20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"

[Tsyroc]

(Article from Edinburgh University's MIDWEEK Student Magazine,
by Graeme MacDonald.)

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it
has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform,
which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a
funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague,
for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less
advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place
to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to
interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise"
where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it
to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience
which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he
visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own
age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for
not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in
three sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
But we still love it, right kids?

[thecreech]

"it's funny because it's true" --- Homer simpson

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

The same jokes have been here for years...

[CNS Sarajevo]

Then here are a few more:

10 Things Nobody Ever Said on Star Trek

"Captain Greenpeace wants to communicate with the alien."

"LaForge, if the starboard power coupling goes down, I'm hiding your visor again."

"Don't give me that 'alien culture' crap."

"If anybody says 'prime directive' one more time I'm going to do something funny with a chainsaw."

"Can't we just kill them?"

"I'm going to watch 'Hellraiser,' then go to that Betazoid reunion party. Should be a howl."

"Computer. Cheesesteak, ketchup. Fries, greasy. Beer, domestic, cold."

"Commanders Riker and Shelby are....er....going to be late."

"Destroy that planet. And every planet that ever knew of it."

"What say we 'lose' commander Worf in a friendly fire accident?"

[Captain Cyran]

Is it just me or is the term "Smarmy git" funny?

[The Silence and I]

My favorite is #13.