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Supernatural Taisen (Megacrossover) (Update!)

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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-21 09:45pm 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
Title: Supernatural Taisen
Author: majingojira
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Megacrossover. Told from the perspective of Stargate SG-1, but involves at least a dozen other series and several dozen more get commentary notes or cameo appearances. Think League of Extraordinary Gentlemen or Super Robot Wars (which is the direct inspiration for this).
Characters: “Jack O’Neill is the PC for this game”
Disclaimer: This is me trying to write again. All references are to characters currently under copyright. The holder is not me. I'd mention everyone involved, but that'd take to long. However, some writers request specific disclaimer. Here they are: “The Dresden Files/Codex Alera is copyright Jim Butcher. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction.”
Others will be added as they are necessary.
Summary: After a hundred years of buildup, the world prepares for a massive Supernatural War. Alliances are made as the darkest of enemies rise to confront them.

Note: Because of the shared universe nature of the Crossovers, and in homage to Super Robot Wars, the series actually have an effect on each other—in some cases, greatly. Sometimes, Everything You Know is Wrong (with comic characters, it most certainly is). Other times, things remain rather the same, but please, assume nothing. Heck, I’m going to assume that no one knows anything about the series involved and go from there, though basic knowledge of the chosen series at the start is required. The changes made are (usually) deliberate and serve a plot purpose, so please don’t complain about the changes unless you feel it threatens the very core of the concepts the series involves. In such a case, feel free to bitch away, I just might listen.

This fic is also an experiment in multi-media storytelling, so do not be frightened by the links. They are not meant to be cop outs in description, but musical suggestions for the reading.

*

The 20th Century was a time of terror and monstrosities. During the Second World War, several major powers desperately raced for advantages over their enemies. They created superhuman warriors, exploring every fringe science, hired costumed vigilantes as mercenaries, crossed dimensions in search of aid, tried to resurrect ancient civilizations or made pacts with demonic beings in an effort to win. As the century progressed, the fruits of their labor bore rotten fruit as Atomic Power created horrific, monstrous mutations that threatened the world.

The 1950s and 1960s were punctuated with their attacks, as well as aggressive alien refugees seeking to subjugate earth and the first inklings of a dimension previously unknown even to the most ardent occult scholars: the Wired, a place where electronic information lived and breathed.

Because of its history, Japan became a prime target for many of these horrors, forcing the Japanese Self Defense Force to explore strange options for dealing with the attacks. In 1963 the JSDF requisitioned an advanced submarine, the Gotengo, to combat a threat from remnants of a people calling themselves the Mu. This weapon caused an uproar amongst some military men in the United States as it verged close to violating the treaty they signed after World War II. 1965 saw the heavy use of it as several monsters appeared across the South Pacific that called for the burrowing/flying submarine's use. These incidents provided an excuse for the re-militarization of Japan, but the US began to think of counters, commissioning a competing submarine subbed Seaview built as a check against it.

The 1970s saw resurgence in the power of magic for the first time since the end of the Occult Wars in 1958 when Adolf Hitler died. Across the world: detectives; reporters; and even the odd costumed vigilante turned to the occult for aid or for combating the forces of evil. This trend started small but soon ballooned into phenomena that gained scientific attention in the 1980s.

The 1970s also saw the Japanese Military develop a new power source which proved difficult to produce, but absolutely vital for their national defense: the Nekketsu Engine. It ran on a new form of energy, dubbed Getter Rays. However, they seemed to be tied to the willpower of the pilot, hence the name. This engine, combined with specifically built combat frames made from a rare mineral they dubbed Sakuradite (which the outside world called Vibranium) were constructed just in time to combat the world’s first full supernatural war against a race of reptilian humanoids who once inhabited the earth. These Serpent Men launched a series of terrorist attacks against Japan and Southern Asia.

Russian High Command remained skeptical of the entire incident, and thought it was the Americans and Japanese testing them. The soldiers they sent to “test” the American and Japanese forces, however, discovered the true horrors involved, and often aiding all of humanity against the mutual threat. These incidents were never reported to the high command, as the first few to do so found themselves removed from duty.

The Silurians were defeated thanks in part due to the combined efforts of UNIT and the sacrifice of pilot Musashi Benki, who detonated the Nekketsu Engine of his jet, leveling the Silurian’s home base. Peace, however, did not follow, as demonic hordes who claimed only to serve a being their language called “The Great Enemy” began to appear. Also at this time, the most sought after lost relic from the so-called ancient empires arose to fight them, as well as other independent agents. This war ended in 1976, when the ancient technology disappeared along with the demons. The end of this war of saw the near total abandonment of Sakuradite Armor Frames, and the Nekketsu Engines were mothballed as their repercussions began to manifest themselves, and the destructive power of a detonated Nekketsu Engine was revealed to conservative military personnel in the United States government who called these detonating engines a violation of the peace treaty. Thus, the engines were dismantled. Japan fell into an economic depression (as well as one of national morale) for a period afterwords.

When the armors were silenced, the monstrous wars ended; with many military personnel believed the Nekketsu Engines were responsible for the uprisings. In fact, they were unrelated. Their true effect was later documented in 1989 by Dr. Egon Spengler, after encounter a natural outbreak of the same occurrence. Nekketsu Engines, it turned out, leaked a psycho-reactive substance that later caused the manifestation of uncontrollable entities frequently called Ghosts or Demons by those who do not know better. Dr. Spengler as well as his colleagues Dr. Peter Venkman and Dr. Ray Stanz managed to find and correlate date on the substance they called Ectoplasm, but since their findings were so tied to the Nekketsu Engine incident, much of their findings were discredited or outright blocked. They took to a private sector use of their findings, and had great success in New York, but were not taken seriously elsewhere.

For a time, the planet enjoyed relative peace on the surface, whilst in the underworld, monsters began to gather again and costumed vigilantes began to crack under the various pressures they exposed themselves too. It seemed to begin when the Ghostbusters formed, and a mysterious woman gathered a small group of preternatural allies to defend herself against her Father at the start of the 1980s. Even the great Cthulhu stirred in this time, and a being claiming to be the “primary” Dracula was thought slain by the decade’s end. By 1991, the Federal Bureau of Investigations set up a small unit to investigate overt Paranormal Activity that UNIT did not claim jurisdiction over. The incidents became greater and greater, with the discovery of new and dangerous species such as Graboids and Gargoyles, as well as a covert war for control of the mythic Wired. These incidents, however, went largely unnoticed by the public at large due not just to the intervention of the US Government and the actions of some occult organizations with an interest in keeping humanity in the dark, but as well as humanity’s own capacity for self deception and general stupidity. So great was this combination, that few people outside of the directly affected areas even know about the beings involved, and even then, there are some who still do not believe.

Until 1998, when the King of Monsters returned, as it seemed to herald a new Age of Monsters across the world. Several major cities were damaged in the course of several years, with almost every continent seeing a monster or two. New York City had sections of it rendered a “No Man’s Land” for over a year due to the appearance of a monstrosity called King Ghidorah. These events seemed to climax when the monster was trapped under Antarctica in 2002 whilst embattled with the abominations created by a teenage girl corrupted and guided by lost technology. Combined with a severe attack by Data Life Forms following the worldwide communications blackout that came to be called “The Bable Event” it all but seemed to be the End of the World. But with Godzilla trapped under the earth’s crust and a full year without the appearance of a single giant monster on a major city, the world breathed a sigh of relief. Newly elected President of the United States, David Xanatos, looked forward to a bright future for his country and his family.

And he saw storm-laden clouds.

SUPERNATURAL TAISEN
{{New Game}}
{{Options}}


{{Character Select}}
{{Harry Dresden}}
{{Jack O’Neill}}

{{Mission Select}}
Mission 01: The Gate of Revelation
Part 1, Part 2
Mission 02: The Lost City
Mission 03: Tempting Fate
Mission 04: The Song That Is Forbidden
Interlude: Stargate Command
Part 1, Part 2
Mission 05: The Hellhound of New York
Interlude II: Friends
Part 1, Part 2
Mission 06: The Terrible Predator Part 1
Mission 07: The Terrible Predator Part 2
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Interlude 3: Sheltered a.k.a. The Interlude of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 1
Mission 08: Magical Malady At Mahora
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
Mission 09: Return of the Monsters
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
Mission 10: Dark History
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Upgrade Screen 1

Mission 11: Reinvigoration
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5
Mission 12: ???
Prologue

Extras:
Music Select
Historic Timeline Information

Last edited by Majin Gojira on 2011-08-04 12:46pm, edited 41 times in total.
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Vehrec
PostPosted: 2009-03-22 10:39am 

Jedi Council Member


Joined: 2006-04-22 12:29pm
Posts: 2204
Location: The Ohio State University
I hereby claim this thread as my graduation present. I also support playing this game in Co-op mode, even if that does ramp up the difficulty like they say on the GameFAQs board.
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Mutant Headcrab
PostPosted: 2009-03-22 12:03pm 

Jedi Knight


Joined: 2003-01-28 10:40pm
Posts: 861
Location: Black Mesa Research Facility ruins
I say we pick Jack O'Neil as our starting character. From what I hear, his combat skills are great starting off and he's got the best dialogue with other characters. Plus it gets us Teal'c right off the bat and that is quite awesome. :D
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-23 07:37am 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
Plus, I heard you can unlock Guile (or was it Charlie?) only in his route. (please?) :mrgreen:
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Ford Prefect
PostPosted: 2009-03-24 02:52am 

Emperor's Hand


Joined: 2005-05-16 04:08am
Posts: 8254
Location: The real number domain
Haha, oh wow. President David Xanatos? :lol:
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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-24 10:45am 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
Dr. Daniel Jackson was having a rough day. It started bad and the tasks he had that day only made it worse. The night before, he had a nightmare. A flashback to be more specific. His continued research on the Ancients had brought it up. It was in that Stargate Command’s view on the Ancient’s changed-- for it was there that they met one. Rather, the Ancients who were Ancient to the Ancient.

It turned out that even though the Goa’uld built on top of the ruins of the Ancients. The Ancients had in turn built on top of an older civilization. This civilization was also not native to Earth and their physical structure was even more alien than that of the Re-Tu. Jack nicknamed them Starfish because of their vaguely starfish-shaped heads. They were almost a chimerical abomination of invertebrate sea-life with parts from coral, octopuses, clams, coral and (of course) starfish.

Unlike the Ancients, who appear to have disappeared in some unknown calamity, the Starfish died out slowly from wars of attrition with other alien forces that appeared on earth until the Ancient’s delivered the final blow. Translating their language was almost impossible because these beings communicated only half of their thoughts with sounds. The other half was done with ultraviolet color shifts which they incorporated into their written language. The ancients had a translation of the Starfish’s language, but it was still a translation of a translation. Not the best source of information. And even then, the use of proper nouns among these Starfish beings displayed in full how alien they truly were.

In their language, they appeared to use a combination of the words “feral” and “food” to describe native life on earth. Other races that the Starfish said to have encountered included such wonderful names as: “Mind-Time Travelers”; “Flying Polyps”; “Tentacle Faces”; and “Fungus from Ort Cloud”.

The revelations of the finds there had re-written what they knew. It appeared that the Ancients weren’t the Gate builders after all, it was the Starfish. The Ancients did build gates and built better ones, but they only seem to have co-opted and refined the technology of these Elder Things. The Elder Things, it appeared, were preoccupied with genetic engineering more than interstellar travel. Only a select few outside the SGC knew that many of the Kaiju that appeared during the Babel Event were the products of the Starfish’s technology.

But it wasn’t those thoughts that brought him nightmares. No, it was when they found what they thought was the frozen body of a Starfish.

As it turned out, it wasn’t dead. While the team excavated it, the creature began to move. When it finally unthawed and started walking around without any ill effects, Daniel attempted to communicate with it.

Emphasis on "attempted."

Nothing got through. The creature didn’t acknowledge anyone there any more than one would a beetle scurrying nearby. It explored its environment well enough, but regarded humans as much as a human would regard furniture. Jack kept the creature secluded while Daniel wasn’t trying to communicate with it.

The first night there, it broke out of its cell, found a soldier and proceeded to tear him open. Daniel found the body first. He was splayed out and his organs had been systematically pulled out of his body—but were still connected to it on each end. The organs and even blood vessels were all pulled from his body which made him look like a bow that had been pulled right. The Starfish hadn’t disemboweled the soldier. It had dissected him with all the patience of a scientist and the apathy of a Biology student dissecting a frog.

As Daniel vomited at the sight, Jack emptied a P-90 into it. It took the full clip to put it down, but it went down without a sound and leaked a thick black ichor as it fell. Daniel looked up from the former contents of his stomach to see the ichor twitch and yaw with a hundred different organs and appendages before it clenched and fell dead.

That ichor and the investigation into those ruins continued to haunt him, especially since he had to do research into that incident in order to counter Anubis’ own research. He could only hope that the information was as taxing on Anubis’ mind as it was on his. Somehow. But at least he understood now why the mountains near the site were called “The Mountains of Madness.”

To have a day start like that would throw anyone off their game. And today was a big day as he had been given the task of guiding not just the President around the base, but the Director of UNIT and a representative from the JSDF. With General Hammond away, the future of the SGC could very well be in his hands.

And Col. Jack O’Neill was going to help him.

Good lord, Jack was going to help him.


Jack and Daniel stood just outside the Elevator that led to the top level of the SGC. If all things went well, they’d still have their jobs by day’s end. If not, the entire SGC might be folded into UNIT or another organization. Apparently, there were at least 4 other organizations in the United States alone that dealt with more ‘extreme’ phenomena. Partly because of the Babel event, these organizations spent more time tripping over themselves than helping with the crisis. SG-1 ended up trapped on the Alpha site for a month because of it and as such missed on most of the chaos. Apparently, communication outside of direct curriers had been cut off by some of the technology the Starfish had invented. People hung together and managed to pull through, but the government non-response was a complete embarrassment. In the end, the person responsible for the event was stopped by a group of teenagers who won a science contest, a few Navy SEALS who the kids had rescued and, if the story is to be believed, Godzilla.

This embarrassment was so bad that David Xanatos had won on a platform to re-organize the military to prevent such a thing from happening again.

At least he was keeping his campaign promises.

“Relax Daniel,” Jack patted his friend on the back, “They can’t be as bad as Kinsey.”

Daniel turned to him, “Even though Kinsey’s the Vice President?”

Jack took a loud inhale, “At least we’ll go down fighting.”

At which point the elevator doors opened. Jack was taken aback by the figures within; because there were four, not three.

“Good morning, Mr. President,” Jack said, before turning to the other two tall figures in the elevator, “Lieutenant, Director.”

“Good morning, Colonel O’Neill, Dr. Jackson,” Xanatos answered. He was a tall man, with a cleanly cut beard and impeccably dressed. Jack found him even smugger than his campaign commercials made him out to be.

To his right was JSDF representative Lieutenant Tetsuya Tsurugi. Almost as tall as Xanatos, but with graying hair, Lt. Tsurugi carried himself in a way that reminded Jack of himself. Firmly, but loose enough to not appear rigid or uptight. In his right hand he had a strange, reinforced metal briefcase with the JSDF Ground Logo on the side of it—a stylized, radiating version of the famous Rising Sun of Japan.

To Xanatos’ left was the Director of UNIT, Hyppolita Trevor. She was the tallest of the three, wore a white business suit and was built like a Green Beret. Her body stood almost in contrast with her face, which was soft, warm and highlighted by an accepting smile.

And then there was the fourth figure: a 4ft tall Japanese girl who couldn’t be more than 10 years old in a white dress.

“So, is this ‘bring your daughter to work’ day?” Jack said.

Holding the girl’s hand, Director Trevor moved her forward. The girl readied herself with a blink and said “Hello, I am Time-Space Administration Bureau Civilian Liaison Nanoha Takamachi. It is nice to meet you.” Nanoha then bowed slightly before reaching for the red the red jewel at the center of her simple necklace and added, “And this is Raising Heart.”

“Hello,” the jewel blinked a pink light and spoke in a voice that could be best described as a smoother feminine version of Stephen Hawking’s computer.

There was an audible pause before Jack spoke again: “So is this ‘bring your daughter to work’ day?’”

“Colonel O’Neill,” Lt. Tsurugi said, “one of the things I hope to accomplish is an even flow of information between the JSDF and the SGC. Inspector General Yuki Misaki believes that we should reciprocate at least in some way. Ms. Takamachi represents one of the allies we have made in space.”

Daniel leaned down to Nanoha, “Where are you from, Nanoha?”

“Chiba, Japan.” She answered.

Daniel blinked.

“Like I said,” Nanoha kept a cheerful smile on her face, “I’m only a representative. Raising Heart is from their home world though: Mid-Childa.”

“Yes,” the Jewel said, “I am here to facilitate the transfer of data as well as act as a translator since Lt. Tsurugi nor Nanoha have a complete mastery of the English language.”

Nanoha blushed and Tsurugi stance grew even more rigid. The heavy silence that accompanied this was broken first by a warm chuckle from Director Trevor, “Whatever gets the job done, I suppose.”

Director Trevor’s calming voice did little to halt the nervous red coloration that grew in Nanoha’s face. Tsurugi remained calm despite this.

“At any rate, I’ve also brought some samples of some of our reverse-engineered Alien technology. We generally refer to these technologies as METEOR.” Lt. Tsurugi said as he motioned to the briefcase he carried.

“Please, plug me in,” Raising Heart announced, “So I may begin file transfer and comparison.”

Jack smiled and waved a hand to guide the group, “I guess that makes our first stop the lab.”

Though the phrase was quickly said, the actual almost a half an hour. Terabytes of data tends to have that effect, even if it was to an external system and not the mainframe. It wasn’t that the storage device couldn’t handle it, but that the transfer medium was not quite up to par.

The visiting quartet got a full briefing on the Stargate network and their current understanding of the political situation deep in space. The Goa’uld System lord Anubis was rising in power and had already shown aggression towards earth. It was likely that if the situation in space continued on course, he would mount an assault on earth. With only a single space vessel and only a dozen or so fighters constructed, even with several other nations in league, there was little chance of success.

Still, at least now they had a chance. But that could easily change with Anubis’ using Ascendant knowledge to track down Ancient Technology.

Cross-referencing data between the groups revealed some interesting new bits of information. The JSDF had apparently had direct contact with surviving ancients. They called themselves the Mu or simply “Mulians” and by appearances the legendary cities of Atlantis, Lemuria and Mu (their capitol) were all part of their civilization. The Space-Time Administration Bureau believed they obliterated themselves in something they refer to “World Tuning.” Apparently, they’d seen at least three civilizations obliterate themselves almost completely, leaving only dangerous artifacts lying around. They called the most dangerous of these “Lost Logia.”

The fact that Anubis was actively looking for Lost Logia had gotten their attention in this Galaxy, making it the second extra-galactic race to land on earth.

Or the third, Jack couldn’t keep it straight.

Nor could Jack really follow the conversation that sprang up between Nanoha and Major Samantha Carter, with Raging Heart providing the technical details. Though upon hearing the word “Magic” struck his ears he couldn’t help but ask: “Magic?”

“Yes,” Nanoha said, “Magic.”

Raising Heart then elaborated and Jack tuned out again. There was something about Dark Matter and Quantum something or other in there, but after a moment it was pretty clear that Carter was the only one keeping up with the conversation. He could try to understand it, but as far as he was considered, it just meant “Exotic Power Source” and possible “strange effects.”

Nanoha, it seemed, was taking the same option when she said, “I just know the math to make it work. I don’t fully understand where the power comes from other than a part of me that’s not really in phase with the rest of reality.”

“Still,” Carter knelt down Nanoha’s eye level, “knowing that is very impressive at your age.”

Carter was always good with kids.

Eventually, the tour found itself in the Gateroom after they watched SG-10 return at which point President Xanatos asked for a closer look. After the room was cleared of non-essential personnel, Xanatos got his wish.

“So this is a fully functioning Stargate,” Director Trevor’s next sentence caught Jack and Daniel’s full attention as it contained the phrase “I haven’t seen once since I last visited Themys—” but it was cut off.

“Warning!” Raising Heart said, “Dimensional Rift in Formation 30ft from current location.”

The lights in the Gateroom dimmed, the Chevron’s flashed several times in rapid succession as a glowing circle of arcane runes (which Daniel recognized easily as Sanskrit) formed just in front of the Stargate. It’s red and black light casting the room in a sickening glow.

“Mr. President,” Jack said, “I think it’s best we get you and your friends to a secure location.”

Several Gateroom security members put themselves between the President and the strange glowing symbol. The turrets locked onto the circle.

It shimmered as four figures stepped out of the rift.

Three of the figures were strange, light blue, rounded and oblong rectangles with three jewel-like devices on its face. Several red wire-like appendages sprouted from the top and bottom of the devices. He’d never seen anything like them before. One hovered above the central figure, while the other two flanked it.

He didn’t know what these machines were, but he knew the central one well. It was a recent addition to Anubis’ arsenal, but it had made an indelible impression on the Galaxy.

It was a Kull Warrior.

{{Mission 1}}
"The Gate of Revelations"

Last edited by Majin Gojira on 2011-03-06 05:34pm, edited 6 times in total.
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FA Xerrik
PostPosted: 2009-03-24 04:11pm 

Padawan Learner


Joined: 2007-12-14 10:30pm
Posts: 302
Location: Chamberlain's Tomb
I don't get all the references, but it's great to see you weave together so many different settings. Some of it feels a little forced, but I'm sure that's due in part to how early in the story it is. I noticed several grammatical errors of varying severity, if you need a beta reader or anything I'd be happy to volunteer. I like it so far, even if I don't get it all, so keep going!
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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-24 06:17pm 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
FA Xerrik wrote:
I don't get all the references, but it's great to see you weave together so many different settings. Some of it feels a little forced, but I'm sure that's due in part to how early in the story it is. I noticed several grammatical errors of varying severity, if you need a beta reader or anything I'd be happy to volunteer. I like it so far, even if I don't get it all, so keep going!


Sorry, Just wanted to get the next chapter out ASAP to try and get past the ricockulous setup and assure readers that "Yes, I won't abandon this story" that I didn't get a chance to go over it as thuroughly.

I'd love to have a beta of some sort for this. Simply because I've never attempted anything this big.
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Ford Prefect
PostPosted: 2009-03-24 10:03pm 

Emperor's Hand


Joined: 2005-05-16 04:08am
Posts: 8254
Location: The real number domain
I must admit, when Nanoha stepped into the picture I laughed.
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-24 11:23pm 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
Three Gadget Drones and a Kull Warrior? This won't end well.

Quick character rundown:

O'neil, Jackson, Carter - Stargate SG-1, natch.
David Xanatos - Gargoyles. Rich businessman and all-around Magnificent Bastard. TV Tropes named a whole index after him.
Hyppolita Trevor - DC Comics. Daughter of Steve Trevor and Diana a.k.a Wonder Woman. At least, that's the best I could find.
Tetsuya Tsurugi - Mazinger series. Pilot of the Super Robot Great Mazinger. Used to this kinda thing, considering he's in damn near every Super Robot Wars game there is.
Nanoha Takamichi, a.k.a... - Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. Imagine a Gundam reincarnated as a Magical Girl. Very mature for her age, and takes her job seriously.
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Darth Yoshi
PostPosted: 2009-03-25 02:03am 

Metroid


Joined: 2002-07-04 10:00pm
Posts: 7314
Location: San Francisco
So, DC Amazons are descendants of the Alterans? Dunno if you plan on including the Ori is this, but I'll call SG Ancients Alterans anyway, to avoid confusion with the starfish Ancients.
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Ford Prefect
PostPosted: 2009-03-25 04:08am 

Emperor's Hand


Joined: 2005-05-16 04:08am
Posts: 8254
Location: The real number domain
SAMAS wrote:
Very mature for her age, and takes her job seriously.


This is one of those statements that, while technically correct, is also a massive understatement. That said, the presence of Gadget Drones implies the involvement of Jail Spaghetti, who is pretty goddamn broken as far as mages go. And still on this note, Little Miss Bikini Atoll in a Dress here is just about the right person to test how much energy Kull armour can absorb before it fails. :)
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-25 08:08pm 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
Okay, I'll elaborate:

Every day she voluntarily wakes up at 4:30 AM and practices her magic for two hours before her day is supposed to even begin. At school, she mentally creates virtual combat scenarios, and even uses her schoolwork for further mental training.

What this means is that she does her math work, for example, by working out two equations simultaneously, while basically running a combat simulator in her mind at the same time.

When she goes home, if she doesn't have extra classes or chores, guess what she's doing? Training again until dusk. After that, it's homework, and if she has time, speed and manuverability training 'til about 8:30, then she goes to bed.

Oh, and she does this while under a constant power drain from Raging Heart.

Manga chapter in question, if you don't believe me.

In short, you can probably expect SG-1's jaws on the floor by the end of next chapter.
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Vehrec
PostPosted: 2009-03-25 09:29pm 

Jedi Council Member


Joined: 2006-04-22 12:29pm
Posts: 2204
Location: The Ohio State University
I'll hazard a guess that Jack won't stand for that if they work together on a long term basis. He's a guy who appreciates the importance of recreation in creating a healthy and balanced mind. There will be fun and games, even if they have to be made mandatory. :mrgreen:
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 12:13am 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
That's one of the reasons I voted for Jack's route: He's gonna be like Snake's Codecs in Brawl. :)
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 10:37am 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
Considering that the TSAB sent Nanoha only, I think it's a safe bet that they consider this to be a somewhat low-level(I don't think that's the right word) mission, probably something they could use to give her some diplomacy experience. With this attack however, I could see them sending Chrono next, and maybe Amy too. If it's just Chrono alone, I can see Jack wondering where the hell are the TSAB's adults. Cue transmission from Lindy.

Also, it would seem that the TSAB is unaware of the mages already on Earth (Dresden/Negima/etc..., which I assume would be the kickoff point for Harry's route). Which again, will proabably annoy Jack to no end that he's having to do a First Contact mission on his own planet. In this case, I would suggest the merging points be the Kyoto trip, where the TSAB detects the unsealing of Sukuna (big Kaiju-sized Demon), with possible complications from an actual Kaiju, or the Volkritter (Nanoha A's' "bad guys"), who see a target too juicy to pass up. I would also suggest that Chigusa be a pawn of the Nazi guys, who want to use her to plunder Mahora or the rest of the Negima mages under the cover of the demon's rampage. Nanoha (and possibly Fate and/or Chrono) and the others are sent to deal with it, and get in a three- or four-way battle. When Negi and Evangeline show up, deal with the demon, and grab Chigusa (possibly giving the Volkritter the opportunity to strike), alarm bells start going off at the TSAB and SGC about the presence of undocumented mages and magics. Cue a Route split.

For the uninitiated, a Route Split is basically the moments in the story when two or more situations come up, and the heroes have to split their forces. The player then gets to choose which group their viewpoint character joins, and follows the adventure with them. At the end of that adventure, the two teams come back together, often both larger with the addition of new heroes they picked up on the way, debrief each other on what they encountered (and who the new guys are), and continue on their way.

In one, the TSAB tries to initiate contact with the mages in Japan (Negima/Nanoha/whatever else you have in mind), while in the other, the BPRD/SGC starts combing their own backyard (Gargoyles, Buffy, et al). UNIT and Hellsing can get involved as needed on either route.

You know, I think I have to stop, or else I'm gonna end up plotting half the story myself.
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FA Xerrik
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 12:58pm 

Padawan Learner


Joined: 2007-12-14 10:30pm
Posts: 302
Location: Chamberlain's Tomb
Yeah boy, don't leave anything for the author to do :)

And ah MG, if you're interested still in a beta reader, should I PM you my e-mail? Or can PMs hold a chapter themselves?
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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 01:45pm 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
FA Xerrik wrote:
Yeah boy, don't leave anything for the author to do :)


I don't mind speculation. Especially the kind that I know is Jossed before it's even commited to paper. Which, I won't say. :twisted:

Though I'm surprised that the minor, hinted series haven't been picked up yet. I thought that one reference was about as subtle as the Goldion Hammer, but no one's mentioned it yet.

And then there's Xanatos...

Quote:
And ah MG, if you're interested still in a beta reader, should I PM you my e-mail? Or can PMs hold a chapter themselves?


So far they are not that long, so I'll probabnly send them in PM.
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 02:06pm 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
I'll Beta too.
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SITB
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 07:39pm 

Redshirt


Joined: 2008-10-14 12:04pm
Posts: 17
Can someone clarify what does that little tidbit allude to:

Majin Gojira wrote:
Apparently, communication outside of direct curriers had been cut off by some of the technology the Starfish had invented. People hung together and managed to pull through, but the government non-response was a complete embarrassment. In the end, the person responsible for the event was stopped by a group of teenagers who won a science contest, a few Navy SEALS who the kids had rescued and, if the story is to be believed, Godzilla.


Cause I get the hilarious and inappropriate picture of some captured villian muttering: "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. And Godzilla."
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Vehrec
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 08:00pm 

Jedi Council Member


Joined: 2006-04-22 12:29pm
Posts: 2204
Location: The Ohio State University
Old Godzilla books, I've read the one in question. They were alright, but I wasn't too fond of them. A certain author with a fondness for things big and very dark green seems to incorperate them into any megacrossover he likes.
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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-26 08:37pm 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
SITB wrote:
Can someone clarify what does that little tidbit allude to:

Majin Gojira wrote:
Apparently, communication outside of direct curriers had been cut off by some of the technology the Starfish had invented. People hung together and managed to pull through, but the government non-response was a complete embarrassment. In the end, the person responsible for the event was stopped by a group of teenagers who won a science contest, a few Navy SEALS who the kids had rescued and, if the story is to be believed, Godzilla.


Cause I get the hilarious and inappropriate picture of some captured villian muttering: "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. And Godzilla."


Certainly. It is an oblique reference to a series of Randomhous Godzilla novels published 'round the very late 90s/turn of the millenium. Specifically, this one refers to the 3rd in the series, Godzilla at World's End. It's a okay series, nothing spectacular. The popcorn books, if you will.

There's a reason I chose this continuity over the other Godzilla continuities (all, what, 20 of them?). The reason has to do with the Starfish folk.

In other words, it's the only non-comic continuity where Godzilla gets a legit, published Crossover.

The newest chapter has youtube links to various music backgrounds for the characters for the full SRW-type experience. If you think doing that is a bad idea/it sucks, the will be removed and no longer used. Otherwise, each 'theme' will only be used once or in highly appropriate moments only. I think it's a fun idea, but that doesn't mean squat in the grand scheme of things.

Last edited by Majin Gojira on 2009-03-27 11:53am, edited 1 time in total.
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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-27 11:20am 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
Alarm klaxons sounded as the Anubis Drone raised its arm and pointed its wrist-mounted blaster towards the group Jack had lead to the Gateroom.

More specifically, he pointed it at Nanoha.

No other thought crossed his mind. Years of training kicked in as Jack acted.

Nanoha grasped onto Raising Heart and uttered the first syllable of its name as Jack wrapped one arm around the girl and hefted her off the ground. He turned his back to the Kull Warrior, placing himself between the horror and the girl, fully expecting to hear the repeating electrical crack of the repeating blaster amidst the storm of bullets.

Instead he heard the distinct sound of energy weapons being deflected off an energy barrier—something akin to a lit fuse in tone.

The bolts arced themselves towards Hyppolita’s crooked arms, they burned off the forearms of her suit, revealing metallic bracers which let loose sparks as the bolts struck and dissipated against them.

“Everyone out!” she commanded. The turret guns were abandoned almost instantly as the room evacuated. They had managed to destroy one of the machines and damage the other, but the third had disappeared shortly after it had traced a line of light across the Kull Warrior’s back.

Hyppolita covered the exit as the last soldier left the room, the bolts all attracted to her forearms where they dissipated harmlessly. She then dove out of the room as the heavy metal doors of the Gateroom slammed shut. The odd group continued to move down the hall as Daniel’s suggestion. The door wouldn’t hold the Kull Warrior for very long.

In Jack’s arm, Nanoha squirmed slightly and said, “Th-thank you Colonel O’Neill, but could you put me down please?”

Before Jack could respond, Raising Heart sparked again. “Warning, dimensional rift unstable. Subject of transfer suffered severe genetic damage. Approximate time for violent mutation to manifest: three minutes.”

“Alright,” Jack said “Director Trevor, there’s a safe-room two floors up. Get the President and Nanoha up there.”

“It’s your show,” she said as Jack put Nanoha down.

Raising Heart then announced: “Standby Read. Set Up.

In a pink flash, Nanoha’s outfit changes suddenly. It remained white, but blue highlights, frills and a red bow now adorned the ensemble. Her sleeves ended in blue highlights and black, fingerless gloves were now on her hands. She also held a white staff with pink endpoints and a large red jewel inside a golden crescent atop it.

It then stated “Shooting Mode” and the crescent turned into an elongated “U” shape.

“No,” Nanoha did not stomp a foot on the ground like an angry child, arms and body giving their full weight to frustrations, she simply stepped forward with such firmness and power that it sounded like she put her full weight into it-- if she had weighed 300 pounds. “I’m going to help stop it.”

“What-NO!” Jack shouted. “I’m not sending a 10 year old girl into combat!”

“You’re not. I’m just going.” Nanoha answered.

“Don’t get smart--”

“Please let me help!”

As they argued, a red tentacle bore its way through the steel door and began to reach for the nearest electronic interface.

Director Trevor boomed, “We don’t have time for this. I’m getting the President out of there. Stall the attacker as long as you can.”

Lt. Tsurugi opened his briefcase and pulled out a large, orange-highlighted pistol with a thick revolver-like cylinder where an automatic pistol would discharge spent shells.

“I have a few tricks for that,” He said, turned the cylinder until a blue light shown on the top. He aimed the pistol in front of the armored door fired a blue flare-like projectile.

The projectile reached the start of the door before it expanded into an octagonal blue cage that blocked the hall completely.

“The point is simple,” Director Trevor asked, “Who here has weapons?” She then turned with Xanatos in hand and headed for the safe room at what Jack guessed to be 30 miles an hour from a standing position. Xanatos did not realize he was being carried until they already rounded a corner.

Jack would have looked down for a moment had Teal’c not rushed into his frame of reference carrying a P-90 and a Staff Weapon.

“O’Neill,” he said, handing the earth weapon to his comrade before asking “why is there a little girl here?”

Jack made a few quick hand motions and said, “Daniel, get her out of here.”

Before Daniel began to move, Raising Heart stated “Root” accompanied with a minor flash of pink from Nanoha’s feet as Tetsuya, Teal’c and Jack took defensive cover. When Daniel tried to move her, she was as immobile as granite.

“Um, Jack.” Daniel said, “She’s stuck.”

“Stuck?” Jack said.

“I’m sorry, Colonel O’Neill, but you can’t stop me from helping you.” Nanoha’s voice had no hint of anger in it, but was as hard and cold as solid steel.

“At least take cover!” Jack yelled.

“Do not worry,” Raising Heart answered, “I will protect her.”

O’Neill grimaced and focused his attention to the Gateroom door where he saw the tentacle working the control lock.

“Don’t shoot unless the Capture Cube barrier falls,” Lt. Tsurugi said, “it’s designed to reflect both incoming and outgoing attacks to their source.”

“Okay, good to know. How long will it remain up?” Jack took the safety off the P-90.

“One minute or less depending stress,” Lt. Tsurugi answered.

Jack grimaced but didn’t have time to argue as the Gateroom door opened. The surviving drone and Kull Warrior stepped through the doorway. A pair of soldiers covered Daniel’s exist as the others hugged the wall, leaving Nanoha open in the hall.

“This enemy,” Nanoha asked, “What does it want?”

“The Kull Warriors follows Anubis’ orders unerringly,” Teal’c answered, “Whatever Anubis orders them to do, and they will follow.”

Nanoha blinked, “They—they don’t have free will?”

“They do not.”

Jack cursed himself for being unable to get this kid out of the battlefield. ‘For crying out loud,’ he thought, ‘she’s ten years old! She shouldn’t even be in here!’

Nanoha took a stabilizing breath before calling out, “Warrior! Tell me what you want! Why are you attacking us?”

The Warrior did not respond.

“If you do not stop and explain yourself,” Nanoha continued, “I will stop you.”

The drone brought two tentacles to the barrier field, tested it a few times before firing a shot at it. The blue bolt bounced off the barrier and struck the drone, destroying its face. It fell to the ground with barely a twitch.

The Kull Warrior simply walked through the field, causing it to shatter and break apart.

Jack, Tetsuya and the others opened fire for what good it did. It stepped forward and raised its arm as Teal’c opened fire, though not at the Kull Warrior, but at the ground in front of it. The blast created a small crater in the cement floor just below where the Kull Warrior’s foot. The armor and shielding of the super soldier absorbed the heat and force of the blast, as well as deflecting the shrapnel.

It did not compensate for the change in elevation. The Kull Warrior right foot twisted as it tripped and fell on its face. Depending on the severity of the injury, the Warrior would only be hampered by it for a precious few seconds at most. But in such a confrontation, every second counted.

“Restrict Lock” Raising Heart announced as pink cords wrapped themselves around the wrist blasters and held the warrior’s arms in place. It pulled against the bindings, but to no avail.

From the corner of Jack’s eye he saw another pink glow as Nanoha raised her voice, “Divine…”

The Kull Warrior attempted to stand up, but the leg it tripped on would not straighten fully without it cringing.

“BUSTER!” Nanoha shouted as a pink beam of energy thicker than a telephone pole lanced out and struck the Kull Warrior with such force that it was picked up and slammed against the end of the hall. Jack and the others stopped firing at the strange sight and just watched as the Kull Warrior was pushed into the wall, cracking the reinforced cement behind it.

When the stream of power ended, the Kull Warrior fell forward, leaving a noticeable fracture in the wall.

“Warning, target still functions,” Raising Heart announced just before the Kull Warrior moved its arms, “Let’s do it: Starlight Breaker.”

“Okay, Raising Heart,” Nanoha turned to Jack and said, “Pin him down for 10 seconds, please!”

Jack, Tsurugi, Teal’c and the remaining soldiers again opened fire. Jack kept his shots in short controlled bursts between the blasts of energy that Tsurugi and Teal’c launched. Keeping his shots close to the central mass of the Kull warrior as it stood up, one arm passed over its body. The other soldiers had taken to ‘spray and pray’ responses to the Kull Warriors in a mild panic, but Jack remained sharp.

A three round burst struck the blaster on the left arm as it rose, deforming the weapon and launching sparks into the air. Jack wondered if Nanoha’s blast had damaged the Warrior’s shielding. Its body armor remained intact, but parts of their collective shots were getting through.

The light from Nanoha’s staff grabbed Jack’s attention for just an instant. In the glimpse he gave her, he saw a sphere of pink energy gathered before her, held within a spinning circle in front of Nanoha that was bigger around that she was tall that soon filled the entire hallway, calling an end to the barrage.

“STAR LIGHT,” Nanoha shouted as she raised her staff into the air, “BREAKER!”

Nanoha brought the staff down on the sphere with all her might as it launched towards the Kull Warrior as it used its remaining strength to look up to its doom.

The hallway was enveloped in pink light for a good 13 seconds before the light dissipated. An acrid burning smell filled the hall.

When it did, the devastation was astounding. The entire hallway had been burned wider by almost 3 inches, while the hallway itself had been extended another hundred feet.

Two ports opened on Raising Heart and let out twin jets of steam.

“Target Neutralized.” Raising heart said.

At the end of the hallway, the blackened husk of the Kull Warrior dropped from the far rear of the hall almost a foot off the ground, leaving a near-person shaped mark of protected space where he once was.

Jack lowered his P-90, switching the safety back on, “Well, I guess that concludes our tour.”


{{Battle Mastery Earned}}



When the alarm ended, Xanatos turned to Director Trevor and said “I guess our theory proved itself viable, Director.”

“Did you need further verification?” Director said.

“No, but it’s always nice to be proven right. As a bonus it will help convince the last few holdouts the benefits of interaction,” Xanatos smiled, “Less people to replace that way.”

“Still, you had best be careful. Some of these people don’t take well to change.”

Xanatos’s smile grew darker as he answered, “In some cases, I’m counting on that.”



“May I ask about the bracers?” Daniel Jackson turned to Director Trevor as he guided her back to the surface, long after the others had left in an effort to prepare the team for the oncoming international assistance the other major nations had asked for upon being briefed on the Stargate program.

“Certainly,” She answered, “whether I can answer or not depends on what you ask about.”

“Okay. Judging from the effects it displayed, I assume it’s some sort of shield device.”

“Last time I heard it explained it was an electromagnetically attractive force field.”

“Okay, its design appears to be a smoother that a race called the Akonieks used.”

“Nowhere as potent, but longer lasting.”

“…Okay, may I ask where you got it.”

“Themyscira.”

“…you’re kidding right?”

“Disinformation is a wonderful tool, don’t you think?” Director Trevor chuckled slightly, “the added revenue doesn’t hurt either.”

“So, this ‘Themyscira’--”

“It’s off world. I have the gate coordinates if you want them, though I wouldn’t contact them without contacting me first.”

Daniel slowed down as the elevator drew nearer. “Okay, that’s a loaded response. You have a Stargate?”

“Sort of. It was a dedicated system, could only dial my mother’s home world. It was destroyed in the early 80s. We’ve had to use a Mulian Shuttlecraft to get there since then,” she sighed, “finally let my daughter see the homeland I suppose.”

“Muli—oh, right”

“You call them Ancients, right?”

“Force of habit mostly.”

Director Trevor nodded slightly as Daniel continued, “But what I mean is your people were seeded by the Anc—er, the Mu?”

“No.” Director Trevor looked down, “A single Mu calling himself Zeus created my people to be his own personal army and harem. My family was to be the chosen warriors of the society, mimicking the legendary hunter from Earth mythology called Slayer.”

“Ah, yes, the Slayer myth. Second only to dragons and vampires in terms of global proliferation. Still, that doesn’t sound like the Mu I’m familiar with.”

“Then consider yourself lucky so far. Japan has fended off at least three invasion attempts by remnant Mulian populations wielding super weapons of one sort or another.”

“Odd, the Mu I’m familiar with are usually Ascended.”

“Oh,” Director Trevor paused, “you really are lucky—or not, given their level of cooperation.”

“Yeah, they do like their non-interference. So why shouldn’t we contact the, er, Themyscirans?”

“Amazons.”

“Okay, so why shouldn’t we contact the Amazons?”

“Well, they haven’t heard from us in about 8 years now, and after liberating themselves from Zeus, the Goa’uld Ares tried to take over Themyscira. They buried their gate to prevent further incursions.”

At which point the pair arrived at the elevator.

“Yeah, that would pose a problem,” Daniel placed his hands in his pockets, “so are you really--?”

“No.” Director Trevor responded sharply, but her voice then softened, “I was. So was my mother. My daughter does it now.” She smiled slyly and added “Like I said, it runs in the family.”

The elevator door opened and Director Trevor stepped in, “She’ll be stopping by to help out in a few weeks as part of Xanatos’ effort for better communication amongst our various groups.”

“Let’s just hope that those visits are less eventful than yours,” Daniel said as he waved goodbye and the doors closed.

Before they finally closed, Director Trevor waved back and added “I doubt the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense representatives would mind.”



When General Hammond returned, he brought SG-1 for a briefing regarding the recent incursion. Thankfully, there was good news on all fronts. The Japanese had agreed to expand their technological assistance in exchange for the SGC aiding in the refitting of the Gotengo into a (much needed) starship. Xanatos’ move to connect the various formerly “Beyond Top Secret” organizations let them benefit from the others advances. Direct energy weapons were being installed in Prometheus that could extend the fighting time of the ship; the formerly fabled “Project Mechagodzilla” would be run on several Naquadah reactors; security had been beefed up all around and other changes.

All announced nearing Hammond’s last day as commander of the SGC. The new head, Dr Elizabeth Weir, would be arriving tomorrow. This would be one of their last debriefings together.

“It appears that Anubis is looking into a form of gate-travel that doesn’t rely directly on the gate. Possibly experimenting in the same technology that the Time-Space Administration Bureau uses,” Major Cater said.

Jack turned his head slightly to her, “You mean ‘Magic’, right?”

“Yes,” Cater sighed, “magic. However, it appears that he jumped the gun in its development. The machines and equipment passed through the rift unharmed. The organic matter of the Super Soldier was badly damaged. If Nanoha hadn’t blasted it, it would have died within another minutes. I mean—the body dissolved by the time it was taken into autopsy.”

“And the machines?” General Hammond asked.

“They were actually in the TSAB’s files,” Daniel answered, “They are called Gadget Drones. A rather common type of Mulian remote or AI weapons platform.”

“The drones survived the transport easily enough, which if likely why they were sent with the Super Soldier,” Carter said, “to report back on the success or failure of the mission. I’d be guessing it was a failure given what happened.”

“So why isn’t Anubis overrunning the base with his troops?” Hammond asked.

“Well, there are two reasons. One of which being that TSAB liaison Nanoha Takamachi placed what she called a Dimensional Barrier around the mountain which should prevent any future attempts at dimensional crossing on base. Still, that only protects the mountain, not the rest of the planet,” As Carter explained this Jack scowled slightly, “Secondly, the technology failed. It should be a while before Anubis tries it again.”

“Alright, is there anything else that needs to be talked about?” General Hammond asked.

Jack rubbed a hand at his temple, “How ‘bout Child Labor Laws?”

“I looked into that a bit,” Daniel said, “Apparently, they operate with a much faster education system and thus end up starting military recruitment age is 16—”

“For cryin’ out loud, Nanoha is a 10 year old from Earth!”

“As I was saying, apparently in cases with extremely talented mages in their forces they tend to fast-track their training if it is requested. Though it’s not a very common practice; the files they gave us indicate that there have only been a dozen in their entire history.” Daniel paused for a second before adding “and, including Nanoha, three of them will be stationed on or near earth in the coming months.”

Jack let out an annoyed grunt as he through his head back.

“When the time came,” Teal’c added, “She handled herself well in combat. We would not have stopped the Anubis Warrior without her assistance.”

Jack waved a hand dismissively, “I know—I just don’t like it.”

“Neither do I,” Carter said, “there’s no doubting her power or intelligence, but I’m not sure what effect this could have on her emotionally.”

“She seemed well aware of the power she wields,” Teal’c added, “She apparently does not like combat, but will act when needed. If she feels she can help, she will try.”

“Great,” Jack scowled.

General Hammond nodded, “For the time being we’re just going to have to accept their assistance. I don’t like it much myself, so I’d like it if you tried your best to keep those kids out of combat situations.”

“Done,” Jack answered.



“Gutten Tag” The man with glasses in the view screen aboard Anubis’ mother ship waved casually to the System Lord, “Might I inquire as to the conclusion of the mission?”

“A failure,” Anubis growled. His hood shifted slightly with his statement as he added, “the rift proved unstable, and the warrior I sent through was destabilized. Unless reports have surfaced of the demise of one of our targets, the Magic will need further refinement.”

“That is a shame,” The man’s demeanor did not change in the slightest, keeping an eerie grin upon his face, “as the President of the United States and the Director of Unit are, sad to say, alive and well. What of the drones I sent you?”

“Two were destroyed. The third provided me with data to refine the spell for future endeavors.”

“At least it was not a total loss, mein freund.”

“Indeed. Within a month, the final bugs should be removed allowing our troops to move unhindered.”

“Excellent. Then we will truly have a War to remember. Until then, System Lord.”

“Until then, Major.”

Last edited by Majin Gojira on 2010-03-27 03:28pm, edited 11 times in total.
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SAMAS
PostPosted: 2009-03-27 12:41pm 

Mecha Fanboy


Joined: 2002-10-20 09:10pm
Posts: 3908
Not bad, if a little short (The fight, I mean). I take it Mission 2 is forthcoming?

A few minor errors:

Quote:
Nanoha grasped onto Raising Heart and uttered the first syllable of its name as Jack wrapped one arm around the girl and hefted off the ground


I think this should be "hefted her off the ground"

Quote:
The bolts arced themselves towards Hyppolita’s crooked arms, though they burned off the forearms of her suit, revealing metallic bracers which let loose sparks as the bolts struck and dissipated against them./quote]

Either the "though" should be omitted, or an "only" should be inserted between "they" and "burned". Maybe both.

Also, her command in the next paragraph should probably be moved to the end of this one.

Quote:
“Alright,” Jack said “Director Trevor, there’s a safe-room two floors up. Get the President and Nanoha up there.”

“It’s you’re show,” she said as Jack put Nanoha down.


Your.

Quote:
“No,” Nanoha did not stomp a foot on the ground not like an angry child, arms and body giving their full weight to frustrations, she stepped forward with such firmness and power that it sounded like she put her full weight into it, if she weighed 300 pounds. “I’m going to help stop it.”


Are you saying she stomped like a child, or unlike one? I'm guessing the latter.

Also, the "if" should be "had".

Also, there should be at least a paragraph dedicated to the immediate aftermath of the battle, at least enough to get to the point after the mission with Jackson seeing Travor and Xanatos off.
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Majin Gojira
PostPosted: 2009-03-27 01:44pm 

Sith Acolyte


Joined: 2002-08-06 11:27pm
Posts: 5686
Location: Philadelphia
SAMAS wrote:
Not bad, if a little short (The fight, I mean).


Poor Anubis Warrior was Outnumbered, afterall.

Quote:
I take it Mission 2 is forthcoming?


I'll be looking through some transcripts in the next few days to keep things accurate.

Quote:
A few minor errors:


PM them next-time, if only so I can save face (HA! Like respectability exists on the internet ;) )

Quote:
Also, there should be at least a paragraph dedicated to the immediate aftermath of the battle, at least enough to get to the point after the mission with Jackson seeing Travor and Xanatos off.


Expect that paragraph to be added to this chapter when the next chapter is readied. Or sooner (like now), depending, but most won't notice it until the next chapter is readied.
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