StarDestroyer.Net BBS

NEW CO-WORKER: Hi, excuse me, Sir- Could you possibly help me to [get ridiculous object off very high shelf]

MY DUMB ASS: DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO!?

NEW CO-WORKER: OhmigawdI'mso-

MY DUMB ASS: Dude. I am totally fucking with you. Where's your flat?

LadyTevar wrote: ↑2019-09-12 11:04pmThere is one truth in Southern West Virginia -- GPS DOES NOT WORK.

Really? That's the only thing? The utterly unrepentant piece of MAGA shit I work with is an exception there?

And unless I am unclear on this, I fully do believe that any blue collar Trumpie is A FUCKING RETARD. Proceed to go up on that if you want.

Lunch - there were Burgers that had the Cafeteria Logo burned into them...

Coworker (miffed): Don't you like it when they brand their logo into the food? Territorial, aren't they?
Yours truly: Just be glad they didn't pee on it to mark their territory... You know, there are places...

*round of silent nods around the table, eating commences*

Raw Shark wrote: ↑2019-09-17 02:25pm

LadyTevar wrote: ↑2019-09-12 11:04pmThere is one truth in Southern West Virginia -- GPS DOES NOT WORK.

Really? That's the only thing? The utterly unrepentant piece of MAGA shit I work with is an exception there?

I said ONE TRUTH. MAGA is a big fat lie

At work I'm a Quality Coordinator and last night I had to inspect every tote that had been re-worked. A co-worker who was the head of the group reworking the totes, came up to me with one of them.

Co-worker: "Is this okay? The customer wrote something on the bottom of the insert."

Me: "Let me see." I take a look inside. "No goog? Let me turn this around........ boob on?"

Both of us chuckle and I told her it was fine to use.

Enigma wrote: ↑2019-09-19 08:32amMe: "Let me see." I take a look inside. "No goog? Let me turn this around........ boob on?"

Both of us chuckle and I told her it was fine to use.

HR will need to speak with you tomorrow.

Had to special order a customer a copy of Mein Kampf at work today (for those who don't know, I work in a bookstore). They swore it was for academic purposes (university class, I gathered). Honestly I think they were more embarrassed to be buying it than I was to be selling it.

Still, there's something slightly spooky about writing "Hitler, Adolph" under author's name on an order card. There was this weird feeling of mixing something so ordinary, and something so sinister. I felt kind of like a Potter Wizarding saying "Voldemort" instead of You Know Who.

Raw Shark wrote: ↑2019-09-19 04:13pm

Enigma wrote: ↑2019-09-19 08:32amMe: "Let me see." I take a look inside. "No goog? Let me turn this around........ boob on?"

Both of us chuckle and I told her it was fine to use.

HR will need to speak with you tomorrow.

HR will do squat as it was the customer that wrote it not us. Not my problem that the customer can't spell.

Co-worker 1: All you white people look the same to me

Co-worker 2: You're a white person... and he's Mexican.

MEXICAN-AMERICAN CO-WORKER: Mateo Dos es muy fuerte...

PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Si, y muy facil, y-

ME: Hablo Español, senoritas. [wink]

CO-WORKER #1: Oh yeah!? [takes a drunken swing]

CO-WORKER #2: Yeah! [drops into a kickboxing stance and shifts weight to throw a high kick]

ME: [barges in] HAUL THIS BUS TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! WE NEED YOU THIS MORNING AND IF YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER I WILL LITERALLY RAPE YOUR UNCONSCIOUS BODIES!

~~~~

When I have to be the adult in the room, shit's gone sideways.

[time passes]

BOSS: ...Shark. You know, I like where your head's at, but I need you to take it down maybe half a notch.

ME: Yes, ma'am. One half of a notch, ma'am.

Shark - the shift supervisor version of the hound...

Its worrying when my coworkers are taking the time to tell me to stop working so much, they're concerned that I'm going to collapse because I keep on saying yes to overtime and extra shifts.

Fellow Supervisor: You need to stop doing this. You're going to be so tired that you're going to crash driving home.

Me: I only live five minutes away.

Fellow Supervisor: Doesn't matter. You're going to collapse and die if you're not careful. You need to start saying no when (boss) asks you to come in.

Me: I need the money.

Fellow Supervisor: Fax, you need to take time off when you're supposed to take time off. I know (the boss) relies on you when there's holes to fill, but you need to relax.

Subordinate : You can't spend the money when your dead.

Me: I promise, if I'm close to dying, I'll take some days off.

Fellow Supervisor: You do know they'll find someone to fill in when you die, right?

Me: Nah, they'll just sell me to the local glue factory for missed profits.

Yep. Need a new job: They are moving us to day shift and removing the shift differential to do it so I will lose pay to do the same job I'm doing now, only since it will be the day shift then customers will be everywhere and have to deal with the idiots in management.

MASSHOLE ACCENT THEATER:

CO-WORKER #1: Lookit me, I gotta 10' [box shipped by the company called something that sounds like] Boner!

CO-WORKER #2: Don't fucking slap me with that 10' Boner!

ME: Jesus Fuckin' Christ, kid, you just hit my box with your Boner!

FEMALE CO-WORKER: My aunt is in HR but I don't hate you so I'm just turning up my music right now.

CO-WORKER #1: I can't control a Boner this big all the time!

CO-WORKER #2: If we knew you couldn't control a 10' Boner, you wouldn't have this job. How did you get out of the casting couch?

ME: They don't call it Boner because it's easy. They call it Boner because it's hard.

Co-worker 1: How do you spell "exed"?

Co-worker 2: "Eksed"?

Co-worker 1: Yeah. Like, "I "X"'d something out"

Co-worker 2: ...

Co-worker 1: I'll just say "marked"

RAW SHARK DOES AN ACTIVE SHOOTER SEMINAR:

HR: Okay, today we're doing an active shooter drill, because of what happened at Wal-Mart.

ME: Are you sure that this is more necessary than me doing my actual job?

HR: Absolutely. So in the event of an active shooter, what could you find that could help you to stop-

ME: [deploys box cutter] Okay, team. This here is your Stanley Knife. It's good for a lot of things, but going deep is not one of them, so the first thing you've got to consider is surface area. I know going for the gun arm will occur to you first, but forget that until you take out the eyes. Then when you have the arm locked up, you gotta go down the river, not across the street, and-

HR: Shark. Stop helping.

When the going gets crazy, the crazy get going.

Shark, for some reason I was expecting the HR person's last line to be more like:

HR: Shark. Stop. Helping.

*looks around, whistling innocently*

RAW SHARK PULLS OVER TO ANSWER A TEXT MESSAGE DURING RUSH HOUR:

RANDOM DUDE IN A SUIT: Are you my Uber? I'm [first name].

YOUR DRIVER: Don't call me that. I drove a real cab, not a clown car.

RANDOM DUDE IN A SUIT: Look, my Uber is late and I've got half an hour to get to Logan. I'll give you a hundred bucks, cash.

YOUR DRIVER: Mister, you have bought a ride with the devil.

NEW CLIENT: I need you here in about 90 seconds.

ME: It's gonna take me 300.

NEW CLIENT: Make it happen. I'll pay what you're worth.

ME: Mister, you have bought a ride with the devil.

ME: ARE THERE GUNS OUT?

NEW CLIENT: Yeah.

ME: On my way.

Let nobody say that I don't earn my pay.

I've gotten to know the homeless at my job. Since I'm security, I HAVE to get them to leave. More often than not, it's just a polite conversation. You get really good at listening to their personal histories, when more often than not, I get lost in what they're talking about.

For instance, a guy that frequents the place on a usual basis was spotted by my guard on camera a couple weeks ago, and I investigated. The guy I talked to was just trying to get out of the cold and the rain. We talked, and he appreciated me listening to him. He was wrapped up in conspiracy theories about tech companies and how the Dallas area was the hub for all sorts of Illuminati style BS. He has to be off the grid. I only understood about half of what he's talking about, either due to my ignorance about computer programming, or because he wasn't making a lot of sense, or both.

Life sucks for them, and I offer them the contact information for local charities, but there really isn't a lot I can do, as I think I'd be there with them if my life went slightly differently. I still feel like a heel for having to escort them off the property.