In my newest collaborated universe project, me and my buddy made space greco-romans with a penchant for historical bullshittery. Viola!
It was two millennia ago, during the 3567th of the After Earth, that the renowned storyteller Homaeseop Domedocus discovered the Lost Labours of Heraculus, otherwise known as Heracules – the Savior of Elysium.
These Labours of Heracules, at the time of their discovery, caused much contention amongst the disciples of Herodotoles and Aristocrates. Scholars versed in history were undecided over the veracity of the Labours, for the uncovered narratives clashed with the other accounts of Heracules’ great exploits, narratives known to all in the Sovereignty to be truth.
However, despite the debates of the intellectuals, when the Lost Labours of Heraculus was read at theatres across Elysium and the Nine Vectors, all of the plebeians applauded Domedocus’ uncovered masterpiece. Across the Sovereign stars, the Lost Labours of Heraculus was accepted – and from then on, the Lost Labours became known as:
Heracules' Labours of Love
So it was that when great Remulus and his beloved Helena sired the Hellenistic peoples of Elysium, the noble lineage of Remulus carried forth throughout the generations – and so, the glory that was once Earth That Was would one day be returned by the flawless Elysium. For after Singularity, when the Mother Gods of Earth That Was banished the Pantheon of Old Gods to slumber in the realm of Eternium, some of the Gods awoke from their unending slumber. The first of these awoken Old Gods was Prometheos, who, in kindness, taught Remulus and the fledgling Hellenists of things such as fire. But not all of the awoken gods would be as benevolent as Prometheos, or as kind.
In the many eons since Remulus, from his noble lineage came forth a daughter – nubile and purest. Her beauty was renowned throughout Elysium, and many men wished for her, but in her purity, she was chaste. Because of this, the men of Elysium grieved, for they thought she would stay untouched forever. They were wrong.
From the gates of Eternium, another of the Old Gods was vomited out. Immediately, he sought out Prometheos and punished him – for the benevolent god dared to insinuate himself amongst mortals. When his thirst for revenge was filled, the Old God then sought to slake his lust – for he was none other than Zeupiter, the father, whose discharges were lightning and emissions thunder! He came for the daughter of Remulus.
The daughter of Remulus, no longer chaste, no longer purest, gave birth to a son – and she named him Heracules.
[This account is oft disputed in the annals of historians, for in the other true account of Heracules, the Old Gods only came out of their slumber during the Twilight, the end of the Golden Age and the First Era – where they threw Heracules into the Tenth Vector of the Known and Unknown Universe]
Homaseop’s incomplete but true account of Heracules’ Labours then speaks of the time after his vanquishment of the Space Hydra, but long before his conquest of Aberdeen, where young Heracules first became renowned amongst the people of Elysium as not only a great adventurer, but as a leader of men also. It was during the time when Jasonesius and the Astrogonauts quested to vanquish the Gorgonzolas and retrieve the Fleece of Life, which was wrapped around the genitals of the Caledonian Chimeraboar, that Heracules and his new-found love, Hylas decided to aid the adventurers – for they too wished to explore the universe.
They ventured forth through the gates, and the Labours accounts paralleled that of the story of the Astrogonauts. As in the tale of the Astrogonauts, it is said that when they were upon the world of Orleans, nubile Hylas was snatched away by space nymphs. In much grief and sorrow, Heracules mourned the passing of his love and threw himself off the Argo – Jasonesius’ ship. But the Labours continued Heracules’ tale from there, telling of how he fell upon the defiled jungles of Orleans. As the Astrogonauts left him for dead and continued their hunt for the Gorgonzolas and their pet Chimeraboar, Heracules searched across the mangroves and black lagoons for his beloved Hylas, defeating all manner of swamp creatures and monstrosities – wrestling all of them down in the mud.
It is said that as he did so, wading through the mud, he tore off his vestments in grief and cried for Hylas – and upon the sight of his unclothedness, the space nymphs who snatched Hylas away were tempted at Heracules’ manly beauty. They approached him, and in rage he tried to slay them. But seeing as he could not, he wept and bemoaned the lost of his one true love. The space nymphs, upon seeing this, were moved with pity and so they comforted Heracules and bedded him – and after this, they had no choice but to tell Heracules of the fate of young Hylas.
They told him that the otherwise-polite tree folk of Orleans sought to copulate with Hylas in all forms of ungodly manners, and at this news Heracules was horrified. In rage he ran through the swamps and leapt over the trees and rivers, until he came upon the habitations of the tree-folk. There, he saw them rubbing their filthy bark and branches against Hylas, who was sore and lacerated. At this grotesque sight, Heracules uttered a mighty scream and destroyed the tree-folk. Then he rescued Hylas, and he comforted the weeping Hylas.
The Argo returned and the pair were taken back by Jasonesius, but not after encapsulating Orleans in flame.
Upon his return home, Heracules’ tale shocked the people of Elysium. And in accordance with his and Hylas’ wishes, Elysium outlawed trees.
This proclamation did not last long, and soon lumber once more sprouted from the fertile plains of Elysium. The Labours then move on to tell of the time after Heracules’ conquered Aberdeen – but before his epic battle at Themiscyra. It is said that as he presided over the Games of Heraculaneum, which was set upon the mighty arena which was built on the great crater caused by Heracules’ parting gift to the then-king of Aberdeen, he stood upon a gigantic podium of marble fashioned upon his own resplendent image. And as the Celtic lumberjacks competed against the foreign Metallian athletes in feats of hurling iron lumber, he saw Hylas being stolen away by his most foul foes – fiends from Krydonialopolis, mercenaries under the command of Diana of Themiscyra. As the naked Hylas struggled against his oppressors, gouging their eyeballs and kicking their shins, he screamed for his love – but they gagged him and took him away.
Rageful Heracules then ran off after Hylas, paying no heed to the games the people of Aberdeen played in honor of his devastation of their world. As the Krydonialopolians flew off in their boat, he gave chase as he commandeered a Celtic starfighter – painted in plaid.
Through the gates he pursued them, performing great feats of astronautic combat against those who sought to impede his way. It did not take long for him to reach his destination: Krydonialopolis.
Discovering that the ship landed upon the world’s mightiest palace, Heracules demanded an audience with the master of the realm. But his blasphemous words offended the inhabitants, and so they apprehended him – kicking him in the face for good measure. Heracules was not deterred however, for he enjoyed the blows to his face – for his apprehenders broke their foots in kicking his perfect form, whose musculature was expertly sculpted like the grand statues that orbited Elysium.
The limping apprehenders then brought Heracules to the throne of the world-master, and upon the foot of the throne, he saw Hylas – bruised and clad in tattered robes, wet with emissions. But before Heracules could comfort the weeping Hylas or scream in rage at the atrocities done to him, he was aghast at the obscene sight he beheld above the world-throne. For above the world-throne was a sight like none other: a cocoon!
And as if noticing his glare, the cocoon began pulsating and radiating an evil glow. And then it hatched, and as the foul entity from within emerged, its entrance was heralded by the blowing of trumpets.
Before Heracules stood his greatest foe, resplendent with a chest as equally muscled and as equally oiled as his own. With the body of a man-giant and a head of a creature. It was the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis!
[It is said that the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis was Heracules half-brother, for the mighty god Zeupiter bedded another woman after the daughter of Remulus. This time, the woman resisted – and in rage, Zeupiter bedded her not as a man, but as a foul beast. The veracity of this account is doubted by some, however]
At the foul sight before him, Heracules cried out a rageful scream and attacked the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis. But the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis was as equally endowed as mighty Heracules, and withstood his pummeling. Blow was traded for blow, and both mighty man and beast struggled amidst the world-throne of Krydonialopolis. It was a titanic battle that leveled the entire palace, but despite this, both fought on for a month of mortal combat.
It was then, at Krydonialopolis’ solar equinox, that the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis gained the upper hand. For with the coming of the solar equinox, the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis gained strength unlike any other. And at Heracules, the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis hurled magycks at him! As the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis threw magycks at Heracules, Elysium’s first son cried in futile pain as he was subdued and felled with much thrashing and screaming. At this, the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis laughed, chuckled and cackled.
Resplendent in his victory, the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis turned to Hylas – eager to molest the nubile lad with his filthy paws and gnarled hooves.
Hylas could only shriek in horror as the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis began insinuating itself against him.
But from the rubble came forth Heracules, rageful with uncontestable and immesurable anger. And as the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis turned to once-more throw magycks at his foe, he too shrieked, for in rage Heracules threw the sky at him.
- Homaesop the Profound, On Heracules' Labours of Love
[This is how the incomplete tales of Heracules' Labours of Love ends. Though there are some disputations with the other chronicles of the exploits of Elysium’s first son, it is accepted that the sum of these accounted events are in fact truthful]
[To this day, the denizens of Krydonialopolis worship the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis. To spite them, much of the Sovereignty’s Nautikon’s mighty Gladius ships have murals of Heracules standing atop the felled Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis, preparing to crush the Great Arch-Moose of Krydonialopolis with the sky]
shroom is a lovely boy and i wont hear a bad word against him - LUSY-CHAN!
Shit! Man, I didn't think of that! It took Shroom to properly interpret the screams of dying people - PeZook
Shroom, I read out the stuff you write about us. You are an endless supply of morale down here. :p - an OWS street medic
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!