Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Alyeska]

That's most users. I assume they are all idiots unless they prove otherwise and I'll tell them what to do in a language you would normally use with an 8 year old. If the stupid ones who know nothing get indignant about that, I'll just tell them that we can either do it my way or no way or we'll be all day on the phone on their dime.

One of the good things here is also that if a customer gets abusive and starts flinging shit, the conversation immediately becomes

Me: Nobody here is obligated to listen to this kind of language. Please call back when you can muster a more civil tone.
*click*

We aren't allowed to do that, ever. Even after one user called in 8 times in a single day because she couldn't comprehend how to use her password, we still have to treat them with absolute respect.

[Alyrium Denryle]

Setting: Course about the roman empire
Topic: Augustus as the heir of Caesar

I notice a student shifting in her seat and ask her if anything's wrong.
Her: Who's Caesar?
Me: And you thought it a good idea to study history with that sort of profound knowledge?

Wait... And this student somehow made it through a Gymnasium?

[Akkleptos]

Out of ignorance on my part, I aknowledge that, but nonetheless amusing.

Boss (from the US, Arts degree): *offering a tome* I thought you might like this.
Me: *always in for a good read* What is it?
Boss: Just a bit of American contemporary poetry.
ME: Is there such a thing?

Was he *really* a Swedish Hockey Player, or was he just so drunk that he thought he was one?

Hard to say if he was a professional hockey player or not; but apparently he had spoken about hockey all day long until he decided to move on to better pursuits, i.e. harassing women and trying to order more alcohol.

Do they still have those motbok (pardon my spelling) alcohol-rationing things in Sweeden? That would explain a lot.

[MarshalFoch]

Before I moved across country I held a job as a deli clerk at a local supermarket for several years. Despite being a customer service job, I didn't encounter many instances of outright stupidity on the customers part. Lots of anger and annoyances and my own stupidity but no one who downright left me speechless. That is until one Sunday (the busiest day) when a customer jumped ahead of the rather long service line.

Customer: Can you cut this (a large slab of raw steak) for me on the slicer?

Clerk: Uhh.... hold on. (to me) This guy has a question.

Me: Yes?

:Repeat Question:

Me: No, we can only slice cooked meats on our equipment.

C: But you're cutting roast beef.

M: (Trying not to laugh since the name should give away the problem with his statement) I'm sorry sir but we don't have the sanitary equipment to clean a slicer if we did that, maybe the meat department can help you.

C: Can you just ask the store manager. I've had it done before (They always have, as if I am suddenly going to change my mind on his word).

So I call the manager, and sure enough he also agrees that the Health Department would have a problem with us doing that. So left with no recourse but to cut it himself or come back when meat is open, he decides he will try convincing me to break health laws. On and on about how he doesn't understand the problem, and then that it is just that we are too lazy to clean up the slicers.

Eventually I had to ask him to leave the department since while he had every right to complain if he wanted, he was disrupting the other customers shopping. He stormed off to complain to the store manager, even took my name and something about how I was going to lose my assistant manager position. Somewhat surprisingly since store management usually pulls out all the stops to calm customers, the store manager as well asked him to leave.

[Thanas]

Setting: Course about the roman empire
Topic: Augustus as the heir of Caesar

I notice a student shifting in her seat and ask her if anything's wrong.
Her: Who's Caesar?
Me: And you thought it a good idea to study history with that sort of profound knowledge?

Wait... And this student somehow made it through a Gymnasium?

Well, she could have been to a Gesamtschule. Or simply never have bothered about history (It is possible to get a good average without history anyway, since it is just one 0f 15 subjects that count for the composite grade) and decided to study it because after all, how hard can it be?

Most likely she wants to be a teacher and needed a second subject for her degree and she picked one she thought to be easy in order to reach a good grade.

[Edi]

That's most users. I assume they are all idiots unless they prove otherwise and I'll tell them what to do in a language you would normally use with an 8 year old. If the stupid ones who know nothing get indignant about that, I'll just tell them that we can either do it my way or no way or we'll be all day on the phone on their dime.

One of the good things here is also that if a customer gets abusive and starts flinging shit, the conversation immediately becomes

Me: Nobody here is obligated to listen to this kind of language. Please call back when you can muster a more civil tone.
*click*

We aren't allowed to do that, ever. Even after one user called in 8 times in a single day because she couldn't comprehend how to use her password, we still have to treat them with absolute respect.

We have to be polite and courteous as well, but we are not required to take shit from customers. If the customers start calling us names and telling us to fuck off and otherwise being abusive, we tell them to call back when they can behave and just hang up on them. At that point the customers can go fuck themselves. All calls are recorded, so if they want to raise a stink afterward, they are free to do so, at which point the higher management will tell them to take a hike. And if a customer like that switches operators, good riddance. They'll be just as much a pain in the arse, but to someone else.

I've had the repeat callers myself, even so that I personally got the same person calling and asking the same things. That's fine. Then we instruct them, no problem, part of the job, frustrating as it may be. But if they become abusive, they get disconnected. It's that simple. It's really no different from a disruptive, violent customer at a store that security throws out on their ass. The American attitude toward how the customer is supposedly always right and entitled to behave like whatever kind of fuckwit they want is completely unacceptable here. Customers sometimes like to try the "The customer is always right!" bullshit with us, especially when they haven't read their contracts and demand things that are specifically excluded, at which point we just refer it to the supervisors if they don't take our word for it.

[Kanastrous]

On a feature film project, designing the control console for this bigass high-tech vehicle central to the show.

The Production Designer (top kick in the Art Department) is an absolutely delightful Italian fellow, multiple Oscartm nominations and awards, a fine artist whose work reminds of Piranesi, speaks Italian and German well but English very, very poorly.

PD: (gestures at the drawing on my table) Is very nice, but could we make, uh, wider the, uh... (makes a gesture, hands held together then drawn far apart)

Me: The console?

PD: (smiles beatifically) Yes, yes, yes, make wider the console...and could we make, uh, rounder the, uh...the... (draws circles in the air with his fingertips)

Me: The screens?

PD: (smiles even wider) Yes, yes, make rounder the screens, rounder, yes...and with bigger, uh, bigger... (makes cupping motion with hands, as though holding melons to his chest)

Me: uh...breasts?

PD: (breaks into enormous toothy grin, shakes head) No, no, no breasts...I mean, yes, breasts, but no, no, no breasts...

[AMT]

For the latter, is it supposed to be obvious that passwords are case-sensitive?

As the list (working from memory) which shows up tells them it must, among other things:

1) be between 10-20 characters
2) have an uppercase, lowercase, and number or symbol
3) cannot use an english dictionary word forwards or backwards
4) cannot repeat characters or numbers

If they read, or listened when I (or my staff) say in a loud voice "make sure to remember how you put the password in EXACTLY, including symbols and upper or lower case) when conducting training classes, yes, yes it is.

It's not even that they forget its case sensitive. It's the fact they don't realize their password isn't working because they don't realize that pressing the keypad on the right side of the keyboard doesn't work when the numlock light is off or conversely, that when the caps lock light is ON letters CAPITALIZE.

IT Helpdesk for a Bank

Me: Please right click on my computer.
User: Ok
Me: Do you see where it says computer name?
User: No
Me: What do you see?
User: This is just My Documents
(shakes head)
Me: Ok, close out of that. Now right click on My Computer.
User: Ok
Me: Now what do you see?
User: Something about network connections and My Network Places
(starts giving my computer monitor the finger)
Me: (sighs) Close out of that. Now this time please right click on the My Computer icon. Good. Do you see the General and Computer Identification tab?
User: No, it just reads Display properties and screensaver
Me: (Mutes phone and starts swearing) Ok, close out of that. This time you need to right click on my computer. Do you see the tabs?
User: No, just Local Disk C, Floppy Disk, and CD-Rom)
Me: (hangs head in disgust) Ok, right click on my computer. Do you see it? No, not Local Disk. Right click, right click, look, please just right click. (At this point the user had been right clicking then instantly left clicking on open without telling me).

After spending ten fucking minutes on the phone with this stupid woman I finally get the computer name out of her. 10 minutes to solve a 2 minute problem. And she got indignant with me for treating her like she doesn't know anything about computers. Every time she calls and I get her, I feel like throttling her to this day.

Time's like that you just wish you could take remote access or at least have a server map, isn't it?

On the plus side, I actually get to build a Help Desk from scratch over the next month, for some new technology coming into the office for a project. At least you mostly deal with office types. I'm going to have to get stuff ready for user's who likely haven't even USED a computer, let alone own one.

Please tell me this wasn't an undergraduate student.

Please tell me that for some reason you're teaching this course to kindergartners.

Yeah, like who is this Ceasar guy, anyways? I keep hearing things about him. Ridiculous things. Who does he think he is?

(joking obviously)

Dude dude... no. He's the guy with the salad. The one with the anchovies in the dressing. Duh.

[PainRack]

A personal favorite of mine;

Patient: "I'm getting tired, is there anyway I can get my sleeping pill? I don't want to fall asleep before I get my sleeping pill."

Me: "Er...if you can sleep without the drugs, you should do so."

I think I can top you:D

So, after explaining to this student nurse that this patient of mine was expected to pass away and what we should do for the last few hours in terms of monitoring and pain relief, she asked:" So, is he going to pass away during our shift or afterwards?"

Me:"How would I know? Do I look like god?"

[Eleas]

Do they still have those motbok (pardon my spelling) alcohol-rationing things in Sweeden? That would explain a lot.

Your spelling is completely correct, and no, we don't. It was in fact discontinued in 1955. But curiously, it did nothing to effect moderation amongst, for instance, hockey players.

[Kanastrous]

Me:"How would I know? Do I look like god?"

If you were wearing your white coat/scrubs, with stethoscope for effect then yes, to her, maybe you did.

[Alyeska]

Time's like that you just wish you could take remote access or at least have a server map, isn't it?

Thats what I was trying to do, really. Half the time normal remote control doesn't work and I need the workstation name, and that is where she failed...

[Knife]

I think I can top you:D

So, after explaining to this student nurse that this patient of mine was expected to pass away and what we should do for the last few hours in terms of monitoring and pain relief, she asked:" So, is he going to pass away during our shift or afterwards?"

Me:"How would I know? Do I look like god?"

lol

Come on doc, I've got to pick up some milk and bread before I get home. Can you give me a better time line than that?

[Littlefoot]

Time's like that you just wish you could take remote access or at least have a server map, isn't it?

On the plus side, I actually get to build a Help Desk from scratch over the next month, for some new technology coming into the office for a project. At least you mostly deal with office types. I'm going to have to get stuff ready for user's who likely haven't even USED a computer, let alone own one.

Lucky you. Im not a hd manager yet, but I can see the benefit in selecting your own workers. We had a guy on our desk who didn't understand the concept of "tact" while on the phone. A few F-bombs later he was gone, but not before causing much embarassment. As for stories, while I was working at IBM I was on a desk that monitored the blade servers in Walmarts. A few good ones here.
1) Tech arrives to do hardware cleaning and notices a kiddie pool on top of the server cabbinet. There is a hose going from the pool to a drain in the hallway. Apparently the manager thought this was the best way to deal with the condensation leaking from an overhead pipe.
2) Im on the phone with a tech just getting his onsite info when he walks into the UPC office and....it's not there. As in no machines of any kind other than a printer and pc on a counter. Now this tech was there because the servers were overheating and were about to shut down. There is a plywood wall making up the back of the room and it is covered in shift charts and various other stuff. Turns out the servers are overheating because the A-manager decided to make himself an office by walling off the servers in the back of the room, not even realising how hot those suckers can get.

There are many more, these are just from my first weak there.

[AMT]

Time's like that you just wish you could take remote access or at least have a server map, isn't it?

Thats what I was trying to do, really. Half the time normal remote control doesn't work and I need the workstation name, and that is where she failed...

Well, if that's the average user you guys get, a workaround I've seen before for situations like that is to have the Workstation name placed on the tower or monitor. That way they can rattle it off as soon as they call, ala their user name. Even if they DO know how to work around a computer it saves time by not making them right click it, and allows access if say, they're having monitor or tower issues that may not let them access it.

Don't know how direct your Help Desk is regarding changes to computer layouts, but it's a thought. We currently do something similar with the asset tags put on the computers in the office.

Time's like that you just wish you could take remote access or at least have a server map, isn't it?

On the plus side, I actually get to build a Help Desk from scratch over the next month, for some new technology coming into the office for a project. At least you mostly deal with office types. I'm going to have to get stuff ready for user's who likely haven't even USED a computer, let alone own one.

Lucky you. Im not a hd manager yet, but I can see the benefit in selecting your own workers. We had a guy on our desk who didn't understand the concept of "tact" while on the phone. A few F-bombs later he was gone, but not before causing much embarassment. As for stories, while I was working at IBM I was on a desk that monitored the blade servers in Walmarts. A few good ones here.
1) Tech arrives to do hardware cleaning and notices a kiddie pool on top of the server cabbinet. There is a hose going from the pool to a drain in the hallway. Apparently the manager thought this was the best way to deal with the condensation leaking from an overhead pipe.
2) Im on the phone with a tech just getting his onsite info when he walks into the UPC office and....it's not there. As in no machines of any kind other than a printer and pc on a counter. Now this tech was there because the servers were overheating and were about to shut down. There is a plywood wall making up the back of the room and it is covered in shift charts and various other stuff. Turns out the servers are overheating because the A-manager decided to make himself an office by walling off the servers in the back of the room, not even realising how hot those suckers can get.

There are many more, these are just from my first weak there.

Well I don't get to choose them all, as the entry level clerk types are pretty much "high test score+ veteran preference? You say you can work a computer? You want the job?" from our admin people. Yay Govt regulations! Still, training them isn't my problem, it'll be my supervisors. Who I do get to choose

And... wow, you got some 'great' troubleshooters there at Wal-Mart

[Enigma]

Twelve years ago I worked as a software tester for some small company. One day I literally had nothing to do, so the lead programmer\computer technician asked me to rebuild the company's printer server since the PSU blew out. I agreed and stripped it down and rebuilt it on another chassis that had a working PSU. I did that, then plugged it in, turned it on to make sure I got it right and I did. It was working like a charm.

The funny thing is, I turned it off and then unplugged it and brought it to the tech. He then plugs it in but I don't know what he did but he somehow blew out the replacement PSU.

[PainRack]

lol
Come on doc, I've got to pick up some milk and bread before I get home. Can you give me a better time line than that?

lol... Doctors can be even more amusing than us nurses sometime:D

Doctor: "Well, this fever has been there forever, he's already on all the available antibiotics, he doesn't look septic....."Scribbles in the notes " Just call me if his BP 90/60.. you know, shock."

When I read out her order to the next team of nurses, their combined response was "Do you think we're idiots?!?!?!?!"

[Knife]

Doctor: "Well, this fever has been there forever, he's already on all the available antibiotics, he doesn't look septic....."Scribbles in the notes " Just call me if his BP 90/60.. you know, shock."

When I read out her order to the next team of nurses, their combined response was "Do you think we're idiots?!?!?!?!"

Sad part of it is, yeah probably.

[Spyder]

Me, after arriving at one of our Government contract sites after hearing that the field services team is busy and unable to cope with the call volume.
"Ok, I'm here, what's the emergency?"

IT Contractor #1: Nah it's cool bro, we're under control.
ITC#2: Huh?
ITC#3: *picks nose*
ITC#4: *makes popping noise with his mouth.*
ITC#5: ...

Me: Ok, I'm going to go home now...
ITC#4: *pop*

Following week:
Boss: Any chance you could do some more work down there?
Me: Yes, but you should know that the last time I went there they had 5 contractors sitting around doing nothing. One of them was doing this
*makes popping noise with mouth*
Boss: *twitch* ... *twitch* ... On second thought, I think you're more valuable here.

========

My team: Can we have a licence for Admin Studio?
Accounts team: No, you guys aren't supposed to package, just deploy, packaging's Navin's job.
Us: Cool, *gives a couple of jobs to Navin*
Other management team: Hey, you guys can't give Navin anymore work. Do your own packaging!
Us: Ok, we can we have a licence for Admin Studio?
Other management team: If the accounts team approve it.
Accounts team: No.

========

How many of you IT guys working 1st, 2nd or 3rd level support have had to deal with this one in the past?

"Hello, before we begin my name is x and I have x experience." My usual first thought when I hear that is "oh fuck, here we go" as you can be sure the rest of the conversation will include :

*"I don't want my machine reimaged as it will take me 2 hours to install all my non standard software which exists because I applied for local admin access instead of going through the change procedure like everyone else."
*"No, don't reset my profile, I don't remember my login details the ftp server I need and will become incredibly angry at you because I rely on cached passwords."
*"No, the DHCP server I plugged in fucking things up for everyone else on the VLAN...oh one of your field services guys just showed up. Hey! He disconnected my server!...Oh, everything's back to normal...oh."

[Littlefoot]

I usualy assume their "20+ years" of experience is the equivelent to a third grader's crayon skills.

[Uraniun235]

I don't get people claiming past experience. I do get people telling me their husband works at Intel and is "good with computers". Yeah, okay, whatever.

[Spyder]

I usualy assume their "20+ years" of experience is the equivelent to a third grader's crayon skills.

I've had people quote that same number, sometimes more. It's like they think all those years they spent using punchcards will help determine why their PC won't convert PDFs.

[rhoenix]

A few from past jobs - mostly, users from my current job are fine; it's the servers & equipment that don't behave. For instance, normally about 4:30pm - 5:00pm on Fridays about half of our entire system goes down, and not on purpose. Mind you, I work for a health care organization, so "half the system going down" means no doctor or nurse can look up or chart patient information. Fun.

But, from years prior, when I worked for an ISP:

1. Why I never volunteer that I'm MCSA certified:

When I worked in Level 2 (Business Tech) support, I often dealt with Network managers, or people who thought they could pretend to be. Almost without fail, the ones who bragged about or brought up their credentials knew by far the least. As in, didn't know basics enough to be competent, and inspired many jokes around the department of "rubber-stamped MCSE's."

Me: "Alright, have you performed a traceroute to see where the packets are dropping off? "
NA (Network Admin): "Who the hell do you think you're talking to? I'm MCSE certified!"
Me: (suppressing the urge to groan) "Alright, could you open up the command prompt and test it for me?"
NA: "The what? Why do you want me in DOS?"
Me: "...No, the Command Prompt allows you to enter some commands that aren't easily performed graphically. In this case, I'd like you to..."
NA: "Nah, I can do this from the desktop. What did you need installed?"
Me: (humoring him, thinking he really does have a graphical tool for it) "Ok, run a traceroute against your router from your workstation here."
NA: "Ok, one sec."
(He puts the phone down, and I hear him walking away in the background - I think "wait, wtf?" He comes back about three minutes later...)
NA: "Yeah, it's about 24 feet."
(...oh, for fuck's sake...)
Me: "No, what I meant was that I wanted you to run a packet trace on the traffic from your computer to the router, which is most easily done with a traceroute."
(This ended up going on for about 45 minutes. He ended up being a headache for months, until he was apparently out for a day and a different guy called in.

New guy: "Hi yeah, I'm calling in about my slowness in throughput. It looks like my co-worker's been working on this for a while."
(I pull up the account, and wince)
Me: "Yeah, he has. I've spoken with him about this before actually; my hypothesis is a misconfigured router. I think it's hopping to odd places within his network before it finally hits the proper nodes."
New guy: "Oh! Well, let me run a traceroute. One sec..."
(Me: facepalms. The new guy had the issue solved in 7 minutes, all because he'd made the big scary DOS window his friend.)

2. Mr. Super-Paranoia
(This guy called in every once in a while; normally when he got a new computer, again, because he was convinced that either a) the government; b) aliens; or c) a combination thereof had somehow "hacked" his computer. Every time he called us, he told the person he spoke with at length about his ninja special op life of avoiding either the government (while calling from a landline at a house - good work there), or space aliens. By the time this call happened, he was a case study for new techs about the...odd ones we get.

MSP (Mr. Super-paranoia): "...Now, I unplug my modem right after I'm done using it, so the government can't hack my computer while I'm sleeping. I only sleep 4 hours a night, but 4 hours can be a long time."
(...Particularly on dialup. I kept this comment to myself)
Me: "Well, that sounds like prudence. What do you do about satellites?"
MSP: "..." *click*

I felt bad, since we never heard from him ever again. I got the dubious honor of helping The NWO and space aliens of all species and creeds finally capture Mr. Super-Paranoia. And I didn't get a cent as a reward, either.

[Garlak]

I wish I could remember stories like these....

Typical situation at work:

Customer: I need my email password, I've lost it.
Me: I'll print out a letter with your user information and send it in email
Customer: Can't you tell me on the phone?
Me: Sorry, passwords are telecommunications data and we aren't allowed to divulge that over the phone.
Customer: Give my goddamn password or I'll call your superior and have you fired!
Me: *switches to a less friendly tone of voice* I can't do that and neither can he-
Customer: I'm not interested! I'll call the media and write to the papers and your superior and get you fired!
Me: *no-more-mr-niceguy voice* The LAW forbids me from divulging your password and if I do, I'll be instantly fired. With that being the case, how exactly are you going to persuade me?
Customer: *mumble-grumble*
Me: You'll get the letter in 2-3 days. Thanks for calling and have a nice day! *click*

The variations on this one are endless. Fortunately that usually shuts the assholes up real quicklike. They wouldn't stick their neck out for anyone that way, so they usually recognize when they are fighting a losing battle. And those regs are in place for a good reason. Otherwise anybody could fish for whatever information and use that to track down and harm people they had a grudge against. If the customer doesn't say it to us first, we give them nothing. They don't like that, they can fuck off. All it takes is one psychotic ex-boyfriend getting his ex's new address info and you potentially have an innocent dead person.

I was wondering how you were going to print out a letter and then send it by email. And the guy was asking for his email password. Which you would give him by sending a piece of paper to his email. Then I realized it must've been a typo--what difference a letter makes...

Maybe you really should have offered to send him the password via email after his tantrum!

[Themightytom]

I'm pretty sure you can't email it either.