Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Borgholio]

People pick up hookers in the back of your cab? Do you demand a cut of the profit?

[White Haven]

Background: A customer tried to upgrade to Windows 10 on her own, it didn't work, rolled back, now her email client doesn't work.

Me: Now if I could just get you to put down your email address and password so I can set things up for you...

Clueless: I don't have a password.

Me: I assure you that you do. Whether you know it or not is another question.

[Raw Shark]

People pick up hookers in the back of your cab? Do you demand a cut of the profit?

A) Of course! Picking up hookers is probably the #3 specialty service that I provide, after finding a specific hotel or gay bathhouse, when I'm dealing with a married guy on a business trip.

B) Not as such, beyond what I get for the time and distance involved, but if they make a mess in the back seat or make things awkward enough for me the ride starts to get expensive. If I just go a couple miles out of the way to a sketchy neighborhood, grab some whore, and bring them back to his hotel it's a win-win for everybody.

[Napoleon the Clown]

When you write your book, there needs to be a prostitution pun in the title.

[Borgholio]

When you write your book, there needs to be a prostitution pun in the title.

"Stick it in my slot" : The confessions of a man for hire.

[InsaneTD]

Or the chapter containing prostitute stories needs to have the pun at least.

[Raw Shark]

Yeah, I'd entertain the hooker thing as a chapter title (Hookers!), but I'm thinking about, "I drove a taxi for X fucking years!" as the overall title for the piece.

[Borgholio]

Nah, too bland. How about...

"Road Warrior - The True Story of an American Taxi-man"

[Arthur_Tuxedo]

How about "Mile High Taxi-man"?

[Lagmonster]

Just call it "Back Seat Stories". Short, punchy, to the point.

[Raw Shark]

Thanks for the ideas, guys. Mile High Taxi is unfortunately off the table because it's the name of one of the legit cab companies here, sorry Arthur_Tuxedo. I wonder if I could get away with using that one line from the job interview scene in Taxi Driver if I change the name to mine...

"Whattaya wanna hack for, [last name]..? You seem like you're on the ball..."

Or maybe Bickle's response to that line:

"Can't sleep. Gotta stay busy."

[Venator]

Got pulled into an emergency meeting with our project manager (a pretty good shoot-the-shit buddy), our operations lead and one of our board. After a bad night and worse morning, as will immediately become relevant...

OPS LEAD: "We need you to go over to [SITE] and confirm the installation so we can invoice and get paid. How soon can you do it.

ME: *checks phone* "I just had a cancel on Wednesday, I can get there after lunch."

DIRECTOR: "Okay, not bad. Is there any reason you couldn't go over there today?"

ME: "Well, frankly, I'm about to make my third trip to the restroom and don't trust myself to do a good job." *deadpan*

OPS LEAD: *raises eyebrows, nods*

DIRECTOR: *stoic refusal to react*

PROJECT MANAGER: *killing himself with silent laughter*

[Borgholio]

Customer : "I'm trying to open your program and nothing is happening."

Me: "Are you getting any error messages?"

Customer : "No."

Me: "Have you tried rebooting the machine?"

Customer : "Yes."

Me : *remote desktop into customer's computer*

Me : "Loads up fine for me, I can see it right here."

Customer : "I can't see anything."

Me : "It's on your second monitor. *pause* Is your second monitor turned on?"

Customer : "No."

[Broomstick]

We have a number of busy body customers. One of them is an old lady.

1) She is outraged - OUTRAGED! - that the women staff are wearing MEN'S SHIRTS! Seriously. Store uniform is a red polo shirt. Apparently the buttons are on the wrong side for women. She demands to speak to a manager about this, or the store director. How dare the company make women wear inappropriate clothes.

2) Her other constant complaint is that we women are required to lift boxes of stock when re-stocking the shelves. It's going to hurt us! It will damage your woman parts, girl! Again, she goes to management and the store director to complain about making the women in the store do physical work. We should be cashiers and let the men do the lifting.

Lady, will you shut the fuck up already? Cashiering is much harder on the feet and lower back than what I do. And no, lifting the boxes will not harm my "woman parts", seriously, does she think I'm attempting to lift with my fallopian tubes or something? I'm transporting shampoo or soap or hair brushes or aspirin in my vagina? Now, back injuries might occur, but those can happen to either gender. Who the fuck cares about which side a shirt buttons on? Do you really examine the shirt of everyone you encounter for proper buttoning? Will you get a fucking life already?

Stop telling my store director I shouldn't have the job I have unless you intend to take over my bills for me. I need my job. Also, the store director - who can and has slung boxes with the rest of us when necessary - thinks you're a loon but is much too polite to tell you that to your face.

[Kanastrous]

"Our female employees are encouraged to secure their woman parts in their employee locker at the start of each shift prior to beginning their tasks, in the interest of workplace safety."

[Zaune]

"Our female employees are encouraged to secure their woman parts in their employee locker at the start of each shift prior to beginning their tasks, in the interest of workplace safety."

Would knowing the context make this less disturbing?

[Kanastrous]

Almost certainly not.

[Raw Shark]

CRAZY, COKED-UP SLUT: You're too cute to be a cab driver! Why are you driving people around instead of driving women crazy!?

YOUR DRIVER: Because I have to pay rent? That'll be seven dollars...

[Alyrium Denryle]

CRAZY, COKED-UP SLUT: You're too cute to be a cab driver! Why are you driving people around instead of driving women crazy!?

YOUR DRIVER: Because I have to pay rent? That'll be seven dollars...

You cant do both? Because from what I have read in here those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Hell, you drive men and hedonic androids crazy...

[Raw Shark]

She was trying to get me to knock off work early and go to a strip club with her and her friends on a day when I really couldn't afford to. Also, kind of a lousy tipper.

[Zaune]

She was trying to get me to knock off work early and go to a strip club with her and her friends on a day when I really couldn't afford to. Also, kind of a lousy tipper.

Sounds like she was offering to tip you with sex, which is not my definition of a bad tip unless there was a non-negligible risk of coming away with the clap.

[Raw Shark]

Still had to work, and I would not call that risk negligible at all based on the five minutes I knew her.

[Napoleon the Clown]

I somehow doubt Shark's landlord would consider "Dude, I nailed a coked-up slut!" to be payment for rent.


Sure, it would be awesome if telling one's landlord would knock money off the rent for that month. But I just can't see it happening.

[Raw Shark]

Hell, you drive men and hedonic androids crazy...

Speaking of, here's one from last week's notes...

HEDONISM BOT: [texting] Hey, do you want to come over and do some coke?

YOUR DRIVER: No, thanks.

HEDONISM BOT: Do you want to fuck me in the throat?

YOUR DRIVER: No, [Hedonism Bot].

HEDONISM BOT: Why not? I swear my throat feels better than any pussy.

YOUR DRIVER: It's a matter of my taste, not your capabilities.

HEDONISM BOT: Your taste is exactly what I'm interested in!

YOUR DRIVER: I'm shutting off my phone now.

[Raw Shark]

I somehow doubt Shark's landlord would consider "Dude, I nailed a coked-up slut!" to be payment for rent.


Sure, it would be awesome if telling one's landlord would knock money off the rent for that month. But I just can't see it happening.

You have just reshaped my vision of a perfect world. Thank you, Sir.