No Germans In Star Trek?!

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-01-17 05:30pm

In a press conference Monday, a spokesman for German distributors of the famous television franchise gave the following statement, "Vhy heff zere been no Churmans on Stah Trek?! Zeah are nemz like Gurk, Zboke, Mack-Coy, Uhura, and Mista Zulu, eeffen Chekov. Zeah, is eeffen, I em told, an ahtificial person on ze new show most lately. But ve heff yet to hear of a Keptin Schultz, or ze daring edventures off U.S.S. Hamburg! What! Who iss leffing there in ze beck! Stop it!"

Star Trek's creative personnel not having been seen for nearly ten years, we considered asking Rick Berman or Brannon Braga for a response. Fortunately, they were unavailable.

It is rumored that we may see a German character in a future incarnation of Trek, though the same was said of a gay or lesbian character for many years before comedian Andy Dick appeared on Star Trek: Voyager. (Incidentally, whether Dick is gay or lesbian is still unknown at press time.)

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2003-01-17 05:42pm

Oh, but there was at least one German aboard the Enterprise: Lt. Jaëger, ship's geologist, seen in "The Squire Of Gothos".

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-01-17 05:46pm

Perhaps Germans, being the good engineers that they are recognized these ships for the flying death traps/bombs that they are and are staying away in droves hoping that one day SF creates a Volvo type starship.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-01-17 06:00pm

The Germans have their own vessels, that, gasp, actually work properly. That's why they choose not to go onboard any Federation starship.

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-01-17 06:10pm

neoolong wrote:The Germans have their own vessels, that, gasp, actually work properly. That's why they choose not to go onboard any Federation starship.

Strangely enough, I checked and you're right! It's called Sternflotte! Their flagship is the Unternehmen. It's a Galaxie-class, but don't worry -- it wasn't designed by Leah Brahms -- it was designed by Lee Osbourne. Should be fine.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-01-17 07:32pm

Stravo wrote:Perhaps Germans, being the good engineers that they are recognized these ships for the flying death traps/bombs that they are and are staying away in droves hoping that one day SF creates a Volvo type starship.

Borg: WTF, we can't even put a dent in the thing!,

USS-Sturmtiger: Prepare to fire an Alpha Strike as soon as we get in range.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2003-01-17 07:33pm

Stravo wrote:Perhaps Germans, being the good engineers that they are recognized these ships for the flying death traps/bombs that they are and are staying away in droves hoping that one day SF creates a Volvo type starship.

I like Stravo's explanation.

paladin · Post by **paladin** » 2003-01-17 07:42pm

Stravo wrote:Perhaps Germans, being the good engineers that they are recognized these ships for the flying death traps/bombs that they are and are staying away in droves hoping that one day SF creates a Volvo type starship.

Isn't Volvo a Swedish company not German?

Crown · Post by **Crown** » 2003-01-17 07:42pm

Yeah, except isn't Volvo Swedish?

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-01-17 07:47pm

paladin wrote:
Stravo wrote:Perhaps Germans, being the good engineers that they are recognized these ships for the flying death traps/bombs that they are and are staying away in droves hoping that one day SF creates a Volvo type starship.
Isn't Volvo a Swedish company not German?

Yup, though isn't it part of Ford now?

paladin · Post by **paladin** » 2003-01-17 07:52pm

neoolong wrote:
paladin wrote:
Stravo wrote:Perhaps Germans, being the good engineers that they are recognized these ships for the flying death traps/bombs that they are and are staying away in droves hoping that one day SF creates a Volvo type starship.
Isn't Volvo a Swedish company not German?
Yup, though isn't it part of Ford now?

I do believe you're correct that it's now part of Ford.

AWACS · Post by **AWACS** » 2003-01-17 08:00pm

Let's see... they should do a new trek series where the German captain is compentent, aggressive... even warmongering. And the ship is called something like Bismark or Graf Spee or Scharnhorst or Reichlieu. And is an ultimate warship, first of a new class far eclipsing even the Sovereign-class in its perfection as the most powerful combat vessel in known space. Collectively these new vessels form an elite battlegroup known as the Kriegsmarine. Redshirts are non-existant on these new ships, instead brownshirts and blackshirts are the order of the day. Throughout the ship the UFP Great Seal is not used, instead these ships use a glorious banner consisting of a black hakenkreuz in a white circle on a scarlet backfield. They go around kicking ass all over the alpha+beta quadrants and crushing their enemies under the boots of the Rei... ahem I mean the Federation.

MK Sheppard records the entire series to tape and spends many an hour masturbating to it.

EmperorMing · Post by **EmperorMing** » 2003-01-17 08:45pm

And the Klingons play the part of the Italians...

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-01-17 09:09pm

But who will play the role of the French?

Stormbringer · Post by **Stormbringer** » 2003-01-17 09:12pm

Darth Wong wrote:But who will play the role of the French?

The bajorans?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-01-17 09:18pm

Stormbringer wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:But who will play the role of the French?
The bajorans?

I don't think they're that good at surrendering. My bet is on the Vulcans: haughty, arrogant, full of a sense of cultural and moral superiority, and I have a feeling they'd be rushing to raise the white flag in the event that Vulcan came under threat.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-01-17 09:23pm

Darth Wong wrote:
Stormbringer wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:But who will play the role of the French?
The bajorans?
I don't think they're that good at surrendering. My bet is on the Vulcans: haughty, arrogant, full of a sense of cultural and moral superiority, and I have a feeling they'd be rushing to raise the white flag in the event that Vulcan came under threat.

Don't forget, the Romulans figured they could take over Vulcan with 3000 troops. Size that to a country and it's pretty equivalent to France.

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2003-01-17 09:23pm

But who will play the role of the French?

IDIOTS!
Its obvious!

The Frengi!

They started out smart and don't fuck with us then went strait to hell!

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-01-17 09:27pm

AWACS wrote:Let's see... they should do a new trek series where the German captain is compentent, aggressive... even warmongering. And the ship is called something like Bismark or Graf Spee or Scharnhorst or Reichlieu. And is an ultimate warship, first of a new class far eclipsing even the Sovereign-class in its perfection as the most powerful combat vessel in known space. Collectively these new vessels form an elite battlegroup known as the Kriegsmarine. Redshirts are non-existant on these new ships, instead brownshirts and blackshirts are the order of the day. Throughout the ship the UFP Great Seal is not used, instead these ships use a glorious banner consisting of a black hakenkreuz in a white circle on a scarlet backfield. They go around kicking ass all over the alpha+beta quadrants and crushing their enemies under the boots of the Rei... ahem I mean the Federation.

MK Sheppard records the entire series to tape and spends many an hour masturbating to it.

Reichlieu is a damn French name. And the Imperial German Kaiserliche Marine makes for a far better fleet, at least it had a chance in hell of not being totally destroyed in anything but single or two ship actions.

beyond hope · Post by **beyond hope** » 2003-01-17 09:29pm

It does make me seriously wonder: are there any ethnic or religious groups we've *never* seen represented on Star Trek? (I mention religious groups not because there seem to be many left in the Federation, but because to my recollection I've never seen a single Jewish character on Star Trek- there seems to be a lack of consensus as to whether they're an ethnic or religious group.)

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-01-17 09:30pm

Darth Wong wrote:
Stormbringer wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:But who will play the role of the French?
The bajorans?
I don't think they're that good at surrendering. My bet is on the Vulcans: haughty, arrogant, full of a sense of cultural and moral superiority, and I have a feeling they'd be rushing to raise the white flag in the event that Vulcan came under threat.

The French surrender when actually defeated, which is quite often. The Vulcan's would work out all the numbers before a shot was fired and surrender out of hand. You don't find many examples of the French doing that beyond Operation Torch, though Chinese warlords where known to do so. That way the troops could get back to their proper role of collecting taxes 50 years in advance from the peasantry

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2003-01-17 11:14pm

(Incidentally, whether Dick is gay or lesbian is still unknown at press time.)

Oh. My. God. AAAAHAHAHAHA!

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-01-18 02:21am

We all KNOW who the Bajorans are: Israel, IMO.

I don't know about their human rights record but fuck am I sicking of how the Federation needs to cater to the interests of the Bajorans.

Typhonis 1 · Post by **Typhonis 1** » 2003-01-18 11:45am

Actually the only reason the Federation was asskissing the Bajorans was to have access to the frelling wormhole they discovered it was technically there system and the bajorans were smart enough to ask the Feddies for help...but NOT smart enough not to join the Federation

Kurgan · Post by **Kurgan** » 2003-01-18 12:47pm

Hmm.. Volvo.. sounds Swedish.

Hilarity ensues, obvious, asinine, hero....