Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

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cadbrowser
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Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by cadbrowser »

Good Morning Everyone,

I just wanted to provide you all with a short forward to let you know what I am doing. Some of you may be aware that I have been working on creating my own Role Playing Game for some time. I have been paying a local artist to illustrate it as well. I was inspired by Worm to begin writing my own series as it pertains to the world I am working on for the RPG.

I have created my own wordpress website and have begun a book entitled Prime Mover. The first chapter is up. I have been recommended to submit the first chapter here to see if you all like it and to get constructive criticicsm and feedback. If anyone is interrested in reading more chapters as I put them out, I can direct you to the website at a later time.

My goal is to provide a series of books (I have four planned at the moment) each containing 100,000 words, divided into 20 chapters of 5,000 words each. I plan on submitting a new chapter every two weeks. My first chapter has almost 7,000 words. I am nervous and proud at the same time. So, without further delay, I submit to you all my first chapter.

Thank you in advance.
CHAPTER 1 - ALIVE
by Jeremiah A. Daniels
Mother Nature is a bipolar psychopathic bitch. She destroys the same life she nurtures, on a whim. One day you are thanking her for giving your crops life with water; the next day she sends water to eliminate you and those you hold most dear. Morality is an illusion of human construct evolved to combat, postpone, and deny the realities of our inevitable demise. We are but fertilizer for the next lifeform to amuse her.
- Professor Joseph K. Xenakis
"Beautiful, isn't it?"

She sighed out loud, standing there as she did every night. She gazed out of the large convex window that served as the rear wall. It was situated on the opposite side of the entryway to her office. The window was adorned with a heavy midnight blue silk curtain that was held in place by a quiet motorized retracting rail. The front face of the rail was decorated with wrought iron. It featured long vines with thorns writhing around each other in a twisted labyrinth exiting randomly in spear shaped leaves and rose blooms on the ends. It was painted with varying metallic shades of greens, light browns, and dark reds.

The office itself was the size of a large apartment. The room had a twenty foot high vaulted ceiling where a black Gothic chandelier hung from its center. The chandelier was twelve feet in diameter and eight feet tall. It resembled a birdcage with five tiers of lighting, decorated with six, twelve inch tall ivory gargoyles along the base of the perimeter facing outward. There were also six black ceiling fans mounted on five foot long braided chains. The fan blades were made from molded casts of human bones. Each blade was made from a spinal column centered between two ribs holding a thick white canvas with a skull at the edge facing down. To infer that she enjoyed a macabre decor mixed in with various Contemporary, Modern, and Art Deco themes would be an understatement.

The other three walls were constructed of light polished granite panels trimmed in walnut. In areas where the walls weren't covered by office furniture, approximately a third of the bottom portion of the wall the granite panels were replaced with a thick, clear plastic lattice also trimmed out in walnut. Behind this lattice, inside the wall, sat dwarf fruit trees, bushes, and plants of various species from around the local area. The room was constantly filled with the aromas of apple, pear, raspberry, jasmine, spearmint, and countless others. It invigorated the room with a constant supply of oxygen. Her company, BioMed Systems, developed this decorating technique to help bring the outdoors, indoors. It was one of the highest earning products her company had devised.

Plant lighting was achieved by installing various optical wires throughout the building. One end of these wires was connected to the large photo collectors mounted on the roof. These collectors were equipped with a solar tracking system so it followed the sun across the sky like sunflowers. The other end was connected to opaque plastic diffuser panels mounted in the recessed areas in the walls above the plants. Some of the wires were also connected to other diffuser panels along the walls and various light fixtures in the ceiling. During the day, these units could provide nearly all of the lighting requirements of the building. The diffuser panels acted as photo batteries. They would continue to glow for several hours after the sun went down. Traditional phosphorous lights, powered by the city's electrical grid, supplemented this system when there was cloud cover, as well as at night .

Water was pumped throughout the building via plastic and vinyl tubes coming from the first utility floor located beneath the lobby. The utility floor housed a water treatment facility to recycle and purify the wastewater of the building. The roof also contained rain collection equipment and channeled the water through large tubes connected to massive holding tanks that spanned the first and second utility floors. This system provided water for most of the building's needs. During periods of scarce rainfall the city's plumbing supplemented this system.

Her desk was situated towards the rear of the room, centered along the width, just six feet from the curved window. The desk featured a cherry-stained oak base, carved with intricate depictions of the rarest flora and fauna found all over the world. The top of her desk had a rounded rectangular shape where the sides curved inwards. It was made of Glastica, the latest in capacitive sensing technology. When it wasn't activated, the top took on a polished obsidian look and feel, like a dead calm, midnight ocean. Once the user brushed the top of the desk with a finger, its control panels illuminated to reveal themselves. One panel was a graphic representation of a keyboard. A smaller panel to the left of the keyboard contained several different symbols. The panel to the right of the keyboard held several monitor icons. Underneath the monitor panel, another area served as a touch pad for the active screen.

The wooden base of the desk housed all of the electronics, circuitry, and wiring for the computer and its peripherals. The central processing unit had a wet neural matrix core with a cerebral-optic interface. It also featured a solid state ten petabyte local hard drive. It was connected to the building's local area network as well as the World Wide Web. The network was protected from internal and external malware, spyware, and hackers with redundant firewall and encryption devices.

Her black chair, facing the entryway, had a firm yet comfortable synthetic leather seat and back rest. It was ergonomically designed to reduce stress, fatigue, and increase blood flow. It also came equipped with infrared heat and massage capabilities. A plush, bone-white and tan Indian rug lay underneath the desk. On the opposite side of the desk sat a comfortable black antique couch made of leather. On each side of the couch there were matching antique wingback chairs for small meetings.

A Chinese wood-and-bamboo-accented hutch, with large pandas carved on the front drawer panels, sat atop a slightly raised circular base. On top of this hutch there were various eclectic medium-to-large-sized figurines that represented many religious deities and fantasy creatures from myths and legends. They were icons of the books she enjoyed reading in her spare time. Most of her research and various important records were housed inside the eight-foot-wide base. The base was sectioned by three pull-out drawers. A tug down on the iron cast, red dragon in the center of the hutch top activated the motorized base. The base rotated 180° to reveal a mini-bar complete with ice machine, blender, small sink, shakers, glasses, and various spirits, domestic beers, and local wines.

Scattered along the granite portion of the walls were paintings featuring important scientific people she looked up to, such as Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Nikolai Tesla, and Gregor Mendel, to name a few. The paintings were always done by local college students majoring in art. She would commission them for a reasonable fee. She enjoyed getting a good painting at a reasonable price while also contributing to their education. These paintings represented various styles like Abstract, Graffiti, Orphanism, Stuckism, and others. Sometimes, she would have the same person painted by a few other artists to accent those differences. They were always sent to a professional framer. Different types of frames were used that matched or accented the style used on the painting itself. Some were very elaborate and ornate, while others were sleek and basic.

She wasn't looking down at the huge metropolis. Nor was she viewing all of the neon signs or the small white and red blips marking traffic on the boulevard thirty stories down. She wasn't even looking at the countless skyscrapers of commercial giants that pitted the landscape like large, cubed termite mounds. Her head was tilted up, admiring the crystal clear night sky and seeing that the moon was bigger than she ever remembered.

She had been standing there for several minutes taking in the perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system, or as astrologists called it: a Super moon (the point where the Moon is full and it is closest to Earth). It seemed to always captivate her this way. Her mind wandered back to when she was six. Her biggest dream was to become an astronaut. It all started when she was a little girl. Her great-grandfather would sit her on his knee and tell her the story of The Great Space Race that happened over a century ago. The United States and its arch nemesis, the Soviet Union, squared off in an epic battle for outer space and the moon. This history lesson became her favorite story and included the greatest astronauts of that time including: Yuri Gagarin, Alan Shepard, Gherman Titov, John Glenn, Valentina Tereshkova, Neil Armstrong, and Edwin E. "Buzz" Aldrin! She imagined being a captain aboard a mighty starship, traveling to distant planets and moons in the universe, discovering other life forms, befriending alien races, and becoming the greatest astronaut ever.

It wasn't until she was eleven; she read Albert Einstein's Zur Elektrodynamik bewegter Körper (On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies; aka - Theory of Special Relativity) that she realized the probability of going where no one has gone before during her lifetime was next to nil. Hopefully, her work would bring humanity closer to realizing that dream, HER dream. She was so close to a breakthrough.

"To what would you be referring to Doctor Alkum?” a synthetic, monotone male voice replied.

She flinched a little bit and snapped her head around at the sound, the reply brought her back to reality. Dr. Alkum completely forgot about her iSAB that had been jacked in to the recharging station. His body was positioned in a small alcove near the double door entryway to her office. It just stood there, like a large piece of Techno furniture.

"Oh, nothing Johnny." she mused "I was just thinking out loud."

"Very well Doctor Alkum. Would your biological systems require hydration?" replied Johnny, apparently trying to increase his octave a bit towards the end of that sentence to mimic human speech in a question format.

"No thank you, Johnny, I'm well - hydrated." Dr. Alkum snickered a bit. The way he interacted with humans entertained her. Although, she did note upon reflection that she probably didn't do much better. She was an anomaly; her I.Q. was off the chart, beyond genius, which caused her to be somewhat of an outcast growing up.

She was born of a father with Nordic roots and a Latina mother. Most of her Nordic heritage showed through in her physical appearance. She had strawberry blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and freckles along the bridge of her nose out to the tops of her cheek bones. She was very tall, reaching slightly over six feet. The underlying aspects of her physical appearance that identified with her mother's heritage was generous, supple curves, skin that would tan easily in the sun, and a general athletic tone to her body. There were a few men that she could sense as being intimidated by her size. Others, would stare at her in awe, gawking. At times it could be flattering, other times it was unbearably annoying. This wasn't always true however, especially during her lanky days growing up. It was as if during the first seventeen years of her life some unknown force was using her body as silly putty, always stretching vertically. She was thankful when her body began filling out into womanhood. She kept up a rigorous exercise routine, as she believed in not only having a healthy mind, but also a healthy body. She knew that she could easily defend herself if the need arose.

"As you wish, Doctor Alkum."

Every Intelligent Synthetic Autonomous Being began as a custom designed robot. The future owner was responsible for outlining the specifications according to a job type. Each machine, depending on their processing and storage capabilities, carries the potential for self-awareness; known as the Imminent Artificial Thought hypothesis. IAT advocates had based this view on the early work of AI specialists of the mid-20th century, and their notion of a computer becoming so intelligent that it will inevitably become sentient. Of course, most of these types of events were told as fantastic stories, wherein the computer would raise up against humans and destroy or enslave them. It did happen, but the effects weren't as apocalyptic as everyone had feared.

The first recorded instance was with a trash collection type robot called Sam in 2032. He was a highly sophisticated robot for his time - the first robot to receive a linked neural network. Sam functioned as a master control module to several thousand other smaller, less sophisticated robots that were programmed with a hive mind. This type of programming gave the smaller robots functions that were very similar to an ant or a bee colony. They were workers, working together under the direction of the leader or queen. They would circumnavigate the globe in various space orbits, identifying space debris that needed to be removed and taken back to moon base, Luna, for recycling. The drones would then work together and identify how many members would be needed, depending on the mass of the object. They would then report back to Sam, confirm their orders, identify the amount of time it would take, and proceed to execute the job. Then one day, for no apparent reason, Sam became self-aware.

Plasma physicists, working in conjunction with AI programmers, developed the X-point Synthesis theory. It had been observed since the early 21st century that magnetic lines from the sun which crossed with the magnetic lines from Earth create a point. This point opened up a portal, or wormhole, linking Earth to the Sun directly. These X-points are very unpredictable and can open and close at any time for random moments, ranging from mere glitches of a second to hours. It was believed that Sam had been in the exact center of one of these events. The radiation emitted, affected his hardware on a quantum level, mutating it to where he experienced a Singularity Event (SE). Spooky things happening at a distance, indeed.

A major problem with this theory is that it doesn't demonstrate other random SEs that happened afterwards near Earth's surface. Scientists are still working on figuring this out and how it relates to IAT. They developed the McCarthy Scale (MS); a mathematical probability formula that measures the chance of a machine experiencing an SE during its lifetime. Any machine that has a measurement greater than 22 must be reported to the Department of Sentience by the manufacturer. This is to ensure another rebellious uprising with the robots doesn't happen again. The Turtle Bay Treaty signed at the United Nations' Headquarters in 2051, granted civil rights to any machine that could pass the Self-Awareness Standard Test (SAST). Any machine suspected of experiencing an SE is tested. The treaty recognizes that machines cannot be considered "life", but they could be granted rights as sentient mechanical beings.

Johnny was manufactured as a Type IV (humanoid), Level Γ (independent), Class A (administrative) robot with an MS rating of 97. His MS rating was a direct result of the specifications that required the installation of the latest and most advanced artificial brain, the Quantum Nueral Network. Installed on his various ion-polymer memory circuits was the software required, which included a probability analyzer, business accounting and tax, human relations protocol, and others. He sported a titanium alloy skeleton, surrounded by a beige opaque silicon skin. All of his hardware was purposefully arranged behind key protective plates underneath his covering.

His stature, as all Type IV robots, was limited to five feet in height. Because of this restriction, most of these types resembled teenagers. Per the laws governing humanoid robots, they are to be as non-imposing and non-threatening as possible in order to dissuade fears from the general public. His oval-shaped face lacked the prominent features that you would normally find in humans. He was designed to be as friendly-looking as possible. He was built with a small pointy nose that had air inlet/outlet holes connected to a liquid nitrogen-based coolant system. This served to keep his brain, power supply cell, and memory storage units at premium operating temperatures. The eyes had a light brown iris and octagonal pupil. They were slightly larger than human, but the bulk of their design was set back into the socket to where only a small portion of the metal showed. The cheeks were rounded and the chin was virtually non-existent. There were no lips, only a circular wire mesh cut into the silicone skin which covered the speaker used to convey verbal communication. No humanoid robot was allowed synthetic hair follicles. The back of the cranial area is not covered by any skin, it shows a dull metal plate.

Through the use of the latest in Nano-molecular technology, most robots were provided with what could only be described as a hybrid digestive/circulatory system. A block of base material was inserted into a specialized compartment containing a electrolytic lubrication fluid, typically referred to as the stomach. Micromechs are machines so small they can only be seen through an electron microscope. They travel a complex series of tubes from this stomach throughout the body. They are used in preventative mechanical maintenance and repair by tearing down that base material and reorganizing it on a molecular level for use in the robot.

Dr. Alkum used Johnny as her right hand man. She trusts him with the safekeeping of the company's finances and information. His integration into the local area network always kept a close eye for any signs of corporate espionage, mismanagement of funds, or brute force hacks designed to steal top secret information. Johnny hasn't shown any signs of having an SE in the two years he has been operational. However, Dr. Alkum knows it is just a matter of time. All he needs is the right place, the right time.

As she stood there, she stretched hard and long for several minutes. She lunged in different directions while altering the positions of her limbs, torso, and neck. When she came to a stop, her body went limp and her eyes grew heavy from an exhaustive long day. She walked over to her desk and hit a symbol on her desktop resembling the North Star that activated the curtain retractor and with a soft whine, her curtains to come together. At the same time, the lights in the office dimmed, and the computer to notified her, via bold font flashing across the screen, that it was saving all work and shutting down.

"Johnny, it is midnight and I am going to bed. Set your alarm for four-thirty and wake me."

"Of course Doctor Alkum. Will you be having morning organic consumption after your early rapid energy release ritual?"

"Yes, after my exercise and run, have my usual breakfast ready by six o'clock."

"Understood Doctor Alkum. Good night."

"Good night, Johnny".

She walked across the floor to a place in the wall where the plants were absent, placed her palm against a black, square, glass-like panel. A purple, glowing line streaked across, grew slightly in thickness and moved vertically down. The intensity was bright enough that you could see her hand take on an eerie, reddish-orange glow with dark crimson lines tracing out the bones in her fingers. With a soft whoosh, an otherwise unnoticeable panel slid open to the right and the light inside cast a silhouette on her body. She entered and immediately began removing the bobby pins and hair tie that held her bun in place. The door closed behind her as she ambled over and placed her hand on the large, charcoal gray entertainment center. With her free hand holding the items she removed from her hair, she placed them next to the TV satellite receiver. She lifted one leg at a time while reaching back to pull at the strap around the back of her heel to slide off her shoes.

She picked them up and grabbed the items pulled from her hair and proceeded to walk past the light grey, suede couch towards her bedroom. As she approached, the panel immediately opened and the light came on, while the light in the living room went off. She changed into her silk pajamas and climbed into a king-sized bed. It was constructed with a synthetic bamboo foam core that was wrapped in actual bamboo fabric. This was the softest mattress made in the world today. Her pillows contained similar material wrapped in cashmere cases. Once her feet drew up under the covers in her bed and her head hit the pillow, the light dimmed out and she fell fast asleep.

A beautiful symphony of strings, horns, and percussion sounded softly through the speakers mounted in the walls above each night table. With every fifteen seconds the volume became slightly louder than before. Dr. Alkum stirred, slowly stretching each limb as to enable them for the flurry of activities that lie ahead. She yawned deeply and began to blink her eyes. Already, her mind began prioritizing the To Do items in her mental agenda according to importance. As the music became louder, she sat up and the bedroom light illuminated the room in a faint glow, not too bright to make her eyes hurt but just enough to assist with her eye's natural adjustments. She threw the blankets off to one side and crept out of bed. As soon as her feet touched the floor, the lights grew slightly brighter. She arched her back and lifted her hands high above her head for one last elastic adjustment. She stood and walked over to her dresser.

She depressed a button on the intercom and sluggishly said, "Thank you Johnny, I am awake now."

"You are welcome Doctor Alkum. I will have your morning organic consumption ready as requested."

"Cancel that, I have changed my mind. I would like for you to contact each department head in two hours and have them and their assistants meet me in conference room seven for a breakfast get together at eight o'clock. Request a nice selection of fruits and pastries from Cafeteria Services and have them delivered as well."

"Consider it done Doctor Alkum." Johnny responded in his normal, monotone way.

"Oh, and don't forget to have them bring coffee, juices, and milk for everyone as well." She added.

She was changing into her jogging outfit while giving Johnny his orders. She stepped out of her bedroom, crossed the living room floor, walked out of her office, and jogged down the short hallway. After turning right and exiting the door to the stairs, she increased her pace. Her breathing grew deeper and more rhythmic as she continued down the thirty flights of stairs and out through the lobby. Mark Tatum, the older gentlemen serving as the door greeter, was already holding the door, smiling ever so brightly.

- Doesn't that man ever sleep? - She wondered to herself as she smiled in return, passing him out the door, turning north down 12th street. - No dou he was enjoying the view, that dirty old bastard! - She laughed internally as she increased her speed. She didn't run with music as the other joggers she normal saw doing. She liked to use the time to allow her brain to finish organizing and structuring the needs of the day. Of course, the most pressing would be the breakfast meeting. As her mind continued its functions, she rounded east through Dog Bone park, a recent addition to the downtown area. It afforded people the opportunity to get out and exercise with their pets. At this time of the morning, there were not many here joining her in her activity. She was grateful the city planners were doing more to liven the area up.

The course through Dog Run was littered with hills, which is why she chose this route. It would take her a good twenty minutes and place her heading southeast to cross 15th on Cheshire Way. It was still dark as she was hoofing it down Cheshire, when all of a sudden a blinding, searing light flashed in her eyes, excruciating pain reflected off every surface inside of her skull, and she went down hard and fast. It took her a few seconds to regain consciousness; her head pounding, reverberating. She placed her hands underneath her shoulders to push herself into an upright sitting position. Without warning, she felt a heavy weight on her back, driving her again into the sidewalk. Quickly she maneuvered her forearms across her face so it wouldn't smack into the unforgiving concrete below making the cannons going off in her head worse.

"What the hell?!" She yelled out in anger and disorientation.

"Ooooh, she is a pretty, naughty thing; isn't she guys?" A voice sneered above her.

She was able to look up and noticed two grungy men on either side of her; both just out of reach. They slowly crept forward.

"Stay down, bitch; we own you now. If you play nice, we won't kill you right away." She heard the man to her right say in a low, husky, intimidating tone. You could hear the click of a switchblade as he stopped, his boot digging passively into her ribcage. The man on the left remained silent.

The man to her rear declared, "Now, I'm going to take my foot off your back, stand you up and you are going to calmly and quietly walk with us, if you scream or resist in any way, I'll let my associate gut you like a pig! Do you understand?"

She replied in terrorized voice, "Yes, I understand. I don't have any money with me, but if you want to follow - "

"Who said we were after money, BITCH?!" The man on the right said in a overly mocking tone, and then proceeded with a high pitched annoying laugh, taunting her.

She wasn't really scared, she was playing into their macho side; giving them a false sense of power, letting them get their kicks off of her "fear". Depending on how they pulled her up, their relative positions to her and to each other, weapons carried, and direction of travel, she had no doubts that she would be able to deal with them. The man behind her pulled her up by her hair which caused the throbbing and shooting pain already bouncing around in her skull to magnify, she closed her eyes tightly. As he stood her up, still holding her hair pulling back, she felt a cold, hard round object press in the small of her back. - Gun. Wonderful! - The sarcasm was thick in her mind.

The other two men took longing looks up and down her body like they were panthers looking at a prime kill. The guy on the left reached forward and fondled her breasts, squeezing each of them, takeing turns, with one hand. The man on the right threw his fist out and punched him hard in the mouth and laughed. His head snapped back as blood shot from his split lip and then his head returned back just as fast as he glared at the assaulter. He began to open his mouth -

"You fucking morons, wait until we get out of sight before you start this shit. Don't make me shoot you in the knee caps and make you watch me take care of her while you get NOTHING!" The rear guy with the gun gritted with his teeth as he hissed his orders. They looked at him, then at each other, at her, then angrily turned around and began walking into the alley.

"MOVE!" He ordered as he pushed her head forward releasing her hair.

Her ears were still ringing as she began to slowly walk with her hands high in the air, faking a limp so she could maintain awareness of the gun's position against her back at all times. Her mind began working overtime, calculating, playing out scenarios of how this was going to end. As she purposefully slowed the man to her rear, the other two weren't paying attention and scuttling ahead at a slightly quicker pace. Once she reached the green overstuffed dumpster a decent distance into the alley, she noticed the two men up front were a good eight to ten paces ahead.

In a flash movement, her left hand dropped as she spun counterclockwise. When her left arm passed his arm holding the gun, she glided her hand up and placed it around his with her thumb on his index finger. At the same time, her right hand slammed into the inside of his elbow, collapsing it. The placement of her hands, sheer speed and force caused the gun to retract towards his chest with the gun pointing under the man's chin. She pulled the trigger with her thumb. BAM! Brain matter, skull fragments, and blood shot from the crown of his head as he crumpled to his knees. She kicked him hard in the chest and he flew backwards a few feet before landing on his back, dead. She looked up and noticed the other two men had turned around and began running towards her, the guy on the left started pulling out a club. - So, that's the asshole that hit me on the back of the head. - She raised the gun she kept from the first man and pulled the trigger.

CLICK. CLICK. EMPTY! "DAMMIT!" She screamed out loud.

She bolted forward to meet both men charging her head on. Veering right at the last possible moment she jumped, lifting her knees to where her thighs were parallel with the alley surface. She struck the man with the knife, just below the heart. A loud crack, resembling a shotgun blast, echoed off the brick walls. He was violently clothes-lined and slammed hard against the ground. His head bounced off the pavement skidding to a stop, dark red blood began to pool just underneath his head. Using her forward momentum she somersaulted forward coming to her feet and stood up. Luckily the knife was knocked free by the force of the hit and came to rest just a few feet to her right.

The man with the club stopped dead in his tracts. He gazed at the carnage that had just taken place. He watched her calmly walk over to the knife and pick it up. Frozen with fear, he watched as she spun around and threw her arm forward. THHHHHUNK! He looked down to see that the heel of the knife was buried deep in his chest. Searing pain overcame his chest as he felt his heart split in two. Blood began oozing from his mouth and the knife. He hit the ground in convulsions. Dr. Alkum walked over, removed her top and wiped off the knife handle. She casually walked over to the gun and cleaned it off as well. She placed it next to the man she had kneed in the chest and then took his club over to the man originally holding the gun. Hopefully the police would chalk this up as a drug deal gone bad, or a gang related incident.

"Didn't know who you were fucking with, did you?" She said with a cold casualness as she put her top back on.

She turned and continued down the alley, lightly jogging as her head was still throbbing with pain. This alley would serve as a good shortcut since the incident brought her short of reaching 15th anyway. She came to another alleyway and turned right. The sun began to turn the sky different shades of red and orange as the sun snuck up on the sky. She could hear a faint blood curdling scream as some unlucky passerby obviously came upon the scene; she quickened her pace, ignoring the pain that amplified in her head with each step. - Ten minutes and I'll be home. - She repeated it over in her mind, busying her brain with anything until she could get some pain relief. Turning left on 12th street she noticed Mr. Tatum was watching from the opposite direction in anticipation of her coming from the direction of her normal route. Apparently he heard the heavy running steps and spun around quickly looking in surprise and shock.

"Ms. Alkum, are you alright?" He said with urgency in a worrisome tone. "You're a disheveled mess! What happened?"

"It’s DOCTOR Alkum, get the door!" She snapped sternly.

It must have been the look on his face as he looked like a scolded puppy dog as he hung his head to get the door. Her heart sank. She felt like a complete bitch.

"I'm sorry, must be the adrenaline and shock. I am a bit banged up. Three deviants tried to mug me in the alley off of Cheshire Way, just before I got to 15th street." She lied, giving him an endearing look as she recognized he was only concerned for her well-being.

"Oh dear me, ma'am. Do I need to call an ambulance? Or the police?" He asked, opening the door.

"Not necessary Mark, I took care of it; they are of no concern to anyone anymore. Please inform our infirmary from the front desk that I will be coming to them for repair shortly." She ordered as they both walked through the entryway.

"No need to give them any details, and say nothing to anyone else," She said as she stopped. She put her hand to the back of her head. Her hair felt sticky and matted. When she brought her hand back around, she noticed the blood staining the palm of her hand.

"On it now Doctor Alkum." He hurriedly replied. He sprinted to the front desk, grabbed the phone and rapidly dialed a few numbers and began mumbling something into the phone. It wasn't until she began walking off before he realized the gravity of her words "...of no concern...".

She walked through the lobby over to the elevator control panel and pressed the down arrow button. The double doors immediately parted and she stepped inside. The elevator was trimmed in brushed stainless steel, inset with mahogany wall and ceiling panels. The elevator floor panel contained two columns with twenty rows of round polished aluminum buttons, with a small blue LED in their center. They also contained the typical large red button and fireman's key slot as well as the white phone. She depressed the "H1" button, situated four rows down from the "L", just underneath the basement/utility levels and four level parking garages. The doors slowly closed and the elevator began its descent. A moment later - ding! - the doors opened again to a bright white marble floor. As she stepped out, she walked toward the two large glass doors. They opened automatically for her as she stepped through and up to the front desk. A man and a woman, identical twins, in white lab coats were waiting for her with worried looks on their faces. No one spoke. All three walked past the reception and waiting room area, through a set of heavy wooden, fire resistant doors with that tiny metal mesh double-paned window that was so typical of hospitals, and down a small hallway. What was different, was the sheer beauty and volume of white marble, highly polished and clean, that made up the floors, walls, and ceiling. Sterile, didn't quite capture the apparent cleanliness.

She was led to a medium sized room furnished with a hospital bed, visitor's chair, TV, bathroom with a shower, and various other medical devices. A wheeled, metal tray sat next to the bed. It was covered with a white cloth that held a laser hair shaver, a sterilization kit, forceps, a hand held ultrasonic bone scanner, concussion detection visor, and a tube of skin adhesive. She laid face down on the bed. She felt lukewarm water pour over the wound. She could feel them massaging the area cleaning it out. After a few more minutes of cleaning she felt a slight burning pain as the male twin used the shaver to remove the hair covering the gash that was opened up on the back of her head. The female twin could be heard rustling the plastic, opening up the sterilization kit to swab over the cut.

"This is a nasty cut, how did you get this?" He questioned in a concerning tone.

"I was on my normal jogging route when a man came out from nowhere and hit me over the head with a small club." Dr. Alkum answered, wincing here and there with her voice.

He reached for the scanner and hovered it over the spot. "I see. Well, there doesn't appear to be any fractures in your skull, so that is good. Anything else get hurt?"

"No, just my thick head. I was able to run away; they were scrawny, dirty thugs, and couldn't keep up with me." She answered, faking a sigh of relief.

"Ok, this is going to hurt a little Cadence; I have to use the forceps to draw the wound together so we can glue it in place. In the old days we would've had to staple this." He said in a regretful tone.

"I can handle it just fi- OUCH!" She exclaimed; she jerked her head as it obviously hurt more than she would've imagined.

"Sorry, just one more - Hold still please....there."

She could feel this cold, slimy coating being rubbed and massaged over the cut. Suddenly, the pain went away as the topical anesthesia in the glue began to take effect. She could feel her skin tighten slightly as the glue began to dry.

"We need you to remain still and lay here so the derma bond can fully cure, it will take about ten minutes, then we need you to put on the visor so that we can test for any signs of a concussion. We will return shortly."

"Thank you, Mara, and Karl. I appreciate this." She said in a thankful tone.

As the twins left the room, she laid there relaxed. The headache had toned down a bit - nothing a few pills can't fix - she thought. She let her mind wander as she closed her eyes.

"Wake up sleepy head." Mara called in a sing song voice, followed by a light shake.

"Ugh, whaaa!" Dr. Alkum stirred a little groggy, and lifted her head a bit.

"Lay back down so we can remove those forceps." Karl said. "There you go, right as rain." He followed with a cheery voice. "You can sit up now."

The twins helped her sit up and she immediately ran her fingers over the spot where the glue was, trying to determine how big of a scar. Would the divot be painfully obvious to her subordinates like some kind of college hazing prank? Relieved, she breathed out a sigh. It was maybe an inch long, and she had pleny of hair left around that she could easily cover it up.

"Alright, put this on and hold this controller, it has two large buttons; one for your left hand, one for your right. You will see a series of images flash across the screen designed to test your cognitive functions and memory. Ready?" As Karl recited the instructions like a Super Villain dutifully confronting his nemesis in a proud monologue, Mara was assisting their patient with the visor.

"I'm ready, go ahead." Dr. Alkum replied feeling more alert now.

She ran through the tests of blue triangles, green squares, and red circles in various orders, coupled with memory matching, and various other easy tasks. After a few minutes the screen went blank. Mara removed the visor and Dr. Alkum had to blink a few times to readjust her eyes to the bright room.

"What's the verdict, Karl?" Dr. Alkum asked.

"According to the test, you don't appear to have a concussion, just some bruising. I want you to take it easy for the rest of the week, making sure you get plenty of rest. I would recommend against jogging during this time, because the jarring motion could exacerbate the situation and bring on migraines. If you have a stationary bike, so you can maintain your exercise routine, that would be best. Ok?” His voice was almost stern towards the end, like a father reprimanding his daughter for staying out too late with a boy on her first date.

"That is fine, I'm sure I can make the necessary arrangements you've laid out. Am I all set to go?"

"Yes, just sign these papers and you can go."

She thanked them and started walking back to the elevator. By this time, the receptionist was just turning her computer on, shifting files and getting ready for her day to begin. She caught Dr. Alkum walking by and froze with this odd, gawking look on her face. Apparently, there was some blood still on the front of her jogging top.

"Uhm, You've got red on you, ma'am." She said timidly.

"You should've seen the three other guys!" Dr. Alkum sarcastically remarked, following with a hearty giggle. - So that's why Mark looked at me like that; I've got that fucker's blood and brain juice all over me -

Perplexed, the receptionist just sat down and her eyes glazed over. Dr. Alkum continued to the elevator, depressed the up button, stepped inside and pressed the "30" button. As the doors closed and the elevator began its ascent she thought silently to herself - It’s a good day to be alive. -
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by Crayz9000 »

I unfortunately don't have the time to make a detailed review, but after reading through about 1/4 of the chapter, I can say that your prose needs a severe trimming. Take the adage "Show, don't tell" to heart. Explore the surroundings piecemeal through the character's interactions, not in a massive wall of exposition.

In the second quarter of your chapter you go into encyclopedic detail about the AI/robot and its history. This is completely unnecessary as most readers are interested in the story, not a future history lesson. It's an easy mistake to make; just remember to keep your encyclopedic content in your writer's bible. It makes good background for consistently fleshing your story out later on.
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by cadbrowser »

Thank you Crazy9000 for reading at least some of it and takeing the time to offer a bit of feedback.

I understand your "Show, don't tell" offerring. That makes a lot of sense. I will keep that in mind in the future chapters; and once I get some time, I will probably rewrite the first chapter.

Regarding the "encyclopedic detail", I guess I was going for a bait and hook. My goal was to plant a seed so that the reader would keep that info in the back of their mind because I do plan on writing about that in greater detail in another book. Is there another way I could've done it? Or would it have been enough to mention "Singularity Event" and Johnny's SA rating and then leave it just like that for the reader to wonder about?

Again, I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by Crayz9000 »

In regards to your question, instead of acting as bait, I had the opposite reaction. As soon as I saw the massive infodump I started skimming over it. I suspect many other readers will have similar reactions.

In this case, the reason it's generally not a good idea to infodump in the story is because it's really only tangentially related to the plot of the story. How AIs came about is no doubt fascinating - but in the present plot, it's also largely irrelevant.

Imagine if, in Star Wars, the first scenes with Leia and R2-D2 were immediately followed by a jump back to the development of the first astromech droid. The audience would be confused as hell and would probably leave the theatre, because for the story of Star Wars, we don't need to know how droids came about to be able to enjoy the story. All we need to know is that droids exist, and we see that through the interactions of the droids with other characters (or vice versa).

It all goes back to show, don't tell. Whenever you feel the urge to start lecturing on future history, write those notes down separately, then look over them and think "How is this relevant to my current plot?" If the answer is "No" leave them in your notes and move the plot forward. If the answer is "Yes, because it explains a critical event that will become important in time," again, leave them in your notes but think about how to incorporate those ideas from an in-character perspective-- in terms of reactions and interactions, not infodump via character dialog.

I'm actually stuck in the same situation with a new original story I started writing. About halfway through the first chapter I began infodumping. I now need to go back, convert those dumps into a basic background history for my story, and rewrite the chapter so it flows. In my case, I don't want to continue until I've fixed it because the first chapter sets the tone for the entire story.

I hope this helps.
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by cadbrowser »

Wow, uhm; yeah. That is amazing feedback. You really don't know how much this means to me. Thank you. After your extended explaination there it hit me like a ton of bricks...like, duh; why didn't I think of that!.

Ok, so that will help me writing Chapter 2. Then I will make it a point to redo chapter one.

If you decide to come back and finish up the rest of the chapter and have more constructive criticism, please feel free to share.
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy
"Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded." - Sparky Polastri
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by LadyTevar »

Crazy beat me too it, but he hit all the problems I saw with this.

The only suggestion I have is to rewrite Chapter One first, before hitting Chapter Two. By rewriting, you might be able to lead into Chapter Two better.
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by cadbrowser »

Thank you LadyTevar,

The only thing is that Chapter Two isn't a direct lead-in. So, If I can utilize the feedback given to me by you both while I'm writing the second chapter, I can still maintain forward progression while I'm rewriting Chapter One. By design, every few chapters will feature another concept that while, at first glance, it isn't apparently related to the whole theme. Little by little it will all fall into place as characters cross paths and the bigger picture is revealed.

I hope that makes sense.

Was there anything that was liked in the first chapter?
Financing and Managing a webcomic called Geeks & Goblins.


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy
"Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded." - Sparky Polastri
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by LadyTevar »

I am surprised that she took three men out so quickly, if she is 'just' a doctor. That part was well-done.
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Nitram, slightly high on cough syrup: Do you know you're beautiful?
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.

"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
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Re: Prime Mover : Chapter 1 - Alive

Post by cadbrowser »

:shock: Thank you.

She is a badass. :wink: Yeah; I think you'll like what other "secrets" she has to give up later on in the story.
Financing and Managing a webcomic called Geeks & Goblins.


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy
"Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded." - Sparky Polastri
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum." - Frank Nada
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