1. Introduction
2. REMOVE ARAB
3. ZE GERMAN
4. Matthias
5. The Decision
6. The Quest for the Purple
7. Consolidation
8. Holy Wars, stabbings and pirates, oh my.
9. Beware of Dwarf Race Drivers
10. The Saga of Cethegus and Gyla
11. Rome Sweet Rome
12. Sankt Manuel
13. The Dream of Imperium
14. Belisarios I, The Conquering Scholar
15. Julius II., the Unremarkable
16. Traianus II Part I: The Death of Islam
17. Traianus II Part II: The Scourge
18. Traianus II Part III: "Soft"
19. Aurelianus the insane Omelette-Eater
20. Gallienus the Mongol-slayer
21. Claudius the Liberator
22. Meletios the accidental Emperor
23. Julius III the Shadow-Ruler
24. The restoration of the Rhine Frontier
25. Wining the peace
26. Romanos & Julius - the last true Feudal Emperors
The Thanasiad or: How I learned to stop worrying and embrace castration
"Do you know what the realm is? The thousand blades of Rome's enemies. A story we agree to tell each other over and over, until we forget that it's a lie. But what do we have left once we abandon the lie? Chaos. A gaping pit waiting to swallow us all. But no, chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail, and never get the chance to try again; the fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is." - Petrus Baelus, Sicilian political theorist.
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The world in the year 867 was ripe for the taking. It was the perfect time for a noble house, the remains of Roman sicily, to start the climb towards glory.
To the north, there was the ever hungry kingdom of Lombardia, which had just a little over a century ago swallowed up the Exarchate of Ravenna. Although its south had rebelled over and over again, the small duchies that seperated it from Byzantine Italy were little more than puffer zones. To the west, Sardinia and Corsica had fallen. To the south, the Banu el Aglhab had conquered the Exarchate of Carthago. After sacking the city, to add insult to injury, they had built a new Capital called Tunis near it. Egypt had fallen to the Banu Tulum sultanate, leading to much suffering and population reduction in the once sprawling cities of the Empire. In the east, the Abbasid Caliphate, though weakened, still remained the premier Islamic power. In the north of Thrace, Bulgarian hordes awaited another chance to rip even more territory out of the empire. Already the Khan was using the skull of a former Emperor as his personal chalice.
And further North of Italy, the greedy Franks, always squabbling and divided, awaited their turn to look south once more.
The crest of the house was - in true Roman fashion - a Golden Imperial Eagle upon red.
The head of the house was a 19-year old Greek Noble named Ioannis. He was of towering intellect, a bit wounded, somewhat lustful and definitely gluttonous. Some called him a bulbus maximus, others referred to him as a Fatty Nerd.
His realm consisted of the remains of Roman sicily - the barren island of Malta and the city of Syracusa.
Syracuse, once the home of many a greek tyrant of note, was now a rather poor county composed of one Fortress and two towns. The influx of Arab settlers had shifted the local culture and religion. It was now more common to see Arab camel cavalry instead of the glorious kataphrakts.
Together with Malta, this county produced a mere 1.2 gold surplus a month.
Yet, despite this dire situation, hope had arisen for the empire. A young, strong emperor, with a penchant for blinding his enemies and slaying Bulgarians, had recently usurped the throne.
The young men, creatively named by his parents King King of Kings, had gained the throne with the help of a horde of viking warriors. He even had married a barbarian princess from the North, something that was not well-received among the nobility, though nobody dared to lose their eyes and balls for speaking out of turn. Privately, Duke Ionannis cursed himself for not hiring some of the barbarians himself. If all it took was bedding a female warrior....
Yet the King King of Kings is not the hero of this tale. Let us introduce the villains.
"BY GOD JOSEPH, THAT'S KARLING MUSIC."
The Karlings. Ever since that Frankish barbarian had freed Rome from the grasp of Rome, they had bred and multiplied like Rabbits. Currently no fewer than four of them lorded over the north.
There was Roi Charles III the bald of France:
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Louis II of Lombardia
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Lothaire II of Lotharingia (another creative name)
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Ludwig II of Germany
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Another cadet branch ruled in Baiern and the alpine region. However, since those and other mountain Germans were well known to be primitive and primarily occupied by shitting in canyons, they were regarded as the smaller (though smellier) threat.
Far more worrying were the three Devils:
- the Abbasid devil, who could claim descent from Mohammed himself
- the Banu Tulum devil who had so cruelly cut off the Empire from its grain
- The Banu el Aghlab devil which had recently taken sicily.
As was typical of a fatty nerd(tm), Count-Duke Ioannis lacked a certain focus in life.
There were several options:
- the suckier version of intrigue
- seduction
- hunting
- the suicidal martial
- drinking&whoring
- family
- prayer
- scholar
- business
- suckier version of business
He wondered which one he should choose?
The business of state was well in hand already, for despite his lack of focus Ioannis still consumed large quantities of food. He had also developed a strange affinity for heathen wine, which further emptied the coffers.
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His steward, whose abilities could best be described as average, was sent to istan polis to suck up to further diplomatic relations with the Emperor.
His Marshal was ordered to whip as many peasants as possible into fighting shape.
His Chancellor, one of the arab immigrants which polluted the countryside but were quite good at math, was ordered to squeeze the peasants to the point of starvation collect the just tithes.
The Spymaster - who for some reason still held a grudge - was ordered to keep an eye on all those pesky arabs at court.
The Ecclesiarch was nowhere to be found, for the last diocese had fallen to the arabs a few months ago. He had absconded to Sparta with the entire choir boys.
Another issue was the marriage question. To this, the duke had ordered agents to search the courts of Europe for one suitable person. Today the agents had returned with one promising candidate.
Needless to say, the arguments were flying high.
"A German? The peasants won't like that".
"Why can't you marry a nice helenic girl?"
"But she was so good at maths - I think she should be able to teach you a thing or two about money, my lords."
"A German teaching a Greek about fiscal issues? Preposterous."
"And there is that frightening accent..."
"Be glad that she is not named Angela".
This settled the issue. Agents were dispatched with a suitable bribe (three young arab slave boys) for the Bishop to consent to the marriage. While the Count-Duke was preparing himself for a GERMAN to trample all over his precious books, an agent arrived from the border.
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"My lord, the dogs of Tunis have declared war on us. They intend to conquer all of Sicily."
After much howling, the Duke's voice cut through the chaos. "SILENCE. ASSEMBLE THE GLORIOUS MEN OF ROME."
The Marshal made his report. "My lord, we have close to 750 men assembled. FOR GLORY."
The Duke nodded and whispered to his spymaster. "How large is the invasion army going to be?"
"....Well fuck me."
"...but the German hasn't arrived yet, my lord."
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Any questions/comments?
What focus and what strategy shall we attempt? Besides pray that the King King of Kings arrives to our rescue, for otherwise this will be a very short LP.
