SHROOMAGEDDON???

Part One


Over the South China Sea

“Whores!” said Lt. Chon Lii of the Philippines Air Force. He maneuvered his OV-10 Bronco into formation. Since they had received THE MESSAGE there had been panic in the streets. Duck egg fetuses not being devoured. People nailing themselves to crosses. The wives of El Presidentes buying lots of shoes. Even the shitty, wailing pop music that the PI produced had stopped. “Alright, I have him in sight.”

The Bronco accelerated to 150mph, and with the enemy messenger coming into view. “Fox 10!” shouted Lt. Lii. The estes rocket fired off and impacted the target. There was some scoring, but nothing more.

“Whores!” Lii shouted again as the target opened fire, tearing his plane to shreds. He pried open the cockpit canopy and and jumped out, rolling into the ocean. He was later picked up by a shrimp-farmer boat.


THE WAR ROOM, DC

“Mister President, we’re ready for the presentation.”

President Ryan nodded, and the powerpoint slides began flashing by.

“The objects that we have been tracking entered the solar system less than 3 days ago, and will be in orbit in less than a week. Already the ‘messengers’ are flying around our atmosphere. They are demanding that we speak to them as equal members of the interstellar community.”

Ryan nodded. “Obviously atheists communists who need a good amount of Christianization. Diplomacy cannot be used. They are being overly aggressive. Admiral Token?”

Admiral Token stood. Token was one of President Ryans many black friends.

“I’ve spoken with our allies in NATO. The leader of the EU, Derfina, is saying that now is the time to grovel and really lick boot. All the other Europeans are saying the same, except for the French leader and belched and drank more wine whilst frothing at the mouth, and Chancellor Thänsger who says that this would never have happened if the Hohenzollerns still ran his county. General Communist Secretary Bush of Russia says that he will obliterate ‘all enemies of the proletariat’, and then he glared at the ambassador for 20 minutes in silence.”

“Very well.” Said Ryan. “We obviously must use as many throbbing missiles as needed to shoot down the creatures. Dismissed!”

The crowd departed. Admiral Token played the message one more time…

“Greetings Hew-mons. We represent the mighty Imperator Byzon of the Bragulan Empire. We come to you as equals in the intersteller community…”

The image was worse. They were bears.

Fucking bears.

yes! MORE!

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shroom is a lovely boy and i wont hear a bad word against him - LUSY-CHAN!
Shit! Man, I didn't think of that! It took Shroom to properly interpret the screams of dying people - PeZook
Shroom, I read out the stuff you write about us. You are an endless supply of morale down here. :p - an OWS street medic
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!

[laughs madly]

Why is this in Testing and not User Fiction??

FOOLISH HUMAN SHITS!

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"The 4th Earl of Hereford led the fight on the bridge, but he and his men were caught in the arrow fire. Then one of de Harclay's pikemen, concealed beneath the bridge, thrust upwards between the planks and skewered the Earl of Hereford through the anus, twisting the head of the iron pike into his intestines. His dying screams turned the advance into a panic."'

SDNW4: The Sultanate of Klavostan

The Bragulans responded with a deafening transmission. Their aggressive-aggressive communications arrays were designed to broadcast messages very loudly, to the point of overwhelming unprepared recipient systems with the audiovisual feedback. In the bridge of the MEH command ship, a very large, very loud and very angry-looking hologram of a Bragulan was now snarling at the crew’s faces. “FOOLISH HUMAN SHITS!”

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shroom is a lovely boy and i wont hear a bad word against him - LUSY-CHAN!
Shit! Man, I didn't think of that! It took Shroom to properly interpret the screams of dying people - PeZook
Shroom, I read out the stuff you write about us. You are an endless supply of morale down here. :p - an OWS street medic
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!

Because no one reads my shit when I post in user fiction

by the way I'm gonna tell the FBI to get you for plagiarizing. you must've stolen our draft of Murca!

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shroom is a lovely boy and i wont hear a bad word against him - LUSY-CHAN!
Shit! Man, I didn't think of that! It took Shroom to properly interpret the screams of dying people - PeZook
Shroom, I read out the stuff you write about us. You are an endless supply of morale down here. :p - an OWS street medic
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!

and two-rented it! prepare to get your ass extradited, meester!

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shroom is a lovely boy and i wont hear a bad word against him - LUSY-CHAN!
Shit! Man, I didn't think of that! It took Shroom to properly interpret the screams of dying people - PeZook
Shroom, I read out the stuff you write about us. You are an endless supply of morale down here. :p - an OWS street medic
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!

FBI WARNING.


QUICK BEFORE SOME UKRAININIAN TORRENTS THIS STUFF.

OR OTHERWISE YOU WILL LOSE A HALF A MILLION ADVANCE WHICH IS TOTALLY GUARANTEED BY SOME REPUTABLE PUBLISHER.

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Whoever says "education does not matter" can try ignorance
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"You know, you insist government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we can have sex with, or a woman's right to choose, but don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom!"
- Sam Seaborn
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Et si omnes ego non

Part Two



CONGRESS

“And so you see,” said President Ryan “That’s why trickle down economics is the most effective way to increase the standard of leaving for main street. In fact, since we’re going to be fighting a war with terrible atheist bear communists we will need to cut taxes so we can fund it.”

“Hold on,” said Senator Gay One from Massachusetts “That doesn’t make sense. Isn’t everyone going to be on rationing anyway?”

“Senator Gay One from Massachusetts,” President Ryan said sternly. “Why do you hate our job creators? And more importantly our country?”

“Sorry.” He hung his head in shame. Tears dribbled down. “I am so ashamed. Your logic is flawless. It’s a good thing the Japanese Banzai took out congress and got rid of all the liberal retards.”



EUROPE CITY, EUROPE

“And so you see,” EU President Derpafina said “If we just get down and really lick boot we can work out our differences.”

“European President I must protest!”

There were some mutterings in the hall, and Chancellor of Germania walked forward in full regalia.



Chancellor Thänsger began again. “What is needed now is not being a fucking pussy, its spectacular moustaches and helmets. Who is with me?”

There was silence. The French President took a drag of a unfiltered cigarette and said “Oui Oui, but we can only use our superior Gallic pencil moustaches, not your barbaric Germanish ones.”

The chamber erupted in violence.


Omsk, Crimson Star Republic

“Ha! So, you will work with us? Crush the other hewmon shits?”

General Commie Secretary Stas Bush pounded down his pint of vodka, then poured another.

“Da, Da you will have our cooperation…Commissar Yaogui.”

Yaogui smiled.

I for one wecome our new PigBear overlords. Why is the human ambassador cosplying as a Earth cult human from Legend of the Galactic Heroes, though? Or maybe one of those Manhunters from the old Sierra Game series.

Oh my god...and I thought MURCA was the limits of insanity.

I DEMAND MORE!

At least it's better than fucking PONIES....

---

You are standing on a 4.5 billion year old complex, self-sustaining organic spacship, which is orbiting a power source a million times larger than your ship. There are 200 billion other power sources, many of them with ships like yours, in your fleet. There are 40 other fleets in the immediate neighbourhood and your entire neighbourhood is moving at two million miles per hour towards an object 150 million light years away. Welcome to life, it's a lot more exciting when you think on larger scales.

Goddamnit... Transfer this to User Fiction immediately. This is to good to get autopruned. It must be saved for the Glory of our Bragulian Overlords.

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Goddammit, now I'm forced to say in public that I agree with Mr. Coffee. - Mike Wong
I never would have thought I would wholeheartedly agree with Coffee... - fgalkin
GALE ForceFlooring: For a good lay, call...

Yeah but then we'll have to be on topic.

It's a Loinstar production of SHROOMISTANI film, Connor. It's expected to wander around aimlessly pissing awesome on everything like it was the literary incarnation of Spuds McKenzie.

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Goddammit, now I'm forced to say in public that I agree with Mr. Coffee. - Mike Wong
I never would have thought I would wholeheartedly agree with Coffee... - fgalkin
GALE ForceFlooring: For a good lay, call...

If you make the thread topic insanity, then we'll never be off-topic!

---

You are standing on a 4.5 billion year old complex, self-sustaining organic spacship, which is orbiting a power source a million times larger than your ship. There are 200 billion other power sources, many of them with ships like yours, in your fleet. There are 40 other fleets in the immediate neighbourhood and your entire neighbourhood is moving at two million miles per hour towards an object 150 million light years away. Welcome to life, it's a lot more exciting when you think on larger scales.

Excellent.

[continues to laugh maniacally]

Part Three

The War Room

“The Crimson Communists are marching West.” Said Admiral Token. “It appears that the Communist General Secretary has thrown in with the Bear-atheists.”


“Dispicable.” Ryan shook his head. “And the Europussies are pussying out?”

“Yes sir, except for the 139th MoustacheGrenadier Division led by the German Chancellor himself. Their spectacular facial hair is holding the line well.”

“Is there anyone else on our side?”

“Thailand and Singapore.”

There were sighs of relief. Everyone knew that Thailand was a world power second only to America. They even had surprisingly powerful female general officers despite the fact that Thailand was a third world misogynistic shithole with a higher per capita amount of prostitutes than the Philippines.

“Well okay. I think we know what we need to do. Institute another round of tax cuts.”


Imperator Byzon-AA

“Well Agent Yaogui?”

Admiral Hephart slammed his paw on the side of the CRT. The image cleared up.

“The puny Hew-mon shits are attacking each other like bull-rats in a cage.” Said Yaogui. “The only real threat to us will be Thailand and the puny Nation knows as America. They are led by a might warlord known as Jaqe Ryan. They have defeated all the enemies with ease through vigorous use of tax-cutting measures.”

“Good, good. Once the fleet arrives in orbit we shall begin the bombardment.”

You are extremely lucky we’re not on base right now, or I would have had you relieved of your post and sent to headquarters for reassignment

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shroom is a lovely boy and i wont hear a bad word against him - LUSY-CHAN!
Shit! Man, I didn't think of that! It took Shroom to properly interpret the screams of dying people - PeZook
Shroom, I read out the stuff you write about us. You are an endless supply of morale down here. :p - an OWS street medic
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!

I suppose I can move this to User Fiction....

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”A Radical is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air.” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism." - Sir Winston L. S. Churchill, Princips Britannia

American Conservatism is about the exercise of personal responsibility without state interference in the lives of the citizenry..... unless, of course, it involves using the bludgeon of state power to suppress things Conservatives do not like.

Moderator of SDN, Former Spacebattles Super-Mod, Veteran Chatnik

Do it.

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Goddammit, now I'm forced to say in public that I agree with Mr. Coffee. - Mike Wong
I never would have thought I would wholeheartedly agree with Coffee... - fgalkin
GALE ForceFlooring: For a good lay, call...

Do it, move it to User Fiction, and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete....

---

You are standing on a 4.5 billion year old complex, self-sustaining organic spacship, which is orbiting a power source a million times larger than your ship. There are 200 billion other power sources, many of them with ships like yours, in your fleet. There are 40 other fleets in the immediate neighbourhood and your entire neighbourhood is moving at two million miles per hour towards an object 150 million light years away. Welcome to life, it's a lot more exciting when you think on larger scales.

Oh what the hell. Would you move it to User Fiction for me? On account we've been longtime buddies on here and on SB before that and all that other "Old boys club network" crap? Plus I'm still like technically a Senator and shit, and I think that gives me standing.

And there was tha twhole Babtech thing, my hand in the downfall of the Rabid Fivers, etc...

I can try to come up with more excuses if you like.