A crappy-ass fanfic

[RayCav of ASVS]

just seeing if I can replicate B&B quaility here

(Archer's room)

MALCOM: And as you can see here, we are almost done with the phaser upgrades....

ARCHER: Malcom?

MALCOM: What?

ARCHER: Is something on your mind?

MALCOM: No, sir, why?

ARCHER: I can tell just by looking at your face. It's been a hell of a month.

MALCOM: I know, captain....

ARHCER: Why don't you take a break?

MALCOM: A break? I can't sir, these phasers really need the upgrade....

ARHCER: The phasers can wait. If nothing else we can go to Jupiter...

MALCOM: Captian, with all due respect we don't need those guys. I can have the phasers ready in two days.

ARCHER: Malcom, don't worry. As long as the crews are working they don't need you there.

MALCOM: True. And it's getting late. Time to go to bed.

(ENT BRIDGE)

HOSHI: We're recieving an alien communication.

(gobbly-gook)

TPAUL: Can you decipher it?

HOSHI: The computers will need a few minutes.

(Aliens fire on them)

TPAUL: Hoshi, it would appear as if those translations are urgently needed.

HOSHI: I'm working on it! (explosion) The universal translator is out!

TUCKER: Tucker to Tpaul, that last shot just damaged the plasma injectors ! We're going nowhere!

TPAUL: Then we must find an alternate way to vacate the area.

(MALCOM IN BED)

MALCOM: I can't sleep. Not with the phasers still in need of upgrade. I need to take my mind of the phasers. Maybe if I...think about upgrading the torpedos tomorow. No, I can't! I just need to sleep!

(EXPLOSION!)

MALCOM: Damn! What is happening! Malcom to Tpaul, are we under attack?

TPAUL: Indeed, we are.

MALCOM: Do you need my assistance?

TPAUL: Unforunately, due to the upgrades the phasers are offline. Is there any way you can get them working again?

MALCOM: Not for another...three hours!

TPAUL: Maywhether, is there any way we can evade the enemy?

MAY: I'm trying my best but they appear to have pretty good targetting computers.

(ROCKED AGAIN)

TPAUL: Malcom, are you sure there is no way for you to bring the phasers online again?

MALCOM: I can try and access them externally, but I don't recommend that, not with enemy fire!

TPAUL: You must try! We need those phasers!

(MALCOM IS IN AIRLOCK PUTTING SUIT ON)

MALCOM: (Tries to put suit on, but does so nevously. he keeps fumbling. It is obvious that he has pretentions about this mission. he talks to himself.) Come on, I can do this, the crew is depending on me! I must get the phasers working!

(He thinks about what has happened to him last time...flashback...he suddenly gets a scared look on his face)

MALCOM: I must do this, for the good of the ship!

(He valiantly walks out the airlock into space)

TPAUL: Malcom, are you there?

MALCOM: Malcom here, I am...having a little bit of trouble with this.

TPUAL: Do you require assistance?

MAY: We're the ones who need the assistance!

TPUAL: Malcom, I don't need to remind you the urgency of this mission

MALCOM: Yes, sir....

(he nerviously walks out onto the hull of Enterprise)

MALCOM: Where are those phasers?

(sees phasers sticking out. He walks over and starts tinkering, but spends much time trying to conquer his fear. Finally, he gets them working.)

MALCOM: Reed to TPAUL...the phasers are now...online.

TPAUL: Ensign Mayweather...return fire

(The Enterprise fires on one of the enemy ships, but has no effect)

TPAUL: Reed, the phasers have no effect on the enemy. Is there any way to boost their output?

MALCOM: Not without blowing out a deck or two.

TUCKER: Maybe I can try diverting energy from the warp conduits? I can try a mass-energy conversion, that should do the trick.

TPUAL NODS

TUCKER goes to engineering and takes out the plasma conduits, and begins reconfiguring them.

TUCKER: The modifications are complete!

TPUAL: Fire!

(The Enterprise fires, but the phasers barely have a registerable effect)

TPUAL: Another solution would be highly advisable.

HOSHI: We can still try communicating.

TPAUL: If I am not mistaken, you stated that the universal translator has been damaged.

HOSHI: I can still do it the old-fashioned way, based on what little I heard.

(begins working hard, then after a short while sends out a message in gobble-gook. She gets a reply.)

They said that we intruded on their...breeding grounds?

TPAUL: Please clarify

HOSHI: Apparently, these aliens breed in empty space. When their eggs hatch, they return to retrieve them where they mature in an aquatic enviroment. Apparently we stumbled upon one of their breeding grounds.

TPAUL: Interesting. Is there any way for you to convince them that we are not hositle?

HOSHI: I've already told them that we have no intention of harming their eggs and tha we stumbled here by pure mistake. They've agreed to back off and allow us to make repairs, but they;ll stay and watch over their nests.

(LATER)

ARCHER: So, are you telling me that these aliens...are born in space?

TPAUL: It would appear so

ARCHER: One of these days...we need to find out more about this

TPAUL: In that case I suggest we do it from a distance.

(EPISODE END)

[Master of Ossus]

That's bad, but it's missing something. Can you really compare yourself to B&B in terms of stupidity? I don't think anyone here is qualified to do that.

[Stormbringer]

That's bad, but it's missing something. Can you really compare yourself to B&B in terms of stupidity? I don't think anyone here is qualified to do that.

I'd don't know, some of the trolls could probably give them a run for their money.

[RayCav of ASVS]

the real trick is writing it when

1.) You're too tired to truly comprehend anything

2.) You're too wasted to truly comprehend anything

3.) You're too stoned to truly comprehend anything

4.) You're in too much of a rush to write properly

5.) You don't fucking care for what you're writing

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

You need more technobabble. And an inconsistency with an episode of TOS or TNG would bring it down closer to B&B standards.

[Master of Ossus]

That's bad, but it's missing something. Can you really compare yourself to B&B in terms of stupidity? I don't think anyone here is qualified to do that.

I'd don't know, some of the trolls could probably give them a run for their money.

Oh, maybe DarkStar or User099 could pull it off, but short of them....

[Setzer]

It has the lack of development and bland characterization of Voyager, but lacks technobabble.

[Guest]

It compares favorably with Mauraders...

[Singular Quartet]

PAthetic, bland, needs more treknobabble, otherwise, an average episode.

[Master of Ossus]

PAthetic, bland, needs more treknobabble, otherwise, an average episode.

You mean, overall an average episode.