Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Do you have a recording device? Because if you're taking dictation that would probably count as distracted driving.

I have a really good short-term memory and write this stuff down between rides because it amuses me. It's probably not 100% accurate, but if I can remember why I thought it was funny I'll post it.

[Raw Shark]

REALLY DRUNK GIRL: I'm not racist or anything, I just usually call Lyft because they mostly hire white people.

[Raw Shark]

OLD REGULAR: So did anything ever happen with you and Julia?

YOUR DRIVER: Almost, but I got fucked by the Girl Code. We were right about to do it, and then she was like, "I can't do this because you slept with my friend Lisa."

OLD REGULAR: But that only happened once, and then Lisa was a total asshole to you!

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, I kind of got robbed there.

OLD REGULAR: You guys should've just done a threesome.

YOUR DRIVER: What, is that some kind of Girl Code hand-off?

OLD REGULAR: Yeah, it's like a baton, only the baton is your penis.

YOUR DRIVER: Huh. I learn something new every day at this job.

[Raw Shark]

DRUNK GUY: HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?

YOUR DRIVER: Um. A guy holding his hand up like he wants a taxi?

DRUNK GUY: STUPID!

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: I'm gonna stop for this girl and drop her at the next gas station, okay?

DENVER BFF: Yeah, she shouldn't be out here at 3am, she looks like she's twelve.

WAIFISH JUGGALO: Thank you so much for stopping! Can you please, please, please take me to 1st and Federal? I don't have any money, I'm so sorry, I totally got stranded.

YOUR DRIVER: Sure, that's on our way. Say, uh, what's that you've got on you?

WAIFISH JUGGALO: Oh this? I just walked here from ICP, so I'm covered in Faygo.

YOUR DRIVER: [gritting teeth] Let me put down some paper towels before you get in.

WAIFISH JUGGALO: Sure! I'm so glad I got to see ICP again! This is literally the only time I've ever been front row center and didn't get hit in the face with a bottle.

DENVER BFF: [covers mouth and looks out window, trying very hard not to laugh]

YOUR DRIVER: I've got to say, the fan loyalty those two clowns command is astonishing to me.

WAIFISH JUGGALO: [paraphrase of long, energetic monologue] It's not just them, it's the whole community! Before I was down, I didn't know who I was, but then I found out about being down and knew who I'm supposed to be. Juggalos are like family, like even if I don't know somebody I'm nice to them if they're down, and they've always got my back, too.

YOUR DRIVER: That's why a crowd of thousands of them let you walk home up a desolate stretch of Clusterfax at three in the morning?

DENVER BFF: [completely loses her shit, laughing so hard her water shoots out her nose]

WAIFISH JUGGALO: [sputters angry excuses for her subculture's hypocrisy as she gets out]

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: Greg! Get in the cab!

SUPERMAN COSTUME: [comes running up] Why didn't you stop for me!?

YOUR DRIVER: I'm busy, sorry bud.

SUPERMAN COSTUME: But I pulled you over!

YOUR DRIVER: You wha- Listen, I actually know this guy, and he's hammered, so I have to get him home, sorry.

SUPERMAN COSTUME: I'll pay you double whatever he's paying!

YOUR DRIVER: Would Superman abandon a friend in need for a bribe?

SUPERMAN COSTUME: [punches the taxi] YOU'RE A BITCH!

[Raw Shark]

DRUNK GHOST (F): [sobbing uncontrollably]

DRUNK GHOST (M): Baby, will you calm down, please? I really do not get why you're this upset.

DRUNK GHOST (F): I'm upset because you don't love me anymore!

DRUNK GHOST (M): Of course I love you, baby.

DRUNK GHOST (F): But you won't have sex with me!

DRUNK GHOST (M): Baby, you know I just had hernia surgery. The doctor said absolutely no sex for two weeks, and I already said I'd try it after one.

YOUR DRIVER: . . . o O (This is a job for cunnilingus...)

DRUNK GHOST (F): I hate you! You're an asshole!

DRUNK GHOST (M): I'm the asshole? You kicked me in the balls at the bar! That's why we got kicked out, and I might have to go to the hospital again!

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, I try not to pick sides, but I really don't think he's the asshole here.

[Raw Shark]

CUTE HIPPIE GIRL DRESSED AS A TREE: So how do you feel about Lyft?

YOUR DRIVER: I want to take my lighter and set their pink mustaches on fire.

CUTE HIPPIE GIRL DRESSED AS A TREE: [laughs]

YOUR DRIVER: Seriously, every time I see one of those things, I just-

CUTE HIPPIE GIRL DRESSED AS A TREE: Do you give mustache rides?

YOUR DRIVER: I don't have a mustache, but for you I would be honored to try.

[Broomstick]

Someone broke a bottle of nail polish at work yesterday and spilled it on the floor.

Somebody (maybe the breaker, maybe someone else) then walked through the puddle, leaving pink sparkly footprints all over that quarter of the store.

Judging by the tread, it was a guy.

So yesterday we had a guy leaving pink, sparkly footprints all over.

FABULOUS!!!

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: Make sure you've got everything!

DRUNK GUY: I do!

YOUR DRIVER: Hey, is that your wallet?

DRUNK GUY: Oh, yeah...

[Broomstick]

Working at the cash register (I'm a back-up cashier), this lady with an slight, elegant German accent with whom I had a brief but engaging discussion on the differences between German and American pumpernickel bread swipes her credit card to pay for her transaction.

The card is denied.

I suggest she try again because, well, sometimes that does actually work. It doesn't. She protests its the store's credit card (true) and she's waiting for her new one but meanwhile she wants to use her old one. I say I'm sorry but the machine will not take her current card, she needs to pay with something else (she has one of those wallets you open up with a dozen slots for various plastic cards, all of them full in her case). She protests it's the store's card and can't the register access the corporate database with her credit account to prove she has one, and pay for her purchases?

?

OK, that's a new one.... No, ma'am, this is just a cash register. It can't access any form of customer database. There is no way I can force it to accept your card.

For the next five minutes she stands there INSISTING that I can do this. Why she thinks this I have no clue, it's not like I'm enjoying this conversation. I repeat that she needs to pay with something else. She then starts on about how purchasing with the store's card would get her a discount (likely - the store frequently runs such promotions) and insists I subtract that from the total. I told I can not do that if she's not paying with the store's card.

At this point I point out that the customer service desk might be better able to help her and there is currently no waiting there.

She gets pretty damn irate because I'm not accommodating her request to fudge a payment on her rejected card. She swipes a different card that is accepted. She made a big deal about reading my nametag and stomping off to customer service, but seriously, WTF was she expecting?

Either that or she was trying to scam me (wouldn't be the first time) but seriously, honey, I wasn't born yesterday and get as angry as you want, I'm not losing my job over a cart full of your groceries.

[Dalton]

I thought you worked at Home Depot?

[Broomstick]

Nope, I applied there but wound up at a better-than-Wal-Mart big box retailer who would prefer I not name names on the internet.

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, I've been risking my fucking life all night. It's been a little slice of Hell. That'll be $9.85.

DRUNK GUY: Oh wow, good luck with that. Can I just get ten back? (on a $20)

YOUR DRIVER: . . . o O (DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING-)

YOUR DRIVER: Sure...

[Ace Pace]

I don't understand the U.S. tipping culture. It's a freaking taxi ride. What amazing service can there be to require a tip? Why can't the cost simply include a drivers salary in?

[Borgholio]

I don't understand the U.S. tipping culture. It's a freaking taxi ride. What amazing service can there be to require a tip? Why can't the cost simply include a drivers salary in?

With waiters and waitresses, tipping is to make up for a $2 per hour wage which is unlivable. I don't know how it is with Taxi drivers. Ask Raw Shark.

[The_Saint]

See I read that as Raw Shark having a bad day and initially cursing the drunk guy and then realising the guy is somewhat making RS life easier.

But then again... nfi with tipping of taxi drivers in USA

[Terralthra]

No, that's a dude giving him a 15 cent tip on what was explicitly a shitty taxi drive.

[Broomstick]

Customary taxi tipping is 15-20%. More if your driver went to some extra effort.

[Raw Shark]

No, that's a dude giving him a 15 cent tip on what was explicitly a shitty taxi drive.

After asking me how my night was going, no less. The first snow day of the year is always a shit-show here; people here completely forget how to drive in snow over the summer for some reason, which I really wouldn't have expected in a mountain state. We lost about 1% of the fleet that night, as in cars totaled, not fender-benders.

I don't understand the U.S. tipping culture. It's a freaking taxi ride. What amazing service can there be to require a tip?

I've encountered this attitude often. "Hey, you got me from Point A to Point B, that's what the fare is for, why do you expect more?"

For starters, there is the very fact that I was working on the first snow day of the year. I didn't have to do that by the rules of my job, I only did it because I'm broke and don't have the rent money yet. My company actually mildly discourages us from working on snow days, because they don't want us to wreck the equipment. Just by being there, I was doing that guy a favor, and there were about ten available passengers who'd been waiting a long time downtown when I picked him up.

Also, every time you get in a cab that is clean, or the driver lets you smoke, or the driver knows where he's going better than you do, or he shows up quickly, or waits a long time with the meter off for you to get in the car, or loads your stuff for you, or doesn't talk on his phone or drive you in stony silence the whole time, or knows how to find something you can't such as crack and hookers, a gay bath house, or a place you just don't know the address for, that is above-and-beyond typical taxi service in this town.

Why can't the cost simply include a drivers salary in?

Because the law allows it and the company likes it that way. If I got paid a living wage for what I do, I wouldn't bitch about cheapskates. My tips roughly equal my budget for both gasoline and food.

[Lagmonster]

The only thing that really bugs me about tipping is that I *can't* tip the people I really, really want to tip, such as my anaesthesiologist.

[Raw Shark]

The only thing that really bugs me about tipping is that I *can't* tip the people I really, really want to tip, such as my anaesthesiologist.

There's a technique that I call, "The Italian Handshake," for this. Chances are your anaesthesiologist doesn't need your money and really sincerely doesn't want to kill you, though. Both of those conditions are not generally the case with regard to cab drivers.

[Lagmonster]

True story: A visiting senior lab manager from Winnipeg and I had to take a short ride in a cab. Without hesitating, he tossed a $10 into the driver's lap and said, "Please be careful, it's really important that I get there okay". He went on to explain in detail how often people die in car accidents and how crucial his work in treating necrophorum-based illnesses were to the African rancher population. I'm still not certain if he is a dickhead or a paranoiac, but the driver was a pro. He offered, in the most butler-y tone imaginable, if Sir would perhaps like it if he came back there and fastened and adjusted the seatbelt for him? To ensure his utmost safety?

[Raw Shark]

True story: A visiting senior lab manager from Winnipeg and I had to take a short ride in a cab. Without hesitating, he tossed a $10 into the driver's lap and said, "Please be careful, it's really important that I get there okay". He went on to explain in detail how often people die in car accidents and how crucial his work in treating necrophorum-based illnesses were to the African rancher population. I'm still not certain if he is a dickhead or a paranoiac, but the driver was a pro. He offered, in the most butler-y tone imaginable, if Sir would perhaps like it if he came back there and fastened and adjusted the seatbelt for him? To ensure his utmost safety?

Nice.

[Borgholio]

You should try that someday, Shark. Get a bowler's cap, grow a thin mustache and pretend to be Alfred.