Broomstick wrote: ↑2019-02-07 02:44pmWas the term "situational depression"? Or "adjustment disorder with depressed mood'?

I'm like 90% sure that later was the exact term used. I went to look it up because I like knowing specific terms but when I looked at things attachment disorder had recency to it that I wasn't sure applied to me.

Sounds like they're actually looking for root causes and addressing them rather than just handing out drugs - which is a good thing.

Anyhow - best of luck, I hope things improve for you relatively soon.

Yeah, mental health services in Vancouver aren't perfect but they've done a lot of good work moving things in the right direction. Maybe one day we'll even get to free one on one sessions for people that aren't in the direst of situations. As it stands it's miles better than I expected it to be.

Good news!

I just got an email today asking if I was free to see an occupational therapist tomorrow at 3pm. I very much so am, and I'm looking forward to starting down that path and figuring out what comes next for me.

Keep going. I think you've accomplished something pretty great here. I mean that because what you described in the OP is powerful and takes a lot of strength to come back from. So, keep it up.

So another update.

I've had two sessions with an occupational therapist, we've spitballed some good ideas and I'm going back to school taking a pair of free courses to basically help me explore career options and refresh my job hunting skills. This also comes with a few months of free transit passes which is helpful even if the courses are complete junk.

Beyond that, I'm then planning to take those courses and go with a government partnered agency that might be able to offer actions to go alongside the knowledge gained from the free courses. This could include funding for retraining but that's limited and not something I'll count on.

I'm still looking for a temporary job to get off income assistance which pays a pittance of $710/month when my rent alone is $550/month. Even working part-time at 24 hours per week would be enough of an increase to start paying for things like rec center passes. Hopefully, that can all snowball together into actual positive changes.

As for what's wrong with me they're saying adjustment disorder with mood and anxiety issues they're trying to rule out any underlying depression and anxiety separate from the adjustment disorder but that's hard until my living circumstances change.

All sounds promising

Just an update.

I'm working with a Vocational Services team that specializes in helping people with mental health issues to find a career that suits my needs. I'm also supplementing that with a subsidized career exploration course at a local community college. These should help me plan my next course of action on the career front though I'm currently leaning towards getting in shape enough to meet basic Canadian Forces fitness standards and trying for a military career. It's something I regret not doing out of high school as I had planned to do.

Beyond that, I'm also working towards a Persons with Disability assessment to get extra funding in case my attempts at joining the workforce in a stable manor fall through. While this could make the military application more difficult my understanding is that my mental health condition is treatable with a good chance for full remission with the correct changes in lifestyle and self-view. As such I doubt such an assessment would disqualify me from military service even if it may require deeper assessment. In any case, I'll speak with a recruiter before filling any PWD paperwork.

Just another update on this. I've started the PWD process, I need to call my old family doctor half a province away to see if he'll fill out my paperwork without my being there but I think he'd be willing to help me with this.

I've also started working out again. I'm 5'11" and weigh around 289 lb. right now. I've started a pretty basic home calisthenics program that's low impact but gets me sweating. I'll do that in full every second day with the five-minute warm-up portion run on the off days to keep the habit going. My weekly rest day will likely involve a bit of time in the local pool to get a bit of work on regions I may otherwise miss and because I just enjoy swimming.

I'm doing fine these days. COVID hasn't done much to help with my physical or mental health but I've been working the same job for over a year now and money hasn't been a serious stressor even if I'm still mostly paycheque to paycheque. I'm stable and hoping that I'll find some room for advancement as the government aims to stimulate job creation in a post COVID economy.