Dark Dawns

[weemadando]

For those of you not up to date, you can read the rest here:
http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/darkdawns.txt
Timeline here: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/dkdawnstl.txt

This chapter rounds out the first act of the story.


Space (nearing Earth orbit)

The ball of matter streaks across space, reaching towards the blue-green
globe of Earth. Without the satellites in place, there would be no warning
of its approach. No chance to prepare. Closing the gap rapidly it speeds
past the moon, straight through the layers of debris in orbit and impacts
the atmosphere. Slamming into the centre of what was once the state of
Wyoming in the former United States of America; the huge ball of matter
instantly buries itself into the ground in a flash of light. The massive
impact shaking the tectonic plates and sending thousands of tons of soil and
dust into the sky.


Earth (Tokyo, Japan)

It was the third day of the siege of the Diet. With no end in sight. The
troops and police had stopped firing on the protestors to conserve
ammunition and now only shot when a group made a concerted assault. Shinji
and Yuko sit beneath a tree in one of the small parks nearby, eating
riceballs from a street-vendor who had set up nearby. "Its hard to believe
that its is so close to being over."
"Yes, it is."
"The military has deserted, the police have given up. Its only those left
in the Diet compound that still want to fight."
"Because they have the most to lose. This revolution is about getting
some balance back to society. We've been at 25% unemployment for ten years.
The government never did a thing. And not once did they hold elections.
They are corrupt as they come and unwilling to surrender their grip on our
nation."
"Which is why all this had to happen. It was inevitable."
"Do you have any plans for after this all finishes?" Yuko looks over at
Shinji to gauge his response.
"I want to go back to med school. Finish my studies." He hangs his head
slightly, weariness and some other, hidden emotion evident in his eyes, "I-
I- I just don't know what else to do after this. We have to get back on
track. We have to -" A bass rumbling fills the air as the ground begins
shuddering beneath them. Far away they hear the shout of "Earthquake!"


Earth (Dakar, Africa)

It was unlike anything they'd ever seen before, a massive ground battle
through the streets of Dakar, the Council controlled forces trying to hold
the city against the tide of AIL rebels. Swarming above the city attack
helicopters and fighters from both sides were engaged in an elaborate dance.
A dance where a single missed step could prove fatal. "Layla, keep on me.
I see a concentration of Council troops below. Lets go for it."
"Roger that Sam. I'm right behind you." The two helicopters abruptly
angle their ducted fans and plummet towards the streets below. They drop
between the buildings and streak forward along the streets, rapidly closing
with the troop formation. "Arm rockets and cannons, go for a strafing
pass." From the stubby wings of the helicopters rockets and cannon shells
spit out towards the massed infantry. The cannon shells hit first, tearing
apart those who they hit, they massive force of the impact blasting apart
bodies and showering those around them with blood and gore. The rockets
reach their targets soon afterwards, detonating on impact, sending a blast
wave filled with shrapnel through what remains of the crowd of men. "I
should feel bad about this."
"Layla, you're doing what you have to do. Those men were armed and would
have killed you given half a chance." The helicopters begin to rise above
the skyline of the city, back into the madness of the air combat above it,
when the blast wave arrives.

Wiping the sky clean in an instant the wave smashes through the buildings,
shattering glass and gutting interiors. Shattered planes and helicopters
are flung about like leaves in a tornado. Tumbling out of control Sam
watches as Layla's helicopter spins out of view. Before he has a chance to
do try and regain control, his own helicopter slams into the side of a
building. Passing through the outer layers and coming to rest in the middle
of what used to be an office on the 70th floor.


Earth (Paris, EU)

Sitting in the recruitment centre's induction hall Marco felt uneasy. Was
it a rash decision to join up so soon out of university? Why had he decided
to join? Was it a spur of the moment decision?
"OK people. I am Lieutenant Erwin Lostrich, in charge of this induction
group. I'm going to ask you all to fill out the first part of your
induction 'booklet' now." Marco looked over to Pierre, who was sitting next
to him. Pierre was focussing on transcribing strings of numbers from
various identification cards to the small computer tablet infront of him.
'Name, Marco Reuther, Date of birth, 19th June, 2140. Comm number,
484610313177.' The hall was filled with people. About a hundred and fifty
or so he guessed. And they went through about seven sessions a day, just at
this location. God, recruitment was through the roof at the moment. "I see
you've all finished that very simple task. Now, I'm going to give you
twenty minutes to work through the first real section of the induction
paper. Activating it and the timer - now. Go to work people." A new page
was up on the tablets. Multiple choice questions. Some history, some maths
even some strange morality ones. Marco set to work on them. After several
pages of questions he looked up to the front of the hall and the giant clock
projected on screen. Three minutes left in this section. Then he noticed
it, a slight rumbling. Several others appeared to have noticed it as well.
What was it? An earthquake? Possibly, not much else it could be. All of
the EU buildings were designed to resist earthquakes and other, more
dangerous disasters. At most this felt like just a minor tremor through the
many layers of insulating foundations. Marco forgot however that this was a
military building. An order of magnitude more sturdy than the others. And
with far greater protection from such catastrophic events.


Space (Phobos)

"We have a confirmed impact. 100km off target, but with a weapon like
this accuracy really isn't that much of an issue. In another minute or so
we should be getting the live pictures from our spy ships." The controller
looks up at the Admiral, "Admiral Bates. We have a successful shot."
"Excellent." Bates picks up the phone, "Mr President, we have a confirmed
impact. We will be streaming the feed to you as soon as we get it here."
"Brilliant. Its good to know that despite the failings of others that at
least some branches of our wonderful State are not entirely incompetent.
Keep me up to date with events. And good work Admiral. Pass my
congratulations onto your men."
"Will do Sir." Bates replaces the receiver, "Men, we have just
successfully completed our first operation shot. The President sends his
congratulations."

The first feeds were coming through. Showing the beautiful visage of earth
marred by a massive black cloud, one rapidly expanding and spreading to hide
the surface from prying eyes. And from the nurturing light of the sun. A
dull light is visible from the epicentre of the cloud, no doubt massive
fires burning from the heat of the impact. Castigator had worked perfectly,
just as it had been predicted to work. As Admiral Bates looked down upon
the image of the ravaged earth he was reminded of a quote used by a
predecessor, chuckling to himself he mutters "I am become Shiva, destroyer
of worlds." The cloud was nearly enveloping the entire globe now. Only a
few areas at the poles seemed to remain uncovered. It was predicted that it
would only take a few days of darkness to completely destroy the worlds
ecosystem. He predicted it would take far less to completely destroy the
minds of men.


Mars (Monnigan's Ridge Military Prison)

The door to the tiny cell opened slightly. "Lieutenant Jake Brown?"
"I'm not a Lieutenant anymore."
"OK then. Jake Brown?"
"Yes?" Jake sits up on the metal slab that passes as a bed.
"Come with me please." The voice was still coming from behind the door.
"Who are you? I can't go anywhere. I'm a murderer and a traitor after
all."
"That is only what many have been led to believe." The door swings open
completely, a single man in a Generals uniform stands outside.
"What are you talking about?"
"A small group of us have been following several promising officers for
quite some time. You have proven yourself in many theaters of battle, both
physical and intellectual."
"What? Why am I being prosecuted then?"
"Our overzealous friends at the ISC decided that you were a threat to the
stability and safety of the military. Which is precisely what we were
looking for." The General steps into the cell. His salt-and-pepper hair
cropped close to his head, scars adorn his 'windswept' face.
"Why me? Why are you looking for that kind of person?"
"I can't tell you know. But I can tell you that if you choose to you can
walk out of this cell right now with me."
"Or I can stay behind and face certain execution. How the hell do I know
I can trust you! How do I know this isn't some integrity or loyalty test
cooked up by the ISC to further implicate me!"
"You don't."
"Sounds like a shitty deal."
"Its the only one on the table." Jake leans down next to his bed and
picks up the single pad and pencil he was allowed while in detention. He
steps towards the door. "Once you step through this door, there is no going
back."
"Yeah yeah yeah. You haven't just spent the past week in military
detention. Nothing to read but a copy of the Constitution and the Bill of
Rights. And a single goddamn pad and pencil on which to plan my defense.
All this in a goddamn 7 foot cube with a single solid metal slab that serves
as a bed and table. The moment I step out this door I'm walking away from
certain death to uncertainty. And to be quite honest I have few illusions
that what awaits me on the outside is anything but another type of death.
But I'm willing to take that chance just to spite those ISC fuckers."
"Brave words. We'll see how they hold up." The two men walk out the door
of the cell, as Jake steps out he slams the door behind him, the General
looks back at him, a curious look on his face. Jake just smiles back, "I
always wanted to know what that looked like from the outside."


Earth (Paris, EU)

Marco stepped out of the military induction session and back out into the
corridors. Walking back towards the front of the building with Pierre the
people seem to be frantic and busy, scurrying back and forth. They step out
into the brilliant midday - darkness. The sky is black, with only the
slightest hint of a glow where the sun would be in the sky. Fine dust is
slowly settling, falling from the sky like a black snow.
"Pierre."
"Mmm-hmph."
"Why is it that whenever we spend an hour or so inside doing a test
something remarkably weird happens?"
"Not a goddamn clue."


Earth

The black cloud had settled into place now. A shroud covering the globe,
nearly from pole to pole. Only the slightest white tips of the globe
showed, the rest of the earth hidden by the swirling blacks and browns of
the deadly shadow. The sun could not penetrate the think particulate that
moved about the atmosphere. The era of Dark Dawns had begun.

[Rob Wilson]

For those of you not up to date, you can read the rest here:
http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/darkdawns.txt
Timeline here: http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics/stories/dkdawnstl.txt

This chapter rounds out the first act of the story.

Another solid chapter for this fic. I have to say, as much as I like your comedy, the serious story here seems to suit you best (but keep giving us the funny as well, on pain of poking )

Just one thing, can you sort out the tenses please?

[ "Yes?" Jake sits up on the metal slab that passes as a bed.
"Come with me please." The voice was still coming from behind the door.]

The first line reads as a Script direction, and it's the same for 90% of the chapter. you need to change the 'looks' to 'looked' the 'begin' to 'began', etc. If I was properly awake I'd actually write using the correct technical terms here, but basically ditch all the present tenses in your descriptions as it reads very poorly and is a constant distraction.

Other than that, top work, are you going toexpand the political situation, or keep it a periphary to the character led stories?

[weemadando]

The characters will remain at the centre, but politics will still be the driving force behind events.