Anti-jokes

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2002-09-20 10:01pm

I posted these over at SB and B5tech, but they didn't go over well. Tell me what y'all think about them. They were written by a guy named Mike Sacks.

--------------------------------

One day, while on vacation in the big city, two rednecks, Bubba and Daryl, leave their
hotel to have dinner. Tired and hungry, they decide to stop in at a kosher deli.

After having a seat, they ask the waitress what the house specialty is. She replies that
it's matzo ball soup.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the bowls of soup to Bubba and Daryl. They've
never seen anything quite like this, but being hungry, they quickly eat the soup.

After they finish, the waiter arrives.

"How did you like your soup?" she asks.

To which Bubba zings: "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me... do you Jewish folks eat
other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

There is no laughter, just silence, broken only by the sound of the waitress grinding her
dentures. "Are they making fun of me?" she thinks. "Or are they just being cute?" She's
not quite sure.

"Are you making fun of me?" asks the waitress.

"No, listen," says Bubba, "we're only making fun of ourselves. Let's face it, we look just
like two hicks, so we enjoy playing up the stereotype. No big deal. Just a joke."

The waitress, not believing him, grabs the first item that she can find, a wooden
broom-handle, and begins to swing wildly. She sets upon the two with a vengeance, all the
while trying not to disturb the dinner party taking place upstairs. It is her first week
on the job and she does not want to get fired.

--------------------------------

A boy is walking down the street when he notices his grandpa sitting in his rocking chair
on the front porch, wearing nothing from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the boy asks.

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" the boy
inquires.

Without missing a beat, the old man retorts: "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt
on and I got a stiff neck. So, this is your grandma's idea!"

The air is still, and in the distance, a car horn can be heard.

The boy does not say anything, just stares at his grandfather's aged, sickeningly white
penis. After a few moments, the boy takes a bite out of his peanut-butter sandwich, waves
goodbye, and leaves for his friend Jeffrey's house.

--------------------------------

Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads
directly at a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hits one of the men, and he immediately clasps his hands together at his
crotch, falls to the ground, and proceeds to roll around in agony.

The woman rushes to the man and begins to apologize. She says: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know that I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"No, I'll be all right . . . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replies as he remains in
the fetal position, still clasping his crotch. But she persists, and he finally allows her
to help. She unzips his pants, puts her hands inside, and begins to massage him. She then
asks: "How does this feel?"

To which he rejoins: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

After a short pause, in which nothing is said, there is this exchange:

"You think you're so funny?" asks the lady, beginning to cry. "I spent many years training
to become a physical therapist. My husband has M.S. We're in debt for thousands. You're no
comedian!"

The man, too, begins to cry. He stands up. Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he cracks
wise: "I'm new at playing practical jokes and I'm slightly drunk. Please, just show me a
little patience and I promise you that I won't do it again! Okay?"

"Okay," quips the lady, still crying. "All right then, okay."

--------------------------------

"This has all been a dream?" asked Marcus Walsh, sadly. "All of it?"

"Yes," said the man in the white suit.

"So I'm still asleep?" asked Marcus.

"Yes," said the man in the white suit, "and when you wake up, you will return to your life as you knew it before."

"So let me get this straight," replied Marcus, tugging at his red tam-o'-shanter hat. "The escape from the hangman's noose?"

"Dream," said the man in the white suit.

"The love-making session with that young woman with the bright green hair?"

"Dream."

"So I didn't attack that man with the hot dog?"

"No, you didn't," replied the man.

"And when I wake up?" asked Marcus, still tugging at his tam-o'-shanter.

"Everything will return to normal," said the man, tapping Marcus on his shoulder with his wooden cane.

The man tapped him again.

And yet Marcus did not wake up.

"What's going on?" asked Marcus.

The mysterious man shrugged.

"Maybe you're not dreaming," said the man. "I'm no expert."

With that, the man waved his wooden stick in the air, around and around, and then, with his right hand, punched Marcus in the face, knocking him down and then out.

--------------------------------

Mary stepped before Jeffery and declared: "There's a reason why I've been acting funny lately."

"Funny?" asked Jeffery, as he limped closer to where Mary sat.

"Yes," said Mary, "you know...leaving the house at all hours, not being available, acting strangely. There's a reason for that."

"Which would be?" asked Jeffery.

"That I took a second job," said Mary, "in order to pay for this."

From out of a lovely suede purse, Mary pulled forth an ivory comb. It was the fanciest comb Jeffery had ever seen. And yet...

"A comb?" asked Jeffery. "But I don't have any hair. On account of the radiation. For the leg cancer."

"I know," said Mary, "which is why I sold all of my own combs. To pay for this."

With that, Mary pulled out a large wig: "Here's a wig. For your bald head. You can use the comb on it."

"This is ironic!" exclaimed Jeffery. "For I just sold all of the hair that I lost during the radiation treatments to pay for this..."

Jeffery removed a pair of diamond earrings from out of a velvet case.

"But I have no earlobes," said Mary, somewhat sadly. "On account of that car crash last year."

"And this wig looks ridiculous on me," said Jeffery, before a mirror. "We both truly fucked up."

Jeffery and Mary contemplated what had just happened.

--------------------------------

It was a few months later and Mary stepped before Jeffery to declare: "There's a reason why I've been acting funny lately."

"Again?" asked Jeffery, as he positioned his wheelchair closer to where Mary sat. "Why now?"

"I took on a third job," said Mary. "In order to pay for this."

Mary pulled from out of a paper bag a handful of...what was it? Jeffery was not quite sure.

"What is that?" asked Jeffery, touching the space where his legs used to be, lo so many months before. "It's bizarre looking."

"Fake feet," said Mary. "To be attached to your legs."

"But I have no legs," said Jeffery, standing before a mirror. "On account of that cancer."

"Woops," said Mary.

"And these feet are made out of cheese," said Jeffery.

"The job doesn't pay much," said Mary, sitting down. "My bad."

Again, Jeffery and Mary contemplated what had just happened.

This time longer.

Post by **Dalton** » 2002-09-20 10:06pm

Uh...OK, so they ARE Anti-jokes. What are we supposed to do, unlaugh?

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2002-09-20 10:07pm

I think I speak for everyone when I ask this.

What the hell was that?

Post by **Colonel Olrik** » 2002-09-20 10:08pm

Dalton wrote:Uh...OK, so they ARE Anti-jokes. What are we supposed to do, laugh?

.. cry

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-09-20 10:55pm

Grand Admiral Thrawn · Post by **Grand Admiral Thrawn** » 2002-09-20 10:58pm

Instead of Ha, Ah? Instead of Heh and Lol, oh wait...

IRG CommandoJoe · Post by **IRG CommandoJoe** » 2002-09-21 12:27am

The jokes are funny except they add on to the people's reactions after that, which makes them sort of awkward. Lemme edit them to show you what I mean:

--------------------------------

One day, while on vacation in the big city, two rednecks, Bubba and Daryl, leave their
hotel to have dinner. Tired and hungry, they decide to stop in at a kosher deli.

After having a seat, they ask the waitress what the house specialty is. She replies that
it's matzo ball soup.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the bowls of soup to Bubba and Daryl. They've
never seen anything quite like this, but being hungry, they quickly eat the soup.

After they finish, the waiter arrives.

"How did you like your soup?" she asks.

To which Bubba zings: "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me... do you Jewish folks eat
other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

--------------------------------

A boy is walking down the street when he notices his grandpa sitting in his rocking chair
on the front porch, wearing nothing from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the boy asks.

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" the boy
inquires.

Without missing a beat, the old man retorts: "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt
on and I got a stiff neck. So, this is your grandma's idea!"

--------------------------------

Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads
directly at a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hits one of the men, and he immediately clasps his hands together at his
crotch, falls to the ground, and proceeds to roll around in agony.

The woman rushes to the man and begins to apologize. She says: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know that I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"No, I'll be all right . . . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replies as he remains in
the fetal position, still clasping his crotch. But she persists, and he finally allows her
to help. She unzips his pants, puts her hands inside, and begins to massage him. She then
asks: "How does this feel?"

To which he rejoins: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

--------------------------------

"This has all been a dream?" asked Marcus Walsh, sadly. "All of it?"

"Yes," said the man in the white suit.

"So I'm still asleep?" asked Marcus.

"Yes," said the man in the white suit, "and when you wake up, you will return to your life as you knew it before."

"So let me get this straight," replied Marcus, tugging at his red tam-o'-shanter hat. "The escape from the hangman's noose?"

"Dream," said the man in the white suit.

"The love-making session with that young woman with the bright green hair?"

"Dream."

"So I didn't attack that man with the hot dog?"

"No, you didn't," replied the man.

"And when I wake up?" asked Marcus, still tugging at his tam-o'-shanter.

"Everything will return to normal," said the man, tapping Marcus on his shoulder with his wooden cane.

The man tapped him again.

And yet Marcus did not wake up.

"What's going on?" asked Marcus.

The mysterious man shrugged.

"Maybe you're not dreaming," said the man. "I'm no expert."

(I personally liked it with the last line better, but this makes it an actual joke...sorta.)

--------------------------------

Mary stepped before Jeffery and declared: "There's a reason why I've been acting funny lately."

"Funny?" asked Jeffery, as he limped closer to where Mary sat.

"Yes," said Mary, "you know...leaving the house at all hours, not being available, acting strangely. There's a reason for that."

"Which would be?" asked Jeffery.

"That I took a second job," said Mary, "in order to pay for this."

From out of a lovely suede purse, Mary pulled forth an ivory comb. It was the fanciest comb Jeffery had ever seen. And yet...

"A comb?" asked Jeffery. "But I don't have any hair. On account of the radiation. For the leg cancer."

"I know," said Mary, "which is why I sold all of my own combs. To pay for this."

With that, Mary pulled out a large wig: "Here's a wig. For your bald head. You can use the comb on it."

"This is ironic!" exclaimed Jeffery. "For I just sold all of the hair that I lost during the radiation treatments to pay for this..."

Jeffery removed a pair of diamond earrings from out of a velvet case.

"But I have no earlobes," said Mary, somewhat sadly. "On account of that car crash last year."

"And this wig looks ridiculous on me," said Jeffery, before a mirror. "We both truly fucked up."

Jeffery and Mary contemplated what had just happened.

(Ok, this one cannot be salvaged.)

--------------------------------

It was a few months later and Mary stepped before Jeffery to declare: "There's a reason why I've been acting funny lately."

"Again?" asked Jeffery, as he positioned his wheelchair closer to where Mary sat. "Why now?"

"I took on a third job," said Mary. "In order to pay for this."

Mary pulled from out of a paper bag a handful of...what was it? Jeffery was not quite sure.

"What is that?" asked Jeffery, touching the space where his legs used to be, lo so many months before. "It's bizarre looking."

"Fake feet," said Mary. "To be attached to your legs."

"But I have no legs," said Jeffery, standing before a mirror. "On account of that cancer."

"Woops," said Mary.

"And these feet are made out of cheese," said Jeffery.

"The job doesn't pay much," said Mary, sitting down. "My bad."

Again, Jeffery and Mary contemplated what had just happened.

(Again, this one cannot be salvaged.)

So, I guess I could salvage them to an extent, but...well...I guess I didn't really have a point. lol