NFL 2012

[Elfdart]

This one wins the thread:

The average Steeler fan looks like they should be on a "Faces Of Meth" poster.

[Tsyroc]

Oh, speaking of scumbags:

The one on the Steelers was excellent. The guy did them or is doing them for all the teams. So far I've read the one on the Cardinals (pretty good/accurate but too short) and the one on the Packers, which was nearly as good as the Pittsburgh one.

[Thanas]

The Ravens one doesn't have any real heart in it.

But Chris Kluwe responded to the one on the vikings (http://deadspin.com/5936898/why-your-te ... Sucks-2012) in a masterful manner

[Elfdart]

This one about the Dolphins would kill poor Chardok:

Passing on Mike Tomlin for a guy whose parents named him Cam Cameron. This douche was fired from the football powerhouse Indiana for shitting down his leg.

We are Cleveland with a beach.

Brian Hartline has worse legs than the horses on "Luck".

The one for the Cleveland Browns is the purest comedy gold I've seen in a long time.

[Thanas]

The one about the saints is great, as is the one about the Bears. Oh, and the one about the Bengals.

But the Panthers one takes the cake for best opener ever.
http://deadspin.com/5933250/why-your-te ... Sucks-2012

[Thanas]

Bucs:

Reason Three - Our (very expensive, young) defensive line looks like the Crimea in 1854. Torn biceps, torn triceps, torn achilles, and even experimental surgeries like, in the case of the poor, beleaguered Brian Price, reattaching the hamstring to the pelvis with screws. Fucking ouch. I tried looking up the last time the Bucs had a player with double digit sacks, but I'm not trained as a nineteenth-century historian so I'm unable to research that far back.

[Flagg]

Bucs:

Reason Three - Our (very expensive, young) defensive line looks like the Crimea in 1854. Torn biceps, torn triceps, torn achilles, and even experimental surgeries like, in the case of the poor, beleaguered Brian Price, reattaching the hamstring to the pelvis with screws. Fucking ouch. I tried looking up the last time the Bucs had a player with double digit sacks, but I'm not trained as a nineteenth-century historian so I'm unable to research that far back.

That's not as bad as them practicing with the Cheatriots.

[Thanas]

Read the chargers one yet Elfdart?

[Alferd Packer]

Bucs:

Reason Three - Our (very expensive, young) defensive line looks like the Crimea in 1854. Torn biceps, torn triceps, torn achilles, and even experimental surgeries like, in the case of the poor, beleaguered Brian Price, reattaching the hamstring to the pelvis with screws. Fucking ouch. I tried looking up the last time the Bucs had a player with double digit sacks, but I'm not trained as a nineteenth-century historian so I'm unable to research that far back.

I also loved the Schiano rant. "Yes, let's grab a middle-of-the-road coach from the crappiest conference in the FBS (save the mid-majors). He'll save us!" I don't blame Schiano for going--if the NFL comes calling, you answer--but Christ, he coached during one stellar year, and that was mainly due to Ray Rice.

[Elfdart]

Read the chargers one yet Elfdart?

It was disappointing -just like the Chargers. The team is never good enough to arouse envy and hatred, yet it's also never quite bad enough to be the laughingstock of pro football.

The best part was calling Rivers Marmalard, which would make AJ Smith Dean Wormer -which fits him to a T since both Smith and Wormer like to play the strongman, yet neither accomplishes anything other than being a blowhard and getting humiliated. Hey AJ, how many times has your team gone to the playoffs since dicking over Vincent Jackson and cutting Tomlinson?

[weemadando]

The Ravens one doesn't have any real heart in it.

But Chris Kluwe responded to the one on the vikings (http://deadspin.com/5936898/why-your-te ... Sucks-2012) in a masterful manner

I don't know, the "Billy Cundiff should fucking hang himself but would miss kicking the stool out from under himself" certainly had some feeling to it.

[Thanas]

Considering Cundiff probably just lost his job not that funny.

[weemadando]

Yeah, looks like he was cut as of about 20 mins ago from news stories.

Not at all shocking. Someone has to be the scapegoat and the kicker is always convenient and easily replaced.

[Thanas]

He wasn't a scapegoat. Nobody blamed him for that loss, neither the team nor the org.


But Justin Tucker was much much better all through preseason. That guy hits 50+ yarders with room to spare and even hit a 63 yarder. Also, has never missed a 4th quarter kick throughout his career and is comfortable with kicking in front of 100k+ people as that is all he has done through college.

[Thanas]

But wait, what news sources say Cundiff was cut already? Can't find any confirmation.

[weemadando]

Google headline when I searched for him... Maybe the article has been updated since?

[Thanas]

The headline says "Billy Cundiff's time with Ravens could be over".

[Thanas]

And now he has been cut. Godspeed.

[Thanas]

Oh, and Braylon Edwards beat out T.O.

[Flagg]

Not a huge shock considering how he was phoning it in and apparently bitching and moaning the entire time he was there. I doubt he'll ever play in the NFL again.

[Thanas]

Our new kicker:

[Elfdart]

Oh, and Braylon Edwards beat out T.O.

Given a choice between two coach-killing, butterfingered receivers, Pete Carroll chose the younger one without the blown knee.


As I plumbed the depths of my own masochism, watching a horrible preseason game against the Vikings, I was once again afflicted with that vomit taste in the back of my throat -you know, that lemonade + Funyuns taste you get right before puking. Two weeks ago it was losing Ryan Mathews; last week it was Vincent Brown. This week it's Melvin Ingram being helped off the field.

Why in the name of Jesus Buttfucking Christ do they put starters and key backups on the field in these meaningless games? I asked the geniuses on Sirius NFL, why not just hold meet-and-greets with suckers season ticket holders? The arguments for these games are easily shot down:

1) Lost money from those two home games? If the meet-and-greet isn't enough, spread out the cost among the eight home games in the regular season. You know, the ones people actually want to see.

2) "Well the players risk injury in practice too". Great, why increase the risk for games that don't count? Even in regular season games and the playoffs, starters get pulled if the game is already decided -because there's no point getting them injured in meaningless action!

3) "The players need reps in live action". Pull the other one! The only part of regular season action that is simulated in preseason is garbage time: where players go through the motions while trying to avoid injury. Besides, how many reps is Ryan Mathews going to get while his broken collarbone heals? How many reps is Davin Joseph going to get now that the season is over for him because of a blown patella tendon?

FUCK PRESEASON FOOTBALL!

Now where's the Maalox?

[Falkenhayn]

Pink slips for Vince Young, hello...Tavaris Jackson? Mind explaining what's going on here, Buddy?

[Elfdart]

Tavaris Jackson is at best a mediocre backup, but he never flaked out and quit on his team once, let alone twice like Vince Young has.

[Havok]

Man. The Niner one sucks. All they had was "fair weather fans" and "Alex Smith sucks". I was really expecting some more bile there, but it almost seemed really forced compared to the rest.