Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[LadyTevar]

There was a "Meet the New Head of DHHR" gathering today, and the State Medical Examiners stopped by Vital Registration on their way there. One of the MEs is a very large gentleman, who often jokes with my supervisor about 'getting into fights' over what's on the various Death Certificates we have to call about.

Thus, he pauses to ask me, "Where's G--?"
I point down the short hallway, towards the other side of the room where our desks are.
He strides the short distance down the hall to where the room widens out into Cubical Hell, and bellows "G--! Ready for a Fight?!"
"YEAH! Let's Go!" is the quieter answer.
The ME jumped like a scalded cat, as G-- happened to be standing no more than 5ft from him, hidden from the hallway by a co-worker's cube. I'm surprised that much flesh could jump that high.

[Losonti Tokash]

"Now, the most important thing to remember when you have a patient who is vomiting is to point him away from yourself, preferably at your partner."

Me (jokingly): So, I heard you set a patient on fire once.
Instructor (dead serious): Oh, you heard about that one, huh?
Me: Wait, that really happened!?
Instructor: Yeah, I learned a pretty important lesson about undershirts that day.

[The Spartan]

Defibrillator?

[Losonti Tokash]

Yep. Did manage to pull the guy out of v-tach so it was obviously worth it but that's still the sort of thing that can get you sued.

[Geoff-H]

A couple good ones from my summer job as a concessions person. To get this first one, understand I'm 17 and look 15ish.

Customer: Hello there, I'd like a cup of coffe with a shot of Jack D. in it please.
Me: Well sir, seeing as it's a dry stand I'll cut you a deal. I'll supply the coffee, and you supply the whisky *outside* the city park.
Customer: Darn, just the coffee then.

*********
Customer: I'd like a super nacho please.
*I glance towards my partner who shrugs*
Me: Ok then, 4.50 please.
*Money and food are exchanged*
-Two minutes later the medic enters-
Medic: I can't believe you just did that. Selling a heart attack to an already severely obese women on oxygen.
Me: I know, I think we should start passing out waivers with them.

*************
Woman: Hi can I get a water cup for my kid?
Me: Sure, 1.50's the cheapest I got
Woman: Thats ridiculous...
*Woman than turns picks her water bottle up and proceeds to walk away*

[Simplicius]

"These mashed potatoes are over-whipped."
"They're instant."

[Themightytom]

Homeless Client 1 "F(*k you you stupid little Hobbit!"
Client 2 "Oh I'm a hobbit? I guess that msut be where I get my love of good tilled earth and things that grow"
Client 1 "What?"
Client 2 "Its from the movie dude."
Client 1 "Oh I never watched them, i just know the hobbits are the skinny vampire dudes that shoot arrows."

Elf fail

[LadyTevar]

Ah... the joys of working with Birth and Death Certificates...

Me, signing Births: Aww.. listen to this baby's name: Lorelei Isabella. Isn't that pretty?
My supervisor, signing Deaths: This man was named Hung How.
Co-worker, after a moment of quiet: Shouldn't that be "How Hung"?

Insert several minutes of female chatter and jokes on the subject.

[mr friendly guy]

More arguments with payroll

Me : I don't believe I got paid my penalties for working a weekend.
Them : thats because you already worked overtime so you are at over time rate.
Me : But that means if I worked the saturday in the first week I would have got paid more.

(since if I worked the saturday in the first week I would get penalties, and overtime will kick in while i am working weekdays which have no penalties anyway).

Them : you don't lose penalties. You just get paid overtime rate so its the same. (actually I did lose the penalty, but I also gain overtime, a subtle difference which will come into play later, but they are too stupid to realise).

Me : no its not. Just put it in your computer and the numbers will be different.
Them : repeat same thing.
Me : No because if overtime comes in on a day where I have no penalties I won't lose it but still gain over time.
Them : repeat same thing
Me : By the way you calculate things you will get different numbers simply because the saturday is worked on the first week as opposed to the second.

Them (in self righteous tone) : Its not how we calculate it, its the award.

1) actually its not true. I just looked. Its not in the award.
2) it was never calculated in that manner before until the government centralise payroll
3) the same person has blatantly said before to me they are ignoring the contract (when they can't twist out of it because its explicitly states so, so you will forgive me if I refer to it as "you" rather than the award, because quite frankly they can't be trusted).

This went on until I gave up. The problem is, these people are so reliant on computers they can't think for themselves, so they only use talk points and can't apply the logic. Its asinine when people working the same hours on the same type of days for the same rate can paid differently. They already admit it happens if leave cuts in between paydays, but this is stupid when its in the same pay period.

God, I wish I could not turn up to work and still get paid. Sure its not in the contract, but if payroll refuses to play ball, I wish I could do the same.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Housekeeper: hey your no longer wearing that santa claus get up. Did they stop that part of the dresscode?
Me: nope, supply just ran out of those awful beard nets.
Housekeeper: and you had nothing to do with it?
Me: nope too obvious, I think it was night crew that threw them out, more guys with beards on the night shift and less management supervision.

[Themightytom]

I'm working on a masters in non profit management (When I can't get into the courses I need for the masters in mental health counseling)

This is a paraphrased excerpt from our discusssion board:
Excerpt from my online grad course

Tom: A program manager needs to balance first hand observation and current program priorities with data collected via long term observation anjd data collection tools
Scott: With respect tom a progam management would according to the text maintain "a dashboard of all program activity." Consulting this dsahboard of evaluation would provide all the information you need in a regualted matter, purely subjective observation would be a distraction."
Amy: "Excellent post Scott, you have succinctly encapsulated a program manager's role. I am curious as to what a dashboard is? In reading the book I could not find it in the glossary"
Scott "To be honest I am not sure mysef. I assumed it was some sort of online interface tool."
Tom: It was a metaphor for the thing you glance at to check your engine status, speed and fuel level in your car. Which is why I posted on the need for balancing planned evaluation with on the spot awareness, because per Scott's proposal he can apparently drive by instrument reading and the giant window on his car is a constant nuisance??? "

[Larz]

This is after several minutes of trying my best to ascertain exactly what this individual wanted which was made a fair bit harder by the fact that I do believe they were totally smashed.

Patient on Phone: "Imagine that you have a plate in your head and someone wants to take an MRI of you when it could rip your face off and they lost your medical records and... *remove a fair bit of ranting*... what would you do?"
Me (deadpan): "I'm sorry ma'am, I'm not that imaginative."
Patient on Phone: "Oh..."

[Sheridan]

Customer 1: "So, which side of the pizza has the spit on it?"
Me:
Customer 2: "Don't worry about him;" (the other customer), "he's just trying to see how much of a dick he can be."
Me:

I had to try really hard to avoid saying, "Neither, but it can be added upon request." At least the idiot's date had some idea of how much of an asshat he was being.


This second one requires some explanation. My restaurant closes at 22:00, and we had a table come in at about 21:15 on a very slow night. They ordered deep dish pizza, which take between twenty-two and thirty minutes to cook. One of the customers at the table was an acquaintance of mine. She had gone to use the restroom and passed me in the hall at about 21:55.

Customer: "So, when do you guys get out of here?"
Me (grinning): "After you do."

Fortunately, she found it amusing rather than insulting.

[The Yosemite Bear]

about a year ago the one of the big chefs miswrote the the lable o the Pulled pork

instead of Day long cooked pulled pork
he wrote "Long Pork"
me and others "So who are we serving for sandwhiches at the bar this week?"

[Punarbhava]

I work as a customer service rep for directv. Phone stuff.

Old woman: *accidentally changed the input on her tv and is now getting snowy screen* "I can't see my show!"
Me: "Okay ma'am, it sounds like you've adjusted the input on your tv. You need to get it back to the correct input. On your remote control, please press the tv input button on the top-left of the remote."
Old woman: *starts pressing buttons on the phone* "It's not working!"
Me:

[Kanastrous]

Director explaining to the Art Department what he's looking for visuals-wise in the alien ships we're designing:

The ship should look like it's gonna kick you in the fucking face.

[hunter5]

Volunteer Tax preparer for the Navy.

We had a couple come in and show us the tax form for their daughter's college tuition only for us to find that the daughter had gotten a scholarship that paid for all of her bill and was just pocketing her parents money

[Mayabird]

So, I was calling up this dealership to see why they hadn't grounded this one car (in this case, it just means the dealership takes official responsibility for a returned lease and also notifying us to send an inspector and send the thing to auction) since it apparently had been returned in December. The customer's name was a guy named Richard Kidd. I call and ask/get transferred around, trying to see if anyone knows anything about this car, and finally come across this one guy in the finance department.

Me: Blah blah blah info about car and customer.
Finance guy: (a pause, then -) "I know those keys! I saw them the other day on the lease returns rack. The tag on them said 'Rich Kid.' I thought it was a joke."

We both cracked up. About the funniest thing that had happened at work all month.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Busser: The Machine is broke again!?!
Me: yeah the good news is that the safety valve worked as planned and the night crew only blew out the gasket and the plastic/rubber pipes not anything dangerous when they pushed the machine too hard.
Busser: so if not having an explosion is the good news, what's the bad news.
Me: none of the night crew were injured.

[Kanastrous]

Spent yesterday in San Diego scouting aboard CVN-76 USS Ronald Reagan. The officer giving us the $5 tour on the flight deck was talking about launch procedures and hand-signals by the catapult guys, etc -

"So the pilot has a handle about here -" (raises right hand to illustrate) " - that he grabs onto, just like in your SUV...oh, hang on, I bet you guys all drive Priuses, don't you? Well, that's okay, I drive one myself."

[Mayabird]

Not really a conversation, just something I overheard, another person taking a call and having to say this to the customer. I almost wish I knew the context, though I know it would be quite painful if I did. All I know is that it somehow involved car leasing.

"Sir, you are not a church. You are an individual."

[LadyTevar]

I do wish people would learn to dial phone numbers correctly. 5 calls so far.

"Hello, I need extend my unemployment..."
"Sorry, sir, this is Vital Registration."
"You're not Unemployment?!"

"Hello! I need to get a copy of form (trails off into a form I'd never heard of before)"
"Ma'am, this is the Vital Registration office. I deal with birth and death certificates."
"Oh... *click*"

"Hello, I need to find a marriage from 1977?"
"Let me transfer you to the Customer service office, ma'am"
"Oh, but can't you do it? I've been transferred everywhere today!"
"I'm sorry ma'am, I deal with the newborns and newly departed."
"... Oh... OH... *laughter* Ok, I'm neither, please transfer me"
(I was nice, I gave her direct numbers to my office and to the Customer Service Supervisor before I transfered her.)

[Onearmdude]

I am a tutor part-time at my college for History and English. Last week, a Junior assigned to my department emailed me a 6 page paper and asked me to proof-read it. My head hurt after spending an hour going through gems like:

"We teach our students to be socially and responsible."
"Our students are felt welcomed and cherished."
"It is clear and concise instructions on various topics."
"We want feedback if their needs to be any approving."

[Kanastrous]

Was this student's native language English? It reads almost as though the words are being assembled according to a different language's rules...

...or maybe I just don't want to believe that there are native writers that inept...

[RIPP_n_WIPE]

This one was of my instigation. I couldn't help myself.

So I'm in the d-fac and I see a guy who's name tape says "Ketchum".

Me: Hey can I ask you a quick question.
Him: Sure.
Me: You wouldn't happen to have any relatives named Ash would you?
Him: (face like I'm an idiot): Nope, sure don't.
Me: Okay (lauging). Thanks.