French Military History, Sorta....

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Sokar
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French Military History, Sorta....

Postby Sokar » 2003-02-08 12:41pm

Got this from "Ernies House of Whoop-ass!" http://www.ehowa.com/ Thought we might all enjoy it :D

"So the French still aren't on board with us kicking Iraq's ass. Oh boo hoo. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"

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Postby HemlockGrey » 2003-02-08 01:02pm

Oh God, that's so damned funny...
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Postby Ted » 2003-02-08 01:07pm

So true though.
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Postby NecronLord » 2003-02-08 01:31pm

:roll: The french came out of the thrirty years war as a major power, having gone in as a minor power. :roll:
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Postby ArmorPierce » 2003-02-08 01:46pm

LoL, so true, so true
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Postby Soulman » 2003-02-08 04:18pm

The French fought well in WW1, they weren't saved by th US either. The Germans were already losing when the US came along, they just sped it up...

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Postby Ted » 2003-02-08 04:24pm

Soulman wrote:The French fought well in WW1, they weren't saved by th US either. The Germans were already losing when the US came along, they just sped it up...


As well, the French actually saved the yankees ass in the Revolution. Why else would La Fayette be regarded as a hero by Americans if he hadn't saved their hide from tanning.
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Postby Darth Yoshi » 2003-02-08 04:36pm

NecronLord wrote::roll: The french came out of the thrirty years war as a major power, having gone in as a minor power. :roll:

Isn't that happened to the US during the Spanish-American War?
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Postby Ted » 2003-02-08 05:43pm

Darth Yoshi wrote:
NecronLord wrote::roll: The french came out of the thrirty years war as a major power, having gone in as a minor power. :roll:

Isn't that happened to the US during the Spanish-American War?


Basically, though Spain wasn't much of a power to start with.
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Postby General G » 2003-02-08 06:30pm

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.


So true.
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Postby HemlockGrey » 2003-02-08 09:35pm

Basically, though Spain wasn't much of a power to start with.


Which is probably why they got plastered, and the US emerged as a new power. :roll:
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Postby Sea Skimmer » 2003-02-08 09:49pm

HemlockGrey wrote:Oh God, that's so damned funny...


And yet so very very stupid
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Postby Frank Hipper » 2003-02-08 09:50pm

As well, the French actually saved the yankees ass in the Revolution. Why else would La Fayette be regarded as a hero by Americans if he hadn't saved their hide from tanning.
The name that should be remembered in the U.S. is De Grasse, not Lafayette. It was De Grasse's victory at the Battle of the Cheasepeake that led directly to Cornwallis's surrender.

The French fought well in WW1, they weren't saved by th US either. The Germans were already losing when the US came along, they just sped it up...
The British were three weeks away from losing the unrestricted U-boat war when Admiral William Sims arrive in London in April 1917. Had Britain fell, France would have lost, as well.
The German spring offensive of 1918 nearly won the war for Germany.
The French provided admirable canon fodder, and fought bravely, but the Allies were not close to winnig until American numbers made their presence felt.
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Postby Sokar » 2003-02-09 12:00am

Sea Skimmer wrote:
HemlockGrey wrote:Oh God, that's so damned funny...


And yet so very very stupid


Oh lighten the fuck up.......it was supposed to be amusing, not a serious discussion on French history or their achievements(or lack of).
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Postby Sea Skimmer » 2003-02-09 12:02am

Sokar wrote:
Sea Skimmer wrote:
HemlockGrey wrote:Oh God, that's so damned funny...


And yet so very very stupid


Oh lighten the fuck up.......it was supposed to be amusing, not a serious discussion on French history or their achievements(or lack of).


Go to hell. I'm sick of the rampant French bashing, or more particularly there military. People invariably have political problems with the French government, and deiced that the deaths of millions of French soldiers, be in it wars of conquest or defense are just a big joke as are those of millions more who died fighting them.
"This cult of special forces is as sensible as to form a Royal Corps of Tree Climbers and say that no soldier who does not wear its green hat with a bunch of oak leaves stuck in it should be expected to climb a tree"
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Postby Sokar » 2003-02-09 01:09am

Sea Skimmer wrote:
Sokar wrote:
Sea Skimmer wrote:
HemlockGrey wrote:Oh God, that's so damned funny...


And yet so very very stupid


Oh lighten the fuck up.......it was supposed to be amusing, not a serious discussion on French history or their achievements(or lack of).


Go to hell. I'm sick of the rampant French bashing, or more particularly there military. People invariably have political problems with the French government, and deiced that the deaths of millions of French soldiers, be in it wars of conquest or defense are just a big joke as are those of millions more who died fighting them.


Oh jeeze......Skimmer , are you immune to humor oh wet blankety throwing one ? I in my heart of hearts in no way marginalize the bravery, elan and feats of French Soildery theough out the ages, but I still reserve the right to hack on the French!! Why do you ask , because they currently annoy the hell out of me! It is one of my fondest wishes that all the wars and suffering could be undone, but I also wish The Black Prince hadn't gotten sick, and he had slit the Frogs throats after Poitiers while they were down!! Then they would all be nice English speaking subjects of the Queen rather than French :D
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Postby Necro99 » 2003-02-09 01:32am

You know what?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
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Postby weemadando » 2003-02-09 01:41am

Necro99 wrote:You know what?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!


Flames ahoy!
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Postby Master of Ossus » 2003-02-09 01:46am

Well, it is pretty funny. And I love the clock that he has for sale.
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Postby Sea Skimmer » 2003-02-09 01:49am

Sokar wrote:
Sea Skimmer wrote:
Sokar wrote:
Sea Skimmer wrote:
HemlockGrey wrote:Oh God, that's so damned funny...


And yet so very very stupid


Oh lighten the fuck up.......it was supposed to be amusing, not a serious discussion on French history or their achievements(or lack of).


Go to hell. I'm sick of the rampant French bashing, or more particularly there military. People invariably have political problems with the French government, and deiced that the deaths of millions of French soldiers, be in it wars of conquest or defense are just a big joke as are those of millions more who died fighting them.


Oh jeeze......Skimmer , are you immune to humor oh wet blankety throwing one ?


No actually. I'm merely sick of the recent surge in French military bashing and the moron behind it.
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Postby phongn » 2003-02-09 01:52am

weemadando wrote:
Necro99 wrote:You know what?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!


Flames ahoy!


You know, I swear you wrote "Chips Ahoy!" there...
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Postby Sokar » 2003-02-09 01:55am

Wow *tries to find singed eyebrows*, the board is certainly touchy today.......
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