StarDestroyer.Net BBS

ME: Hey, are you super busy right now?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Kinda. Why?

ME: I have a customer who needs your expertise.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: What's he looking for?

ME: He's kind of new to using caulk, and he wants a caulk expert to tell him all about what to do with caulk. I heard you're the best in the department.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: I know my way around some caulk.

ME: So you'll show him what to do with his caulk? He has a big one in his hands, and no idea how to use it.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Story of my fucking life.

Raw Shark wrote: ↑2021-11-14 09:05pm ...
caulk
...

Was it Schaeffers Big Black Caulk??

The_Saint wrote: ↑2021-11-28 01:50am Was it Schaeffers Big Black Caulk??

Yeah, we totally carry that.

The_Saint wrote: ↑2021-11-28 01:50am

Raw Shark wrote: ↑2021-11-14 09:05pm ...
caulk
...

Was it Schaeffers Big Black Caulk??

My wife showed me that when we first got together. Bloody Kiwis and their decks.

[SLOW DAY AT THE HARDWARE STORE]:

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hey, Shark?

ME: Yeah, TNMD?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

ME: I thought they were the-

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: I've never paid a hundred bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face before!

EAVESDROPPIN' OLD LADY: Oh, my! Is that a skin treatment?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Um. It totally is. That's why I only look 21. I'd wash my face with chick pea every day if I could afford it. I'd even-

ME: We don't sell that here, ma'am. I think they have it in the Beyond section of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond across the way.

EAVESDROPPIN' OLD LADY: I'll have to ask them about it!

I now work as a taxi driver.

Slightly Drunk Pretty Blonde Passenger: Uhh, driver? My face is mostly made of plastic, could you turn the heating down before it melts?

Darth Nostril wrote: ↑2022-05-05 06:56pm I now work as a taxi driver.

I formally pass the taxi torch* to you, Young One. Make me proud.

* Like a tiki torch, only awesomer.

Raw Shark wrote: ↑2022-05-07 08:49pm

Darth Nostril wrote: ↑2022-05-05 06:56pm I now work as a taxi driver.

I formally pass the taxi torch* to you, Young One. Make me proud.

* Like a tiki torch, only awesomer.

Everything taxi drivers do is awesomer, because it's taxi drivers doing it.





A: "One one to control, in case anyone phones in and asks, I've got their knickers and stockings on the back seat."

Operator: "I beg your pardon!?"

S: "You dirty old man"

A: "One one, control, nothing to do with me, I swear, they were just left there"

Me: "Zero four to one one, can't let you out of my sight for five bloody minutes can I? Now some poor girl's getting frostbitten .."

Operator: "Do not finish that sentence"

A&S: laughter


Out of context theatre

Boss: Matt, just how the actual fuck did you manage to split the bumper in half!?!?

Yours truly: I was thirsty.

It's the evening shift, and suddenly I'm the Senior Reservation Clerk -- er, Adventure Specialist, and the other 3 are new hires just graduating High School this WEEK.

Me: Ok, it's 8:59, time to shut down.
Lilith (yes, her real name, and she has black hair with purple highlights): Ok, I'll turn on the (overnight call forwarding) phone!
Me: Good, I've got the porch lights and the window blinds.
Lilith: OH! A new chat just popped up in queue!
Me: Leave it.
Her: But, he's in line...
Me: Leave it. We're closing.
Her: But...
Me: Look, we're not getting paid overtime to stay for a last minute chat. Like Cedar Lakes, Like Disney, Seasonal Employees do not get Paid Overtime.
Lilith: .... Oh. I didn't know that.

She shuts down her computer, we shut off the lights and we leave, clocking out at 9:05p.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: [something]

MAGA HAT: What!? Didn't you ever have a husband, or a boyfriend, or a father who'd knock some sense into you!?

ME: The fuck you just say to her? Let me turn your question into a question. Did you ever have a husband, or a boyfriend, or a father who'd knock some sense into you? I'll be your boyfriend, just for tonight.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Matty. I got this.

MAGA HAT: You do not-

ME: Hell no. You need to step back, son.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: [on the mic] Freight Team, to the front, please. Loading Team, to the front, please. Bruce from Plumbing, to the front, please.

MAGA HAT: Oh, you're calling every big guy in the building to kick my ass?

ME: Gotta few seconds before they get here, motherfucker. Wanna show me what you got?

Finish the Story Shark!
How fast did MagaHat back down?

I do QA at work, so I go around inspecting assembly areas.

ME, inspecting a co-workers work.

Mullet Man [pretending to be a dude-bro tough guy]: YO <ME>! You're in the wrong block bro! You're in the wrong block!

ME, quickly retorting: Of course I don't belong there. I don't belong in Sesame Street.

Mullet Man: Good one.

LadyTevar wrote: ↑2022-07-17 01:15pm Finish the Story Shark!
How fast did MagaHat back down?

Missed this one, sorry. Maga Hat ran with his tail between his legs as soon as he saw Jeremy (HUGE guy) and Bruce (former USMC Grunt) with violence in their eyes. I may not look like much, but those guys do.

My workplace is actually kind of fun sometimes (I can't take credit for this, I was quoting the fucking psychopath known as Yolandi Visser, not freestyling):

ME, IN A RAP BATTLE WITH THE PAINT DEPARTMENT: There's a rumble in the jungle and I'm bubblin' to the beat! I'm not lookin' for trouble but trouble's lookin' for me! My pocket's fuckin' swollen but nuthin' comin' in for free, I used to beg borrow or steal just to hustle sumthin' to eat!

CONTRACTORS AND ONE HILARIOUS OLD LADY: [clapping and cheering]

Raw Shark wrote: ↑2022-07-16 08:18pmME: Gotta few seconds before they get here, motherfucker. Wanna show me what you got?

Note: This was a calculated move on my part. I knew that. He was being very aggressive, and I wanted his attention focused on me, not her. I've got broad shoulders. She weighs 100# and I felt very affectionate toward her mother, once (a long time ago), and besides I just like the kid and even if I didn't she's just a kid. You're damn right I'd take a beating for her.

ME: Hey, bud? Do you know where we sell axes?

MOTHERFUCKA: No..?

ME: Well, it's Aisle 49. I'm going to go over there right now and get one, and when I come back, you'd best be somewhere else.

(Jesus Christ, this job. This is a totally separate incident)

BOSS: [Shark?] Would you come to my office, please?

ME: Sure, [Boss].

BOSS: I want to tell you, in advance: This is not a conversation I want to have.

ME: I feel something awkward approaching.

BOSS: Look, I like hip-hop as much as the next 40-something white person but you can't actually shout, "Murder murder murder, kill kill kill!" in the parking lot on your smoke break. A customer got very alarmed.

ME: Yeah, I get that.

PLUMBING GUY: Y'know, Technically Not Your Daughter is pretty boss.

ME: Yeah, she's stronger than she looks. About 100# of muscle and anger.

PLUMBING GUY: Are you sure she's not your daughter?

ME: The timing's off by a bit, but her mom's great.

PLUMBING GUY: I'll miss her on the team.

ME: Not as much as I will.

TEAMMATE: Hey yo, Matty. [Lumber guy] is hard wasted and we need you to beat the living shit out of this guy.

ME: [sighs] I don't want to.

TEAMMATE: So what, then? We just tell him to leave?

ME: Well, yeah he should do that. Or else Bruce Banner gonna come.

[This ended in a conversation that I would not consider my most civil, but the person in question did leave the facility at my enthusiastic urging]

NEW GUY: Hi, my name is [name].

ME: The fuck is your problem?

NEW GUY: I- I don't-

ME: I am totally fuckin' with you. What are you, Italian?

NEW GUY: How did you know?

ME: [smile] can smell it on you, Fuckin' Dago.We know our own. Let's go.

[Note: This is the whitest kid:. Going to business school. Just needed to be reminded momentarily.]

I'M BACK, BABY!!!

Grill in the front is my sinister grin.
Bugs in my teeth make me sick, sick, sick.
The objects may. Be larger than. They appear in the mirror...
MY ARMS ARE WHEELS! MY LEGS ARE WHEELS! MY BLOOD IS PAVEMENT!

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioORbtVem8o[/youtube]

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: I'm going to miss you.

ME: I'll miss you, too. Say hi to your Mom for me.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Can you please stop reminding me about that?

ME: What? We were kids your age. You don't do that stuff?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Of course I do, but it's my mom!

ME: Your mom is a person with feelings, y'know.

ME: [roaring drunk] Well, they encourage your complete cooperation! Give you roses when they they think you need a smile.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: I can't control myself because I don't know how. But they love me for it honestly, I'll be here for a while!

BOTH: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff. Give them all that they can drink and it'll never be enough. Give them blood, blood, bloooood..raise your glass 'cause there's about to be a flood.

REST OF THE COMPANY: [Either bemused or horrified.]