Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Moderator: Edi
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Lagmonster
- Master Control Program
- Posts: 7719
- Joined: 2002-07-04 09:53am
- Location: Ottawa, Canada
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
That's basically my day, every day. Get an agricultural scientist or peer worker drunk and they'll start yelling about how hippies asking to reduce herd sizes while upping use of natural fertilizer on crop is treason to mankind.
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Kanastrous
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 6464
- Joined: 2007-09-14 11:46pm
- Location: SoCal
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
In layman's terms this means cooking cowflop in the microwave, right...?
I find myself endlessly fascinated by your career - Stark, in a fit of Nerd-Validation, November 3, 2011
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
[Opening Day of Football]:
VERY DRUNK GUY: [out the window] Yeah! Yeah! Broncooooooos!
YOUR DRIVER: Dude. Calm down. You did not win the game.
VERY DRUNK GUY: [hangs head and briefly encounters full clarity and honesty] I know.
YOUR DRIVER: Sorry, but it had to be said. That'll be nine bucks.
VERY DRUNK GUY: [out the window] Yeah! Yeah! Broncooooooos!
YOUR DRIVER: Dude. Calm down. You did not win the game.
VERY DRUNK GUY: [hangs head and briefly encounters full clarity and honesty] I know.
YOUR DRIVER: Sorry, but it had to be said. That'll be nine bucks.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
SLOW WEDNESDAY AT 4AM IN THE ALLEY BEHIND HERB'S:
DENVER BFF: Okay, I know I said I was ready to go, but I just need like five more minutes!
YOUR DRIVER: Okay...
[15 Minutes Pass]
DENVER BFF: Hey, do you want to come inside and have a drink?
YOUR DRIVER: Uh. I'm driving, remember?
DENVER BFF: Okay, just come in and hang out for a minute!
YOUR DRIVER: Okay...
[15 Minutes Pass]
DENVER BFF: Do you think I should bet all seven hundred bucks on this one roll?
YOUR DRIVER: No, I think that's a terrible idea. You should definitely not do that.
DENVER BFF: Robbie, get this man whiskey! And I'm putting all seven hundred on this next roll!
YOUR DRIVER: [facepalm]
DENVER BFF: Okay, I know I said I was ready to go, but I just need like five more minutes!
YOUR DRIVER: Okay...
[15 Minutes Pass]
DENVER BFF: Hey, do you want to come inside and have a drink?
YOUR DRIVER: Uh. I'm driving, remember?
DENVER BFF: Okay, just come in and hang out for a minute!
YOUR DRIVER: Okay...
[15 Minutes Pass]
DENVER BFF: Do you think I should bet all seven hundred bucks on this one roll?
YOUR DRIVER: No, I think that's a terrible idea. You should definitely not do that.
DENVER BFF: Robbie, get this man whiskey! And I'm putting all seven hundred on this next roll!
YOUR DRIVER: [facepalm]
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
TALL BLONDE STRIPPER: So then I look down and realize this one guy in the front row isn't even looking at me, he's texting!
YOUR DRIVER: How rude!
TALL BLONDE STRIPPER: I know, right? Here I am with my tits in your face, and you're texting your wife or your stockbroker or updating your Facebook status or whatever? I work hard, you know! My neck is killing me right now! I'm a performance artist!
YOUR DRIVER: There's just no appreciation for your craft anymore.
TALL BLONDE STRIPPER: Yeah. Internet porn ruined everything. Nudity has to go begging in the marketplace.
YOUR DRIVER: How rude!
TALL BLONDE STRIPPER: I know, right? Here I am with my tits in your face, and you're texting your wife or your stockbroker or updating your Facebook status or whatever? I work hard, you know! My neck is killing me right now! I'm a performance artist!
YOUR DRIVER: There's just no appreciation for your craft anymore.
TALL BLONDE STRIPPER: Yeah. Internet porn ruined everything. Nudity has to go begging in the marketplace.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
She has a point, if you aren't allowed to touch you might as well stay in the comfort of your own home and get the same experience with the bonus of pause and fast forward.
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case with regard to appreciation for live performance art.Darmalus wrote:She has a point, if you aren't allowed to touch you might as well stay in the comfort of your own home and get the same experience with the bonus of pause and fast forward.
Mostly I was amused by the Breakfast of Champions paraphrase. I didn't catch it until later, because she didn't actually say, "Wide-open beavers," but the phrase, "go begging in the marketplace," jogged my memory. Reading is fundamental, even for strippers.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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Kanastrous
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 6464
- Joined: 2007-09-14 11:46pm
- Location: SoCal
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
-Particularly- for strippers. No amount of verified data will alter my conviction that at least 51% are Lit Majors.
I find myself endlessly fascinated by your career - Stark, in a fit of Nerd-Validation, November 3, 2011
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
On Friday night's overtime shift, I joked with the QA guy saying, "I'd like to meet an Irish drifter named Rick O'Shea." The QA guy asked why and I replied, "So I could ask him if he bounced from town to town."
He chuckled then groaned and walked away.
He chuckled then groaned and walked away.
ASVS('97)/SDN('03)
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
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Kanastrous
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 6464
- Joined: 2007-09-14 11:46pm
- Location: SoCal
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Maybe Rick O'Shea knows the famous Irish spy, Paddy O'Furniture.
I find myself endlessly fascinated by your career - Stark, in a fit of Nerd-Validation, November 3, 2011
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Or the famous Irish rockstar Paddy O'Lantern.Kanastrous wrote:Maybe Rick O'Shea knows the famous Irish spy, Paddy O'Furniture.
ASVS('97)/SDN('03)
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
"Whilst human alchemists refer to the combustion triangle, some of their orcish counterparts see it as more of a hexagon: heat, fuel, air, laughter, screaming, fun." Dawn of the Dragons
ASSCRAVATS!
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Boss: I have answers to all your questions
Me: Really?
Boss: Of course!
Me: Ok, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Boss: 8 cords
Me: How much is a cord?
Boss: 128 cubic feet
Me: Were you a lumberjack?
Boss: Yes, but not really. I grew up in a cabin where we chopped a lot of wood.
Me: Really?
Boss: Of course!
Me: Ok, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Boss: 8 cords
Me: How much is a cord?
Boss: 128 cubic feet
Me: Were you a lumberjack?
Boss: Yes, but not really. I grew up in a cabin where we chopped a lot of wood.
This post is a 100% natural organic product.
The slight variations in spelling and grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects
I'm not sure why people choose 'To Love is to Bury' as their wedding song...It's about a murder-suicide
- Margo Timmins
When it becomes serious, you have to lie
- Jean-Claude Juncker
The slight variations in spelling and grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects
I'm not sure why people choose 'To Love is to Bury' as their wedding song...It's about a murder-suicide
- Margo Timmins
When it becomes serious, you have to lie
- Jean-Claude Juncker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: I barfed in my tits.
YOUR DRIVER: What?
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: I barfed, but it all went down in my tits.
YOUR DRIVER: ...gross. Okay, if you can get out right now without spilling anything, this ride is free. If you spill anything, you owe me $104.
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: Deal!
YOUR DRIVER: What?
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: I barfed, but it all went down in my tits.
YOUR DRIVER: ...gross. Okay, if you can get out right now without spilling anything, this ride is free. If you spill anything, you owe me $104.
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: Deal!
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
So, so glad I had finished breakfast before getting to this browser tab...Raw Shark wrote:CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: I barfed in my tits.
YOUR DRIVER: What?
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: I barfed, but it all went down in my tits.
YOUR DRIVER: ...gross. Okay, if you can get out right now without spilling anything, this ride is free. If you spill anything, you owe me $104.
CAVERNOUS CLEAVAGE: Deal!
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
As a night person, it is always my aim to brighten the days of morning people.Venator wrote:So, so glad I had finished breakfast before getting to this browser tab...
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Raw Shark wrote:As a night person, it is always my aim to brighten the days of morning people.Venator wrote:So, so glad I had finished breakfast before getting to this browser tab...
As a fellow night person I approve this message.
Nothing quite finishes the night on an upswing quite like the day shifters glaring at me with that unspoken "fuck you!".
By the pricking of my thumb,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks.
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks.
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Broomstick
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 28773
- Joined: 2004-01-02 07:04pm
- Location: Industrial armpit of the US Midwest
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
So, hearing suspicious banging noises and giggling from the next aisle over I go to investigate and find two kids playing hockey utilizing backstratchers as sticks and various facial product jars as improvised pucks.
"GENTLEMEN! I think you'll find the hockey equipment in the sports department a little better for your game."
To give the mom credit, she did come over from the cosmetics aisle (along with and infant and a toddler) to collect her two hockey players.
"GENTLEMEN! I think you'll find the hockey equipment in the sports department a little better for your game."
To give the mom credit, she did come over from the cosmetics aisle (along with and infant and a toddler) to collect her two hockey players.
A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. Leonard Nimoy.
Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy
Sam Vimes Theory of Economic Injustice
Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy
Sam Vimes Theory of Economic Injustice
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Napoleon the Clown
- Jedi Council Member
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: 2007-05-05 02:54pm
- Location: Minneso'a
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Oh, I can contribute one now!
We have been discussing cars and people wrecking very expensive, nice cars. The head baker worked at a gas station that had a contest to win a Lamborghini and the winner crashed it some time later.
Head Baker: You always hear about these people wrecking supercars right after getting them.
Me: Yeah, they get them and think "I'm Mario Andretti!" Then crash and "Nope, I'm Dale Earnhardt."
HB: *laughs his ass off* I shouldn't be laughing at that.
Me: Oh, it happened long enough ago to joke about.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a terrible person.
We have been discussing cars and people wrecking very expensive, nice cars. The head baker worked at a gas station that had a contest to win a Lamborghini and the winner crashed it some time later.
Head Baker: You always hear about these people wrecking supercars right after getting them.
Me: Yeah, they get them and think "I'm Mario Andretti!" Then crash and "Nope, I'm Dale Earnhardt."
HB: *laughs his ass off* I shouldn't be laughing at that.
Me: Oh, it happened long enough ago to joke about.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a terrible person.
Sig images are for people who aren't fucking lazy.
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Aspiring to Dale Earnhardt over one crash is a little delusional. The guy had a great career.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
As long as they're not Ward Jr. -- stoned and walking out into the middle of the track.
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
GREAT AMERICAN BEER FEST 2014:
PRETZEL NECKLACE: Hey, can I get a ride to Belleview and Lowell?
YOUR DRIVER: I'm going to need you to lose the food if you want to get in.
PRETZEL NECKLACE: [indignant] I don't have food!
YOUR DRIVER: EARTH TO DRUNKY MCDRUNKPANTS: YOU ARE LITERALLY WEARING YOUR FOOD.
PRETZEL NECKLACE: Oh...
YOUR DRIVER: [rolls eyes; hits the gas]
~~~~~
GOOD REGULAR WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE BLACKS THIS OUT: It's cold! You should come inside and get in bed with me!
YOUR DRIVER: No, that's a really bad idea.
GOOD REGULAR WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE BLACKS THIS OUT: Por que, no?
YOUR DRIVER: Uh... por que tu estas muy barocho, y yo tengo una novia?
GOOD REGULAR WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE BLACKS THIS OUT: Oh, right!!! Fuck.
PRETZEL NECKLACE: Hey, can I get a ride to Belleview and Lowell?
YOUR DRIVER: I'm going to need you to lose the food if you want to get in.
PRETZEL NECKLACE: [indignant] I don't have food!
YOUR DRIVER: EARTH TO DRUNKY MCDRUNKPANTS: YOU ARE LITERALLY WEARING YOUR FOOD.
PRETZEL NECKLACE: Oh...
YOUR DRIVER: [rolls eyes; hits the gas]
~~~~~
GOOD REGULAR WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE BLACKS THIS OUT: It's cold! You should come inside and get in bed with me!
YOUR DRIVER: No, that's a really bad idea.
GOOD REGULAR WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE BLACKS THIS OUT: Por que, no?
YOUR DRIVER: Uh... por que tu estas muy barocho, y yo tengo una novia?
GOOD REGULAR WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE BLACKS THIS OUT: Oh, right!!! Fuck.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
^ EPILOGUE: She called me again! She either has no memory of the incident, or is very good at pretending not to. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOT BRUNETTE: [hangs up phone] I don't get why my boyfriend's so jealous! Every time I come home from work really late he blows up my phone and accuses me of cheating on him. It's so insecure!
YOUR DRIVER: Uh, didn't you just kiss the guy who put you in the cab and paid for your ride?
HOT BRUNETTE: Well, yeah. I'm not saying I'm not cheating on him, I just don't get why he thinks I am!
YOUR DRIVER: Huh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOT BRUNETTE: [hangs up phone] I don't get why my boyfriend's so jealous! Every time I come home from work really late he blows up my phone and accuses me of cheating on him. It's so insecure!
YOUR DRIVER: Uh, didn't you just kiss the guy who put you in the cab and paid for your ride?
HOT BRUNETTE: Well, yeah. I'm not saying I'm not cheating on him, I just don't get why he thinks I am!
YOUR DRIVER: Huh.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): Hey, baby! How are you!?
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I don't believe you! You are having so much fun grading book reports, I know it!
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): Yeah, I'm driving to the strip club right now.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, no, I'm not driving, I'm in a cab. I have the best cabbie ever! This guy is legit. Fuck Uber. Fuck Uber. Nobody appreciates real taxis anymore.
YOUR DRIVER: Thanks!
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): Because I wanted to ask if you want to come with us! It's just me and my friend Omar.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I disagree. I think Shotgun's would totally be down with your flannel PJs.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I know it's a classy place.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, the penguins are hot! They're totally hot. When you wear your penguin PJs, it makes me want to put my finger in your butthole and swirl it around like Dr. Pepper.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I think about your butthole all the time. And your pussy, and killing people.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, no, that's not what I meant. I was just kidding. Just kidding. I love you, baby. I promise I won't jizz on a stripper. I'mma save it all for you, baby. It's all yours.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, I am not wasted! What makes you think that?
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I don't believe you! You are having so much fun grading book reports, I know it!
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): Yeah, I'm driving to the strip club right now.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, no, I'm not driving, I'm in a cab. I have the best cabbie ever! This guy is legit. Fuck Uber. Fuck Uber. Nobody appreciates real taxis anymore.
YOUR DRIVER: Thanks!
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): Because I wanted to ask if you want to come with us! It's just me and my friend Omar.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I disagree. I think Shotgun's would totally be down with your flannel PJs.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I know it's a classy place.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, the penguins are hot! They're totally hot. When you wear your penguin PJs, it makes me want to put my finger in your butthole and swirl it around like Dr. Pepper.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): I think about your butthole all the time. And your pussy, and killing people.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, no, that's not what I meant. I was just kidding. Just kidding. I love you, baby. I promise I won't jizz on a stripper. I'mma save it all for you, baby. It's all yours.
DRUNK GUY (ON THE PHONE): No, I am not wasted! What makes you think that?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
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SCRawl
- Has a bad feeling about this.
- Posts: 4191
- Joined: 2002-12-24 03:11pm
- Location: Burlington, Canada
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Do you have a recording device? Because if you're taking dictation that would probably count as distracted driving.
73% of all statistics are made up, including this one.
I'm waiting as fast as I can.
I'm waiting as fast as I can.
Re: Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Me > So what level of care about defects are we aiming for? the current owner's concern, the new owner's concern or our own independent level?
Boss > If the person reading it goes 'oh now they're just covering their arse' then you've hit the right level.
Boss > If the person reading it goes 'oh now they're just covering their arse' then you've hit the right level.
"Aid, trade, green technology and peace." - Hans Rosling.
"Welcome to SDN, where we can't see the forest because walking into trees repeatedly feels good, bro." - Mr Coffee
"Welcome to SDN, where we can't see the forest because walking into trees repeatedly feels good, bro." - Mr Coffee