Star Trek: Parallel Universe Invaders

[Dr Roberts]

Thread title is working title.
The reason this start is so small is simply because I have been meaning to write this FanFic for ages, but always put it off. However, when I start something, I push myself to finish. Over the next week a lot more should be done.

This is set in the Future of the Reboot continuity, I have done this to justify a stronger Star Trek Force. I have also Nerfed the Empire. I have done this Simply for making the story more tense. Excuse my grammar, I have always struggled with non programming language ;D

Here is just a short prologue early draft, I plan on putting the final version on my website (under constuction) so I welcome feedback

Prologue

We are the independent Vulcan Government, a new Power has come through a recently opened wormhole 5 days away at warp 9. They call themselves "The Galactic Empire" if they don't get what they want, they take it, Whilst several UFP ships could take out their warships they could more or less one shot the federations, war against this power would be futile. This Government took the logical option and left the Federation to become Independent. We help the Empire enough to avoid an Imperial Presence on our Planets. To let the Empire kill so many people however couldn't be allowed. We managed to build a device capable of closing the wormhole, using a cloacked ship we smuggled the device to the Federation whom launched it in to the Wormhole. With supplies cut of to their Home Galaxy the Empire is at it's weakest, yet it is still the most powerful individual force in the Milky Way Galaxy. Under their De Facto leader Grand Admiral Thrawn the Empire plan =s on conquering the Galaxy and reconnecting it to their own. The rest of the Galaxy plans to Stop them. The Federation thought they were outmatched by the Future Romulan; it has just gotten worse.

Chapter 1-A stellar mess.

In a large building in the middle of San Francisco, a large group of men are gathered around a large viewscreen, the most prominent is a man called David Churchill, the president of the United Federation Of Planets. They were waiting for an important transmission from the Defiant, the only Cloacked ship in the fleet. It was used in perhaps the most important mission in the Federation's history, closing the Wormhole. This mission had succeeded, but it had not been clear as to whether the Ship and her crew had survived.
"Incoming hail" an assistant announced.
"Who is it from?!" The President asked nervously.
"It's the Defiant!" the man said to cheers in the room.
"Put it through" the screen began burring "Well done Cap" he cut himself off when he saw on the screen a Man, no an Alien on the Viewscreen, he wore an imperial uniform, His skin blue, and those eyes, those alien eyes. They almost struck fear in to him without the implication of what had happened.
"Greetings, It's a pleasure to speak to you, my benefactor" the Aien said in a voice deno.ting Joy.
"Benefactor?" an Admiral of the federation snapped.
"Oh yes, I am Grand Admiral Thrawn the leader of the contingent in this Galaxy, with no way home, you have given me enough reason to forge a civilization ruled by me, without any other kind of power play." He smiled very eerily and continued "I felt obliged to thank you personally. That is all" he began to turn around but snapped back in to view to state " By the way, the crew of this vessel? Executed."
The viewscreen cut to the Federation logo.
This was a scenario worse than imagined. They always knew of the posibility the crew would be lost but to find out they somehow helped the plans of a tyrant, it was an unthinkable disaster.

Grand Admiral Thrawn stood at 1.8 meters tall, with blue skin and red eyes, he was now the most powerful man in the Galaxy. Thrawn was not like other high ranking members of the Empire, for one he was a non human but ironically he was the most humane. He chuckled to himself thinking about what must have been going through the minds of the enemy, after everything he told them. It was true except for one small lie, the crew of the Federation ship wasn't dead, well some were, the ones that perished during the boarding. The officers were mostly unharmed receiving only minor injuries, they were here to be interrogated. Not so he could work out how to defeat them, that was easy, no thought had to be put into it. Unfortunately the wormhole had been closed sooner than he would have hoped, so his fleet was limited. Enough so that victory would take time, and that he may lose a few ships, but he was sure victory would be achieved in the future. Another objective of Thrawns was to study the relationship of the humans with the Humans of home. They looked alike and after preliminary DNA scans it was determined that they were identical. Searching through the Defiant's computers he had determined that a race had spread their DNA across the Galaxy which steered some creatures on Earth to become Humans. It has gotten even stranger, reports of a ship with an FTL system unlike any seen by either side had seen, rumoured to be yet more Humans. The name of that ship has never been caught, leaving before it could be identified. But one officer reported seeing the word "Battlestar" on the hull.
"Commander on Deck"
"At ease" "Bill, what new information have you got me?"
"We are now confirmed to be outside of our own Galaxy, maybe universe, we are running low on supplies but we have good news".
"What is it?"
"A trader, a ferengi I believe said he could give us the coordinates to the Homeworld of the federation and Humanity"
" That is good" the Commander said, trying to sound excited but faiing.
"The planet is Earth"
The Commanders eyes widened, "can you guess what I want you to do?"
"Already entered the coordinates sir, lucky it's within accurate Jump range, Just awaiting the order to execute jump sequence"
"Do it".

[Dr Roberts]

Chapter 1 is now edited in to original post.

[Junghalli]

I would suggest leaving spaces between your lines, like this:

"Incoming hail" an assistant announced.

"Who is it from?!" The President asked nervously.

"It's the Defiant!" the man said to cheers in the room.

"Put it through" the screen began burring "Well done Cap" he cut himself off when he saw on the screen a Man, no an Alien on the Viewscreen, he wore an imperial uniform, His skin blue, and those eyes, those alien eyes. They almost struck fear in to him without the implication of what had happened.

"Greetings, It's a pleasure to speak to you, my benefactor" the Aien said in a voice deno.ting Joy.

Big blocks of text are hard to read and aesthetically unappealing.

Also, I think your writing could use a some work, it feels very ... script-ish. It really feels like a somewhat elaborated movie or play script, with minimalistic infodumpy descriptions of what the scene is followed by dialog that feels kind of disembodied; I don't really feel like I know who these people are or have any particular reason to care about them or what's happening. You need to give us the feeling of being in a world, not of reading the directions and dialog of a play.

Sorry if this is a brutal, but it is intended as constructive criticism.

[Dr Roberts]

Which is exactly what is needed, thanks. This is the very first draft, and the very first draft of anything is shit

I will improve what I have thus far before I move on.