Proto Monty Python - I'm sorry I'll read that again.

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Proto Monty Python - I'm sorry I'll read that again.

Post by El Moose Monstero »

Something I retrieved from eBay recently was a collection of episodes of I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again. For those not in the know, this is a 50's / 60's radio show featuring John Cleese, Graeme Garden, Jo Kendall, David Hatch, Tim Brooke Taylor and Bill Oddie. Lots of the humour is very similar to Python or for UK residents, radio broadcast 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue' from which some of the games of the latter have visible origins in the former. This show is hit and miss, but I thoroughly recommend trying to find the compilation tapes on eBay. Nevertheless, the reason I'm bothering to post this is to post a small transcript, the legality of which in all honesty, I'm not too sure of. You can buy the radioscripts in a book form these days, but this transcript constitutes far less than 10% of the work, which is what the UK limit for exceedance of fair-use/copyright is.

Feel free to lock this if US/Canadian laws are different, but it's not taken straight from the book, rather I transcripted it from the actual tape.

Anyway, this version of Macbeth is one of the funnier sketches, works best by reading it aloud or remembering that it was a radio broadcast. Just thought I'd share it, as it's probably one of the densest collection of bad puns I've had the pleasure to hear. Only bit of context I think you need is that throne is another word for toilet. Remember that it's 50's humour, so it's not exactly the most sophisticated stuff ever written, but I rather like it. A lot of my own writing style of punning and wordplay comes from this.
I'm sorry, I'll read that again wrote:
Garden: Favourite stories from Shakespeare. There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, and they were approached by this commercial travel agent, big fella, and anyway…

Hatch (interrupting): Wait, wait a moment. You said favourite stories of Shakespeare.

Garden: Oh, he loved that one.

Hatch: I thought you meant stories he wrote?

Garden: Oh, he wrote it too. I mean Shakespeare wrote some of the oldest jokes in the book.

Hatch: He wrote great tragedies and histories!

Garden: No, no, that’s what came down to posterity, yes. But have you ever seen the original manuscripts?

Hatch: No.

Garden: They’re all jokes. I mean what about all his big hits? Titusandronicus, get it? Tight as Andronicus?

Hatch: Twelfth night.

Garden: …at the London Palladium. Then there was his great political comedy, ‘Love, labours lost’. Then there were all the Lear films,

Hatch: What?

Garden: Yes, there was Lear at Life, Take off your clothes and Lear, Orgy at Lear’s place, Carry On Learing, all them films.

Hatch: Ok, if you say so. Ladies and gentlemen, from the original manuscript, we present another tale from Shakespeare. You’ll laugh till you ache.

Voice: Hahahahaha, oooh, ahh, ooh ah.

Hatch: It’s the breeziest romp since Richard III, it’s the funniest murder story since Julius Caesar, it’s Macbeth!

Announcer: Scene 1.
Voice (Oddie): I’ve seen 2.

Announcer: The blasted heath.
Voice (Oddie): Better than the infernal Wilson.

Announcer: It is a foul night.
Voice (Brooke-Taylor): Pckark (chicken noise)

Announcer: And the rain is lashing the trees.
Voice (Cleese): Oh, I love hitting my tree boys!

Announcer: Enter Macbeth and Banquo.

(storm soundeffects)

Macbeth (Cleese): My lord, this is a foul night to be abroad, or anyone else for that matter.

Banquo (Kendall?): See, the sky is rent with thunderbolts, the clouds serve as shrouds to a thousand devillish faces, the wind howls like the cry of maddened wolves and it is raining human blood! What can this mean?

Macbeth: There’s an anticyclone over Ireland!

Banquo: Hear the raging of the storm, it’s getting louder!

Macbeth: What a terrible noise!

Banquo: I can’t hear myself speak!

Macbeth: What did you say?

Banquo: I dunno, I can’t hear myself speak!

Macbeth: It’s him who’s doing this, him up there! You stupid producer, turn the sound effects down!

*storm effects cut*

Macbeth: That’s better, now we must find shelter.

Banquo: A few minutes ago, I thought I noticed a hollow.

Voice (Brooke-taylor): Hullo.

Banquo: There it is again.

Hecate (Brooke-Taylor): Good evening! I am Hecate, queen of the witches. Or witch of the queens, whichever you prefer.

(witches cackle)

Hecate: Thank you, weird sisters, now sing…

(all sing hubble bubble to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star, Macbeth gets carried away and carries on singing about gerbils in the sky)

Hecate: Macbeth!

Macbeth: You know my name!

Hecate: No, it was just an inspired guess.

Macbeth: You evil creature!

Hecate: Yes, we can.

Macbeth: I hear you can foretell the future… …wait a moment, that’s very good.

Hecate: It’s true, we can.

Macbeth: Then tell the future for me.

Hecate: Hail, macbeth, hail, hail, hail!

Macbeth: Not the weather, give me a prediction!

Hecate: Macbeth, you shall thane of glams,

Weird sister (Oddie): and you shall be thane of cawdor,

Macbeth: Thane? Thane! … What the hell’s a thane?

Hecate: You’ll thoon find out, thweetie. And thou shalt be king hereafter.

Macbeth: King?!

Hecate: Aye! And you, Banquo. You will not be king. Yet, you will be royal.

Banquo: Oh, oh… I’m going to be queen!

Hecate: The crown shall rest upon thy issue.

Banquo: My what?

Hecate: Issue, issue,

Weird sisters: All fall down!

(cackle and exit)

Banquo: Macbeth! Let us get out of here, she is possessed by some evil being!

Hecate (distant): I should be so lucky.

-----

Announcer: Scene 2, a room in Macbeth’s castle, Macbeth is telling lady Macbeth of the promises of the 3 witches.

Musical introduction.

Macbeth: And that I should be king hereafter.

Lady Macbeth: Ahm teariibly sorry, ah didnae hear the first bit.

Macbeth: I know, the music played right across my line.

Lady Macbeth: So, Macbeth shall be king and I queen, my lad, we must make surre these weirrrrd sisterrrrs spoke the truth! Ya understan’ me?

Macbeth: Yes, but it would be easier without the accent.

Lady Macbeth (dropping Scottish accent): Oh alright, I’ll be straight with you. You cannot be king whilst Duncan still lives, and by good fortune, he is a guest in our castle this very night, I have an evil trick to play. Do you not think there should be a surprise waiting for him in his quarters?

Macbeth: Ah yes! We’ll make an apple pie bed!

Lady Macbeth: He has been on the throne too long.

Macbeth: I know, it’s filthy!

Lady Macbeth: He has something you should take from him, understand?

Macbeth: I know, I shall take his wife.

Lady Macbeth: You mean his wife?

Macbeth: You take what you want.

Lady Macbeth: I believe you’re scared. Take this, Macbeth!

Macbeth: Ahhh! Is this a dagger I see before me?

Lady Macbeth: No.

Macbeth: Oh. Is this a dagger?

Lady Macbeth: Yes, now go, and with it carve your name on Scotlands throne.

Announcer: And so Macbeth went to do what he had to do, then he went to Duncan’s quarters. It was twelve o clock and the porter tolled the bell.

Porter (oddie): It’s twelve o clock, bell.

Announcer: And Macbeth, dagger in hand, stood at Duncan’s door.

Macbeth: Hark, Duncan! Art thou within? Even as thou slumber wilt thou perish, die, for Macbeth will claim thy throne, prepare to die, Duncan, say now your final words!

Duncan: Shut up, I’m trying to sleep in here.

Macbeth: Are you in bed?

Duncan: Yes.

Macbeth: I’m coming in!

Duncan: No, there’s not room for two!

(Macbeth enters)

Duncan: Ah, go away!

Macbeth: No, I’ve come to stab you! Take this, Duncan!

(explosion sound effect)

Macbeth: I was right, it wasn’t a dagger. Anyway, tis done now. Now, a plan so that noone should suspect it was me. First, a note on the body… *writes* it wasn’t me, signed Macbeth. Ahahahaha!

Announcer: And so, Macbeth rejoined Lady Macbeth and they went back to bed. But soon a servant was shouting out the news.

Servant: They’ve gone to bed, everyone!

Announcer: Then, in rushed Duncan’s manservant.

Manservant: Oh my lord, awake awake, the king, my master has given up his ghost, his lids are heavy and closed, his earthly coil has quit his graces form and the bird of light has flit his aged soul!

Macbeth: You mean he’s dead?

Manservant: Hang on, I’ll look. … Yes.

Announcer: At this, Lady Macbeth began wailing.

Lady Macbeth: Thar she blows!

Announcer: The tears flowed like water, Macbeth sank to his knees.

(sinking noise)

Announcer: Then they brought in the corpse.

Cops: Allo allo, what’s all this then?

Announcer: Macbeth was not suspected and when it was suggested that he be crowned, the people clamoured for it with one voice.

One voice: I want it.

Announcer: The next day, Macbeth was crowned. For months he enjoyed the usurped throne, he locked himself inside so he could never be found out. But he was haunted by what the weird sisters had said to Banquo.

“The crown shall sit upon your issue…my what? …issue…issue…all fall down”

Announcer: It worried him.

Macbeth: I still don’t find it funny.

Lady Macbeth: Macbeth, we must put an end to Banquo and his son Fleance, I have hired two murderers.

(knock knock)

Lady Macbeth: That’ll be them.

(enter two murderers)

Macbeth: Ah, you must be the…

Murderers: exactly.

Macbeth: As you may know, I have a little…

Murderers: inconvenience?

Macbeth: Exactly, I was hoping that it could meet with a little…

Murderers: shall we say… accident

Macbeth: My very words.

Murderers: there is of course the question of…

Macbeth: Say no more.

Murderers: Splendid.

Macbeth: So you will…

Murderers: Quite.

Macbeth: And it will be…

Murderers: Naturally.

Macbeth: Then I think we…

Murderers: Understand each other? Good.

(exit Macbeth)

Murderer 1: What have we got to do?

Murdered 2: I’ve absolutely no idea.

Announcer: The next day, Banquo was murdered, but his son Fleance escaped. When Macbeth heard this, he tore his hair and stamped on his rabbit. Their consciences were starting to plague them, one night, lady Macbeth got out of bed.

Macbeth: Where are you going?

Lady Macbeth: I’m going to wash my hands.

Macbeth: Oh, come on, I’m you’re husband, you can tell me.

Lady Macbeth: I am going to wash them, look at them, how red they are…

Macbeth: BLOOD!

Lady Macbeth: No, washing up!

Macbeth: Then you should use Hairy Liquid.

Announcer2: He’s right you know, Hairy liquid keeps your hands both soft and smooth.

Lady Macbeth: It’s this spot, this damn spot, I can’t get rid of it.

Announcer2: And that’s another reason why Lady Macbeth should use hairy liquid.

Singers: Hairy Liquid can’t be beat, keeps your hands so soft and sweet. Hairy Liquid.

Annnouncer: Suddenly, there appeared the ghost of Banquo, Macbeth went as white as a sheet.

Lady Macbeth: I’ve never seen anyone quite so white.

Announcer2: That’s because Macbeth uses hairy liquid.

Lady Macbeth: Oh, my lord, there is some evil creature climbing on the bed!

(enter Hecate)

Macbeth: Hecate! What do you want with me?

(Hecate make suggestive noises)

Macbeth: Well, now you’re here, I may as well make use of you.

Hecate: Oh, I didn’t expect cooperation.

Macbeth: Can you foresee everything?

Hecate: Usually, but you surprised me just then.

Macbeth: I must know the answer to some questions, shall I ever lose the crown, will Fleance defeat me in battle? Will Rolf Harris come back for another series? Will Red Rum win the 2.30 at Nuneaton? Will I be famous? Will I be rich?

Hecate: Macbeth, you shall be king, till Burnam Wood come to Dunsinane!

Historian: N.B. This line has puzzled scholars, Shakespeare usually ends his scene with a good joke, and we must therefore assume that Burnam wood had some highly risible connotation to the Elizabethan audience. Some scholars prefer to assume that the whole line was a misprint and the line infact read,

“Macbeth, you shall be king till your granny gets onto the gas stove, cos then she’ll be riding the range!”

Announcer: Scene 8, Macbeth’s stronghold.

Lady Macbeth: Ooh, let go!

Announcer: Macbeth is standing on his bulwarks. No mean achievement. Suddenly, a messenger runs in, and throws himself on his knees.

Macbeth: Get off my knee!

Messenger: Sire, sire, I looked across the plains just now and I saw Burnam Wood move towards Dunsinane.

Macbeth: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Messenger: What’s so funny about Burnam Wood?

Macbeth: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said my granny had got onto the gas stove… oh! Burnam Wood, then I am doomed!

Messenger: Sire, I think it is but men described as trees.

Macbeth: Alright, I can deal with that, release the dogs!

Hecate: No! Go away, we’re having a love-in!

Macbeth: Good grief, it’s Hecate with leaves in her hair.

Hecate: We’re the Dunsinane Unit of Hippies Incorporated.

Lady Macbeth: But why are you dressed as trees?

Hecate: We’ve got branches everywhere, come, come and take a bough!

END.
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Post by Red Star »

Nothing beats British comedy :D
That is so funny, do you have more?
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Post by El Moose Monstero »

Not transcripted (which took a while), and not without violating the fair use policies and making this thread in violation of board policy, if you liked it, you can probably find the scripts and audio cassettes on eBay or amazon. To be fair, not all of it is as good as this, this is probably their best of the one's I've heard.
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Post by Red Star »

Probably ebay would be the only place you could find these tapes, or maybe in some underground media store in the UK, which would be to long of a plane ride for me.
If anyone knows the these tapes existance in any Canadian stores id like to know.(hopes for the best)
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Post by Lord Woodlouse »

I think the Goon Show was also something of a precursor. I have (or had) some tapes of it. It's fantastic stuff. :)
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Post by Flash »

I've had some 'I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again' tapes for years. My father brought them home from a trip to England well over ten years ago, and I promptly stole them. :) I've listened to them many, many times over the years. I've got the MacBeth skit on one of my tapes, and i'd have to agree, it's the best skit i've heard them do.

My father actually grew up listening to this show, and from what he remembers it ran for years. Ever since he found the first collection on tape he's been looking for more, but can't find any. Which is a pity, because he keeps telling me about a serial skit they did called 'The Adventures of the Golden Wombat' or something similar, and in his opinion is the funniest thing they did.
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Post by Jawawithagun »

Just incase you're interested, the BBC Shop has it listed too.
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Post by Drooling Iguana »

"I was right. It wasn't a dagger."

I've got to get these tapes.
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