StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Part of my job is making certified copies of Death Certificates, using a Konax copier that does a few tricks to make the copies OFFICIAL. There's two of them in the office, one for us Registrars, one for the FrontOffice staff.

The Registrars' copier started leaving streaks on the Official Certified Certificates, so we called the cleaner. However, as he's got the copier taken apart, I still have to make certified copies. Thus, I enter the Vault, where the FrontOffice copier awaits.

Like any office, no two copiers are set up alike. Both copiers are set up exactly for the divisions 'owning' them. This is a disadvantage when I'm trying to make 12 copies for a funeral home director waiting out in the Front Lobby for the copies. The certificates come out of the FrontOffice copier Upside Down on the certified paper --everything's on the right side, just turned 180* from where it should be. My aesthics are screaming, but the certificates are still perfectly legal. It's what happens next that I'll have nightmares over, as I walk off and leave the Original Certificates beside the copier.

What I didn't know is that the FrontOffice ladies working the Vault were putting their "Paperwork to Shred" on that table as well. At this point, I'd walked back to my cubical, already mentally gone onto the next task. Back in the Vault, one of the ladies finally has the time to start Shredding the Paperwork, and starts on the pile on the table....


Five minutes or less, and she's walking into my cubical. "Did you leave these on my shred pile?"
Me: "OMG!"
Her: "I thought so. You're lucky I realized what they were. (TheSupervisor) would have beat you."
Me: "Forget (my supervisor)... SIRBOSS would have kicked me out of the STATE!"

Crew mates discussing a particular director and his weird-ass interview practices -

Crew Mate #1: So then he gets right in my face, I mean, right up in my face, and starts asking, 'Do you want to hit me? You want to hit me, don't you? Come on, do you think you could take me?'

Crew Mate #2: I don't know...I mean, I'm a pretty small guy...and he's pretty big...

Me: Guys, it's simple - you just punch him in the throat with your full weight behind it, while he's still asking. I mean, really, who the hell wants to roll the dice on a fair fight? (this particular director also happens to be quite a bit bigger than I am, too).

Crew Mate #2: Yeah...but then, is he going to want to hire you?

Me: Maybe, maybe not - but you'll have his respect!

*edit* I just wanted to mention that in fact I do not suggest that anybody actually throw a punch like that, 'with their full weight behind it' - I like the feeling of the phrase but in fact the force of your punch (jab or straight, that is) should come from the rotation of your hips and shoulders and the extension of your arm, with your weight centered over your feet. If you were to try and increase your hitting power by putting your full body's weight behind it, you might deliver some additional force but at the expense of overbalancing, probably having to step forward and into whatever your opponent chooses to throw your way.

don't know if this belongs here or the politically incorrect section

our sea food provider unloads several cases of "Gulf Coast Shrimp.
Me: So how do you plan to remove the oil from them?
Chef: What Oil?, therse are still live in their shells
Storeroom: He means the big BP oil spill.
Chef: Glares at both of us.

So I'm designing a bunch of technical crapola to festoon a navy ship set for this movie we're making. And the Assistant Art Director walks by my desk - Hey, Karl, what are you doing? Are you doing Japanese destroyer stuff?

Me: Yeah. I think I'm turning Japanese. I really think so.

Assistant Art Director: Uh...I'll just get away from your desk, then...

setting: I'm baiting traps with choclate and peanut butter at work.

Chef: Colin what do you do when you catch them?
Me: I put them in a biodegradable to go box, which I sometime lable "rat or mouse coffin" and drop the lot into the compost dumpster.
Busser: They biodegrade?
Chef: of course they do
Busser so If I dumped a dead body in the compost dumpster
Me: in a week the rangers wouldn't be able to tell cause of death.
Chef: no talking like that, people might starting to get ideas....

In the technical-books section of a big electronics and software retailer -

Hey, this 'Maya for Dummies' book is too hard for me. Do you have 'Maya for Fucking Idiots?'

I work as a bed and bedroom furniture salesman. The startling thing is, for the most part are either completely clueless or worse, completely clueless but the have been on the internet "researching".....

Something that happens alot.

Me: morning sir, what can I help you with?

Customer: Do you sell beds?
(he is standing between two rows of the damm things)

Me:Certainly do sir, what do you need specifically? A frame and mattress or a divan with draws?

Cust:eh...a nice one.

Me: Ok, how about this ( show him a leather frame)

Cust:wow! £399.99 for the whole bed!

Me: Sorry sir the price is just for the frame...

Cust: eh?

Me: We give you the option of picking any matt, they are priced up independently, you can select any matt to go on any frame...

Cust: Thats Disgusting

Me: Im sorry?

Cust: You only price the frame, is that not misleading?

Me: Not when I've mentioned it early on sir, and the ticket clearly states that......

Cust: Alright Thanks! (about turns and walks out).

That was a general example I get a few variations on that theme a month.

Me: Computer service shop, how may I help you?

Somebody: Hi, have I reached a computer service shop?

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Alternatively, another usual thing:

Me: We give a three month guarantee on the repair job

Somebody: Yes, but will it work for a year or not?

Email exchange back and forth with foreign customer's helpdesk/incident team:

Mails from me addressed to customer's incident manager and their entire team. Mails from them addressed to their own team, the incident manager and me.

Foreign Customer: "Can you please explain why this line has been going up and down six times per day?

Me: *checks logs* "It's been up for a week continuously, apart from a scheduled electricity blackout for a few hours at <date>"

Foreign Customer: "Blackout is over, but we're still getting reports of the line going up and down, please check."

Me: "Well, when? Dates, times, duration, that sort of thing?"

Foreign Customer: "Please check log from yesterday in this email."

The date is [D]. The timestamps on the log are [D -4 months].

Me: "You have GOT to be kidding me! [Explanation of both variants of everything that is wrong with the situation]"

*email from customer's incident manager, addressed only to me*

CIM: "Lol, yes, uh, and that's our specialist team..."


Indeed. Welcome to the joys of dealing with tech support outsourced to the Third World. My boss and coworkers laughed their ass off when those timestamps came to light. Yessir, the problem is most definitely in the connection when all the devices attached to it and syncing to who knows what systems are misconfigured to fuck and off by four months. Can't possibly cause any problems with anything...

Me: Happy Bastille Day!

Crewmate: It's Bastille Day?

Me: Yeah, let's go storm something!

Crewmate: How about Stage Six?

Me: Let's GO!

I really just have to feel sorry for this poor elderly lady who called asking about her daughter's death certificate.

Her: I just got my daughter's certificate, and I have a few questions on it
Me, thinking this was going to be the typical call: Of course ma'am. What's the questions?
Her: On this cause of death... what does 'Presumed" mean?
Me, blinking in surprised: It means 'to the best of their knowledge'
Her, rambling on more about things on the certificate, which I find out quickly was an Medical Examiner's Case: But why are they saying she died of Organ Failure! It was the brain swelling that killed her!
Me, in territory I don't have answers for: You'd have to ask the ME about that, ma'am.
Her, rambling more about the cause of death as listed, and getting more upset/whiny about it: But she was ok until the brain swelling hit her breathing and heart center!
Me, referring her five times to the ME: I'm sorry ma'am, we can only put on there what the ME tells us.
Her: Well, I don't know why they put Cocaine on here -- my daughter only tried it once, two days before she died!
Me:
Her: And this Percocet? Her doctor gave her that for pain!

I gave her the ME's number, and managed not to break down into WTFLOL Giggles until after I'd hung up.
But OMG... "She only tried it Once!"

Today

Me: So who wants to clean the walk ins?
crew: *looks at me dumb like* Not me (in unison)
Me: Come on!, you get to spend a half an hour in the Fridges

Signing in at the front desk of VT Communications in Rampisham (they handle the broadcast of BBC World Service amongst other things) to check out a malfunctioning airconditioning unit in the main operation room (nice place, beige everything with reinforced structure and a Faraday cage built into the walls, means the office can't reach me on my mobile when I'm in there )
Unfortunately they have a new MD who just loves his paperwork now means it takes longer to fill out all the forms than it does to actually do the job.

Me: Okay that's the legalese dealt with, your risk assessment form filled in and our risk assessment form done, you're satisfied that my COSHH hazardous waste certification is valid and up to date, everythings signed and dated .... I think that's all the paperwork done.

Terry: Looks like, just got to run you through the emergency procedures you already know, if there's a fire the alarm will sound it's a loud continuous ringing, if you hear that use the nearest exit and go to the assembly area, basically it's by that old nose cone in the car park, same as last time, if there's a fault with one of the transmitters the main alarm will sound ...

BOOOOMM

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP

... which sounds just like that. Can you go to the operations room and wait there.

Me: Not a problem, let me know when it's safe to come out.

Busser: What does that mean? *points to little card on the soda machine over the Mnt. Dew, saying that "Sorry Dew is Out of Order"
Manager: just what it says

Call center stuff split to here.

Going over reference photos of a USN vessel's Captain's Quarters with a Construction Foreman -

Him: My God, look at this mess! The guy's a total slob!

Me: That's Captain slob to you, pal.

Me: answering phones: "Soup Kitchen and Shelters, how can i help you?"
Caller: "oh uhhh, hey Tom, I must have dialed the wrong number... how are you?"
Me: "I...am... well, wait you DON'T need anything from us?"
Caller: "No I mis dialed."
Me: "You... ____ From City Welfare... Don't Need us...then tto answer your question, I'm Great! We Did It! We Ended homelessness! Everywhere, Forever! Now I can pursue my dream to become a male model!"
Caller: "Well probably hold off on that..."
Me: "..."
Caller: "...in case homeless makes a come back of course."
Me: "oooooof course..."

Discussing transexuals with my friend and his doctor GF

Me: so going the other way from female to male, do they actually build
Doc: yes, they surgically construct all the genitals so you have a penis, scrotum and testicles
Me: how do they make the testicles?
Doc: that's a good question, I can look it up if you really want to know
Friend: Ah, that's ok...but the penis, is it functional?
Doc: Yes, it's functional and capable of an erection
Me: Wow, that's pretty impressive
Doc: it's not really though, they use a pump to inflate the penis for an erection
Friend: so it's like one of those Rebok pump shoes from the 90's, "hold on girl, I gotta pump it up!" <ffftt> <ffftt> <ffftt> <ffftt> "alright, it's ready! We can do it now!"

very tomboyish woman approches the counter with a baby in her arms.

Me: hello ladies, and welcome to-
Her: How do you assume that my child is a girl?!
Me: Well while babies are pretty hard to tell the gender of the all pink outfit, pierced ears, and the disney princess bib were what made me think that.

she than proceeded to get angry with another woman about the same age.

L is an attractive woman. One day, while at the front desk, L gets bored and decides to start washing the windows surrounding the desk. Because the window's go up quite high, L decides to stand up on the desk to wash them.

D (male) gets asked to page someone over the PA system, which is just a little bit behind where L is standing.

So D heads over to the to the PA system, and just before he's about to speak into it, says to another co-worker "I'm getting kind of distracted by L's ass. Who was I supposed to page again?"

Suddenly, everyone around the front desk starts laughing their asses off. Turns out when D said that, he forgot that he had already turned on the PA system, so it caught his every word and spread it throughout the building of over 100 people.

Yeah, did I ever mention that my place of work is one big sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen? The only thing stopping it is the women are worse than the men. For the rest of the day, L continually played along with the joke by shaking her ass in front of D.

Nurses are superstitious. Period.

Regarding a critically ill patient
"Anyway, he'll last through to morning. Its ok."
"Don't be so sure, you have _____ over there."
As the bunch of us turn over to look at said nurse, I go and grab his ass and ask "Are you sure you're wearing red underwear? You're going to need it!"

There's a bunch of people one should never work with, and that includes the guy who has to send somebody to the morgue 4 nights in a row.

Here's dumb customer moment for the day. I was sitting at my desk at the bank branch I work at.
One our tellers is trying to convince a woman to get a cashiers check instead of withdrawing a large sum of
cash from her account for her safety and security.

Teller: Ma'am I recommend you buy a cashiers check since it a safer way to transfer money than carrying large sums of cash.

Customer: Why don't you have enough money in your vault?

Teller: I would need to check our vault to see if we have enough cash to give you. (We are a small community bank that doesn't keep large sums of cash in our bank)

Customer: Don't you have thousand dollar bills sitting in your vault, can't you give me some of those?

Teller: No Ma'am we don't have any thousand dollar bills, they have not made any of those for some 50 years.

Customer: Oh, well give me a cashiers check then.

What an idiot!

unpacking a dozen giant martini glasses for the bar infront of coustomers
Me: Ok, one for Frank, one for Dean, one for sammy, another glass for dean, here's one for Joey Bishop, yet another for Martin, One more for the chairman of the board, None for peter lawford because he cheated on a Kennedy, So Dean takes that one.....

Clients arguing in waiting room as usual.
both have master's degrees one in business management, the other in er.. campus ministry...
kind of hard finding leads for him...

Client 1 "Dude I had to go look that word up, what are you an intellectual elitist?"
Client 2 "Sorry my mom promised me a dollar every time i use an SAT word"
Client 1 "Well I have a HUGE vocabulary I just don't use big words that often out of common courtesy."
Client 2 "Wow do you have a second dick there too?"
Client 1 "Woah padre woaaaah wouldn't you like to know..."

contractor #1: We need to know what's behind these walls no one knows whats there
Me: most likely the bodies of the people who were entombed in this building way back when.
all the contractors laughed at that one.