Has anyone ever compiled a list of the things the average Internet drone likes to do? I'm talking about the morons you see leaving comments on news websites. They are so incredibly generic, you can't tell one from the other. Off-hand, I can think of a few rules:
How to be a Mindless Internet Drone
Give yourself a self-congratulatory name, like "Truth seeker" or "Common sense man" or "Proud Texan". You take pride in who you are, and you want the world to know it!
When confronted with scientific arguments you don't understand, always ignore the actual scientific argument itself. Instead, attack the motivations, conduct, language, popularity, or personality of the person who says it, or anyone who might agree with that person. Important tip: all scientific global warming arguments can be dismissed by attacking Al Gore.
When confronted with criticism of a group you identify with, point out that nobody's perfect, and accuse your critics of ignoring other groups which are equally deserving of criticism. Ask pointedly why they criticize your group and not the other. Remember: no matter what your group has done, there's probably someone else in the world who's done worse. If necessary, compare yourselves favourably to Al-Qaeda or the Nazis. For example, if attacked for supporting torture, just say "that's not real torture, like what the Nazis did".
When asked to support a claim, use Google to search through various sources until you find one that supports you. Do not worry if the source is a mere blog, or appears to be politically motivated. If you look for evidence against global warming and you find it on a site whose domain name is globalwarmingisahoax.com, just go ahead and use it. Why would you doubt the integrity of such a source? Avoid sources which are difficult to read and which don't give you convenient and simple talking points.
Attack "mainstream science" at every opportunity. Those scientists are clearly a bunch of elitists, with their fancy "educations" and "degrees" and "relevant knowledge" and "skills", especially when they say something you don't like. Mind you, if any particular scientist says something you do like, then you can quote that endlessly (even if it's grossly out of context) and hold him up as a hero. If fellow scientists discipline him for incompetence or unethical conduct, this only proves he is being "persecuted" by a "conspiracy". You know, the same way you would trust a medical doctor more if he lost his license.
Use the phrase "common sense" in order to justify any argument you can't justify with logic.
Use the word "traditional" to justify any principle, behaviour, or value that you can't justify any other way.
If in doubt, talk about the Founding Fathers (for US residents only).
Brag that you only listen to FOXNews and talk radio, and ignore everything else. You're not self-aware enough to realize that this makes you look like an idiot, and it will make you feel proud that you have standards.
Accuse others of being close-minded for criticizing your close-mindedness. Accuse others of being intolerant for criticizing your intolerance. Accuse others of racism for criticizing your racism. Accuse others of attacking your rights if they criticize your attempt to take away other peoples' rights. In general, any time someone criticizes you for something, accuse him of doing the exact same thing by daring to criticize you.
Quotes from famous people are often used by those fancy-shmancy elitist intellectuals to punctuate an argument. You can go one better, and use a famous quote as proof of an argument.
If all else fails, say you were in the Army.
"It's not evil for God to do it. Or for someone to do it at God's command."- Jonathan Boyd on baby-killing
"you guys are fascinated with the use of those "rules of logic" to the extent that you don't really want to discussus anything."- GC
"I do not believe Russian Roulette is a stupid act" - Embracer of Darkness
"Viagra commercials appear to save lives" - tharkûn on US health care.
13. Claim that you personally know professionals in a field you're attacking who disagree with your opponent as proof. It makes it sound like you have an authoritative claim.
14. Claim that the other side is just as bad when given examples of your side's fuck-ups.
"It's you Americans. There's something about nipples you hate. If this were Germany, we'd be romping around naked on the stage here."
18. Personal anecdotes are the be-all end-all of debate. Bring out one of those bad boys and rest assured that nothing shall ever be able to topple your mountain of unrepeatable, untestable personal experience.
Gaian Paradigm: Because not all fantasy has to be childish crap. Ephemeral Pie: Because not all role-playing has to be shallow. My art: Because not all DA users are talentless emo twits. "Phant, quit abusing the He-Wench before he turns you into a caged bitch at a Ren Fair and lets the tourists toss half munched turkey legs at your backside." -Mr. Coffee
ray245 wrote:17. Write a long winded Essay in order to win a debate. Writing a long winded reply means you are now a person who is very well-educated.
What the fuck are you talking about? The Internet forum political drones we're talking about always argue with talking points, not essays.
It'd probably be more accurate to make it
17. The person with the most talking points wins, so make sure you include as many of them in your comment as possible. And do not concern yourself with such trivialities as correct spelling or punctuation. If your opponent claims to be unable to decipher what you just wrote, it just means that they have no counter to your unimpeachable reasoning.
ray245 wrote:17. Write a long winded Essay in order to win a debate. Writing a long winded reply means you are now a person who is very well-educated.
What the fuck are you talking about? The Internet forum political drones we're talking about always argue with talking points, not essays.
How about 17. Copy Paste someone else long winded essay not necessarily on that subject and refer back to it whenever questioned.
"A cult is a religion with no political power." -Tom Wolfe Pardon me for sounding like a dick, but I'm playing the tiniest violin in the world right now-Dalton
20. Just in case people might forget you're a true patriot, make sure your avatar is something patriotic, like a bald eagle kicking Osama Bin Laden's ass in front of an American flag. Or, if they might forget you're religious, have a cross or Jesus in the avatar. Combine the two as needed.
21. If you're not winning the debate enough, try pointing out errors in spelling, grammar, or the like , regardless of one's own spelling or grammar.
22. Nothing trumps Jesus and God. When in doubt, mention one of them and some vaguely related passage of the Bible. If they try to refute it, call them an atheist. If they agree with being one, call them immoral and tell them how they're going to hell.
SDNet: Unbelievable levels of pedantry that you can't find anywhere else on the Internet!
23) Anyone that disagrees with you is like Hitler despite what they are claiming is nothing remotely like Hitler or resembling Fascism or Nazism. Remember, whoever plays the Hitler ace-in-the-hole first wins the debate! Bonus points if you can work in a swastika or Hitler mustache into a photo of what your opponent is advocating.
24. When you have nothing to rebut with, post a sarcastic, guttersniping post and make sure you end it with
Whoever says "education does not matter" can try ignorance
------------
A decision must be made in the life of every nation at the very moment when the grasp of the enemy is at its throat. Then, it seems that the only way to survive is to use the means of the enemy, to rest survival upon what is expedient, to look the other way. Well, the answer to that is 'survival as what'? A country isn't a rock. It's not an extension of one's self. It's what it stands for. It's what it stands for when standing for something is the most difficult! - Chief Judge Haywood
------------ My LPs
25) Remember at all times to use catch phrases like "socialist", "statist", "evolutionist", etc. Be careful not to supply an argument explaining why these terms apply to the overall argument, how you define these terms or even why these terms are considered bad.
"This statement, in its utterly clueless hubristic stupidity, cannot be improved upon. I merely quote it in admiration of its perfection." - Garibaldi
"Problem is, while the Germans have had many mea culpas and quite painfully dealt with their history, the South is still hellbent on painting themselves as the real victims. It gives them a special place in the history of assholes" - Covenant
"Over three million died fighting for the emperor, but when the war was over he pretended it was not his responsibility. What kind of man does that?'' - Saburo Sakai
27. Use the poorest spelling and grammar that you can get away with before completely confusing the readers. Or sometimes not bothering with that last part.
All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain...
28. As an alternate to the above rule, utilize language to the effect of maximum obfuscating complexity, thus increasing your perceived intelligence and the validity of your arguments. Sesquipedalian loquaciousness is never out of place, and one can point to their judo-like grip on the English language as evidence of the superiority of their mental facilities.
1980s Rock is to music what Giant Robot shows are to anime
Think about it.
Cruising low in my N-1 blasting phat beats,
showin' off my chrome on them Coruscant streets
Got my 'saber on my belt and my gat by side,
this here yellow plane makes for a sick ride
29a. Any language other than American and Latin is nothing but falsehood or elitism. Indeed, too great a familiarity with either is dangerously elitist itself! Best to stick to isolated quotes rather than any real comprehension.
30. When stumped for foreign-policy solutions, ask "what would the Romans do" and then accuse modern politicians of being "spineless" for their unwillingness to do the same. Don't worry about the fact that the Romans were utterly barbaric by modern standards and that their behaviour would be considered "crimes against humanity" today.
"It's not evil for God to do it. Or for someone to do it at God's command."- Jonathan Boyd on baby-killing
"you guys are fascinated with the use of those "rules of logic" to the extent that you don't really want to discussus anything."- GC
"I do not believe Russian Roulette is a stupid act" - Embracer of Darkness
"Viagra commercials appear to save lives" - tharkûn on US health care.
33. Keep a list of ready-to-cut-and-paste bumper sticker type bits on your computer at home for a variety of discussions. When the discussion is about health care, find your "health care snippets" and paste them over and over again in all thread topics having to do with health care, and so on.
34. You can undermine your opponents be prefacing everything with "all you liberals seem to think that..."
By the sounds of some of these, some folks have been reading comments of Huffington Post!
Something about Libertarianism always bothered me. Then one day, I realized what it was:
Libertarian philosophy can be boiled down to the phrase, "Work Will Make You Free."
In Libertarianism, there is no Government, so the Bosses are free to exploit the Workers.
In Communism, there is no Government, so the Workers are free to exploit the Bosses.
So in Libertarianism, man exploits man, but in Communism, its the other way around! If all you want to do is have some harmless, mindless fun, go H3RE INST3ADZ0RZ!! Grrr! Fight my Brute, you pansy!
35. Constantly repost the same article over an over every time evidence is brought up against you. When asked to stop cry they you aren't accepting my evidence no matter what the other side has presented. Do this especially if someone posts something refuting your 'evidence.'
Hapan Battle Dragons Rule!
When you want peace prepare for war! --Confusious
That was disapointing ..Should we show this Federation how to build a ship so we may have worthy foes? Typhonis 1
The Prince of The Writer's Guild|HAB Spacewolf Tank General| God Bless America!
