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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2008-12-24 07:39pm
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This chapter was largely written by Academia Nut with contributions from Darth Fanboy, it is set in the UPF Verse and features a character crossover from "The Open Door" Universe.



Unnamed Porno Fanfic XL: The Education of Jonathan Archer

The Daltonian Command Ship turned Refugee Ship Fontaine's Folly...

"Prime, we are detecting an unusual anomaly coming from the nexus of the explosion!

Out of the hole in reality that had once been the Fanfic Fortress of Solitude, something slipped unnoticed and unseen amidst the destruction. Pulled by forces barely within human understanding and traveling along through time and space, it sought out a creature of like minded attitude to bond with.

Floating unseen and ethereal into a pocket of space-time distorted in such a way that it moved faster than mere light would allow, it found a delicious pocket of experience and drifted in, moving closer to a soul in agony, crying out for salvation. The sort of salvation that the invisible creature just a shadow’s thickness away in an impossible direction could offer.

"Jesus fuck what was that?" Prime Dalton said as the image flicked on the viewscreen. "Was it....was it carrying a DILDO?"

"It could have been a vibrator sir. Whatever it was, it looked like it could fill upa set of human intestines rather easily. That is, assuming the bowels were clean." Responded Dalton #2468

Prime Dalton and the other Daltons simply turned towards #2468 with a look of bewilderment on their face.



For her part, Hoshi was a third delirious with pain, a third delirious with fear, and a third delirious with a lack of oxygen. She had thought herself free from Archer when she got that job in South America and he intended to go to the stars, but it seemed that escape from the madman was impossible. That he had hunted her down and demanded she join his crew meant that there was no escape from him or his sick “games”.

He didn’t look it on the outside, but there was something fundamentally wrong and twisted with Jonathan Archer, and Hoshi had known that her last attempt at running had only irked him, so when he had invited her for “dinner” she did not resist, knowing it would only make his psychotic rage ten times worse.

That a Vulcan known as T’Pol had also been there had absolutely terrified Hoshi. He only invited to his games those who had angered him and apparently the stuffy Vulcan had been pushing all of his buttons ever since meeting him, and now that she was under his command…

When Archer had brained T’Pol upside the head with a galley tray the moment Hoshi had closed the door, she knew it was going to be bad.

Now the both of them were stripped, bound and gagged. T’Pol had enormous, oversized vibrators sized for a significantly larger species shoved painfully deep into each orifice and was making little, pathetic sounds while her eyes were locked open with and unable to blink from the drugs Archer had given her. A nasty concoction worked up by that sick Denobulan that passed for a Doctor known as Phlox. Although she wanted nothing more, T'Pol could not look away from the ministrations Hoshi was about to recieve.

What had started ten years ago as a little light rope work and dominance play had evolved into a demented nightmare the day Hoshi had met Archer. It had started with the whips and moved up to temporary piercings, but eventually he crossed a line where it was no longer fun for Hoshi, but by that point she had realized that trying to fight back would get her killed and so she kept quiet, terrified that he would eventually go too far and kill her but more terrified that if she ran he would definitely kill her.

So now a series of ropes connected to eight nails driven through the skin of her back suspended her just off the deck of Archer’s quarters while also tying back her arms. If she stretched out her legs she could just reach the floor and lift off a little to provide some relief to the pressure that felt like it was going to rip her back off. Unfortunately, her legs were having trouble supporting her.

There were three reasons for this. The first was because a tight latex mask encased her face and her only method of breathing was through two straws shoved up her nose, and Archer placed his thumbs over the opposite ends of the straws several times and said things like, “I’m the captain of this starship, I control everything on here, including when you get to breathe. Oxygen is a precious resource out in space, wouldn’t want to use it up too quickly, now would we?”

The second was that in addition to wearing black stiletto heels, a crotch less leotard with attached frilly pink tutu, and a leather aviator’s cap spray painted gold, Archer carried a stiff pink leather riding crop he had used to savagely whip Hoshi across the buttocks until her skin had opened up, causing her considerable agony and making it rather hard to try and support even a tiny fraction of her weight on her legs.

The third reason she couldn’t support herself was that now that she was suffering acute hypoxia and incredible pain, Archer had decided that now was the time to begin penetration, and as such he had pushed her legs apart, making it impossible to get them to touch the floor while also providing no extra support.

And while she hung there, staring down at the puddle of her own blood that was on the floor, suffering the worst depredations she ever had, she felt something touch her mind.

"You poor dear. You once enjoyed it when a partner would tie you up, make you safe and secure, but now it only brings pain you can’t savour."

Hoshi didn’t know what was going on, but she suspected she was hallucinating.

"No hallucination, just a fellow connoisseur of the erotic arts. You remember the days when your partners would respect the safe words, wouldn’t tell you ‘Its apricots’ before shoving a ball gag in your mouth and laughing at your inability to speak."

Hoshi sort of half nodded, half hung her head, but hanging her head not only strained her position but let her see the legs of the bastard currently violating her.

"I can help you though. I can show you a whole new world of experience. And it will be a pity for your partner that he never gave you his safe word. Just tell me that you want this to stop, and I’ll make it stop."

Underneath her mask, Hoshi gasped out an approximation of the word, “Apricots.”

Archer's thrusting stopped almost immediately as the sensations of Hoshi's insides changed to something more akin to fishhooks and broken glass. Gasping in pain, he leaned on Hoshi, putting immense stress on the nails pulling on her skin. The flesh bent weirdly, with an elasticity that should not have been possible while morphing into an inhuman color.

But nothing could have prepared Archer for the next intimate surprise he was about to recieve. HE looked down, and Hoshi’s pussy was starting to whistle rhythmically, while her hips were rocking in a manner reminiscent of someone bobbing their head jovially to a tune. Then her labia minora started to move like lips and sing.

“Vagina dentata
What a wonderful phrase
Vagina dentata
Ain’t no passing craze
It means no penis
For the rest of your days!”

In an instant the hooks piercing his flesh turned to grinding, cutting implements and Archer screamed in agony as he was forcibly separated from his manhood. Blood spurting everywhere, he tried to get away and get to his intercom, but Hoshi’s legs wrapped around him tightly, keeping him close.

With a horrible tearing sound, something pushed out of the latex Vulcan fuck-mask that had ensnared Hoshi, something that turned out to be her tongue. Only now it was of indefinite length and had a series of razor sharp cutting barbs on it that carefully cut away the remnants of the mask, revealing a twisted face and eyes blacker than the void outside the window.

Using her legs, she levered herself up on Archer, who hadn’t fallen over only because she wouldn’t let him. Her pussy now in his face, overflowing with his blood, her clit then protruded out of its sheath like a prehensile pseudopod and a tiny, black insect eye opened open. Flapping horrifically and spray fluid in his face, her vagina said, “Oh honey, you in for a world of hurt now.”

The tongue reached the cords suspending Hoshi and began to cut her loose, the snapping of each strand causing her new "mouth" to gasp in ecstatic pleasure until finally it was all too much and the both of them crashed to the floor.

Too busy trying to hold back the flow of blood from his crotch Archer just continued to thrash on the floor while the abomination Hoshi had turned into got up… sort of. Whatever she was, she was now inverted, with her arms now serving as her legs and her forearms her feet while her head hung upside down and her feet were curled above her like the arms of a praying mantis, her feet having turned into pincer claws. Her regular face was horrifically distended, her whole mouth and nose collapsed into that dread tongue, offering no orifices to breath from.

With horrible slowness Archer’s own severed penis was extruded from Hoshi and then seemed to merge into her body, forming a grotesque, bloody “tongue” for the “mouth” she spoke out of.

Turning to T’Pol, the monster offered consolation. “Do not worry, your relief will come soon, but for now This One has to make sure the good captain doesn’t bleed out on us so that he might learn a real lesson in depravity.”

The snake-like tongue then darted out and slipped into the hole where Archer’s penis had once been and started clamping and tying shut all the little arteries and veins that were currently leaking out his life. He was now catastrophically pale, but he would keep for a while longer.

While the tongue did its painful, messy work, the monstrosity commented, “You, should be grateful Archer. This One would have liked a little tongue that first time you kissed her, but even then you were far too cold and self absorbed.”

Once the job was done, the grossly mutated Hoshi stomped over to T’Pol and used her pincer feet to remove the oversized vibrators, the tongue tickling lightly at the horribly overextended flesh before she said, “As promised. Although you are free to leave whenever you want I do hope you'll stay and enjoy the show, then maybe you and This One can spend some more delicate and quality time together ”

She then turned back to Archer and said, “You’re about to get ten years worth of payback for your sins compressed into one evening's work by a master. Normally I would ask you to enjoy, but it has been decided that you will recieve the same courtesy that you extended to This One.”

Archer tried to scream, but the tongue that had once been his penis was thrust forward, rocketing through the air until it reached his wide open throat. He bit down in an attempt to deflect it but was only rewarded with a terrifying pain. Somehow, though it had been severed, he was still able to feel the searing pain of his own bite cutting into his penis.



Meanwhile, a certain Malcolm Reed sat in his quarters, watching via the camera he had installed in the air vent leading into Archer's quarters. He slowly stroked himself while watching the scene, building up speed when he realized that he was witnessing something truly original. A true deviant at heart, Reed had signed up for the mission intending to start the first ever human interstellar pornography ring, and if this was any indicator of how their travels would go, he was set to become so rich that his descendants would be wealthy for generations to come!



What had originally been scheduled for an evening ended up lasting for the better part of a day, and not even Hoshi's benefactor could keep Archer going forever. Eventually the good captain had passed out from the strain and had collapsed. When that was over with, the mysterious being left Hoshi's body and returned to a discorporeal state. The young woman, now healed from the damage Archer had done, climbed into the bed with T'Pol. Both women were eager to celebrate their newfound freedom from their tyrant of a dom.

The being though knew that a petty man like Archer wouldn't hesitate to exact revenge, and she had grown to rather like Hoshi as well. Floating into the next room, she sensed a strange yet familiar species of life. She had never tried posessing a canine before, and wondered how the beast's differing phsyiology would affect her. With a sinister laugh the being decided to find out, sentient beings could sometimes be so boring.

Now, in her guise as Porthos the Beagle, she would protect Hoshi, and provide frequent reminders to Captain Archer that he was being watched.



[Reveal] Spoiler: "SECRET STORY"
Sam Beckett awoke in searing pain, all of his orfices throbbed in excruciating pain and he fumbled around with his penis, surprised to find it intact.

"Sam! Sam! Are you okay?"

"I think so, but what in the fuck just happened?"

"You did it! You leaped! Ziggy says that this Archer fuck was supposed to get tormented so that he wouldn't abuse any more submissives!"

"So all of that torture and shit was...necessary? But I didn't do anything, why did I have to leap into that sick bastard?"

"Ziggy says that the universe is a cruel fucking place and that you need to learn how to deal with it."

"Tell Ziggy to go fuck himself." Beckett said as he looked into a nearby mirror, and saw an attractive and youthful female form. "Hey not bad, maybe i'll take a little extra time getting to know this body." He said to himself. HIs excitement was destroyed when he heard the voice in the other room.

"Kaitie hurry up! We have to go get our Thetan levels checked before we head over for the big party in Clearwater! Oh, and Monty is going to spend the night again tomorrow and I don't want you disturbing us."

Beckett's head fell into his hands. "Fuck..."



"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin (1937-2008)

"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting."
-Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.


Last edited by Darth Fanboy on 2008-12-24 08:12pm, edited 1 time in total.
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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2008-12-24 07:51pm
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Dear gods, Mislaato's loose in UPF...

And just whose body did Sam jump into? I gather he's at the Cruise house, but he sure didn't jump into Tom Cruise because he heard him calling for Katie.



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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2008-12-24 08:11pm
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Crayz9000 wrote:
Dear gods, Mislaato's loose in UPF...

And just whose body did Sam jump into? I gather he's at the Cruise house, but he sure didn't jump into Tom Cruise because he heard him calling for Katie.


[Reveal] Spoiler:
Katie's



"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin (1937-2008)

"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting."
-Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2008-12-24 11:53pm
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Fuck me.



XXV

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-01-23 09:34pm
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Really not a good idea to read this through right from the beginning in one go.
I'm just going to find a nice dark corner to curl up in and gibber quietly to myself for a while.



So I stare wistfully at the Lightning for a couple of minutes. Two missiles, sharply raked razor-thin wings, a huge, pregnant belly full of fuel, and the two screamingly powerful engines that once rammed it from a cold start to a thousand miles per hour in under a minute. Life would be so much easier if our adverseries could be dealt with by supersonic death on wings - but alas, Human resources aren't so easily defeated.

My weird shit NSFW

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-01-29 02:01pm
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Darth Nostril wrote:
Really not a good idea to read this through right from the beginning in one go.
I'm just going to find a nice dark corner to curl up in and gibber quietly to myself for a while.

BAHAHHAHAHA! I knew one of you noobs would do it eventually. :twisted:



XXV

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-02-04 12:31am
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hahah, even now years later I'm still laughing as people scar their minds reading this fic.



Falkenhorst

BOTM 15.Nov.02

Post #114 @ Fri Oct 18, 2002 4:44 pm

"I've had all that I wanted of a lot of things I've had
And a lot more than I needed of some things that turned out bad"

-Johnny Cash, "Wanted Man"

UPF: CARNIVAL OF RETARDS

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-02-10 08:25pm
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Falkenhorst wrote:
hahah, even now years later I'm still laughing as people scar their minds reading this fic.

Who are you?

I'm kidding, but man, you guys need to get together and get really drunk, and pound out another dozen chapters, hey? I can help start a donation fund if that's what it'll take (I'm not sure where you are, I know Fanboy's in Cali near Anaheim, and Shep's near DC).

EDIT: Wisconsin?

No fucking wonder! So much is explained.



XXV

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-04-29 04:37am
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Unnamed Porno Fanfic XLI: The End of the War is Near

Part 1: “Who Are We Now?”



Bethel, New York, August 1969

With the baby Marina now safe in futuristic foster care and her financial situation guaranteed thanks to another grift across time, the search for the Gnomes could continue, but before they could fight the gnomes they still had to find them, not to mention find Fanboy, the hired muscle who gave the ersatz time travelers an edge in physical combat.

At first the task had seemed daunting, but Zaia intelligently theorized that instead of searching for Fanboy, they would allow Fanboy to come to them by choosing the one time and place in Earth’s history he would eventually have to visit.

The Woodstock festival proved Zaia correct, as the lure of consequence free sex with strangers and free hallucinogens drew Fanboy in like a moth to a flame. They found him atop a trio of women, nude save for the incredible amount of encrusted mud, ingesting what would later become known as “the brown acid”.

“What took you guys so long?” Fanboy said in an incredibly subdued tone of voice. It was almost as if the man sounded depressed.

“There were…complications…” Sheppard responded, offering no further information about his siring a child with a militant lesbian assassin and nearly gambling himself into poverty on numerous occasions.

“Whatever man,” Fanboy said, still melancholy. “I know why you’re looking for me, and I know where the gnomes are. But trsut me when I say, you don’t want to go looking for them just now.”

“Since when do gnomes turn you into a fuckin’ pussy?” Falkenhorst accused. “Jesus fucking Christ, all I want to do is fix the fucking timeline and get back to my damn life. I swear there’s a fuckhead at every corner on this trip. Don’t think you’re not included in that statement Shep.”

Zaia remained quiet, her feminine instinct was working double time right now and she had no idea of how to interpret it.

“Fanboy,” Shep said in an exasperated tone. “We don’t have time for your bullshit.”

Gritting his teeth, Fanboy reached underneath one of the unconscious women and retrieved a small device. “Fine then, so this is how it ends…”

Zaia recognized the device immediately. “STUN GRENADE! GET BACK!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, but it was too late. Fanboy slammed the grenade down at point blank range, knowing that he would take the hit as well. It was a sacrifice he made to guarantee the hit though, and the four convulsed with energy and fell to the ground in a heap.

Seconds later, the metallic forms of the converted Gnomish-Daleks arrived to retrieve the bodies.

The Present, as defined by one Mark Sheppard

Shep, Falk, and Zaia all awakened to find themselves in a realm of infinite emptiness, with nothing save for an endless floor of ivory colored marble. They were still armed, which Sheppard found odd even though he wasn’t about to dispute the sense of security his weapon gave him.

Suddenly, a section of the floor began to give way, and from the rubbled a hideous form began to emerge. Its body was that of a great pink fleshy serpent, and its head the mutated and deformed visage of an elderly man. Spines emerged seemingly at random, and a pair of sharp and tiny claws was visible but a meter or so beneath the head. Although he had changed much, the trio easily identified him as Darth Garden Gnome

With their guns drawn, and the Dark Lord of the Gnomish Empire towering over them just meters away, Sheppard and Falkenhorst grit their teeth and prepared to open fire. Behind them, the wounded Zaia held her shattered leg in her hands in a vain attempt to hold it in place and limit the pain.

“Do you really think those TOYS will bring me down? I have evolved into the ultimate life form!” Darth Garden Gnome bellowed as his victory seemed inevitable.

“Go fuck yourself you glob of shit, I’ve picked more dangerous things out of my asshole.” Falkenhorst said as he leveled his pistol and fired a bullet right in between the gnome’s eyes. The shot was true but the projectile was harmlessly absorbed into the postulating skin of the creature.

Darth Garden Gnome laughed again. “Oh hoho….you’ve more resolve than I gave you smut dealers credit for. A shame really that you forsook my offer of wealth unlike your friend in the mask back there; destroying you seems like such a waste.”

“Just shut the fuck up!” Sheppard yelled, emptying all of the rounds from his Desert Eagle into Darth Garden Gnome. It was a futile gesture and Shep knew it well, but it did have the intended effect of keeping the monster quiet for but a couple of seconds as the superficial damage healed itself.

As the last of the bullet holes sealed, Sheppard thought back, wondering just how the greatest adventure of his career had come to this…


The Present, as defined by one Darth Fanboy

The nausea and disorientation from the stun grenade had worn off hours ago, but the uneasiness of selling out his comrades remained. The Gnomish leader, Darth Garden Gnome, had approached him just prior to Fanboy’s departure for Woodstock and had made Fanboy a spectacular offer that he couldn’t resist. Although the decision played havoc with his emotions, he did not doubt himself, because what the gnomes had offered him for his services exceeded anything Shep and Falk could have ever offered.

The Gnomes had brought his wife back from the dead.

They hadn’t resurrected her in a literal sense, but they had used their control of the timeline to spare Fangirl of her fate before he untimely death on the world of Exmodeus all of those years ago.

Once his teammates had been safely delivered to the Gnomes, their leader had made good on his promise. Fanboy had been promised the chance for he and his wife to live a long happy life in the years preceding the Gnomish conquest of Earth in exchange for her resurrection. It was a contest to see which was more important, one girl or the entire world.

The world never stood a chance.


Author's note: Uh oh, does this mean UPF is working towards closing a plotline? What the fuck?



"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin (1937-2008)

"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting."
-Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-04-29 08:25pm
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Assassinating your own character, i.e., your own self-insert. Wow. I mean... wow.

I'm curious what Shep, Falk, & Zaia will do when an alt-universe Fanboy inevitably saves them (I doubt the original will, as he doesn't seem big on regret & remorse). Shoot him anyways? Say, "Welcome back... sort of," and not look a gift horse in the mouth?

Also, when the alt-universe Fanboy who did not sellout those three, gets into a fight with the Fanboy who did, who wins? Mind if I write the scene with the Fanboy on Fanboy violence?



Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-05-02 01:29am
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Unnamed Porno Fanfic XLI: The End of the War is Near

Part 2: “Penance Be Thy Name”


The Present, as defied by one Falkenhorst

Getting paid.

Getting laid .

Getting paid to get laid .

That was the simplified version of the code that Falkenhorst lived by. Notably absent in that code was “fight 20 foot tall raging fucking monster in order to save all of existence from a midget-dominated timeline.”

And yet, there he was fighting for just that ideal, a scything talon of a tentacle ripped through the air towards him, and with all of his strength he caught the fleshy tendril mere centimeters before it could strike his face.

“Daddy always said that women were nothing but trouble…” he muttered to himself as another taloned tentacle shot out towards Zaia, the Zeonic assassin turned-travelling companion that Falkenhorst felt dragged him into this entire mess.

“Shep! I’d do something for your girlie if I were you!”

Reacting as fast as he could Sheppard dove and pulled Zaia out of the way as the blade missed and impacted with the ground where she stood. The enormous gnome before them chuckled.

“Ho ho ho…quit delaying the inevitable and let me skewer you!” he boomed.

Falkenhorst threw up in his mouth a little, and reflexively spat it out onto Darth Garden Gnome rather than swallow it back down.

“Get fucked you midget martian thing!” He screamed as he tore the end of the tendril attacking him, causing it to retract into the body of the beast.

But what really made Falkenhorst angry was that the hired muscle, his motherfucking ace in the hole, decided for once in his life to show initiative on an assignment that had nothing to do with copious amounts of drugs, and it was about to get everyone killed. Fanboy had sold them all out for a skirt, and Falk swore that he would return from his grave to haunt the living shit out of the turncoat mercenary.

And that’s when he saw the girl disappear, and Fanboy start sprinting right for Darth Garden Gnome, twin machetes in hand.


A Glimmer In Time, The Anomaly that was Darth Fangirl…


The argument had been rather one sided. They usually were, but this was much more so. For Darth Fanboy, happiness would have to be put on hold.

“You irresponsible fuck! You had me dragged through time so that you could let everything be conquered by goddamn gnomes? What the hell were you thinking? What kind of life can we possibly lead knowing what’s going to happen? You just don’t fucking get it!”

He wanted to yell back. She wasn’t the least bit grateful at all for being spared death, a cold and lonely countdown on a forsaken world where her remains would lay at the center of an untouchable radioactive abyss. She wasn’t even glad to see him still standing after years of hard fought battles, including those fought within his psyche. She wasn’t even happy to know that he had done it all for her.

She sighed, and then she leaned in and kissed him.

“This isn’t real D, it can never be. It’s all just a fading dream where waking up means certain doom. I know you did this because you love me, but if you really do love me, you’ll set things right.”

Without speaking a word, he made his decision, and the vibrant, breathing woman before him began to fade as the timeline altered itself to reflect upon his decision. As she faded out of existence, he could see her lips moving, and as he read her expression, he cried for the first time since she died.

He drew his twin blades from sheaths across his back; the gnomes had told him just enough of their machinations to end this game. He knew he would succeed, he had no other choice now.

Charging from behind, Fanboy sprinted and heaved himself into the air as he got close to the unsuspecting Darth Garden Gnome. With a bloodthirsty roar he plunged the blades into the back of the monster and forced them downwards, creating a pair of terrible gashes that spilled blood, pus, and a black viscous fluid that burned their air with its pungency. Reaching into the hole, Fanboy located and found a warm wet sack that resembled a placenta, and tore free the contents within. A fleshy mass fell to the ground in a heap of bile and pus, while another more metallic mass made a large clanking sound.

As he tossed them to the ground however, a trio of the scything tentacles ripped through his body, tearing great holes in his abdomen and chest from behind, causing his own organs to spill from his body.

Fanboy cringed and cursed. He was glad that Fangirl was not here to see this part. With the last of his strength, he called out to his once-again allies.

“If any of you dumb fuckers can hear me! Kafff….Kaffff…, DESTROY THE MACHINE.”

The Present, as defined by one Zaia

Recognizing the threat rapidly arising to his plans, Darth Garden Gnome tossed the mortally wounded mercenary aside. He turned around just in time to see the one known as Zaia, hovering over the metallic cylinder.

“Here’s goes nothing…” Was all she said as she lifted her one foot that still worked and slammed her boot down on the mysterious machine.

Darth Garden Gnome watched in horror as her boot destroyed the delicate and intricate circuitry, before he could strike her down with his fading might; he began to fade out of existence. He lost his opacity and a fading tentacle passed clean through Zaia as she stood triumphant, but still unsure of what had happened.

MEanwhile, in the center of the Fanfic Universe...

"SWEET JESUS FUCK" Cried the Prime Dalton. "GARY STU CHARACTER SHIELDS FAILING! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"



"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin (1937-2008)

"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting."
-Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.


Last edited by Darth Fanboy on 2009-10-27 04:41am, edited 3 times in total.
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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-05-02 02:48am
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Quote:
"GARY STU CHARACTER SHIELDS FAILING! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

This is the greatest line in fanfic history, period.



Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-05-17 07:16pm
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Okay Shep & Falk get your faded shabby arses back in here, if you haven't noticed it's reboot mania time, cash in with the Original UPF Rebooted before DF steals your thunder and cashflow, you've been warned.



So I stare wistfully at the Lightning for a couple of minutes. Two missiles, sharply raked razor-thin wings, a huge, pregnant belly full of fuel, and the two screamingly powerful engines that once rammed it from a cold start to a thousand miles per hour in under a minute. Life would be so much easier if our adverseries could be dealt with by supersonic death on wings - but alas, Human resources aren't so easily defeated.

My weird shit NSFW

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-05-18 10:52pm
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Like you would know about the greatness of UPF, Nostril... we were cooking up this story when you were nothing but bubbles in the bong water. Fanboy has been carrying the flag of UPF all these years while shep has been busy infiltrating the US government and I have extended my influence throughout the latino community in the midwest. Soon the stars will be right again and you and other UPF addicts like you will crawl once again at our feet in weeping supplication...



Falkenhorst

BOTM 15.Nov.02

Post #114 @ Fri Oct 18, 2002 4:44 pm

"I've had all that I wanted of a lot of things I've had
And a lot more than I needed of some things that turned out bad"

-Johnny Cash, "Wanted Man"

UPF: CARNIVAL OF RETARDS

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-05-19 12:42am
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Falkenhorst wrote:
you and other UPF addicts like you will crawl once again at our feet in weeping supplication...


WE ALREADY ARE YOU FUCKER

DF, I'm not sure I like where the story is going. Also, if Zaia is having trouble with her broken leg, how did she crush the thing with her foot? That implies she used either her broken leg, or she stood on her broken leg.



XXV

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-10-24 09:31pm
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Read chapters at random, lot out of character elements but damm amusing as well, and certnely you have plenty of ideas to keep this going it seems. Not bad.

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2009-10-26 11:32pm
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Thanks for getting my hopes up for there being a new chapter, new guy.

Necroing dipshit...



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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-08-24 05:36am
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Unnamed Porno Fanfic XLII: The Rise of Prime Dalton


"ENOUGH OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!" Screamed the Prime Dalton, tired of being left in suspense-d animation for over two years. "PREPARE THE REALITY ENGINEERING BOMBARDMENT OVERRIDE ORDER TACTICAL CANNON!"

"But sir!" cried Dalton #1492, "The R.E.B.O.O.T cannon is untested! We could lose everything!"

"Do not try my patience you pricksniffing waste of Dalton DNA!" clamored the Prime Dalton. "Berating these fools is all the more frustrating that they are, in essence, me."

The R.E.B.O.O.T Cannon aimed itself at the ever-expanding rift tearing apart the fanfic universe, after two years of nothing new the Stale Waves being emitted from the center of the Rift had begun making life unbearable. Worse yet, Prime Dalton knew that if things were going to be restored he would have to resort to strategy 52 and physically annhilate those parts of reality containing unfinished plot threads, so that their lethal energies could do no further harm.

Prime Dalton, braced on one knee looked towards the viewscreen, and in his best Shatner voice he made his fateful command.

"Fire!"


*poof!*


Starfleet Cadet Fanboy sat up in his dorm room, a cold sweat covering his face. "Jesus fuck!", he yelled, instinctively reaching under his bed for the bag of weed he kept on hand when an annoying and grating voice from outside stole Fanboy's attentions. "Hey Twinkletits wake the fuck up!"

Fanboy got up, checked to make sure that his junk wasn't hanging out of his boxers, and opened the door. It was Cadet Phantasee from the Canuck barracks. "Damnit Fanboy you don't look so good, I guess you managed to evade the MPs though. That was quite a fucking stir you raised yesterday."

"Stir?" Fanboy asked as he turned back to find his one good Starfleet jumpsuit that didn't ride up his ass too much for some reason.

"You don't remember? Damn, I know if I had done fourteen lines of high quality Klingon Cocaine and then went streaking across campus, shoulder tackled a couple of seniors, shrugged off a phaser on maximum stun, crashed through the front window to the lobby of the Vulcan women's dorms looking for "Porn Farr", crashing through another window when two more MPs...still naked mind you...started chasing you, sprinting across campus and jumping onto the back of a speeding hovertruck...I think that's when we completely lost track of you."

Fanboy stopped to wipe his nose with his arm and cringed at the streak of fresh blood left behind. No longer picky, he grabbed what he felt what the cleanest of his uniforms (using the tried and proven method, the old college sniff test) and threw it on. "Sounds like any other Tuesday afternoon I guess. Doesn't explain what the fuck you're doing over here."

"Well I was going to see if you had that two hundred dollars you stole from me to buy the previously mentioned cocaine, but also the guys sent me over to get you. We're going to go visit Havokeff while he's on punishment."

(Across Campus)

Cadet Havokeff doodled with the marker on the wall of his dorm room, the intricate lesbian sex scene between 21st century comic book characters Psylocke and Emma Frost delighting him in its quality. With his computer terminal privileges suspended drawing was all he had. A promising engineering student, Cadet Havokeff (or Planet Havok as his friends called him) had earned himself confinement to his quarters when he constructed hard light holographic emitters and covertly placed them on the terminals of the other engineering students. With a simple command he could activate the projectors to create a projection that could interact physically with the other students. The practical applications were vast, but Havokeff did it so he could punch people through the campus internet. When a Junior Cadet named Norade made a particularly insensitive comment about the quality of fellatio that Havok's girlfriend offered to Tellarites and the quantity of feces she would consume afterwards, HAvok used his projector system to fracture Cadet Norade's face in several places.

The knock on the door came and....


....


"FIRE THE CANNON AGAIN!" Prime Dalton yelled.

"But we just did fire it Oh Powdered Sugary One!" blubbered Dalton #1492, who was subsequently smashed into a pulp.

"I am not accustomed to having my decrees questioned!" boomed Prime Dalton's voice. "And besides denizen fiction is so last decade."


....


When the Starfleet needed heroes. They had the MACOS. They were pretty much the most ultimate history badasses and there was a good reason.

They were half clone half android cybrogs.

DNA from JAmes Kirk was combined with Data android technogy and then gioven Vulcan training by Spock to be the fighters.


NOw armed with fighters they fly in space to the target. THE EMPIRE.


"Ok guys, shoot down the TIE FIGHTERS. Our missin is to blow up another Death Star." said Leader.

"But LEader," Said Jaysun (the big hero of story), we always do this why dont someone else so I can have sex with green chick.

"Because no one else can JAyson. All the phasers on Enterprise are blowing up the other Empire Planets. Besides we are the MACOs."


The fighters got closer and they all shot down twenty TIES.

"Kids play" said Jayson.

"BE COOL MAN" yelled LEader. "THEY ARE ABOUT TO FIRE."

The planet they were firing on was Andor, which was warriors. Warriors needed to be saved to help win the war.

"JAyson I am going to fly into the main laser. If I die you are the new leader, but I will not die because I am a MACO and I will beam myself onto Death Star."

"Ok LEader." said Jayson.


They beamed onto the Death Star but the Emperor was not there. So they planted bombs all over. Then they flyed out again, it was easy because they had the teansporters. While running through the halls they all shot fifty stromtoopers.

"Ok Guys" yelled the Leader "Now we fly to the next mission to get the missles from Cardassians before the Borg assimilate.

"That will be hard but we can do it" said Jayson.

chapter 2

The MACOS, having done sex with girls on Risa. Got to the next mission where the EMPIER is using a dark jedi to kill people. They prepare beam down to theplanet and there are stromtoopers there.

"Ok guys" says the leader "before we beam down the ship is going to phaser the whole planet with stun just like Kirk did to the Chicago planit."

"awesome. But why do we still go down there when we could go blow up the Empire" said Jayson, who got a promotion was in line to be the next leader.

"Because there is a dark jedi down there."


Down on the planet the Dark Jedi was really mad because the stormtroopers all got stunned and were being beamed into prison cells. He tried calling a Star Destroyer for help but it had been blown up by the MACOs in they fighters earlier along with the Defiant.

The MACOs see the Dark Jedi and start shooting and they destroy his lightsaber but he is fast and runs away.

But Jayson chases him because he is not just a clone of kirk trained by spock with Soong tech implanted in Borg Style enhancements, but he is also a Superhuman gentic engineered like Bashir and Khan.

"Where are you going dark jedi" Jayson said as he punched him dead with one punch.


"Good job JAyson you will be a big leader one day in the MACOs" said the leader

"Just doing my job sir. Does anyone want to play 3d chess now?"


Oh and the darth jedi name was Darth Enigma and all he did was yell fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou


....

The Prime Dalton was unamused as he attempted to hold onto the front of his skull, thinking his brains were going to escape through his eyeballs. "Holy fuck I can not understand any of this shit! Fire again dammit!"

....


Worf and Jadzia gnawed at each other's necks hungrily as their hands caressed every square inch of flesh they could. Worf appreciated her aggressiveness as he moved his arms in between their bodies and shoved her backwards onto the matterss. There was no need for foreplay tonight as her legs spread willingly, her scent was slightly off but he dismissed it as an overindulgent feminine wash.

"Her stench is raw but it is not as strong as that of a true Klingon woman's, especially after the sweat of battle, but no matter for it will be as delicious as they day I first feasted upon it!"

His barbed and ridged cock, which matched the ridge of his forehead, plunged forward, enveloped by warmth and wetness. Wasting no time he began thrusting, planting his arms by her shoulders and allowing his sweat to drop onto her heaving breasts. His motion was as effortless yet powerful as a real warrior, and Jadzia was at his sexual mercy, or so he thought.

His eyes closed to revel in the scent of sex Worf noticed that Jadzia's moaning had begun to sound decidedly more...male. Looking down, he saw the naked deformed body of Odo, who was so enraptured in pleasure he was no longer able to maintain his Jadzia disguise.

"Uhhh,...wow this is embarassing..." Odo said as their eyes met and an awkward silence hit the room.

After a few seconds Worf cursed under his breath and finally spoke. "You won't tell anyone right?"

Odo thought for a second. "Only if you keep going." And Worf did, with very little hesitation.



....

The violent explosion of chunder hit Dalton #616 with such force that it injured his neck. "Just keep fucking firing until I say stop..." a very queasy Prime Dalton muttered."

....






IS THIS THE END OF THE UNNAMED PORNO FANFICTION? WILL PRIME DALTON'S ENDLESS REBOOTS SHATTER ALL OF EXISTENCE? WILL DARTH FANBOY EVER HAVE A GOOD IDEA AGAIN? DID HE EVER IN THE FIRST PLACE? WILL SHEP EVER GET BACK INTO WRITING COMEDY GOLD? JUST WHERE THE FUCK DID FALKENHORST GO? WILL THIS POINTLESS LIST OF QUESTIONS EVER GET ANSWERED?

THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.



"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin (1937-2008)

"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting."
-Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-08-24 07:20am
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I knew today was going to be a fucked-up and horrifying day. Thanks for proving it.

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-08-24 01:23pm
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That'll teach me to make seemingly harmless suggestions in Testing.



So I stare wistfully at the Lightning for a couple of minutes. Two missiles, sharply raked razor-thin wings, a huge, pregnant belly full of fuel, and the two screamingly powerful engines that once rammed it from a cold start to a thousand miles per hour in under a minute. Life would be so much easier if our adverseries could be dealt with by supersonic death on wings - but alas, Human resources aren't so easily defeated.

My weird shit NSFW

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-08-25 10:32pm
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Fanboy as a Starfleet cadet? Personally, I expected him to be a MACO, or other combat specialist. Oh well.

By the way, does the REBOOT cannon's effects mean the One Cock Ring will vanish from this universe, along with the Shep, Falk, and Fanboy who went to Saruman's old tower in search of it?



Please do not make Americans fight giant monsters.

Those gun nuts do not understand the meaning of "overkill," and will simply use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster is dead, or until they run out of weapons.

They have more WMD than there are monsters for us to fight. (More insanity here.)

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-09-16 02:55pm
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Standing before the tribunal of Fanfic Authors, Shep, Falk, and Fanboy stood in chains, the bright lights shining into their faces so as to deny them sight of their captors. Not that it mattered, they were all known well. The Inner Council of Oldy Boys was the highest ranking echelon of the Fanfic Tribunal, and it was here that the three would be judged.

But they were not prepared for the Judge, and they could hear the sharpening of a knife join in with the sounds of his voice.

"fourteen counts of Weapons of Plot Dstruction Possession, sixteen counts of crimes against permavirgins, six thousand three hundred eighty counts of defilement in the third class, six unpaid parking tickets totalling $146, assault and battery of the senses..."

Sheppard recognized him better than anyone. "Hitman? Hitman is that you what the fuck are you siding with these assholes before?"

The maniacal laughter cackled as Hitman leaned forward, his silhouette pitch black against the lights behind him. "Because i'm a sadistic fuck who works for the highest bidder, because I just bought a new paring knife from the ghost of Billy Mays that can slice through the hood of a Mack truck and still cut a tomato, because I am sick to fucking death of your FANFIC."

An attempt by Falkenhorst to retort was silenced by the whizzing sound of a blow gun, and the impact as it struck true against Falk's neck. From behind the voice of one Rob Dalton chimed in.

"You three belligerent fucks have done enough damage, and i'm not especially fond of being as a dipshit cantankerous old galactic administrator. I'm not a dipshit!"

"Yeah!" Chimed in the Ghost of Spanky the Dolphin, "And I do not prepare the purloined pantaloons of provocative princesses perfectly in a pan of pesto peppered with pork!"

"Who the fuck ever said that you did!" yelled Fanboy.

"Silence!" Yelled Hitman. "Fortunately we are in more enlightened times, as opposed to the DEATH sentence, where you have to take an important exam after three weeks of vacationing instead of learning the material. No, we sentence you to cave into cultural pressures and write a UPF Chapter that you never fucking wanted!"

"So you mean like all of Fanboy's chapters?" Shep deadpanned.

"Worrssssssssssssssssse." Hitman said as he did his best Cobra Commander Impression.



UNNAMED PONY FANFIC.

PART I: FRIENDSHIP IS HELL



Shep, Fanboy and Falk emerged in a column of light on what they thought was the surface of Tribadia, a Zeon-founded colony in desperate need of turkey basters and U-Hauls. Sympathetic with the planet's needs Shep and Falk decided to cut the Zekes in this sector a favor and give them a 25% discount in exchange for access to Tribadian sex leather, some of the most flexible yet toughest material in existence, and harvestable only from the Labia of the planet's massive cetacean inhabitants, the Colossal Fuckwhale. The leather had to be scavenged from deceased beached animals due to environmental concerns.

Unfortunately Fanboy had decided to hide some of his brown acid in the ships bio-computer gel packs and it fucked up the transporters, which sent them into THE MIRROR UNIVERSE. (Oh shit!)

So instead of emerging on the planet, they ended up in an art studio on earth. Three guys were seated around a conference table wearing argyle sweatervests and glasses like the lead singer of Weezer. The three of them would occaisionally all lock eyes and then look down to their hands and purity rings, and then laugh awkwardly for abot sixty seconds.

"Hey who the fuck are you assholes?" Falk yelled.

Confused but oddly unconcerned the beardier of the three guys stood up. "Well greetings guys, Jesus loves you! Over there furthest from me is Phil Kenhorst, our lead animator. "Marky" Mark Sheppard our lead writer...holler! And least but not least is lil old me, Dolph Fanners, or as most people call me...Darth Fanbrony!"


"Oh fuck no..." Shep said reaching into is pockets desperated hoping he was carrying a weapon.

His Mirror Universe counterpart frowned as he adjusted his bow tie. "Ooo someone better throw a quarter in the swear jar! You guys must be fans, well were in an unusually good mood today so lets take you for a tour of the studio!"

Shep turned back to Fanboy and demonstrated his disapproval by slapping him across the face. "I SAID NO MORE OF USING THAT SHIT COLORED TOXIC FUCKING ACID! Every fucking time we end up in some alternate fucking universe or dimension of state of matter. I fucking hate you, you're a worse fucking problem than getting jizz in your chest hair because the girl riding cowgirl passed out and fell off."

"That's awefully detailed Shep." Falk pointed out. "Anyways, Ziggy says that the only way for us to get back home is to take these dipshits out and then create the episode that changes the franchise forever."

"That fucking computer ruins everything," Fanboy said he he lurched forward, his hands poised to strangle his alternate universe counterpart.


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yelled Darth Fanbrony, "FRIENDSHIP POWER SAVE ME!"

Then there was glitter and sparkles and shit and things got really weird.



When reality rematerialized the three Smutlords found themselves in an altered state, they all appeared as if they were animated cartoon characters.

A brightly colored object blazed towards them at amazing speed, flashing all of the colors of the rainbow. As it was about to pass Fanboy took thge opportunity and at the exact moment he reached out with his leg and tripped the beast, causing it to tumble and collapse comically. The pony-looking thing attempted to gather itself having been saved by the laws of cartoon physics, but Fanboy did not relent and followed up his attack by jumping on the pony's back and snapping its neck.

"JACKPOT!" He yelled as he grabbed a nearby stone. With a great deal of effort he managed to extract the left rear femur, and using the stone he bagan fashioning crude sharp tools.

Shep and Falk walked over, their initial disgust overcome by morbid interest.

"Hey buddy..." Falk said. "Watcha doing?"

Fanboy was uncharacteristically focused on his task. "I've heard about these goddamn animals before. They make the extracted gall bladders of the meth lizards of the Orion system look like pixy stix. We can get high as motherfuckers off these things."

Shep's curiousity was piqued. "Are there any side effects?"

Fanboy never turned his head as he began splitting the blue fur and skin at the belly, causing the glittery silver organs to spill out. "It depends on what the thing does...ah here it is."

In his hands Fanboy held the adrenaline gland, which was way oversized for an animal even this large. "All you gotta do is..." Fanboy held the disgusting smelling organ to his mouth and took a huge bite, making sure to suck the precious liquids into his gullet and not spill a drop.

"Nothing gay about that, Falk smirked. Nothing gaaaaaaaaay about it."

Suddenly Fanboy's own skin began glowing colors and he was hovering several feet off the ground.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOA FUCK I'm CHARLIE SHEEN! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

As soon as it had occurred Fanboy was gone over the horizon.



Shep and Falk considered what had just happened, with no regard for the welfare of the other member of their trio.

"Falk are you thinking what i'm thinking?"

"That we're finally rid of that diseased wreck that calls itself Fanboy?"

"Aside from that, if we're going to get out of here we need some sort of power and we have just been given the means to do so. We need to find as many of these horse thigns as we can and butcher them, one of them has to have some sort of reality warping ability we can use to get back to our own universe."


Falkenhorst cringed. "It's going to be messy, but you're right Shep. But I am not fucking eating raw horse organs, what am I some sort of Communist Chinese?"

"Maybe there's some fucking plant we can ferment then, fuck when I was in the pokey I used to make a decent wine out of those gross cherry tomatoes they would put in the salads."



*MEANWHILE, AT THE CENTER OF THE FANFIC GALAXY*


The Rebooted now more bad-ass Prime Dalton was displeased, his Dominos Pizza Tracker had claimed that the Pizzas had already arrived, but they had most certainly not.

"If those cocksuck gnomes next door took it and ran off again I will have them all executed...AGAIN."

Suddenly Dalton looked over at his kitchen table and saw a nude woman covered in slices of pizza. He recognized her from different fanfics as Christina Hendricks, and her bosom was even hugerer than he had ever anticipated.

"Hey big strapper, just wanted to keep them warm for you." she said as two slices slid off of her massive ta tas and onto the floor. "Ooops, let me clean it up for you."

As she climbed off the table she bent over and wiggled her backside at the Prime Dalton, who was as happy as he had ever been.


. . .


Snuggled safe within his bed, wearing his Legend of Zelda footy pajamas and snuggled with his Teddy Bear dressed as Keith Olbermann, the Prime Dalton smiled as he cuddled his blanky, dreaming the most perfect dream.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm" he said as he talked in his sleep. "Don't throw it out, there's a five second rule."



"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin (1937-2008)

"Have some of you Americans actually seen Football? Of course there are 0-0 draws but that doesn't make them any less exciting."
-Dr Roberts, with quite possibly the dumbest thing ever said in 10 years of SDNet.

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-09-17 04:59pm
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That's the good shit! I didn't even know there was an update from August, BONUS!



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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-09-17 08:01pm
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There must be an OFFICIAL UPF sequel, titled....Unnamed Pony Fanfic; which features the dark secret of the Poniez' secret genocide against the Care Bears and Smurfs in order to gain dominance over the minds of impressionable young girls, after they stomped Rainbow Brite to death one night in the 1980s.



"If scientists and inventors who develop disease cures and useful technologies don't get lifetime royalties, I'd like to know what fucking rationale you have for some guy getting lifetime royalties for writing an episode of Full House." - Mike Wong

"The present air situation in the Pacific is entirely the result of fighting a fifth rate air power." - U.S. Navy Memo - 24 July 1944

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 Post subject: Re: Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy PostPosted: 2011-09-17 10:35pm
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Location: This is sky. It is made of FUCKING and LIMIT.
MKSheppard wrote:
There must be an OFFICIAL UPF sequel, titled....Unnamed Pony Fanfic; which features the dark secret of the Poniez' secret genocide against the Care Bears and Smurfs in order to gain dominance over the minds of impressionable young girls, after they stomped Rainbow Brite to death one night in the 1980s.


I'd recommend that as a good idea... except we all know it'd turn into a sprawling, convoluted nightmare with dead-end timelines, dimension-hopping, and no one entirely sure just what is going on... Also, it'd require UPF to actually finish at some point, and I think we all know how likely that is...

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