I have the distinct feeling this movie was basically designed as a stealth set-up for two more movies, introducing all these concepts for the expressed purpose of bringing them back down the line; they didn't use them because they didn't want to overplay them in the future.

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1980s Rock is to music what Giant Robot shows are to anime
Think about it.

Cruising low in my N-1 blasting phat beats,
showin' off my chrome on them Coruscant streets
Got my 'saber on my belt and my gat by side,
this here yellow plane makes for a sick ride

Here's an actual review to make up for that incoherent mess I wrote before.


Okay, I think I’ve put this off long enough. The reason it took me so long to write a review is because I just don’t care about this movie, I didn’t care about it going in and simply saw it as a result of not having anything better to do on a Friday.

Captain Jack is back once again and the movie picks up I’m guessing a few months after the last one ended. Jack is still looking for the fountain of youth, but he’s not the only one. He races against Spaniards (who are literally just there to ruin everyone’s day and leave), Blackbeard and company (despite travelling with them), and even Barbossa (who is easily the best developed character of the film).

So of course we’re missing Will and Elizabeth Turner and most of the supporting cast in this one, so to replace them we get a religious missionary, a mermaid, and a few random faces that don’t do much. Nothing against religion, but holy crap that guy needed to shut up. Minus a single mermaid (I’m not even gonna talk about their subplot), he wasn’t liked by a single character (good, bad or somewhere in between), and how are we supposed to like him if absolutely no one else does. “I’m neither with you nor against you” he proclaims, then why are you here?

Ian McShane works as Blackbeard I guess, the whole “my sword controls the ship” thing was a bit of a stretch, but it did look cool. I didn’t care for Penelope Cruz’s Angelica because of the forced sexual innuendo between her and Jack. During her entrance, we’re to believe that she’s a guy since we never actually see her, so the audience is suppose to freak out when Jack makes out with her. The problem with that, it’s a terrible joke that’s slightly homophobic and fails to work because it didn’t take much thought to realize that was Penelope Cruz at the start of the scene.

I noticed that during the promotion of this movie, they really kept boasting about the fact that they had mermaids and zombies. There were two zombies that were just there not really doing much, but the mermaids actually surprised me. They start off with a simple song sung by one and it turns into a wonderfully done action sequence that’s almost as great as the Kraken from Dead Man’s Chest.

I’d give the movie a lower rating, but it was competently made for the most part and the sequence with the mermaids was awesome, so I’ll just call it average.

2/4

it was okay. blackbeard and the mermaid attacks kicked ass, and i actually liked the missionary dude. I might have to watch it again with my sister since she is a massive fan of the franchise

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"Lexx takes politically correct Star Trek-style sci-fi, murders its conventions, and then urinates on their graves" Darth Wong on LEXX

"Screw the Rules I Have Money" Yugioh the Abridged Series.

"But then again as a kid I wanted the planeeters to die horrible deaths when Captain Planet was on TV"-Sarevok

Pros:
Penelope Cruz >> Keira Knightley. Was still expecting Will (the Dutchman) and Lizzie to appear at some point though.
Jack and Barbossa are very well portrayed.


Cons:

Where is the Rum!?!
NO BATTLE ON THE HIGH SEAS! (or in the Caribbean)

Lots of characters, few to actually care about.
Convoluted story.
Film was too long in my opinion

WHERE IS THE RUM!!!

Cruz should have been stinking drunk when she finds Jack's voodoo doll.

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Commence primary legislation!

If aliens every really tried to contact us it'd be through the internet. Then 4chan would probably scare them off.
Pintsize - Questionable Content

But the thing is… they were right. The fountain was an unholy abomination that required human sacrifice to work. It should be destroyed.

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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Salvor Hardin, Isaac Asimov "Bridle and Saddle" (aka "The Mayors", in Foundation), 1942.

I love how that fact got buried under the landslide of "Spanish Christians OMG EVILLLLLLLL"

I may be in a minority but I don't think On Stranger Tides is that bad, I was planning on seeing Attack the Block but for logistical reasons I saw PotC IV instead. On Stranger Tides is not quite as thoroughly mediocre as At World's End, but not as good as The Curse of the Black Pearl or even Dead Man's Chest, a big blazing ball of adequacy who's sole purpose is to keep the cash cow waddling along. Maybe a score of 6/10?

Johnny Depp is good as always as Captain Jack, the bumbling anti-hero who seems to wing it 90% of the time, with Geoffrey Rush providing the foil as a now noticeably aging Barbossa, while Penelope Cruz is nice eye candy who's more convincing than Knightly at being a lady pirate. The underrated Kevin McNally carries on as Depp's sidekick, Stephen Graham is an OK new comer and Ian McShane is too calm as Blackbeard. The plot is more Raiders of the Lost Ark than The Return of the King, and all the better, with a trip to a Hogarthian London and the encounters with mermaids in a desolate rocky bay being the high point of the movie. If you tolerated or even liked the earlier sequels, this movie is alright, but if you hated the PotC sequels with a venomous passion steer clear.

Going back on the antagonists, Ian McShane was not unbearable and looked the part, but his quiet sinisterness was more suited on The Pillars of the Earth, perhaps somebody like Tim Curry could've been Blackbeard while magnificient bastard extraordinaire James Purefoy could've done a cameo as that mysterious Spanish agent who led those Spanish soldiers/marines.

My my the Black Pearl has had an interesting journey through the past four movies...

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'Alright guard, begin the unnecessarily slow moving dipping mechanism...' - Dr. Evil

'Secondly, I don't see why "income inequality" is a bad thing. Poverty is not an injustice. There is no such thing as causes for poverty, only causes for wealth. Poverty is not a wrong, but taking money from those who have it to equalize incomes is basically theft, which is wrong.' - Typical Randroid

'I think it's gone a little bit wrong.' - The Doctor

I thought it was entertaining, if a bit forced. A lot of it seemed to be adapted to the PotC mold by adding in the requisite escape, swordfight scenes instead of having them grow organically from the plot. There are plot holes aplenty, but none so massive they ruin the plot entirely.

I personally liked Blackbeard's portrayal. The interplay between him and the cleric in the mutiny sequence was quite enjoyable, in the Phillip's (overwrought) righteousness, and Blackbeard's understated villainy. It continued through the jungle sequence (including the call back to the Pirates' Code from Curse).

The "SHE HAS A NAME" moment cracked me up though. I'm not sure if the humor was intentional, but it just made me laugh out loud. "SHE HAS A NAME!" "Oh? Care to share it?" "Derrrrrrrrrrrr". I really wanted it to be something incredibly unpretty like Hortense or Gretchen or Mildred. Or have her whisper at the end of the scene, "actually, it's 'Anne', but thanks for trying!"

My main problem with the movie is it seemed to have to many disjounted random scenes, especially towards the end. I don't know if that's because they had too much material and just decided to say "fuck it" and cut the connecting scenes or what. And yeah even though Will and Liz weren't my favoriate characters, would have been nice to have scene a Cameo, and oh I dunno maybe a battle at sea, and perhaps an act of piracy. I got to thinking, the only actual piracy we see during the whole PotC series is at the begining of the first movie. The rest of it they seem to be treasure hunting or doing some other odd task.