You Have the Codes(RAR!)

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U.P. Cinnabar
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You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-13 03:26pm

One fine morning, you wake up next to the "football," containing all the codes for the American nuclear arsenal. For purposes of this RAR! these codes cannot be changed.

What do you do?
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Tribble » 2018-03-13 03:33pm

Does this mean I am the only one who can it? That I have the only one, but usual rules over use apply? Or do I have just a copy while the us government still has the regular one? Is it traceable?
Last edited by Tribble on 2018-03-13 03:39pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Esquire » 2018-03-13 03:34pm

Give it back? Ideally to the FBI or somebody on condition of anonymity and immunity, I don't want to spend forever answering questions about how I got it in the first place.
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-13 03:38pm

@Esquire: It's yours to do with as you please.

You can always tell them you switched cases with Trump the last time you were at Mar-a-Lago. Not that it will fly, but... :P
Last edited by U.P. Cinnabar on 2018-03-13 03:40pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-13 03:39pm

Tribble wrote:
2018-03-13 03:33pm
Does this mean I am the only one who can use the codes? That I have the only copy of the codes, but usual rules over use apply? Or do I have just one copy of the codes, while the us government still has their copies?

If it's the ladder I'll just shred my copy and forget I ever had them.
You have the only copies, and sole authority to use them. If any biometrics are involved, then whatever agency provided you with th3 football has seen to that as well.
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Eternal_Freedom » 2018-03-13 03:53pm

Hmmm...if it was the codes to everyone's missiles, I'd be tempted to fire them up into space and away from Earth, or use them to hold the various asshole world leaders to ransom and force disarmament of all the other nukes.

Since only the Yank's stockpile, I dunno. Probably keep quiet about it. Tempted to say contact the White House, tell them I have them and demand a big fat salary for not telling anyone, but I doubt that would work with President Cuckoo Bananas in charge.
"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams" - Hamlet

“I’ve always thought the Yankees had something to do with it.” - Confederate General George Pickett, on being asked why his charge at Ghettysburg failed

Corrax Entry 7:17: So you walk eternally through the shadow realms, standing against evil where all others falter. May your thirst for retribution never quench, may the blood on your sword never dry, and may we never need you again.

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Tribble » 2018-03-13 04:01pm

U.P. Cinnabar wrote:
2018-03-13 03:39pm
Tribble wrote:
2018-03-13 03:33pm
Does this mean I am the only one who can use the codes? That I have the only copy of the codes, but usual rules over use apply? Or do I have just one copy of the codes, while the us government still has their copies?

If it's the ladder I'll just shred my copy and forget I ever had them.
You have the only copies, and sole authority to use them. If any biometrics are involved, then whatever agency provided you with th3 football has seen to that as well.
Fine. After telling Russia, China etc what to expect, I use all the nukes to wipe out the US and its western allies - both their militaries and their civilian populations. Now no one can blame everything on them since they won't be around anymore! Everywhere else will quickly become a paradise! Problem solved! :P
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-13 04:10pm

That's one solution. :)
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-13 04:12pm

Eternal_Freedom wrote:
2018-03-13 03:53pm
Hmmm...if it was the codes to everyone's missiles, I'd be tempted to fire them up into space and away from Earth, or use them to hold the various asshole world leaders to ransom and force disarmament of all the other nukes.

Since only the Yank's stockpile, I dunno. Probably keep quiet about it. Tempted to say contact the White House, tell them I have them and demand a big fat salary for not telling anyone, but I doubt that would work with President Cuckoo Bananas in charge.
He'd likely dismiss it as fake news. But I like where you're going with this,
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Crazedwraith » 2018-03-13 05:17pm

Okay what happens when I die? Do the codes revert to their rightful owner?

Letting anyone know I have them is a fully paid trip to Guantanamo Bay or the morgue.
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Tribble » 2018-03-13 05:33pm

Crazedwraith wrote:
2018-03-13 05:17pm
Okay what happens when I die? Do the codes revert to their rightful owner?

Letting anyone know I have them is a fully paid trip to Guantanamo Bay or the morgue.
Could you rig up a dead man's switch?
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Eternal_Freedom » 2018-03-13 06:00pm

I don't see why not.

As for getting Trump to believe me, well I can always fire a warning shot...just off that Mars el Largo place he's so bloody fond of. Or Pittsburgh, because why not.

Actually I probably wouldn't even need to launch to get them to believe it. Just send launch orders, then withdraw them shortly afterwards. The Pentagon will pitch a fit even President Orangutan will listen.
"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams" - Hamlet

“I’ve always thought the Yankees had something to do with it.” - Confederate General George Pickett, on being asked why his charge at Ghettysburg failed

Corrax Entry 7:17: So you walk eternally through the shadow realms, standing against evil where all others falter. May your thirst for retribution never quench, may the blood on your sword never dry, and may we never need you again.

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by The Romulan Republic » 2018-03-13 06:10pm

Stay very, very quiet. Maybe chuck them into the bottom of the ocean or something.

At any other time, I'd be tempted to give them back, even if I'd probably end up in prison. That's not a responsibility I want to have.

But if I was blessed with the power to keep the nuclear launch codes out of Trump's tiny hands, I don't think I could live with myself if I gave them back to him.
"Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that "all men are created equal." We now practically read it "all men are created equal, except negroes" When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read "all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and Catholics." When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty -- to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocracy." - Lincoln.

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by aerius » 2018-03-13 06:24pm

I'm nuking DC and Florida.
You may call it "draining the swamp".
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Simon_Jester » 2018-03-13 07:06pm

I have been handed a large red button that says "DO NOT PUSH OR ELSE."

I do not push the large red button.
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Eternal_Freedom » 2018-03-13 07:12pm

Simon_Jester wrote:
2018-03-13 07:06pm
I have been handed a large red button that says "DO NOT PUSH OR ELSE."

I do not push the large red button.
i am suddenly reminded of the SCRAMMing Up! thread :D
"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams" - Hamlet

“I’ve always thought the Yankees had something to do with it.” - Confederate General George Pickett, on being asked why his charge at Ghettysburg failed

Corrax Entry 7:17: So you walk eternally through the shadow realms, standing against evil where all others falter. May your thirst for retribution never quench, may the blood on your sword never dry, and may we never need you again.

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Zor » 2018-03-13 07:14pm

I take a hammer to it, smash it up, throw the remains in the recycling and never speak a word of it. I don't want a button which means the owner can blow up civilization.

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by SpottedKitty » 2018-03-14 02:46am

U.P. Cinnabar wrote:
2018-03-13 03:38pm
You can always tell them you switched cases with Trump the last time you were at Mar-a-Lago. Not that it will fly, but... :P
I thought this thread was supposed to be speculative fiction — that belongs in the "becroggling but genuinely plausible" category. :angelic:
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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-14 01:52pm

Crazedwraith wrote:
2018-03-13 05:17pm
Okay what happens when I die? Do the codes revert to their rightful owner?

Letting anyone know I have them is a fully paid trip to Guantanamo Bay or the morgue.
Yes. They'd go back to POTUS. Until the next RAR!
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-14 01:54pm

Tribble wrote:
2018-03-13 05:33pm
Crazedwraith wrote:
2018-03-13 05:17pm
Okay what happens when I die? Do the codes revert to their rightful owner?

Letting anyone know I have them is a fully paid trip to Guantanamo Bay or the morgue.
Could you rig up a dead man's switch?
It would take some doing, from someone who knew he was doing, but, yeah.
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-14 01:56pm

Eternal_Freedom wrote:
2018-03-13 06:00pm
I don't see why not.

As for getting Trump to believe me, well I can always fire a warning shot...just off that Mars el Largo place he's so bloody fond of. Or Pittsburgh, because why not.

Actually I probably wouldn't even need to launch to get them to believe it. Just send launch orders, then withdraw them shortly afterwards. The Pentagon will pitch a fit even President Orangutan will listen.
You would ultimately have to provide a demonstration of intent if you threaten to launch. That's the trouble with big sticks.
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-14 01:59pm

SpottedKitty wrote:
2018-03-14 02:46am
U.P. Cinnabar wrote:
2018-03-13 03:38pm
You can always tell them you switched cases with Trump the last time you were at Mar-a-Lago. Not that it will fly, but... :P
I thought this thread was supposed to be speculative fiction — that belongs in the "becroggling but genuinely plausible" category. :angelic:
IIRC, Trump did leave the football unattended during one of his vacations to Mar-a-Lago.
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by U.P. Cinnabar » 2018-03-14 02:04pm

The Romulan Republic wrote:
2018-03-13 06:10pm
Stay very, very quiet. Maybe chuck them into the bottom of the ocean or something.

At any other time, I'd be tempted to give them back, even if I'd probably end up in prison. That's not a responsibility I want to have.

But if I was blessed with the power to keep the nuclear launch codes out of Trump's tiny hands, I don't think I could live with myself if I gave them back to him.
Not just Trump, but also Pence(who's threatening Savannah with a visit to the Saint Paddy's parade), Ryan, Pompeo, Sessions...

But, this is what part of me wants to do with the codes. Another...well, there's this dimly remembered short story by Charles Stross, I think, where the Supreme Autocrat of the Associated Nations uses thermonuclear terrorism to enforce global unity.
"Beware the Beast, Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone amongst God's primates, he kills for sport, for lust, for greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of Death.."
—29th Scroll, 6th Verse of Ape Law

"The Constitution's a piece of paper. A kick in the head is a jolt."
—Stanley "Ray" Kowalski
"Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty."
---NRA motto

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Simon_Jester » 2018-03-14 02:07pm

Eternal_Freedom wrote:
2018-03-13 07:12pm
Simon_Jester wrote:
2018-03-13 07:06pm
I have been handed a large red button that says "DO NOT PUSH OR ELSE."

I do not push the large red button.
i am suddenly reminded of the SCRAMMing Up! thread :D
I am still, in my heart of hearts, MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST.
This space dedicated to Vasily Arkhipov

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Re: You Have the Codes(RAR!)

Post by Eternal_Freedom » 2018-03-14 02:51pm

Simon_Jester wrote:
2018-03-14 02:07pm
Eternal_Freedom wrote:
2018-03-13 07:12pm
Simon_Jester wrote:
2018-03-13 07:06pm
I have been handed a large red button that says "DO NOT PUSH OR ELSE."

I do not push the large red button.
i am suddenly reminded of the SCRAMMing Up! thread :D
I am still, in my heart of hearts, MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST.
KAMIKAZE SPACE PILOT approves. Now he RETURNS to PLOTTING to OVERTHROW ALL NATIONS. Because why the fuck not?
"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams" - Hamlet

“I’ve always thought the Yankees had something to do with it.” - Confederate General George Pickett, on being asked why his charge at Ghettysburg failed

Corrax Entry 7:17: So you walk eternally through the shadow realms, standing against evil where all others falter. May your thirst for retribution never quench, may the blood on your sword never dry, and may we never need you again.

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