Edge of the universe W40k story

[khursed]

Ok here is a short story with a nebulous beginning.

It all started on Nex Parietis a hive world with a history of obediance to the god emperor of mankind. The ruling council had decided to increase its political clout with a great and bold move to explore the rim of the galaxy from which they were very close.

Reports had come from multiple sources that there was a planetoid emitting power on a phenomenal scale, according to calculation the neutrino level alone indicated fusion power on the order of an O class star. The adeptus mechanicus representative had been formally declared an heretic when his first report had been received by mars, and it was only after multiple other reliable sources and an inquisitors had personally vouched for his figures that he had escaped death.

This mysterious planetoid was less then a thousand miles across with a weak gravity field, which itself should have been proof of the impossibility of such power being harnessed there. Yet, time and time again survey from probes entering the system reported that neutrino emissions from the planetoid now dubbed Valde Senior Iocus far outshone the system's lone red dwarf by multiple order of magnitude. Valde Senior Iocus was orbiting it so close that it was tidal locked to its parent star, who had been dubed Abbas Iocus.

What perplexed the ruling council of Nex Parietis was that as soon as any of their probe reached the other side of Valde Senior Iocus they instantly seemed to disapear from their auspex ceasing to transmit information forever.

So it is the 455th imperial guard legion of Nex Parietis had been assembled and equipped with extensive adeptus mechanicus forces to solve that mystery. Vice-Admiral Varius Secar was appointed as the leader of the expedition that was lead by his flagship Inhumanus Lupus a dictator class attack craft cruiser. With two gothic class cruiser Subitus Nex and Permaneo Vox. Along with a dozen various support craft and cargo hauler to establish a basecamp to explain the mysteries of Valde Senior Iocus .

The ruling council was eager to receive word when after a voyage of three week they finally got report of a succesful warp passage to their destination by their exploratory fleet. Only to suddenly learn of instant silence a few hours after the fleet's arival to their target. The last word of the Inhumanus Lupus astropath were "pain, my mind melts..."

Three week later an unmaned emergency probe returned to Nex Parietis with twelve hours of recording. Rumors and gossip ran into every possible direction from another hive fleet to a massive chaos fleet build-up.

The truth would prove to be completely unexpected, for the probe carried a very clear and crips set of picter image of the threat. The probe had been used as a form of diary for the imperial guard 455th legion, showing the quick and efficient landing of the twenty five thousand men strong legion on the soil of Valde Senior Iocus. After a few hours the guards had assembled a mechanised force to finally explore the other side of Valde Senior Iocus where they thought they would find all their answers. Leman Russ tanks lead the way along with multiple chimera, hellhound while valkyrie flew above them. Colonel Fred Fortan of Nex Parietis minor lead the force from his own Leman Russ called Primoris Superbia who had seen dozen of wars and uncountable skirmishes. Scouts sentinel squadrons reported first about a circular platform three and an eight of a mile wide with a 1,666.67 feet high semi circular metal arc that was 16.7 feet thick. At the base of the arc was a single machine of unknown design and configuration, it was a squat looking machine that was eighty three feet high, seemingly constructed of very fine metal that gave a bluish color to it. I had a very rottund maind body with very large shield like arm appendage that seemed to have gigantic claw like underarms. It's leg were seemingly thin and were not proportionate to the rest of its body, with short thigh, and massive shin that were covering most of the feet with what could be called conical toes, three in front and a single bigger one in the back for balance.

The scouts tried to scan the robot, however none of their equipment could reveal anything about it beside what their eyes revealed. When Colonel Fortan arrived with the main force, he discussed with his scouts possibilities. They tried communicating with the machine, and got silence. Colonel Fortan then directed his scouts to move on the circular platform, that seemed to be made of a rocky marble like substance. As soon as the first soldier stepped on it, the alien machine glowed, and the scout simply disapeared in a flash of light in the airless environment of Valde Senior Iocus. Colonel Fortan wasn't about to let any of his men die without acting, and thus ordered his force to move forward. From orbit, the auspex reported multiple thermonuclear like detonations on Valde Senior Iocus, however without any of the hard radiation usually associated with them. Vice-Admiral Varius Secar ordered his fleet to prepare for battle and moved into position to the other side of Valde Senior Iocus, this was the last information in the emergency probe, as it was designed to launch only in case of critical damage to its vessel, in this case the Inhumanus Lupus. The adeptus mechanicus demanded immediate action be taken in this matter as they desperatly wanted to know more about this alien machine.

So it is the ruling council sent a priority message to holy Terra demanding help and support having lost half of its military forces in mere moments.

This is how it starts, does anyone want to see the next step when the space marines are sent to do their own investigation?

[Tandrax218]

carry on ...

more

[Mayabird]

Okay...this isn't really a story. It's more like a synopsis of a story or a backstory infodump before the actual story starts. Are you planning on writing story if you do or is it going to be more of the same? Not saying your idea is bad but ideas are worthless without a lot of follow-through; everybody's got a million of them and 999,999 never come to anything. So will people ever talk or will they just be described as saying things, and will stuff blow up or will it just be said that things were destroyed?

Also, you need a bit of editing and cleaning up. This isn't the worst thing I've ever read but you have punctuation, capitalization, and spelling problems.

Fix and carry on if you like.

[khursed]

Here is more.

After receiving the call, the Regal Eagle chapter of space marine was called into action, it was a new founding chapter from the Tarnegus sector. From the world of Tarn, the Regal Eagle were a hardy sort, never short of recruit from the four world that orbited around the Tarneg star, a typical G2V with an higher then average amount of habitable planets with three.

The first world was Tarn, a hive world dedicated to the god emperor of mankind, with an endless supply of imperial guard and a close affiliation with the adeptus mechanicus since Tarn II was a forge world dependent on Tarn for most of its workforce since Tarn II was unsuitable for life, however extremely rich in all the right material to build all the war machine required be the imperium.

Tarn III and Tarn IV were agri-world, completing the Tarnegus system which was highly self sufficient. The Regal Eagle had been formed during the 738.M41 founding, and they were eager to prove to all their worth even though they were some of the newest and less experienced space marines out there. Due to the Tarnegus system being situated in a mostly empty region between the Scutum-Centaurus arms and the Carina-Sagittatius arm it did not have as many chances as some of the other system to show its mettle in battle due to its lack of neighbours.

So it came to be a most favorable circumstance that the imperial navy had just finished equipping them with their own fleet when the call came for a force to be dispatched to Valde Senior Iocus. As chance would have it, The tarnegus system was probably the best candidate to send reinforcement since they were the closest to do so. Thus the order came down on from holy Terra to send forth this newly minted and fully ready space marine force into action to solve the mystery of Valde Senior Iocus.

On the second moon of Tarn stood a mighty fortress where every aspiring candidate was brought forth to be judge worthy or die a horrible death in their quest to become space marines. Many thousand of youth were brought over every years, never to be seen again by their hopeful family.

The sacrifice those family made paled in comparison to the joy of possibly one day receiving a letter with only four simple word that meant everything to them, "He was judged worthy". The trials for the aspiring Regal Eagle neophyte were in full accordance with the sacred text of the codex astarte. Even though Tarn wasn't a particularly savage or difficult world to live on, the Regal Eagle had taken extreme measures to make up for that by ensuring trials and test of devious difficulties. Some said that of all the new chapter founded at the same time of the Regal Eagle, only one other achieved such debilitating loss in their neophyte as they did.

The man responsible for such grueling affliction on his neophyte was Vargeus Sacrilogus, a towering mountain of muscle and sinew. He had served honorably in the service of the Emperor for close to a thousand years before being asked to undertake the forming of a new chapter. To insure complete dedication to his newly formed chapter, Vargeus had officially renounced his old chapter, not out of disloyalty but because he fully believed that he was born anew to lead a new chapter and thus needed to shed any ties to his past. The rumors were that he was imbued with the genetic stock of Ferrus Magnus, that he had two cybernetic hands, a cybernetic eye and a cybernetic foot only reinforced that notion.

The most surprising rumor was that he had actually been offered to serve as a gray knight after surviving a full blown chaos invasion of his home world. Vargeus wore a full suit of terminator armor, on this beast of a man who was large even by space marine standard, he could cower enemy by his simple formidable presence. On his right arm was a devilish looking heavy twin stormbolter of incredible workmanship. His most prized possession was a breath taking power sword of truly awe-inspiring splendor. Some space marine would be able to use it as a two handed sword, Vargeus used it as either a long sword or a two handed sword as he so chose. He was reputed to possess warp power that enabled him to destroy even warp monster immune to all normal weapon with his prized power weapon aptly named Soul Devourer.

In the main keep's sanctum, Vargeus was reviewing his orders as his entire chapter was readying for their task. Close to him as ever was Ernesti Crolis his chief librarian and closest confidant. Ernesti was probably not as imposing as the usual space marine physically, what he lacked in physical attribute he more then made up with the power of his mind. He had been the first librarian of the Regal Eagle to endure all the trials and test set in front of him, and had risen like a comet through the ranks to become the chapter master's most trusted and respected adviser.

The regal eagle hadn't had many combat mission to test their mettle, however on those few instances they had been called upon to fight for mankind, Ernesti Crolis had been instrumental in their victory. On the world of Trocep, he had predicted a chaos cult, and given his battle brothers clear and precise location of their enemy, what should have been a bloody fight of attrition had turned into a slaughter thanks to Ernesti's clearvoyance. So it was with no small respect that Vargeus had to review his chief librarian's latest insight.

"My lord, you know full well that the way of the warp is ever deceiving and complicated, my vision was for once clear and concise, when the Regal Eagle go to Valde Senior Iocus, we will face great sorrow and near utter destruction if we make the slightest mistake."

Those words made the chapter master remember how he had sworn never to doubt his chief librarian, even though his heart cried for him to deny what he was saying, and prove him wrong.

"My old friend, you know I value your advice more then anyone. I bid you further your exploration of our future and give me a clue to avoid such a dire fate. We embark on a mission that might bring the name of our chapter glory and honors the like of which haven't been seen since the great heresy. A foe of incredible power has destroyed in an instant a legion of imperial guard and their support fleet, such a foe will prove difficult if not impossible to defeat if we are not properly prepared. This is why I requested that the adeptus mechanicus send us a titan legion to assist us on this mission, I am overjoyed to tell you that Magos Crenal assured me that his Legio Requiem lead by the grandmaster Cortx Cideral will accompany us as soon as they are ready, which should be within a week."

Ernesti seemed pleased to hear such news, as it was a rare honor to have such a magnificient force as a titan legion join a battle fleet.

"My lord, can we expect any more forces to join us on this endeavor?"

Chapter master Vargeus smiled, his old friend knew that he hadn't told him everything.

"You are as cunning as you are fearsome in battle my friend, I am authorized only to tell you, and you know without me going into the details why this should remain a secret, that an inquisitor will be joining us. However since so little is known of our enemy, or their possible motives, he has demanded that under no circumstance that I betray his presence. After much negotiation and not a little misgiving on his part, I was able to convince him to allow me to let you know about his presence."

As Vargeus finished those words the door to the sanctum opened as if on cue.

Out of the doors came a man in his late fifties, with a magnificient crimson cloak of feathers that was attached to his shoulders and covered by golden eagles, his hat was an old captain of the imperial fleet honorary triumph cap, given only to those who had proven heroic beyond and above any measure in battle, such a cap alone represented more prestige then the vast array of medals and honors on his chest. He had grayish hair mixed in with dark brown, bushy eyebrows, green eyes and a straight patrician nose. His lips were full, yet stern, he stood tall and gave the impression of being more imposing then his six feet of height. Under his cloak, he wore a Simulak VII armor, said to be as strong as any space marine, to his left hip he wore a rare and exquisite laser pistol from Enduleak famous for their power, infamous for their price. Completing his visible attire was a beautiful and exquisitely decorated power sword custom made for a normal human.

"I hope your faith in your Chief librarian is warranted master Sacrilegus, for if word gets out of my presence with this fleet, I need not remind you that even a chapter master is not beyond the reach of the inquisition."

Ernesti bristled at the implied threat, and locked gaze with the man, Vargeus felt the air in the room go cold, and saw to his amazement that the inquisitor held his chief librarian's gaze with an intensity that surprised him. After what seemed a few heartbeat, the two of them changed posture, and from a completely hostile bearing both switched to a more relaxed and friendly posture.

"I am sorry to have doubted you Chief Librarian Ernesti Crolis, had I known you were such a devout man, I would have never so openly doubted you, please accept my apologies and sincere regrets to have so brazenly misjudged you."

Gracefully Ernesti bowed to the inquisitor

"A pleasure to make your acquaintance inquisitor Revolri Lortund."

The inquisitor returned the bow with a flourish of his cloak. Vargeus' smile revealed his perfect white teeth

"So can we begin to plan for this mission now that we have been formally introduced?"

Both of the men nodded toward the chapter master, and he thus began

"In two weeks time, we will have finished assembling my chapter's ten companies, captain Argeus Tredalus of the second company's tactical squad reports full readiness, captain Marnos Extevan of the third tactical company, captain Daltan Horinclex of the fifth tactical company report the same. Captain Vill Sureen of the fourth devastator company reports he will be ready in three days, as they have had problems with some of their heavy equipment, captain Devir Etrinot of the sixth devastator company reports the same problems having to due with a faulty set of replacement parts for their transport."

He took a sip of water and took another notepad and continued.

"Captain Korgol Nivexo of the seventh assault company, captain Adhan Patress of the eighth company and captain Clavis Bautist of the ninth company report full readiness, they already left their base for their transport ship, and are conducting drills and simulation to prepare for the mission."

Both men nodded toward the chapter master in pride at how fast and efficiently his chapter was moving.

"Captain Homelic of the tenth scout company has left on a fast ship the strike cruiser Dolosus Phasmatis and will be able to give us a full report once we enter Nex Parietis space and prepare on our way to Valde Senior Iocus, Captain Homelic was tasked to try and extract information from the emergency probe that the Nex Parietisit might have missed."

The chief Librarian looked intensively at his master

"Did he bring Nerion Sabotus?"

The inquisitor responded before the chapter master had a chance to do so.

"I specifically asked master Vargeus Sacrilegus to dispatch your protege Nerion Sabotus with the scouts of the tenth to gather information about the enemy, I was made aware of his special gift and thought it would be to our best advantage to have him sent there ahead of time."

Ernesti nodded

"That is the wise thing to do, Nerion is extremely gifted when it comes to sensing the past of any object, if he has access to the emergency probe, he might give us insight that the recording themselves can't."

Taking another notepad, the chapter master read the list of the ships that would form their fleet, first was his own battle barge, Rutilus Aquilla, the ancient battleship Ortus Vis, twelve strike cruiser, the Vix Predator, the Astrum Campestor, the Inritus Tyrannus, the Validus Fides, the Vinco Flatus, the Atrox Tempestas, the Bellum Era, the Verom Plasmator, the Saevio Solvo, the Tunc Vita, the Permanen Fortuna and the Animus Reprehendo rounding them up were over a hundred support vessel and cargo carriers. The chapter master continued

"Finally captain Frond Maxitem of the first terminator company reports he will be ready to accompany us on my battle barge Rutilus Aquila within the hour. Magos Crenal also promised me the help of twelve skitarrii regiments and a full complement of support staff. So it is with a fearsome force that we will deploy to Valde Senior Iocus, I fully expect us to succeed in our mission."

Inquisitor Revolri took out a small emblem and spoke softly,

"I have been given full authority to use two-stage cyclonic torpedoes if I deem it necessary, I am hereby granting this authority to you as well Chapter Master Vargeus Sacrilegus in the event I am dead or incapable of acting in due time. The material has been delivered to your battle barge before I got here, and all the special authorization been granted to your personal command codes. I do not need to remind you of the sacred duty represented by the possession of such power, under no circumstance must you use those devices on a habitable world, they were specifically designed and engineered to destroy airless world such as Valde Senior Iocus, your battlebarge has been fitted with three times the usual amount, pray to the Emperor that we need not use them."

[Mayabird]

The good: well, now it's actually turning into a story.

The bad: oh my goodness please break those walls of text down into neater paragraphs. For starters: every time someone else talks, make it a new line.

We have an edit function for a reason.

[khursed]

better?

The first part was just a quick synopsis to get the attention of the people, like an incomplete report that lands on the desk of some person, and they wonder "what the heck is this about".

So the rest of the story will be more fleshed out, and with some character who actually do stuff.

This is my very first fan-fic, so hope to get many comments.

[evilsoup]

It might be worth your while to rewrite the first post as an in-universe letter, maybe to the Inquisitor from a subordinate? That way it would fit into the narrative without being a pure info-dump.

As for the actual story - well, I've certainly seen worse, and it's not bad for a first attempt. Again, it's a little too info-dump-ish: it's good for you, the author, to know the fine details of the Regal Eagle's background; but do the readers really need to know that they come from such-and-such a world in a system of five worlds? Also: I don't know if quite I buy the characterisation of the Inquisitor - they are supposed to be highly intelligent people, I don't think that he'd idly threaten a Chapter Master (who is his equal in rank, a fellow peer of the Imperium), or be needlessly disrespectful to a Chief Librarian.

That said, overall this looks promising, and I think you should stick with it.

[khursed]

More,

The deck of the battle barge Rutilus Aquila was filled with busy people as they were making sure everything would be ready for the arrival of Chapter Master Vargeus Sacrilegus who was due to arrive in the next hour. Admiral Carlin Sintori was perched on his command chair overseeing the chaos with a weary eye. He felt it was a waste of force to send such a mighty formation for what amounted to a simple exploration mission.

Admiral Sintori was a decorated veteran of Garl VIII having won numerous medals and accolade for his courageous handling of his strike cruiser Fire of the Emperor. Garl VIII had been a peaceful agri world that had been over run by a massive orc infestation that had required more and more force to deal with. What had been a skirmish had quickly developed into a full scale planetary war. Admiral Sintori, who was a simple commander back then, had managed to blow out of the sky five orc vessel that had made a suicide run at the battleship Speciosus Somnium and thus made it possible for the remainding orc force to organize an orbital bombardment on the 34th, 47th and 87th imperial guard regiment who were at a breaking point. After destroying the suicidal vessel, Speciosus Sommiun had been able to direct a heavy broadside toward the orc bombardment vessel that had left them ruined husk floating like dead fish in a pond.

A deck hand came to the admiral "Admiral Sintori, chapter master Sacrilegus has arrived with his retinue of Aquila Tutor, he is waiting for you in the tactical lounge." The admiral dismissed the deck hand and made his way toward the tactical lounge.

As he walked down the corridor, he couldn't help but be impressed with the alacrity his crew worked, they had managed to do a full turn around in less then a week. The admiral was an old human from Terra, in itself a badge of honor for those who had only heard of the holy planet in books of pict. He was in his early seventies, yet none would dare say he looked older then his forties. He had risen through the ranks thanks to his astounding grasp of strategy and uncanny intuition when it came to calculating the odds of any engagement. Every day he took the time to press his own uniform, and took special pride in keeping it spotless. He was known for his great ego, he was also loved for his fairness and honor.

The Rutilus Aquila was an ancient vessel, having been laid down on the spatial dockyard of Tarn II more then fourteen centuries ago. It was a good design, and Admiral Sintori kept her in splendid shape, he wasn't prone to excess of violence, however all who served him knew of his attention to details and his unflinching devotion to appearance. Few thing would upset the admiral who could remain cold as ice during the fiercest battle, you just didn't want to let him down when it was so easy to please him. It wasn't so much that he would order vicious reprisal, or horrible punishment, he just had a way of making you feel as if you had let him down personally and he had a way of making that be the worst thing you could ever feel.

He was pleased to see his crew already seeing to the need and comfort of his esteemed guess when he entered the tactical lounge. Situated in an armored section of the ship, it was able to direct and command a whole fleet even if the bridge was disabled. The admiral had taken care to build this as a fail-safe after seeing a previous flagship disabled after a lucky hit against its bridge. He felt it was a clear weakness of the imperial vessel to have overly exposed bridge when it was so easy to establish command center in reinforced and better protected position.

The chapter master couldn't agree more with the admiral, whom he viewed as a peer, they had only worked together a few times, nevertheless they had quickly come to a silent approval of each other.

"Greeting master Sacrilegus, you do me honor to place your flag on my ship, as ever I am at your command."

Protocol had it that an admiral would still be in command of his own vessel even with a chapter master on board, Admiral Sintori was of the old school of thought that held that the superhuman astarte were better at taking command.

"thank you Admiral Sintori, you give me great honor to so put yourself at my disposal, please join me as I review the tactical situation and preparedness of the fleet."

The tactical lounge was a very austere chamber, with adamantite armor plate covering every wall, deck and ceiling, explosion proof blast door at only two entry spot, and internal emergency system built into it. The ship could lose power, and pressurization and the tactical lounge would still be able to function as a command center. The only ornate item in the whole lounge was the central display control table, which was twenty feet in diameter, with multiple 3-d display and 2-d charts. At a glance whoever was in command could control any of the ship of the fleet down to the last man fighting for him. Multiple station for communication and auspex were built all around the lounge, with a dedicated servitor staff.

Looking around Vargeus saw a new improvement.

"My friend it seems you have yet again surprised me."

The admiral smiled warmly, and used his own security key to log in the control table. Activating a few subroutines, he activated the new system he had just added to the display. All the Regal Eagle's company appeared with their name, rank and health on the 3-d screen.

"This is beautiful Admiral, a lot better then just seeing those blue little icons that didn't tell me who it was."

The admiral continued to smile, and activated another set of control, the 3-d display now showed something more.

"Now this is the real goal I was striving for, ammo level for each of our troops, that way we can better allocate supplies and direct them toward the most needed position."

"Excellent work my friend." Master Vargeus played with the control, his intuition enabling him to discern every new options of this new interface as if he had designed it himself. The admiral was impressed as always at how quickly the astarte would grasp such complicated technology as an afterthought.

"Now on to less pleasant business, we will receive a guess very shortly, that under no circumstance must be intruded upon, on pain of death, he shall have access to all the date we receive here through a portable coded transmitter. All you need to know is that he will be accompanied by a detachment of my Aquila Vallo at all times. You can verify my authority on this by entering a request with the omega code per suus numen."

The admiral nodded, knowing before he even made the verification that everything would check out. He wasn't the sort of man who even though he fully trusted the chapter master, wouldn't check everything out. Discipline and honor demanded nothing less of him.

A few instance later, chief librarian Ernesti Crolis joined them, along with the ten company captain of the Regal Eagle. The planning then began in full for their mission to Valde Senior Iocus.

[khursed]

It might be worth your while to rewrite the first post as an in-universe letter, maybe to the Inquisitor from a subordinate? That way it would fit into the narrative without being a pure info-dump.

As for the actual story - well, I've certainly seen worse, and it's not bad for a first attempt. Again, it's a little too info-dump-ish: it's good for you, the author, to know the fine details of the Regal Eagle's background; but do the readers really need to know that they come from such-and-such a world in a system of five worlds? Also: I don't know if quite I buy the characterisation of the Inquisitor - they are supposed to be highly intelligent people, I don't think that he'd idly threaten a Chapter Master (who is his equal in rank, a fellow peer of the Imperium), or be needlessly disrespectful to a Chief Librarian.

That said, overall this looks promising, and I think you should stick with it.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, I agree with the idea about the first one.

As for the inquisitor, I wanted to convey that he is has a huge ego, and enters the room thinking he is their equal, hence his behavior, because lets face it, it can't be easy to go into any room with a dude who's close to 8 feet tall and can liquify your body with a flick of his fingers. Yet he isn't too full of himself that he can't realize when he's overdone it. The chapter master is very pious and humble, and doesn't react at all, where Ernesti is more of a "don't fuck with me mortal" kinda guy, so he immediately reminds the inquisitor to thread lightly.

Please keep the comment coming

[Mayabird]

Getting better and thank you muchly for editing.
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