Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Kanastrous]

Seconded (thirded?)

These stories are great stuff.

[LaCroix]

Seconded (thirded?)

These stories are great stuff.

You could try and slip them to someone, it could be a great comedy... "Nightshift - when the world goes crazy" or maybe "They only come out at night!"

[Spekio]

I always think of the "Taxi Driver" movie score when I read Raw Shark's stories.

[The Grim Squeaker]

While working as a photographer at 60th birthday party-event for the husband of the head of my lab; (Senior professors get mini conferences in their honor on their 60'th birthday - it's a "lifetime accomplishment" sort of thing):

Me: "So, are there any fields awards, or nobel prize winners here I should know about?" [/Half joking]

Her: "Don't worry about that, just have fun and get some nice pictures".
...
Her: "And, Well, there are about 6-8 Fields, Turing or Nobel prize winners here, but never mind that".

Me: "... :0"

(This in a room with about 2-3 dozen people, and some of them students from his lab, etc' ).

(.. I have an Erdos number of 3! [/Nerd out!])

[Raw Shark]

I'd buy your bio...

Thanks!

And let me guess - asking a passenger out is a no-no at your new job, right? [snip]

Haha, no. The company (same old job; just got a better contract with them recently) doesn't really care what I do with the passengers, as long as it doesn't damage the car or potentially get the cops involved, and I've done everything from a one-nighter to a real relationship with them. On the other hand, the vast majority of the women that I meet at work are so drunk that it's just not attractive.

[Elheru Aran]

Maybe you could start keeping a journal and write down the different stories that happen each night, even if it's just a quick note like "cute redhead stripper, funny cat voice, can't buy litter"? That way it might be easier to remember them if you ever decide to go that route. Of course, you do have this thread

[Raw Shark]

Maybe you could start keeping a journal and write down the different stories that happen each night, even if it's just a quick note like "cute redhead stripper, funny cat voice, can't buy litter"? That way it might be easier to remember them if you ever decide to go that route. Of course, you do have this thread

I do, indeed. :]

On a related note, I had a funny blast from the past at work a few days ago. I won't attempt to recreate the whole conversation, because it was about 90 minutes total, but here's a summary of the set-up followed by my favorite part:

So a few years ago, during the summer before I met the girl I'm dating right now, I got this smoking hot, athletic blonde girl with a memorable tattoo in my cab who wasn't extremely drunk, and who told me that she'd always fantasized about getting a really good-looking cab driver and just totally jumping him every time her rich, controlling douchebag husband sends her home in a cab so he can go to the strip club with his buddies, so I cheerfully cuckolded the guy in his own home and went on my merry way.

Flash forward to a few days ago, when I get the two of them in my cab. I recognize her within about five minutes due to some conversational deja vu even though her haircut is different and I'm not facing her, but she seems to have no idea. Husband is an overgrown Ultra Bro, and the guy absolutely loves me for some reason. I'm like his new favorite person. We get to their huge-ass mansion:

HUSBAND: Dude, this is so amazing that we got a white cabbie! [ed: really not feeling any more sorry for this guy after meeting him] That never happens! You have to give us your number, so we can call you every time!

YOUR DRIVER: Uh, sure bud. Here you go, call me any time.

H: You should totally come in and hang out with us, bro! [discusses specific entertainment options, with much emphasis on how much they set him back] Hey [wife's name], you want to hang out with this guy?

Wife: Yeah, okay.

YD: Well, I wouldn't usually, but you guys seem really cool...

[snip various small talk in the kitchen]

H: I gotta drain the lizard! Pour me another drink, [wife's name]! Thanks, babe.

[more small talk]

W: [begins staring at Your Driver. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops] Oh my God.

YD: [struggling to not crack up] I was wondering when you'd realize.

W: How long did you know!?

YD: About five minutes in.

W: Why would you come in if you knew? This is crazy!

YD: What can I say? I enjoy your company, [wife's name]. Besides, why would I deny myself an experience this potentially surreal and hilarious?

W: [giggles] Okay, I guess I can see- [Husband returns]

[YD & W demonstrate at length that they could probably clean up playing poker]

H: Alright, bro, you have a good night! We're gonna call you every time!

YD: Yeah, you do the same, guys. [facing Husband] It was great to meet you! [facing Wife] Good seeing you! [hasty exit]

[Borgholio]

Besides, why would I deny myself an experience this potentially surreal and hilarious?

I like your style.

[Spekio]

You should write a book.

[Zaune]

I'm slightly afraid to find out how this ends.

[LaCroix]

I'm slightly afraid to find out how this ends.

...who told me that she'd always fantasized about getting a really good-looking cab driver and just totally jumping him every time her rich, controlling douchebag husband sends her home in a cab...

H: Alright, bro, you have a good night! We're gonna call you every time!

I see a fantasy coming true... Actually two...

@RawShark Sit down and start writing - NOW!

[Raw Shark]

I see a fantasy coming true... Actually two...

She got that years ago - the big payoff for me here was seeing her face when she realized she was hanging out with me and her husband at the same time.

I like your style.

You should write a book.

@RawShark Sit down and start writing - NOW!

Thanks!

[InsaneTD]

You are a bad, bad man. +1 to liking your style.

[Raw Shark]

I always think of the "Taxi Driver" movie score when I read Raw Shark's stories.

Re-reading this post prompted me to re-listen to Herrmann's awesome score. Such amazingly lyrical minor-key strings and reeds with a balance between joy and menace that actually captures the job more than anything else ever has. The man was a genius.

[The Grim Squeaker]

[Warning, ridicolously hard to relate joke ahead]:

Today at a lab meeting , while describing the findings of a girl in our lab:

• Her: "So what we found (which is really surprising) is that the [Sick] cells are very similar to each other, despite being sick with different X, and being from different [groups/populations/tissues], while healthy cells from different groups are much more different from each other".
  
  Me: So, reverse Tolstoy then? *

- Ah, the statistics jokes we molecular bioinformaticians think up


Full disclosure - parts edited since it's about unpublished research. And i'd totally reverse russian the lass in question .


* =

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. "

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Karenina_principle
(Replace Happy with healthy and unhappy with sick).

[Raw Shark]

NEWISH REGULAR: Why does every lane in front of us have somebody going 5 miles per hour?

YOUR DRIVER: I have no idea. It's like a wall of idiots.

NR: Hang on, Big Rims is handing something to Subaru Outback in traffic. Are we being held up by a low-speed drug deal?

YD: Come on, man, it's an Outback. We are clearly being held up by a low-speed Grey Poupon exchange.

[long seconds pass]

NR: Holy shit, that guy has his whole torso out the window yelling at the other guy while he's still driving the car!

YD: I'm slowing do- Whoa, he's blocking Big Rims! He's out of the car! We're gonna have to detour up this alley.

NR: Yeah, yeah, whatever you've got to do. What the fuck happened? I thought they were friends...

YD: Muthafucka! This Grey Poupon is expired!

[Borgholio]

YD: Muthafucka! This Grey Poupon is expired!

You ass. Now I have to clean my keyboard.

[Crayz9000]

YD: Muthafucka! This Grey Poupon is expired!

I could totally hear you doing that in a Samuel L. Jackson impression.

Also, this.

[Borgholio]

Helping a client install our software on a new workstation.

Me: I need to speak your local tech
Him: I'm the local tech
Me: Ok, copy the configuration file from a existing workstation to the new computer.
Him: Where?
Me: Copy it to the Windows folder on the new computer.
Him: What's the Windows folder?
Me: Are you really a tech?

[Spekio]

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU USE COKE IN THREE DIFFERENT FORMS BEFORE DOING A DRUG TEST FOR JOINING THE POLICE FORCE, RETARD?!

[Broomstick]

Someone had a big night planned last night. At the store I am not working at we found an empty pizza box and some hallmark cards in the "family planning" aisle (a.k.a. lube and condoms) along with an opened box of rubbers, minus at least one unit of product.

Too bad for them that the aisle with the birth control products is right outside the security office.

I am told this is one of the least weird things that happens. Can't wait, really, to find out what the really whack stuff is. I just hope the spilled bodily fluids are minimal.

[Darth Nostril]

Can't wait, really, to find out what the really whack stuff is.

Try http://www.notalwaysright.com for an idea of what you might be letting yourself in for.

[Elheru Aran]

Retail is a lovely business to watch. Not so much work in. Though I maintain that for the craziest antics, go to food service. You can't exactly smoke weed and drink beer after hours in the back of the store at Walmart

Well, maybe you can... that might explain a few things...

[Dalton]

I've heard stories of the goofy shit that went on in the art department back in the day. Chair races, epic pranks, putting an obit on every screen...

[Raw Shark]

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU USE COKE IN THREE DIFFERENT FORMS BEFORE DOING A DRUG TEST FOR JOINING THE POLICE FORCE, RETARD?!

Three different forms? How is that even... snorting it, smoking it, and they had needle tracks? At that point, you might as well just put your head in a feedbag of the shit...

On the other hand, he'd fit right in with the DPD Precinct 6 night crew. Holy fuck, did I see a lot of crazy-ass cop shenanigans involving violence inflicted on persons and/or stupid driving last night.