Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[AMT]

"Hello, before we begin my name is x and I have x experience." My usual first thought when I hear that is "oh fuck, here we go" as you can be sure the rest of the conversation will include :

*"I don't want my machine reimaged as it will take me 2 hours to install all my non standard software which exists because I applied for local admin access instead of going through the change procedure like everyone else."
*"No, don't reset my profile, I don't remember my login details the ftp server I need and will become incredibly angry at you because I rely on cached passwords."
*"No, the DHCP server I plugged in fucking things up for everyone else on the VLAN...oh one of your field services guys just showed up. Hey! He disconnected my server!...Oh, everything's back to normal...oh."

Thankfully not one on my current job, since we automatically push the original/base image back onto the computers whenever they log off (we have server side storage for local and network save files. Yes, that makes the towers 99% superfluous, but it works), so even if they download stuff on, it gets deleted.

On the negative side, we get people who think they can save to the C drive or desktop and get their files wiped, but we can get them back sometimes. I don't tell them about the documents and settings backdoor tho. lol

Now the other two... ugh. Yeah.

[Eldalote]

This is during secondary school, I had a job as super market clerk.

It was a Saturday, and since that store is the most popular in town, it was completely overcrowded. We had a very hard time keeping the shelves stocked, even without the stupid customers.
A man walked up to me and stares at a list for a few seconds.

Man: "Hey, can you show me where the broth powder is?" (the Dutch word for broth is a bit longer and complex and he obviously had trouble pronouncing it.)
Me: "Eh, sure, follow me please."
We walk to the other end of the store, which takes almost a full minute due to the crowd.
I point him at the shelf in question and say "There it is, have a nice day."

About ten minutes later the same guy walks up to me again, hesitates for more than a minute, looks at his list again and then coughs lightly.
Me: "Can I help you again sir?"
Him (avoiding eye contact): "Yes... eeehm... eehm... I'm sorry, but... Eeehm... What is broth?"

[The Yosemite Bear]

I can't remember the full thing...

Fundy starts spewing Creationist stuff about man and dinosaur in the staff lunch room.
CMC (Certified Master Chef) Roland: Now being a birdlike animal we know that the proper way to prepare a Dromaeosauridae would be to seperate it and slow roast it in poultry seasoning and (snips list of wine, spices, and vegitables), now the tenderist parts would be in the tail.....
Butcher Laura: Yes, but the meat in the legs would be tougher then you find in modern birds, so you would have to roast the drumsticks in alcohol/seasoning/broth mix till they practically fell off the bone like pulled pork....

Me and the rest of the lunch crew laughing our asses off while two cooking experts discussed rationally how to prepare an extinct animal bassed entirely on what we know about the animal from forensics and it's evolutionary descendants.... (Did I mention that Roland's from France, and Laura is a Baptist but still also awknologes evolution as well)

---edit---
classic favorite from standing in line at the Post Office

"I can't remember my Grandmother's Address, can you fill it in for me?"
Postmaster: Do I look like a CIA man in Black?

[Edi]

I'm pretty sure you can't email it either.

That's correct. My original post seems to have a typo there, I probably intended to type "send it in the mail" and screwed it up. I'll go back and fix it. Thanks for pointing it out, Garlak.

[The Guid]

I had a friend who was lighting a show a while back and the director said:

"I love the way the light is hitting the scaffolding structures but I am not so sure on the shadows. I want to keep everything as it is but I was hoping you could get rid of the shadows. Is that possible?"

This is why a theatre director needs to learn at least something about all the other disciplines of theatre.

[The Grim Squeaker]

I had a friend who was lighting a show a while back and the director said:

"I love the way the light is hitting the scaffolding structures but I am not so sure on the shadows. I want to keep everything as it is but I was hoping you could get rid of the shadows. Is that possible?"

This is why a theatre director needs to learn at least something about all the other disciplines of theatre.

Er, what's the problem in setting up a small , weak source of light behind the scaffolds to weaken the shadows, or to have it's light hit directly on the shadows from above or the side without touching the scaffolds physical structure?

[Themightytom]

Me: "You hung up before giving him my fax number, remember I need an invoice?" (Have to treat homeless people like four year olds sometimes or they pull knives out.)

Client (Wearing bermuda shorts and sneakers, and a T shirt with a piture of yoda. yes, Shorts and a T shirt even though its New England the day after a blizzard.) :" Oh man, I'm sorry! Well he said 17 bucks so we can just put that down."

Me: "Right well we don't even know how they want the check made out"

Client: "Well we can jsut try putting seventeen down and making it to H&R block"

Me: "Ah no, when it comes to writing a check, its do or do not, there is no try."

[Kanastrous]

Hmm.

When writing a check it comes to, do or do not; there is no try seems a hair more Yoda-ish...

[The Guid]

I had a friend who was lighting a show a while back and the director said:

"I love the way the light is hitting the scaffolding structures but I am not so sure on the shadows. I want to keep everything as it is but I was hoping you could get rid of the shadows. Is that possible?"

This is why a theatre director needs to learn at least something about all the other disciplines of theatre.

Er, what's the problem in setting up a small , weak source of light behind the scaffolds to weaken the shadows, or to have it's light hit directly on the shadows from above or the side without touching the scaffolds physical structure?

By "keep everything as it is" the Director meant no more rigging and they were out of lights. You do make a good point - maybe if they'd have not lit on a shoestring budget the director could have got what he wanted. I think he expected my friend to just be able to fiddle some knobs or something.

[Kanastrous]

Producer: You really *have* to decide on which location you want to use, to shoot this.

Director: You're trying to railroad me!

Producer: You've had three days to visit six locations. You have survey notes, photos, and drawings.

Director: But I haven't even read the script, yet!

Producer: (sighs) Here, I'll read it *to* you... (flips pages and starts reading...)

[The Guid]

Oh that's ludicrous! How on earth did Director get a job without reading a script? Thats insane!

[Kanastrous]

In series TV directors are almost invariably signed far enough ahead of schedule that the script is frequently unavailable, to read.

Although this far into prep, that's no longer the case.

[White Haven]

Some background for this one...I work in a small tech shop with a fictional owner. To be precise, 'Peter' exists, but has nothing to do with the business and doesn't live in any state bordering this one. As a result, all the marketting and sales types who call up and pretend to know 'Peter' or 'Pete' are inherently full of shit and can be dismissed as such.

Me: Unitek Computers, can I help you?

Nimrod Marketer: Hi, is Peter there?

Me: I'm afraid he's not going to be available. (subtle hint that he's not available and won't ever be, so fuckoff)

NM: Oh, well does he have an assistant?

Me: No, I'm afraid not.

NM: Does he have voice mail?

<Snip a couple minutes full of this guy trying to end-run around me in increasingly inventive ways to get to 'Peter'>

Me: Look...what do you want?

NM: That's a very disrespectful way to talk to one of your business partners. I'm going to have to tell Peter how disrespectful you've been.

Me (holding back laughter): That's your choice. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Yeah. Go ahead and threaten to tell a nonexistent boss I've been naughty. While you're at it, report me to Santa Claus, maybe I'll get coal this year.

[Uraniun235]

We got a voicemail today from some guy:

"Yeah, this is the [redacted] family. I'd appreciate your guys's school not giving me a goddamn message in Spanish on my phone, this is America and I'd appreciate if I'm gonna get a damn message from you guys, about anything that's going on, that there ain't some stupid ass on there talkin' Spanish. Thanks."

The message he's talking about was a bilingual message. From a school district that serves a lot of children from migrant families where the parents don't know English very well.


We were laughing about it quite a bit this morning, the drawl and the twang on his voice was just too perfect. Probably bitches to his bar buddies about having to "press 1 for English" too.

Cockbite.

[Kanastrous]

Don't be so judgmental.

Finding the "1" button can be a real task, for some people.

[tim31]

lol Spyder sounds like this contractors were beached as eh?

Here's the most common recurring annoyance at the hotel I work for, and it either happens face to face or over the phone.

GUEST: There's no towels in my room/where are the towels?

STAFF MEMBER: They're in the vanity cupboard under the sink in the bathroom.

GUEST: Wait, I'll check.

*Pause*

GUEST: Yeah, sure enough.



So tell me people... When you check in to a hotel room, do you look in all the cupboards and drawers or do you call reception and ask them to find things for you?

[Kanastrous]

I have yet to stay in a hotel where the towels aren't hanging on their racks in the bathroom, when I arrive.

Although if I didn't find them there, I would certainly check the closets before picking up the phone.

[Themightytom]

Fools! you pu them in your bags THEN report them missing! Then you get two sets of towels and an apology!

[Kanastrous]

I wasn't about to put that in writing.

[Rye]

C: "Can I trade these games in?"

*customer places back catalogue of PS2 games in 4 or 5 shopping bags on the counter*
To explain further; we are the only Game shop for a good 10 miles in every direction, and the back room is not the largest. Over xmas there was almost no space to hang your coat due to 360s and PS3s stacked everywhere. The amount of preowned PS2 in the back has horribly warped the work surface in the staff room.

R: "Hm. Well, this is Fifa '03... and it's really scratched. It would cost you £1 to trade it in."

C: "Can I still trade it in?"

R: "No. We can't take it, sorry."

C: "What about this?"

R: "That's a PC game. We can't trade PC games in."

C: "Why not?"

R: "Because they have codes attached to them, people can copy them easily, etc."

C: "That's not my fault."

R: "Yeah, but we can't take it. It won't even scan. Watch."

*Beep* Barcode is not a preowned item.

R: "See?"

C: "This is a fuckin' joke, a fuckin' joke!"

R: "Yeah well, blame it on the fatcats at city hall."

And the day there were only two of us and there was a guy outside taking photos of little girls... Jesus that was one stress-filled day.

The day I asked a customer if they were all right and they answered "No! Fuck off! I'm not stealing!" was awesome.

[aerius]

Fools! you pu them in your bags THEN report them missing! Then you get two sets of towels and an apology!

Do you remember what happened to Al Bundy when he stole the towels from some British hotel?

[tim31]

I don't know why the towels aren't on the rack or folded on the bed; I asked the Executive Housekeeper once but can't remember the reasoning. BTW Karl every 'work incident' you've posted I've tried to guess at what the job was through your IMDB profile and had no luck. The train one had me stumped.

Okay so here's one from way back, just keeping in line with the 'pre-emptive arsehole' theme. When, as a student, I worked for a supermarket, we had some water on the floor near the checkouts after a heavy rainstorm found a hole in the roof. I had another staff member stand in front of it to ward people off while I went and got hazard signs, a mop and a bucket. I throw these signs up around the DANGER ZONE and start soaking up the water. While I'm doing this a dude walks straight in front of me wearing thongs(read: flip flops) and SLAM he's down on his arse. Not two seconds after he hits the ground"

CUSTOMER: where were your (hazard) signs?

TIM:(laughing) You've landed in front of one! You walked past the other.

I offered him a hand to get up, but he did so of his own accord and walked off haughtily. No compo for you, buddy.

[Kanastrous]

BTW Karl every 'work incident' you've posted I've tried to guess at what the job was through your IMDB profile and had no luck. The train one had me stumped.

Not everything goes on the profile. Gotta be selective, you know.

*edit* by way of explanation, that train project was first put into production by Carolco back around 1990. We spent about five or six months in pre-production and prep, and then for various reasons the plug was pulled immediately before we were to start major construction. The project did not *entirely* die, though, in the sense that one of the original executive producers is still listing it as active and is theoretically still lurching toward producing it, somewhere, sometime, somehow. So I don't list it on IMDB; being associated with the initial 1990 project rather than the 2008 project presently listed, it would just be confusing and inaccurate.

[Themightytom]

I had a witness for once! usually my most awkward moments are in the shelter but this one was at my office above the soup kitchen. it started out pretty benign and then got inccreasingly hilarious,



Me: "Lee how do you do data entry all day every day? i only ahve to do about four hours a week, but many my eyes get tired."

Coworker: "You should hurry up and invent that direct brain interface."

Me: Right, so I can have a seizure every ten minutes because I have windows XP and my longs aren't a supported model?

Coworker: "Well you'd use a better operating system of course like Linux."

::inturrupted by two clients coming upstairs::

Client: "I used to work for them."

Me: "What Linux?"

Client: "No linens and things."

Me: "Oh Lee meant the computer program."

Client: "They had pewters there, we used them all the time."

Me (At a loss): Well, so you can operate cash registers and stuff?"

Client #2: "He can't operate shit, he's always passed out in the gutter, hey! You spend so much time in the sewer, we should call you Manhole."

Client 1: "I don't want to be called a man hole..."

Client 2, "No not A man hole, manhole, one word!"

Client 1: "Thats conjunctivitis!"

Me getting really impatient: "Don't call him manhole in my office he doesn't like it. What are you guys here for."

Client 1: "Boots!"

Client 2: "Oh you're a firigging idiot, he won't give us shit now."

Client 1: "I said boots not booze, I wanted boots!"

Me: "Guys, were you hoping I would give you a pair of boots you could sell for booze? because you're both wearing boots, so you wouldn't be eligible anyway."

Client #2 "Well these are pretty worn out..."

Me: "I gave you a pair a month ago, and those aren't them, what happened to your last pair?"

Client #2 "Someone knocked me out and stole 'em."

Me: "I really can't help you guys sorry. Come for regular job developement and maybe i can do something in a few weeks."

Clients getting up to leave.

Client 2 "Lets go manhole."

Client 1: "You're an asshole!"

After door closes.

Lee: "I wonder if we could include a common sense patch into that neural interface."

[tim31]

Not everything goes on the profile. Gotta be selective, you know.

Suddenly it all makes sense!