Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off.
MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Moderator: Edi
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off. I am officially adulting.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off. #adulting.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Double.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
MAGA CO-WORKER: That... Whatever says there's no TP in the women's room.
ME: You wanna get it, or shall I?
MAGA CO-WORKER: How does that thing have any right to-
ME: Whoa? I though you loved America? You have a red, white, and blue eagle tattoo...
MAGA CO-WORKER: So? [paraphrase] It's confusing for me!
ME: This is America. The land of the free. Can't that customer dress how they want here and poop in a toilet?
MAGA CO-WORKER: Yeah, but... [walks away, head down]
ME: [silently takes what tiny win he can with those shitheels]
ME: You wanna get it, or shall I?
MAGA CO-WORKER: How does that thing have any right to-
ME: Whoa? I though you loved America? You have a red, white, and blue eagle tattoo...
MAGA CO-WORKER: So? [paraphrase] It's confusing for me!
ME: This is America. The land of the free. Can't that customer dress how they want here and poop in a toilet?
MAGA CO-WORKER: Yeah, but... [walks away, head down]
ME: [silently takes what tiny win he can with those shitheels]
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
ME: Bro. You are faded.
CO-WORKER: I'm always faded.
ME: Son. I am nobody's example. But you are going to get your ass shit-canned if you come around here wasted. Do you have a library card?
CO-WORKER: A What?
ME: [facepalm] Little dude. GO FIND SOMETHING FREE TO DO WHEN YOU'RE OFF WORK. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FIRED. I AM NOT GOING TO RAT YOU OUT, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE WASTED.
CO-WORKER: Geez, you don't have to be an asshole...
CO-WORKER: I'm always faded.
ME: Son. I am nobody's example. But you are going to get your ass shit-canned if you come around here wasted. Do you have a library card?
CO-WORKER: A What?
ME: [facepalm] Little dude. GO FIND SOMETHING FREE TO DO WHEN YOU'RE OFF WORK. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FIRED. I AM NOT GOING TO RAT YOU OUT, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE WASTED.
CO-WORKER: Geez, you don't have to be an asshole...
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!
ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath]
ME: Fuck, that was a workout.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!
BOTH: [sideways high-five]
ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?
ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath]
ME: Fuck, that was a workout.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!
BOTH: [sideways high-five]
ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!
ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]
ME: Fuck, that was a workout.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!
BOTH: [sideways high-five]
ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?
ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]
ME: Fuck, that was a workout.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!
BOTH: [sideways high-five]
ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: [puts the boot in] So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!
ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]
ME: Fuck, that was a workout.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!
BOTH: [sideways high-five]
ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?
ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]
ME: Fuck, that was a workout.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!
BOTH: [sideways high-five]
ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
* I'm not exactly recommending this, but you wanna get in some high-stakes life-affirming action, you could do worse than walking around a bad neighborhood with a pretty girl at night.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
BATTY OLD LADY: You stole my phone!
ME: Ma'am, I do not have your phone.
BATTY OLD LADY: Well, I put it down right here and it's gone. You have my phone!
ME: Ma'am, I do not have your phone.
BATTY OLD LADY: It's locked! You can't use it!
ME: Ma'am. I do not have your phone.
BATTY OLD LADY: I'll call the police!
ME: Ma'am. I. Do. Not. Have. Your. Phone. If you adjust your attitude I'd be happy to call it.
BATTY OLD LADY: I'm not giving you my phone number!
ME: Okay then.
BATTY OLD LADY: So you won't help me!?
ME: I told you my conditions.
BATTY OLD LADY: [comes backs 30 minutes later] Would you call my phone please?
ME: Yes.
[phone rings in her purse]
BATTY OLD LADY: Thank god! I thought one of you people took it!
BLACK CO-WORKER AND I SIMULTANEOUSLY: "You people?"
BATTY OLD LADY: [just leaves]
ME: Ma'am, I do not have your phone.
BATTY OLD LADY: Well, I put it down right here and it's gone. You have my phone!
ME: Ma'am, I do not have your phone.
BATTY OLD LADY: It's locked! You can't use it!
ME: Ma'am. I do not have your phone.
BATTY OLD LADY: I'll call the police!
ME: Ma'am. I. Do. Not. Have. Your. Phone. If you adjust your attitude I'd be happy to call it.
BATTY OLD LADY: I'm not giving you my phone number!
ME: Okay then.
BATTY OLD LADY: So you won't help me!?
ME: I told you my conditions.
BATTY OLD LADY: [comes backs 30 minutes later] Would you call my phone please?
ME: Yes.
[phone rings in her purse]
BATTY OLD LADY: Thank god! I thought one of you people took it!
BLACK CO-WORKER AND I SIMULTANEOUSLY: "You people?"
BATTY OLD LADY: [just leaves]
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
BLACK CO-WORKER: Man, sometimes I feel like people judge me because I'm black.
ME: That last banging hottie was totally flirting with you. What's really bothering you, man?
BLACK CO-WORKER: I think my girlfriend's cheating on me.
ME: Well, what makes you think that?
BLACK CO-WORKER: [paraphrase] She's been talking to this tall guy with a really well-groomed afro.
ME: Are you sure this is a black problem and not a black enough problem? Cause it kinda sounds like a black enough problem.
BLACK CO-WORKER: Is that a thing?
ME: All things are a thing, in relationships. Everybody is somebody's fetish. You've got this wild lion king shit happening that defies control.
BLACK CO-WORKER: [paraphrase] That actually makes me feel better.
ME: I got you, bud.
ME: That last banging hottie was totally flirting with you. What's really bothering you, man?
BLACK CO-WORKER: I think my girlfriend's cheating on me.
ME: Well, what makes you think that?
BLACK CO-WORKER: [paraphrase] She's been talking to this tall guy with a really well-groomed afro.
ME: Are you sure this is a black problem and not a black enough problem? Cause it kinda sounds like a black enough problem.
BLACK CO-WORKER: Is that a thing?
ME: All things are a thing, in relationships. Everybody is somebody's fetish. You've got this wild lion king shit happening that defies control.
BLACK CO-WORKER: [paraphrase] That actually makes me feel better.
ME: I got you, bud.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
MAGA CO-WORKER: [Shark], can you get this for me please?
ME: No worries.
MAGA CO-WORKER: You just grabbed that with your left hand like it was nothing... are you a lefty?
ME: Ignoring the obvious joke here, no, my right hand is dominant.
MAGA CO-WORKER: ...I thought you were going to say it's too heavy.
ME: Have I mentioned that I worked at [large hardware chain] before here, where I had to throw around 80# cement bags? I know I don't look like much, but I'm strong as fuck.
MAGA CO-WORKER: [gives me that look] Noted!
ME: ...oO(Oh, shit)
ME: No worries.
MAGA CO-WORKER: You just grabbed that with your left hand like it was nothing... are you a lefty?
ME: Ignoring the obvious joke here, no, my right hand is dominant.
MAGA CO-WORKER: ...I thought you were going to say it's too heavy.
ME: Have I mentioned that I worked at [large hardware chain] before here, where I had to throw around 80# cement bags? I know I don't look like much, but I'm strong as fuck.
MAGA CO-WORKER: [gives me that look] Noted!
ME: ...oO(Oh, shit)
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Double.
Last edited by Raw Shark on 2024-09-26 10:06am, edited 1 time in total.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
MAGA CO-WORKER: I deal with this guy every day! Why can't they just speak English?
ME: Speaking a second language is hard, man. I suck at mine.
MAGA CO-WORKER: Wait, you speak Spanish?
ME: Badly.
MAGA CO-WORKER: [whole discussion about cultural identity ensues]
ME: [do not sleep with this girl. Okay, we found a little common ground but It's a mistake. Don't do it, Matty]
ME: Speaking a second language is hard, man. I suck at mine.
MAGA CO-WORKER: Wait, you speak Spanish?
ME: Badly.
MAGA CO-WORKER: [whole discussion about cultural identity ensues]
ME: [do not sleep with this girl. Okay, we found a little common ground but It's a mistake. Don't do it, Matty]
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
CO-WORKER: You don't like Trump.
ME: I don't.
CO-WORKER: Well, I do.
ME: That's fine. We're both Americans. We can cancel each other out at the ballot. That's Democracy.
CO-WORKER: You know, you're right. I never looked at it like that.
ME: I know.
ME: I don't.
CO-WORKER: Well, I do.
ME: That's fine. We're both Americans. We can cancel each other out at the ballot. That's Democracy.
CO-WORKER: You know, you're right. I never looked at it like that.
ME: I know.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker