StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Soontir C'boath wrote:I think that's where you then go, "Oh right, well it's five dollars from each of you."

That's more-or-less what I said and what happened; I just felt compelled to warn you all that this level of stupid exists.

Kanastrous wrote:"Yeah, sorry to ruin it, but in all honesty, if we're talking in purely quantitative rather than qualitative terms, my butt definitely hurts more often than my penis feels good at work, literally and figuratively."

I think you may have landed on the ideal career-track-assessment metric, no matter -what- one wants to do with one's life...

Indeed! It'd just need four axes, like so:

B = Butt Feeling Quality

F = Frequency

L = Literalness

P = Penis Feeling Quality

Let's see, the outdoor Garden Center portion of the big box store is 1) without lights, 2) the outer/exit gate is padlocked, 3) the automatic doors don't automatically open, they have to be pushed, 4) there are no employees out there. While I think most of us would conclude it is closed for the night no less than 5 people last night decided nope, it's open, let's go shopping! In the dark, you know, when you can't see anything. And none had the excuse of being blind people who wouldn't notice the lack of lighting.



Fortunately, they were not accidentally locked in for the night, although those doors should not only have been turned off but locked. Which they were, after we shooed the people out of the darkened Garden Center. And hey, we sold some stuff, bonus!



Also last night, we had the Lady Who Can Not Put Down Her Smartphone. Of course, she also had the Rampant Wild Child who was scooting ahead not one but THREE customers, peering into shopping baskets and attempting to whip the bagging carousel around at high speed because, I guess, injuring the cashier and/or getting an adult male customer in the nuts is so goddamned amusing (seriously, who designed this thing so the bag hooks would be at Average Adult Male Crotch Height?). While failing to control her child AND continuing whatever conversation was so damned important she then proceeded to lecture me on how to bag groceries. You know what bitch? How about you put down the fucking phone, get control of your spawn, and TELL ME how you want your fucking purchases bagged BEFORE I get them all packed? Because, believe it or not, your behavior is NOT typical of the human race and no, most people do NOT share your bagging preferences. Oh, and by the way? If your soap, which is individual bars packed into tiny boxes wrapped in plastic which are then stacked into a unit of 8 and wrapped in MORE plastic sitting next to your individual cheese slices each wrapped in plastic then combined into units of 24 wrapped in MORE plastic will not give your food Soap Cooties nor will the food give your soap Food Cooties. Seriously. I completely understand the propensity of, say, ground meat packages to occasionally leak (which is why I wrap them in their own bag before putting them with anything else) and ditto the liquid soaps, but, honest to god, maybe if your spawn hadn't been attempting to use various bits of the checkout lane to maim people I could have paid more attention to not having one multiply wrapped solid bit sitting in a bag next to another multiply wrapped solid bit. Oh, and don't bitch at me for the random things your spawn apparently dropped onto the belt, it's not like I ran around the store to find things to random drop in your basket, look at the rampaging rug-rat for that one. How the fuck am I supposed to know what bits of stuff you don't want when you aren't even paying attention until the very last second?

Really, some days I want to just shout PUT DOWN THE FUCKING PHONE asshole. As well as CONTROL YOUR OFFSPRING and I AM NOT A FUCKING MIND READER, TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT IN WORDS.

"New script pages are in - now they're describing the building as 'hastily-built and emaciated-looking."

"Emaciated is not an architectural term. Someone track down the guy who wrote that and confiscate his thesaurus."

Kanastrous wrote:"New script pages are in - now they're describing the building as 'hastily-built and emaciated-looking."

"Emaciated is not an architectural term. Someone track down the guy who wrote that and confiscate his thesaurus."

I love this so much.

YOUR DRIVER: No, seriously, step out of the vehicle.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: Are you serious?

YOUR DRIVER: I'm as serious as cancer, chief. You disrespect my cab, you disrespect me.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: I'm not getting out until you drive me home!

YOUR DRIVER: Well, I'm not driving you home until you get out.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: Fine!

YOUR DRIVER: Fine.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: I'll get out, and then you drive me home!

YOUR DRIVER: Deal!

DRUNK ASSHOLE: [gets out]

YOUR DRIVER: [hits the gas]

I'm face-desking, right now...

This would be one of the best scenes in the movie.

Yeah, some of this really is gold.

Raw Shark wrote:YOUR DRIVER: No, seriously, step out of the vehicle.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: Are you serious?

YOUR DRIVER: I'm as serious as cancer, chief. You disrespect my cab, you disrespect me.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: I'm not getting out until you drive me home!

YOUR DRIVER: Well, I'm not driving you home until you get out.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: Fine!

YOUR DRIVER: Fine.

DRUNK ASSHOLE: I'll get out, and then you drive me home!

YOUR DRIVER: Deal!

DRUNK ASSHOLE: [gets out]

YOUR DRIVER: [hits the gas]

...I...I didn't know that actually happened in real life...

Alcohol can really bring out Teh Stoopid.

I haven't seen that scene exactly, but I have seen similar shit in real life. Pretty much most mind-altering drugs can have a similar effect.

Were you laughing/giggling uncontrollably, RS, or just saying/thinking "good bloody riddance"?

fnord wrote:Were you laughing/giggling uncontrollably, RS, or just saying/thinking "good bloody riddance"?

Both, internally. I took several years of acting classes at art school in my perpetual effort to optimize my dealings with neurotypicals and can deadpan snark like a motherfucker when necessary.

DERBY DAY, 2015:

YOUR DRIVER: Holy shit, man, you look like you were in a war.

NEWISH REGULAR: Yeah, it was kind of like that. I had to open and close. We just got licensed to do off-track betting. We're the only bar downtown that can do it legally now. The first girl to walk in after I unlocked the door threw up all over the bar, I ran my ass off all day, and then there was a fight and I got hit with a pint glass in the face.

YOUR DRIVER: Oh fuck. Are you okay?

NEWISH REGULAR: I will be, after about ten bong rips.

~~~~~~~~~~~

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: You like my hat?

YOUR DRIVER: That thing is gloriously tacky. You didn't actually wear that outfit on stage, did you?

MY FAVORITE STRIPPER: You bet your ass I did! Everybody loved it. [strip club] is a classy operation, you know!

~~~~~~~~~~~

AGING DERBY GIRL #1: We want to go to a bar!

AGING DERBY GIRL #2: A bar with guys!

AGING DERBY GIRL #1: Cute guys!

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, I'm going to need you to be a little more specific. Do you want beer? Cocktails? Live music?

AGING DERBY GIRL #1: I want to go to a bar where I can get hit on by guys in their 30s, and it's not full of douchebaggy kids.

AGING DERBY GIRL #2: No skinny little bitches! And I want music so I can dance, but no *untch, untch, untch* music, just regular music you can dance to, but not so loud that we can't talk!

AGING DERBY GIRL #1: Yeah, and no weird divorced guys in their 50s trying to fuck me, either. I want to meet a guy who is mid-30s, successful, and Jewish.

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, that's really, really specific. You should probably try meetup.com for that.

AGING DERBY GIRL #3: [quietly] I just want to meet a nice guy with a beard who'll impregnate me.

YOUR DRIVER: Right, we're going to [a hippie / jam band bar called] Quixote's!

AGING DERBY GIRL #3: [quietly] I just want to meet a nice guy with a beard who'll impregnate me.

And yet you found a specific bar for that. I swear, who needs a tour guide in Denver when they have you?

Borgholio wrote:And yet you found a specific bar for that. I swear, who needs a tour guide in Denver when they have you?

Yeah, that was an easy one; every hippie bar has a wide selection of nice guys with beards who never use condoms and think babies are a super-awesome affirmation of the circle of life or some shit. Sure, he might not believe in monogamy or deodorant, and may have a job title like, "Bud Trimmer," but she got what she asked for.

So yesterday we scouted one of our primary locations, three hours' drive from the office in the middle of forest. And it's just totally stunning: everybody loves it, the family owning the property is very cool, can't wait to see it on screen.

Of course there's some down side: thick with venomous snakes, constant hazard of falling rocks, crisscrossed with easily-touched high-voltage wires.

And one of our ADs is a little bit of a mother hen (which in an AD is a desirable quality, like herding instincts in a collie, or even a kindergarten teacher) and he's circulating alerting everyone to safety hazards, Watch out, stay fifteen feet from the cables, if you touch them you'll get shocked.

And one of our escorts laughs. You won't get shocked. You'll explode.

LONG-OVERDUE WAR STRATEGY CONFERENCE:

LOW-LEVEL MANAGER: So how else is Uber's app kicking ours' ass?

YOUR DRIVER: It's fucking fascinating. I can pull up in front of somebody and even honk my horn, and they just keep raptly staring into their phone. It's like there's hypnotic swirling colors or something, but it's really just a nice-looking graphic of their car coming without the lag that ours has. Our shit is not only visually-uninteresting, but it makes it look like the cab is farther away than it actually is, making the customer less likely to wait. Also, they tell the customer the driver's first name, which makes them feel like you're an actual person and creates this weird, spontaneous sense of loyalty. I actually had a girl say to me, "I'm not going to leave Walter hanging," like he was her fucking boyfriend.

LOW-LEVEL MANAGER: Yeah, I already told them we need to make it work faster, and look like GTA. Y'know, the first one?

YOUR DRIVER: Exactly! Or better yet, Crazy Taxi!

LOW-LEVEL MANAGER: Yes! Or maybe Twisted Metal 2!

YOUR DRIVER: I'm not going to leave Walter hanging; according to this graphic he's already killed three people on his way to get me!

BOTH: [mutual cackling! high-five!]

MOST OF THE OLD AND/OR FOREIGN DRIVERS: [exchange awkward looks of bewilderment]

Hell, my one time in a Taxi on a business trip in New Jersey felt like Crazy Taxi. The driver turned the music down to talk to my boss. Kept looking at the backseat to make eye contact. I just stared ahead at the 500 near-misses we had while this played in my head.

My coworker and I have odd conversations on our long-drives to jobsites. Probably doesn't help that he's my brother. It also doesn't help that he's insane.
Him: "Asshole cut me off."
Me: "Neat little car though (was a VW). I need to see about getting the wife a neat little car. Her Sunfire is garbage."
Him: "Aw man, we could get her an old woody, you know Station Wagon. We can put my old 350 in it, build it from the frame. Know a guy selling the one for cheap, needs frame-work and two new doors. Now, it won't have A/C or power windows/locks, but we'll get it running real nice. Wouldn't be good for a daily driver, but she could use it on the weekends."
He continues on about him and I building this thing and what all we would do. The whole time he's talking, I just wide-eyed slowly turn my head to stare at him while he finishes his "thought."
Him: "So?"
Me: "So, what?"
Him: "So, what do you think?"
Me: When I said 'neat,' I was talking about something like a Volkswagen Beetle. What the fuck are you on about?"
Him: "I just thought........ something like that would impress her students more."
Fuck it FeniX, go with it. Point out the least psychotic flaw in this plan.
Me: "When she doesn't teach class on the weekends?"

TheFeniX wrote:Hell, my one time in a Taxi on a business trip in New Jersey felt like Crazy Taxi. The driver turned the music down to talk to my boss. Kept looking at the backseat to make eye contact. I just stared ahead at the 500 near-misses we had while this played in my head. [snip]

If we're going to try to describe the general feel of my day-to-day job (yes, even the balloon, in a way if not always literally) in oldschool Offspring terms, the best answer is probably:

Last night, the QC guy came to our station and gave us the Vulcan hand greeting. I returned the greeting but added, "May the Force be with you Harry Potter." He grinned and flipped me the bird as he left.

Boss: you seem less grumpy than usual lately
Me: it was something I read; I've adjusted my circle of concern to better match my circle of influence
Boss: that sounds interesting, can you tell me more?
Me: basically I added more shit to the list of things I don't give a fuck about. I quit caring about the shit I can't fix.
Boss: that's not a very positive attitude
Me: just let me fix everything and I'll show you what a positive attitude is

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: What do you think about when you masturbate?

YOUR DRIVER: Mostly fellatio. How about you?

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: Brett Favre! Every time... What's your favorite color?

YOUR DRIVER: Purple, what's yours?

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: Purple!? That means you're gay.

YOUR DRIVER: Really? But I love boobs so much...

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: Nope. Gay.

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, then; I guess I should start sucking dicks. Thanks for clearing this up for me.

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: No worries!

Raw Shark wrote:VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: What do you think about when you masturbate?

YOUR DRIVER: Mostly fellatio. How about you?

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: Brett Favre! Every time... What's your favorite color?

YOUR DRIVER: Purple, what's yours?

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: Purple!? That means you're gay.

YOUR DRIVER: Really? But I love boobs so much...

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: Nope. Gay.

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, then; I guess I should start sucking dicks. Thanks for clearing this up for me.

VERY COKED-UP STRIPPER: No worries!

This Looks Like A Job For

Hedonism Bot

Alyrium Denryle wrote:This Looks Like A Job For

Hedonism Bot

He would never let this go if he'd witnessed it...

Raw Shark wrote:

Alyrium Denryle wrote:This Looks Like A Job For

Hedonism Bot

He would never let this go if he'd witnessed it...

Which part?

The fact that you tell stories about him on the internet, or that he is referred to as Hedonism Bot, complete with voice impression work?