Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Well shit. I've always paid for my cab rides with credit. If they're the same way maybe I should just pay cash next time and save them the hassle.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, really. Everybody thinks we just want cash so we can cheat on our taxes, but in addition to the company screwing me out of the money, my unconquerable need to eat, and, in some drivers' cases, cheating on taxes:

1) The thing that pisses me off the most about this is that the company refuses to spend money to upgrade the radio and credit card transmission infrastructure, which has been overloaded for years, because me having a hard time in the field doesn't cost them anything. That shit gets really slow, rejects good cards three times before accepting them, or goes down like a three-dollar hooker every time we're really busy, such as last call and holidays, also known as when everybody's spent all their cash and I need the fucking thing to work the most. The slow part is especially annoying on very short rides like the one I described above, where running the stupid thing is going to take longer than the ride itself. They need to get off their asses and realize that they've got real competition now, before we all go to work for those Uber ass clowns, who are somehow still allowed to let you use cellphones that actually work to process credit because apparently the state of Colorado has decided that no regulations at all apply to them.

2) People are shitheads when they're drunk. They frequently have no cash and do not realize that they've maxed out their card at the bar. I had this happen on a $50 ride once. My only options in that situation are:

2a) accept some kind of barter,
2b) call the cops and wait 2-3 hours to get them arrested for theft of services,
2c) let it slide, or
2d) beat the living fuck out of them.

3) Also, just getting drunk people to sign the titty-fucking receipt can take several minutes. My clipboard is covered in signatures. Sometimes I just do it for them, but this dramatically increases the possibility that they will succeed if they:

4) Either forgetfully or maliciously claim fraud and try to get the charges reversed. I've even had one of my own regulars call me up at 10am and scream at me for fraudulently running her card, because she was blacked out when she took the ride.

5) People tend to tip significantly less on credit cards. A $7.35 ride that would get me a, "Keep the change," with a $10 bill will get me precisely $8.82 (before the company eats $0.44 of that, leaving my lucky ass with $8.38) on plastic from the exact same customer if they just mash the 20% button without doing the math.

tl;dr: Credit cards fucking suck for cab drivers. If you like your driver at all, pay cash.

[Zaune]

I honestly did not know it was possible to pay for a cab with a debit or credit card anywhere except maybe Dubai or Seoul.

[Raw Shark]

I honestly did not know it was possible to pay for a cab with a debit or credit card anywhere except maybe Dubai or Seoul.

It's been possible in the USA ever since I started doing this part-time waaaaay back in 2002, though we were still using the stone age carbon paper sliders back then, and I didn't even get one of those when I started; they told me to rub it with a lighter on my clipboard until somebody quit and turned one in because they were out.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: Look, I'm not trying to be rude, but you need to pay me and step outside of the cab.

JESUS FREAK: I don't need anything! You need Jesus!

YOUR DRIVER: You just heard me give a 15-minute estimate 10 minutes ago. Please get out so I can do my job.

JESUS FREAK: I'm doing you a favor! You need to let go of material concerns, and embrace the Lord!

YOUR DRIVER: You are literally killing me. I need to do this ride for food. Please stop.

JESUS FREAK: Accepting Christ is more important than living!

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, look zealot, if you don't step out of this vehicle and pay me right now you are going to meet Jesus right now.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: That'll be $19.35 on the meter.

CHEAPASS BITCH: Here's a twenty.

YOUR DRIVER: [dryly] Wow. Thanks a million. Have a good one.

CHEAPASS BITCH: Can I get my change?

YOUR DRIVER: I don't carry around coins, sorry.

CHEAPASS BITCH: Well that sucks! Why not!?

YOUR DRIVER: Because nobody is as cheap as you.

[Raw Shark]

DRUNK GIRL #1: Ohmygawd, do you think this is the strip club that Stephanie quit to work at?

DRUNK GIRL #2: I doubt it. If I was going to strip, I'd do it in another town, so nobody I know walks in and sees me.

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, but this is the biggest and most happening strip club in the entire region. And technically-speaking, this is another town.

DRUNK GIRL #3: Yeah, this might actually happen. I do not want to see her naked.

DRUNK GIRL #1: I do!

DRUNK GIRL #3: You do? Why?

DRUNK GIRL #1: Because she is so proud of her boobs, and I am positive that mine are bigger and better-looking!

DRUNK GIRL #2: Hey [name], do they charge a cover here?

YOUR DRIVER: I'm not sure. Probably, if you get there after 2am. They've got a near-monopoly now.

DRUNK GIRL #1: Do you think they'd let us in for free if I show everybody my tits?

YOUR DRIVER: Amateur Night is Thursday.

DRUNK GIRL #1: What about for the ride?

YOUR DRIVER: That's more of a tip than a fare, really, and frankly I kind of feel like you want to do it anyway.

[Zaune]

It's been possible in the USA ever since I started doing this part-time waaaaay back in 2002, though we were still using the stone age carbon paper sliders back then, and I didn't even get one of those when I started; they told me to rub it with a lighter on my clipboard until somebody quit and turned one in because they were out.

Huh. I've never seen it offered anywhere in the UK; either the banks charge too much of a surcharge, or it makes it too easy to prove they're screwing their drivers out of minimum wage and/or cheating on their taxes.

[Raw Shark]

It's been possible in the USA ever since I started doing this part-time waaaaay back in 2002, though we were still using the stone age carbon paper sliders back then, and I didn't even get one of those when I started; they told me to rub it with a lighter on my clipboard until somebody quit and turned one in because they were out.

Huh. I've never seen it offered anywhere in the UK; either the banks charge too much of a surcharge, or it makes it too easy to prove they're screwing their drivers out of minimum wage and/or cheating on their taxes.

The company charges more than the banks and clears a profit on it, which they claim is for maintaining the infrastructure. Screwing the drivers out of minimum wage is not an issue in this state because we are all required to be Independent Contractors, which is very advantageous to the company in some ways (no requirement to guarantee minimum wage or health insurance, which never applies for longer than one paycheck anyway because if you make less than minimum wage at a service job and they actually have to pay you you're fired because you obviously suck at the service industry). The company does not care about whether it is easy or hard for us to cheat on our taxes; they (wink-wink) discourage that sort of thing.

[Teebs]

Huh. I've never seen it offered anywhere in the UK; either the banks charge too much of a surcharge, or it makes it too easy to prove they're screwing their drivers out of minimum wage and/or cheating on their taxes.

For what it's worth substantial minority of London black cabs seem to take cards.

[Elheru Aran]

London is also a tourist destination, plush with out-of-towners who may not have bothered to get local cash. It makes sense for most cabs in that city-- especially the tourist-trap classic black cabs-- to take credit as a matter of course.

[Bedlam]

Most Edinburgh Taxi's take card as well, although we are a tourist trap as well.

[Soontir C'boath]

Old article by the WSJ for NYC taxis, but it states the medallion owners get to keep 5% of the receipts for credit card fees and maintenance of the equipment.

[Jub]

Working in tech support you get callers in that are well intention but ignorant about anything more complicated that using their favorites buttons to open an email. Those aren't that bad as long as they can't understand the steps you're giving them, because they usually trust you and just follow instructions. Then you get the other sort, the ones that make you want to ask them to put the person who ties their shoes and reminds them to breath on the phone so we can get the problem fixed before the year is out. The following examples of trying to get people to read out their MAC address may cause people with working brains to die a little inside. You've been warned.

Example 1:

The guest has finally, after minutes of waiting for an ancient computer to finally load their control panel, managed to find their MAC address. Then they start reading and it comes out as either, "One... umm... is that an o or a zero... umm... two dots... a, expect it sounds like 8 because theyre ignorant of the phonetic alphabet", "onezeroa..." so fast that you can't possibly keep up, or - the one that gets me most - "One zero semi-colon..." I mean FFS you're staying in a hotel unsupervised I expect that you'd at least have had some form of education about the language you are currently speaking.

Example 2:

Reading back a MAC address to a guest I used foxtrot to denote the letter f, only to have the guest interupt me and say, "No that's just fox." If I didn't like the benefits of the job so much I could have hung up on her then and there.

Example 3:

I'm letting them know we need to find the MAC address and the guest pipes in, "I'm on a PC are you sure you know what you're talking about?"

I could go on, but I think this vent is enough to help me through the last two hours of this shift.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, that'll be $14.85 on the meter.

CHEAPASS DOUCHEBAG: Here's twenty. Can I get $5.15 back?

YOUR DRIVER: I don't carry coins, sorry. Nobody's that cheap.

CHEAPASS DOUCHEBAG: That's cool, just give me five and keep the change.

YOUR DRIVER: Sure thing, big-spender.

CHEAPASS DOUCHEBAG: Hey, I need to take a cab from here in about six hours. Can I have your phone number so I can call you directly? You're a really good cab driver.

YOUR DRIVER: Sure! It's 1-800-GET-BENT.

[Crazedwraith]

Since this is like the second time you've had a story like this in two days, clearly people are that cheap. Time to revise your policy I think.

[Raw Shark]

Since this is like the second time you've had a story like this in two days, clearly people are that cheap. Time to revise your policy I think.

Oh, I'm aware - I'm just trying to convince the fuckwads that they're unique to guilt-trip them out of it. A lot of cab drivers always claim to not have any change at all (ie: "Fuck you, I'm keeping the whole twenty unless you're willing to wait two hours for the cops to sort this out") in the same situation and somehow get away with it, so I don't really feel obligated to carry $0.15 around for that prick. I mostly thought it was funny because he actually thought I might give him my phone number after this, demonstrating an utter lack of understanding of the service industry. "Yeah, please let me go out of my way to recreate this shit ride where you felt like a hero for giving me $0.15, that sounds awesome, thanks."

[Lagmonster]

You'd just hate the way the feds do cabs rides in Canada. We use cabs all the time between buildings, and we use these funky special paper tokens to pay, and we are not allowed to tip. The driver scans the token, we leave the car. Once a month, an admin collects all the used tokens, and I pray to god adds some kind of gratuity onto whatever we owe them, because otherwise we are collectively assholes. I have to hope something is being done right, though, because we always have at least six cabs waiting patiently on-call outside our building in a designated lot, and they never look upset to be there.

[Raw Shark]

You'd just hate the way the feds do cabs rides in Canada. We use cabs all the time between buildings, and we use these funky special paper tokens to pay, and we are not allowed to tip. The driver scans the token, we leave the car. Once a month, an admin collects all the used tokens, and I pray to god adds some kind of gratuity onto whatever we owe them, because otherwise we are collectively assholes.

Yeah, the company has a bunch of tabs with various organizations, such as medicare, and individual companies such as itself (frequently employed by the owner's two drunk-ass sons / managers, who I have personally driven a few times). This is the ride that screws us the most of all, because not only does nobody (besides the younger son, who consistently coughs up 20% to be fair) ever tip on it, but the company gobbles up a whopping 10% (double what they charge for credit cards) for processing it, because fuck you if you think you can cash this anywhere else.

[Broomstick]

Look, if someone has a hearing aid or cochlear implant and still has trouble hearing that one thing, but I'm fed up with old farts who can't hear and don't make any effort to correct the problem. The little old lady with the hearing aids yelling "WHERE ARE YOUR HEARING AID BATTERIES? I NEED SOME NEW ONES." was actually kind of amusing. Even better, she had a keen sense of the irony involved herself and pointed it out. The old guy today who was asking about hemorrhoid creams at the top of his lungs not so much fun. Especially since in order for him to hear my replies I had to be even louder in return. YES, SIR, WE HAVE PREPARATION H. THE HOUSE BRAND HAS THE EXACT SAME INGREDIENT. NO, SIR, THAT'S NOT HEMORRHOID CREAM, THAT'S FOR NEW TATTOOS. TATTOOS. YES, TATTOOS. NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY MYSELF. NO HEMORRHOIDS EITHER. THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY. A GOOD DAY.

[Zaune]

Invest in a notepad and pen, maybe?

[Enigma]

Invest in a notepad and pen, maybe?

That is what I do because of my hearing impairment. I have a lot of trouble figuring out whether I am talking too loud or not other than if I can hear my voice I'm too loud. Other than that I judge how loud or quiet I am by the other person's reaction. Mind you, if I can't hear them, I show them my pen and notepad and they'll write it down.

[Broomstick]

Ah, but you know and admit you have a hearing problem!

I've used the notepad and pen thing on occasion, and it can be a real relief for all (I keep a notepad and pen at work with my "toolbox" anyway so it's always at hand). It can also be useful for language barriers (sometimes writing a word down gets around heavy accents or unsure pronunciation, and "8" means both "eight" and "ocho" and so on).

The problem is people who won't admit they have a hearing problem! No, no, no - it's all YOU that have the problem!!!

I mean, heck, I am more than willing to admit I don't hear as well as I used to, either, and have asked people to repeat themselves for exactly that reason. (Based on testing, my hearing is average for my age... which means it is NOT as good as the hearing of someone half my age.)

The other recent fun conversation was the young man who kept asking for "Plan B" for "a friend" - a guy friend. Because said guy friend screwed up. It's for his friend, you see. Do we have Plan B? No, we don't carry that brand. I suggested he ask the pharmacist for alternative names we might stock.

He ran away. Literally. Literally ran away.

[Edi]

So, as some of you may remember, I work in a premium phone tech support service. From today:

CRANKY OLD FART: I'm calling about this bill, I need to have it paid in installments.

ME: ???!??
(We don't do contracts or billing, normal, non-premium customer service side handles that)

ME: Sir, we don't usually do these, normal customer service does and- (about to say "it's cheaper for you")

COF: Don't you start bullshitting me, they said I should call you and you had better sort this out! Otherwise-

ME: Okay, okay, I'll fix it for you, what sort of installments do you want and on what timetable?

COF: *gives details* And if you can't do that yourself, then you find someone who does, I don't give a shit.

ME: Right, that's all I need then. I'll have this sorted out for you so you won't need to call anywhere else.

COF: And I want notification when it's done, you hear me?! When can I expect that?

ME: I'll need to have it sorted out first, then I'll make sure you get notification as soon as possible.

COF: Bullshit! I want to know this instant! It's bloody typical, you're not going to do it anyway or you'll screw it up and it gets lost and then-

ME: *incandescent* I told you I would fix it, so that's a binding promise on my part and I'll get right to it. Thanks for calling! *click*


See, there is this little thing: If we promise someone that we will take care of some shit, like fixing this billing issue, or taking care of a few minor things that would otherwise necessitate them to call two or three places and have it all garbled because they don't know the right things to tell, then we'll do that. No problem. If we give a promise, it's binding. If we promise them, we are obligated to deliver, because otherwise the company gets more grief, and when it is reviewed, the person who promised and didn't do it gets chewed out.

So I promise this asshole I'll take care of his shit and he turns right around and essentially calls me a liar right off the bat. Well, fuck you, pal, that shit DOES NOT fly. I don't need to take that shit, nor does anyone else in the company. Some choose to accept more, and good on them, but I'm not going to bother. Delivering what I promised will just have to be enough. If they complain later and it's reviewed and I did that, they're just going to get told to stuff it (more politely of course, but the essence is the same).

I like my job, and these sort of idiots are an occupational hazard, but fortunately we don't have to bend over backward to kiss their ass and as long as we don't screw up (such as swear at the customer, fail to fulfill what we promise etc), our bosses will back us up. Easily two or three levels up from our immediate bosses at that. If they dodn't, we'd probably not have nearly as dedicated a crew as we do, but the company recognizes the value of loyalty and taking care of its employees, and it shows.

[Raw Shark]

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: So who's your team?

YOUR DRIVER: I don't watch sports.

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: Well, where are you from?

YOUR DRIVER: I grew up in Massachusetts.

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: OH, so you're a Patriots Fan, huh?

YOUR DRIVER: No, I don't give a fuck at all.

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: Don't lie! You like Tom Brady! You like deflated footballs, don't you!?

YOUR DRIVER: What the fuck are you even talking about? I just told you it's not my thing. I didn't even watch the game.

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: Y'know, if you just owned it and admitted you were a Pats fan I'd respect you, but you're just lying.

YOUR DRIVER: You're not even listening to me. Get the fuck out, douchebag.

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: Fine! You're just being an asshole because you're a Pats fan!

YOUR DRIVER: Seriously, go fuck yourself.

ANGRY SEAHAWKS FAN: PATS FAN!

[Zaune]

I'm reminded about the old joke about a Belfast native wanting to know if someone's a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew.

Still, for future reference, I suggest just telling them you prefer baseball.