StarDestroyer.Net BBS

But what, former Loadmaster Shep, are you going to do about the Fart Enforcement Officer?

I PUT THE PUPPY-ROBOT IN MY PANTS AND WALK PAST THE FART EO.

Arrive abruptly from opposite direction. Hire a LOCAL YOKEL with CHEAP RUSSIAN VODKA and a BURRITO to distract the FART ENFORCEMENT OFFICER.

Offer Eternal_Freedom "hair of the dog".

Asks as politely as possible "hair of the dog" is.

Something along the liens of:

"Dude, wtf is that and why the fuck are you offering it to me?"

Direct Eternal_Freedom to Wikipedia.

Ah, my thanks comrade. I thought it was some Russian narcotic that didn't translate well into English.

Bottoms up! Oh, wait, better not, still bleeding. I'll wait until I get fixed up but thanks anyway.

I offer another, different flask to Eternal Freedom. It smells horrible and repugnant.
I assure that "anyone who drinks this unique mix of herbs and paprika will be quickly cured of hangovers as well as a series of other ails, although it requires a bit of a trick to be correctly used as well as handling the after-effects".

I politely say hello to the fart EO while very close to him and turn around and make a very loud non-fart of gas release. I then turn around, make a step back, take out my palinka and the hangover cure flask, pour a small amount of both in front of the EO fart officier's legs.
Then I take out another match, light it and throw it at the patch.

There is a spark and it goes out. I walk away. After a few seconds however, the liquid seems to react and releases a cloud of such vicious, horrible, standstill smell that the EO officer vomits into his helmet and passes out.

I take the second flask, drink a sip and feel like my head temporarily explodes. However, my hangover is indeed cured. I fart once again at the FEO and waltz off to seek a supply of plasters for my various cuts and bruises.

Determine the balances of all cash and current accounts. Takes a few hours of work.

Slow starts counting back from 30. Thank God that he is already near a medical station.
He should be starting to incohorently swear at the top of his voice for a minute, stop only to make a reflexive kick, cough for a bit and then pass out for only a few seconds.
However, when he wakes up he should be fresh as morning dew.

Whistle, twirl impressive mustache and comment that I am glad that I have brought my WMN and walking stick with me.

*initiates PANTS ESCAPE PROTOCOL but only after initiating LASER-ASSISTED BATTLE REAMING*

Phantasee wrote:Determine the balances of all cash and current accounts. Takes a few hours of work.

A representative of J&J Banking And Investments calls to inform you that unless you make the minimum payment of $236,398.99 on your $80 million loan by 9pm, your account will be in default and we shall send the collections & repossessions agencies after you to seize your assets.

Get the fuck out.

I've discovered that there is $179.62 in cash and equivalents available. I pocket the money in disgust and burn the box of papers.

I leave without a trace.

Ilya Muromets wrote:*initiates PANTS ESCAPE PROTOCOL but only after initiating LASER-ASSISTED BATTLE REAMING*

"Aw, it tickles!" muttered Shapp. Reaching into his pants, he pulled out the PUPPY-ROBOT, which was trying to REAM his leg off, but failing.

"What's that little guy? You spent too much time reading ones and zeroes and didn't charge your batteries up, and now can't use your KILL-DEATH-LASER? It's so cuuute!"

NO! SHEPPLES!

*kicks the attacking butt-bot*

*in the process, aside from kicking robot, foot also lands in R'iann's groin*

January 9th 2025
Thursday

ROUND 2



Von Braun Aerospace Business Centre
312 von Braun Avenue
Huntsville, AL

You are now: ZIXINUS, RI'ANN SHAPP, ETERNAL FREEDOM and FILIPINO JANITOR.

You are on the STREET. The STREET is CROWDED. It is MORNING. The WEATHER is NICE.

You are STANDING in the PARKING LOT of the VON BRAUN AEROSPACE BUSINESS CENTRE.

There are several AMBULANCES, a FIRE ENGINE and a GIGANTIC POLICE CRUISER. There are PARAMEDICS helping WOUNDED PEOPLE. The WOUNDED PEOPLE are wearing UNIFORMS of BUILDING SECURITY, and are CLUTCHING their BUTTS. One is SMILING WISTFULLY.

RI'ANN SHAPP seems to THINK your EMPLOYERS are IDIOTS. He ANNOUNCES his intention to LEAVE the COMPANY. He would LIKE to take the ROBOTIC PROBE with him. He cannot FIND the ROBOTIC PROBE anywhere. It must have STAYED inside the BUILDING overnight.

While RI'ANN SHAPP is LOOKING for the ROBOTIC PROBE, ZIXINUS and ETERNAL FREEDOM decide to FART in front of the FEDERAL AGENCY OF ROBOTIC TERROR ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. The FART EO is not AMUSED by their WACKY HIJINKS. He SEEMS to have become EVEN ANGRIER and is now MOVING towards the GROUP with INTENT to do TERRIBLE THINGS.

Also everyone is now LOOKING ON.

Suddenly, a HOBO appears. The HOBO is SMELLY. He is also DRUNK. The HOBO FARTS and begins to SCREAM INSULTS at the FART EO. The FART EO is DISTRACTED by the HOBO.

CREEPY RUSSIAN GUY abruptly ARRIVES as if he CAME out of THIN AIR and SEES ETERNAL FREEDOM. He OFFERS some ALCOHOL to ETERNAL FREEDOM as if nothing is HAPPENING. ETERNAL FREEDOM has to check an AMUSING IDIOM on WIKIPEDIA, but ACCEPTS the DRINK.

The FART EO is BEATING UP the HOBO in a stunning display of POLICE BRUTALITY. ZIXINUS seems UNFAZED and POLITELY OFFERS an UNHOLY HUNGARIAN MIXTURE to ETERNAL FREEDOM. He PROMISES it will HELP.

ETERNAL FREEDOM DRINKS the MIXTURE and PASSES OUT again. He WAKES UP after A FEW SECONDS. He DISCOVERS the HANGOVER is GONE. He also loses his SENSE OF SMELL.

RI'ANN SHAPP begins to WRESTLE with a STRANGE PUPPY ROBOT he INEXPLICABLY had in his PANTS. FILIPINO JANITOR attempts to HELP RI'ANN SHAPP and KICKS him in the GROIN. RI'ANN SHAPP collapses into a WHIMPERING HEAP of SORROW.

The STRANGE PUPPY ROBOT begins to HUMP HIS LEG. A PARAMEDIC starts to RUN towards RI'ANN SHAPP.

In the BACKGROUND, the FART EO COLLAPSES to the GROUND for some INFATHOMABLE REASON. The REASON may be RELATED to ZIXINUS, who is now SMILING STRANGELY and TWIRLING his GRAND MOUSTACHE.

What do you do? _


Offices of Lloyd Aerospace and Management Enterprises
Unit 213
312 von Braun Avenue
Huntsville, AL

You are now: PHANT.

You are SOBER. You have a few CUTS from LEAPING through a WINDOW last night. They are VERY PAINFUL.

You are at an OFFICE. The OFFICE is EMPTY. It is also TINY. There is one DESK and one LAWN CHAIR. There is no DOOR. There is a SPACE HEATER and a LADDER. The ROBOTIC PROBE is SITTING on the CEILING.

There are SOUNDS of COMMOTION coming from OUTSIDE.

You have USED your ACCOUNTING SUPERPOWERS to PRODUCE a NOTEBOOK and PENCIL. You are WORKING FEVERISHLY to CREATE a LEDGER that would MAKE SENSE.

Your DISCOVER the UNHOLY MESS of PAPERS is in fact a CLUMP of UNPAID BILLS. There is also a PROMOTIONAL FLYER. The FLYER SMELLS of COCAINE. Nevertheless, you TAKE A BREAK to READ IT.

XR-2: The TRUE revolution in spaceflight!
From the Marketing Department of Altea Aerospace

For almost a century now spaceflight was limited to crude and inefficient solutions - the only ones available due to limited and imperfect technology. With payload to launch mass ratios as low as 1:30, costs of launching material to orbit could never become affordable.

This ends now

The XR-2 Ravenstar is a product of a century's worth of advances in all fields of science, and 15 years of intense design work by the capable engineers at Altea Aerospace. It makes full use of all the recent breakthroughs in materials and propulsion science, allowing it to achieve a stunning mass ratio of up to 1:3!

Capable of achieving orbit with 10 tonnes of cargo or 12 passengers by launching from a runway, and returning to Earth under its own power, the XR-2 stands to be the first true revolution in spaceflight. The first true Single Stage To Orbit vehicle offers unprecedented speed, flexibility and cost.

Inquire now about the future!

It SEEMS pretty RADICAL.

You DISCOVER some BILLS from another COMPANY based in FLORIDA, at BARACK OBAMA PRIVATE SPACEFLIGHT COMPLEX, near the SAINT REAGAN SPACE CENTRE. The BILLS concern HANGAR SPACE and SPACECRAFT MAINTENANCE for a total SUM of $ 25 000. There is also a FAA CERTIFICATE that is VALID for 2025. The CERTIFICATE is CRUMPLED and has SUSPICIOUS STAINS on it.

The ROBOTIC PROBE begins to make COOING ELECTRONIC NOISES. It is CLEANING its ANAL PROBE. You have no idea how it can DO THAT.

You are DONE with your ACCOUNTING by the time the SOUNDS of COMMOTION reach their PEAK. The COMPANY enjoys a BANK BALANCE of $ -52,50. There are BILLS due by the FIRST DAY of FEBRUARY for the sum of $25 315. $27 815 if you COUNT the NOTE about PITBULL JOHNNY. You FEEL it would be PRUDENT to DO SO.

There is no MONEY to STEAL. There also MAY or MAY NOT BE a LOAN, according to SOME CHICK who CLAIMS to be from a BANK. You are UNABLE to FIND any PAPERS to CONFIRM that.

The CHICK sounded PRETTY HOT over the PHONE, though. You WONDER how she had your NUMBER, since there is no PHONE in the OFFICE.

What do you do? _

Find a way to enter the OFFICE subtly. Disturb Phant.

*does diagnostics after escaping from earlier commotion*

*anal probe attachment is cleaned and primed*

*laser is still offline but maintenance nanites are beginning to make some headway in repairs*

*activates ALTERNATE ACOUSTIC DEFENSE OPTION*

*blares out LADY GAGA and KATY PERRY songs at MAXIMUM VOLUME*

as FILIPINO JANITOR:

put ICE on RI'ANN SHAPP's GROIN

as PHANT:

engage in PHONE SEX with the CHICK

[OOC: Erm, what are we doing at the space centre again? Shouldn't we be heading to Florida? Or should I check in with Phant or something?]

I look around, thank Scottish Ninja for distracting the FART EO, examine a building and note where I may enter unobserved.

I assure Eternal Freedom that the brew may effect some people less than more. The loss of smell may last a while but it can be fixed by a little cold, some sea air and a few leeches. I advise him to not drink alcohol for a while, at least for an hour as the anti-hangover thing and alcohol in any form as they mix too well.

I then walk up to Shep and offer a helping hand once the paramedic has treated him or offer any assistance to the paramedic. I offer Shep Pálinka or headache-cure as well (but I emphasize that he must pick only one).

I begin to worry that I'm losing sense at an alarming rate working for this company. I decide to head back to the motel and sleep until the apparent "meeting" tomorrow, so as to be completely fine and dandy and sober.

Before I go however, I feeel obliged to laugh at Shep and the Philipino janitor who kicked him so painfully, taking comfor tin the fact that Shep can't hear me laughing. I also make sure to take some of the vodka, the palinka and the hangover-cure, for future use

I refuse to give him any more pálinka or anti-hangover medicine and remind him that after consuming some of the medicine he should avoid drinking any alcohol for at least an hour.
If he insists, I use my walking stick on him.

Also I do mention to him that having a little rest now might not be a bad idea, especially after yesterday's window accident. I'll say that I'll inform him of any significant news or development with our employers, although I suggest to him to stay until at least we meet with our employers once more.

I assure him that when I say "future use" I mean "next week or so."

But I also thank him for his concern and his offer to keep me appraised of news.