[humor fanfic] The Wayward Uberalliance

[RayCav of ASVS]

Chapter 1

The USS Enterprise floated along at its usual pace - slow, that is. Suddenly....

"Captain Picard," spoke Data from his console. "There is an object approaching at Vector 3424...."

"Stop it, Data! Can't you see that I'm too senile to remember what vectors are? Just point at the damn thing!"

"It is there!" Pointed Data at a corner of the viewscreen.

"Where? Computer, magnify to one trillion times!"

Suddenly various atoms danced across the screen.

"Oh shit! Borg spheres!"

"You senile fool, you magnified the image too much!" spoke Riker. "Computer, 100 times magnification."

The viewscreen then switched back to the blackness of space. Framed by the viewscreen and this starry backdrop was a strange alien probe.

"Sir, the probe is emitting a strange signal."

"What is it saying?"

"Bleeep! Blaah, bloop bleep!"

"Translation?"

"Do I look like a universal translator to you?"

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away....

"Lord Vader, we have found something!"

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing Vader in a crouching and somewhat compromising position with himself.

"You insolent fool! Can't you see that I am busy?!"

The poor Imperial lieutenant then found himself grabbing for his crotch.

"Now, what is so important that it requires my attention?" The sound of a zipper quietly hung in the background. The other Imperial officers looked about nervously.

"Uhhh, one of our Probots found something, sir! It's transmitting its message back!"

On one of the computer screens, the image of the USS Enterprise was revealed.

"Excellent. What is your tactical analysis?"

"They appear to be armed with phasers and photon torpedos."

"Phasers? Photon Torpedos? Those won't even scratch our Navigational Deflectors!"

Everybody around Vader laughed their asses off.

"Now it is time for us to establish a new Empire! Set a course for that galaxy!" Vader then started laughing meniacally. The officers around him were silent.

"Well? Start laughing!"

Everybody around Vader then started laughing nervously as the Executor entered hyperspace.

Chapter 2

"Captain, the probe...is just standing there?"

"Is it still transmitting?"

"Yes, at a more increased rate."

"Hail them! Tell them...we surrender!"

"Surrender for what? It's just a damn probe!"

"Quiet, Mr. Riker! Can't you see I'm trying to keep up my appearance in this fanfic as a senile old fool?"

Suddenly, the Excecutor exited hyperspace in front of the Enterprise

"Sir! They are hailing us!"

"Open all torpedo bays! Fire!"

"Sigh. Open all hailing frequencies, and remember to pick up more of the Captian's medication at the nearest starbase!"

The viewscreen now featured Darth Vader and Captain Peitt on the bridge of their SSD.

"Surrender, you pitiful twerps, or we will destroy you!"

"Wow, what impressive demands!" spoke someone sarcastically.

"Shut the fuck up, Ozzel! You have ridiculed me for the last time!" As the viewscreen switched to an external view of the SSD, Ozzel's lifeless, crushed body floated by. It then hit the navigational deflector of the Enterprise and caused several consoles to explode.

Data spoke from his console, which failed to explode due to his superb character sheilds. "Clearly, they have demonstrated their superior firepower!"

Riker then stood up from his chair, as Picard danced around the bridge spouting more Borg nonesense. "They're gonna get us! They're gonna get us!"

"Would someone please restrain that man! And as for you...we..." he just couldn't muster up the words "we surrender"

"Well?" Spoke Vader impatiently.

"Just give us...say, about...24 hours...I mean, months?"

Vader gave this a thought, then continued. "Why should we...."

"Lord Vader, Palpatine is calling on line 1!"

"Yes, what is it? Can't you see I'm busy! No, not that kind of busy! Yes, very well my master." He then turned back to Riker. "Business elsewhere calls for me. Very well. You have been granted your 24 month stay. In the meantime, I suggest you prepare for life under the Glorious Empire!" Then the Executor hypered away.

"Phew! That was a close one!"

"What do we do now, commander?" asked Data.

"The only thing we can do. It's also the most logical, possible, and easiest thing we can do. Visit every half-assed race in the entire galaxy and build an alliance!"

[Singular Quartet]

L L

[RayCav of ASVS]

Chapter 3

The most important members of the Federation were all gathered in a single room onboard an orbiting Starbase, along with some not-so-important members. They were all meeting here today to discuss the future of the Federation, and indeed the entire Galaxy.

The President of the Federation spoke from the podium. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, gather me your ears!"

The President then got strange looks from Vulcans, Ferengis, and eveyone else with funny looking ears. Not to mention the Guest of Honor, the 437 year old Ross Perot.

"Hehe, I guess I deserved that. Anyway, without further Apu..."

"Whoo, I have been zinged and I'm enjoying it!"

"Hey, how the hell did that Indian guy get here anyway!"

Suddenly Mike Tyson entered the room. "Sorry to disturb everyone, but I heard that there were people giving their ears?"

"Oh, for fucks sake, let's just go on with the plot!"

Admiral Ross stood at the podium now. "We have managed to gather together an elite team of officers, who will travel the galaxy in search of a massive interstellar alliance to defeat the Galactic Empire. Before you now, these officers now stand. I present to you the Captain and Leader of this historic expedition!"

"Our choice for Captain should be plainly obvious. We wanted someone who was obviously experienced in this type of thing, someone with resolve, courage, cunning, and an undying love of Caffine in its purest form! I present to you, Admiral Kathryne Janeway!"

A slow solitary clap was heard from the audience, as well as a few coughs.

"Well, anyway, our next officer has proven himself over and over again with such superior cooking skills, such as his gumbo recipie capable of stripping a warp core clean! Therefore, I present to you our second most important officer, Neelix!"

"What the fuck were these guys on when they were doing their random drafting?"

"Shhh! You're not supposed to reveal our secret elite selection process!"

"Our next officer, though somewhat of a neurotic woman-obsessive prick, is very capable nonetheless! After all, he managed to convince the Federation to invest immense resources and technology into finding a single lone starship in a galaxy of thousands that no one really cares about...."

The new crew of the USS Voyager began to beam aboard to their new assignmnet. Soon, the ship aimed at a random direction and headed into high warp.

Chapter 4

Admiral Janeway stood on the bridge. "Our first race is one we are all very familiar with. It's Species 8472! And I'm sure they'll be more than thrilled to see us!"

The sad part was that Janeway actually was serious.

"Prepare our diplomats to initiate diplomatic negotiations! We have already contacted S 8472 and they have agreed to meet us at a predetermined coordinate with their own represenitives."

The Voyager was docked outside a massive S 8472 deep space station, similiar to the ones they used in their Starfleet infiltration program. Infact, its interior was a recreation of San Fransisco, since it was deemed an appropriate setting. Within the fascimilie of Starfleet Headquarters, the selected diplomats beamed down in front of the awaiting S 8472 diplomats.

Infront of the Starfleet diplomats was a large table where several of the tri-legged aliens sat, centered around a particularly massive and regal looking one. Strangely, a cute brunette girl in her early 20's stood by his side.

[Singular Quartet]

Infront of the Starfleet diplomats was a large table where several of the tri-legged aliens sat, centered around a particularly massive and regal looking one.

I don't think s8472 have three legs, only two.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

I was laughing, and then, for some odd reason, the text stopped, and I couldn't finish it!

[RayCav of ASVS]

I was laughing, and then, for some odd reason, the text stopped, and I couldn't finish it!

Yeah, I'll finish it time to time, but I'm not in a mood for fanfics right now, let alone humor fics....