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Language and work: I once advised a manager that the only way to go wrong asking a guy out was "Hey, wanna go fuck in the walk-in?" and she found it hilarious.

Napoleon the Clown wrote:Language and work: I once advised a manager that the only way to go wrong asking a guy out was "Hey, wanna go fuck in the walk-in?" and she found it hilarious.

Just curious, what's wrong about that approach, in your mind? My objections would be, "Eww, on food?" and, "Too cold to drop my pants," but other than that she'd be batting 1000.

Yeah if you it right, the heat from your friction will keep you warm even in a walk-in freezer. Plus cold can do nice things to the female anatomy.

Borgholio wrote:Yeah if you it right, the heat from your friction will keep you warm even in a walk-in freezer. Plus cold can do nice things to the female anatomy.

The facts that I did and enjoyed it anyway are not relevant here. It could've been better. ;]

Raw Shark wrote:

Napoleon the Clown wrote:Language and work: I once advised a manager that the only way to go wrong asking a guy out was "Hey, wanna go fuck in the walk-in?" and she found it hilarious.

Just curious, what's wrong about that approach, in your mind? My objections would be, "Eww, on food?" and, "Too cold to drop my pants," but other than that she'd be batting 1000.

It would be a bit too direct, considering both are Mormons. It would be hilarious, sure.

Also, the guy is the owner's son. So propositioning like that would be... risky. She had a huge crush on him and wanted to ask him out but wasn't sure how to do it. I did give her the serious advice of just asking him out.

Ah, right, Utah = Lots Of Mormons. Please forget that I tried to inject sense into that.

VERY DUMB STRIPPER: So, what do you do for a living?

YOUR DRIVER: I drive this taxi..?

Pff.

No matter how hot a girl is, after displaying stupidity like that, I'd lose interest. My anaconda don't want none unless you've got brains, hon.

Zeropoint wrote:Pff.

No matter how hot a girl is, after displaying stupidity like that, I'd lose interest. My anaconda don't want none unless you've got brains, hon.

My anaconda likes easy prey.

Sigh. My anaconda has forgotten what actual prey tastes like.

Zeropoint wrote:Sigh. My anaconda has forgotten what actual prey tastes like.

Like whipped cream and chocolate drizzled all over....erm... It's like whipped cream and chocolate.

A few inaccuracies (sexual cannibalism is not common, crocodiles can outmass them, and they can go months without eating if they get a good tapier tuck-in) but otherwise... cant help it. You fuckers.

Female co-worker walks by my desk as I'm reading my work emails, I don't even know she's there

Me: Arrrggh! You slut!
Co-worker: EXCUSE ME!! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??
Me: Wha? Oh, sorry, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my boss who just sent me a shitty email

Having watched the educational and real versions of the "Anaconda" video, I have to say that I find the parody girl more appealing. I actually like her voice better and the fact that she'd make an informative music video about snakes is cool. Also, chibi Nicki is cute. I'd like to smell her with my tongue.

Zeropoint wrote:Having watched the educational and real versions of the "Anaconda" video, I have to say that I find the parody girl more appealing. I actually like her voice better and the fact that she'd make an informative music video about snakes is cool. Also, chibi Nicki is cute. I'd like to smell her with my tongue.

PROTIP: Do not say any of the above to an actual woman if you want to avoid becoming a 40-year-old virgin.

~~~~~

BIRTHDAY GIRL: It's my birthday, and my phone got stolen!

YOUR DRIVER: That really sucks, I'm sorry that happened.

[later]

YOUR DRIVER: Would you like to add a tip?

BIRTHDAY GIRL: NO!

A few years back, was working on this martial arts-dimensional-travel-action movie wherein one of my main sets featured this big dimensional-travel machine, complete with big dimensional travel-machine operating console - with associated operator, which role would normally be played by an extra (no dialog) perhaps with stunt or fight training, as required. And the graphic designer who created most of the display graphics playing on the screens talked the director into putting him in costume and having -him- play the role of console-operator because hey, "I designed these graphics and controls, and there's a logic behind them, and it will look best if the operator is actually understanding the logic behind what he's operating, while operating it."

And in a scene during which one of the stars of the movie must quickly get at the console to work the controls, the actor (who after all has an action star's musculature, training, and the belief that he is working with a stunt person) grabs the graphic designer by the scruff and flings him face-first into the wall of the set.

Bloody nose and mouth, mild concussion, sent home early with the horrified and embarrassed actor apologizing profusely.

We had a good laugh.

I must applaud the set builders for creating a set of which you could bounce of a graphic designer with little to no damage to the set.

Would that have been The One with Jet Li? Cause that's what it kinda sounds like...

Elheru Aran wrote:Would that have been The One with Jet Li? Cause that's what it kinda sounds like...

Don't expect him to tell, though I suspect you're right.

On explaining how much a customer can borrow for a mortgage

Me: So, have you put an offer in on a property yet, Mrs Customer?
Mrs Customer: No, I figure I'll take out the mortgage now, and pay cash when I find a property.
Me: ... I think you'll have difficulty finding any lender who will be able to offer that sort of mortgage...
Mrs Customer: Oh, sellers usually offer discounts to cash buyers, and I don't want to lose a property.
Me: Well, I'm very sorry, but I don't think we'll be able to help you with that.
Mrs Customer: (Sounding genuinely hurt) You won't give my the loan, just for that?

Yes, she was asking us to lend her tens of thousands of pounds, secured on a house she had not even heard about yet.

Something I did worked out exactly how it was supposed to. Hooray. Someone broke into a shed we have out in BFE. Client called cops. We got a picture of the guy. He's been identified, now they're looking for him.

I show up Wednesday morning at 7am to assess the damage. Call boss.
Boss: "What's the damage?"
Me: "Not much because someone decided to put in hinges with removable pins, mounted externally, on a door you want to secure. He just popped 3 of the pins and probably got inside within 30 seconds. All those locks were money well spent!"
Boss: "Didn't think about that."
Me: "And who the Hell put my camera back in upside down?"
Boss: "I wanted to make sure the batteries were still good last time we were out there."
Me: "............................"
Boss: "What else?"
Me: "He cut the wire leading to the siren. More like pulled apart actually. He also punched... I think... the motion sensor. Like, actually punched it. I think I see knuckle marks."
Boss: "So, you just left the wires out to get cut.*"
Me: "Yes, I set it up so they would cut the wire and the siren would go off until the batteries went dead. Quick question, you know the little lockbox we keep the keys in? Someone left that keyed to the unlock combo.... The only reason someone would open that is if they needed the key to the camera lockbox....."
Boss: "........"
Me: "So... anyway I'm going to the store to get the hinges that should have been installed in the first place."

*See, I r smrat! I just put the motion sensor out in the open, mounted bare to the wall with the wire showing. So, when it goes off the instant you open the door, even if you cut the wires the siren (120dbs) just keep blaring. It, however, is in a steel lockbox. One of those for nature cameras that are designed to keep bears from breaking them. THAT thing is in 4 studs with about a bajillion 3" woodscrews. All this for $40 online. The damned Spypoint 4G camera set us back a few bucks though. When I got there, 12 hours after the incident, the siren was still going off, albeit not that loud since the batteries were almost dead.

So, I set up this whole bullshit system and it worked just like I wanted it to.... except for the picture of the guy being upside down.

Anyways, the conversation I had after we hung up was much more interesting. Namely because the best conversations I have are with myself.

YOUR DRIVER: Are you following the election yet?

DRUNK GUY: No, fuck politics. It's all hopeless. We're fucked no matter what we do, money rules everything now and no candidate in the race represents my interests.

YOUR DRIVER: Well, what are your primary concerns?

DRUNK GUY: [summarizing a long rant] I want single-payer health care and a repeal of Citizen's United.

YOUR DRIVER: Me too! That's why I'm supporting Sanders. He's exactly what you want.

DRUNK GUY: But Sanders is a Jew!

YOUR DRIVER: Oooookay, maybe not exactly what you want...

This is a succinct summary of how conservatives have managed to stay in power for the last 200 years. Most people agree with liberals on almost every issue, but if you can find that one thing or group of people that they are prejudiced against and set yourself up in opposition to it, you can get them to burn the entire house down and flip to the dark side.

Couple friday nights ago, at work, I'm doing my normal shift, and each friday night, I'm at the HOA Club house, where they have a bar, grill, and have happy hour. Drunk guy had too much to drink, so instead of letting him drive home, we call a taxi for him. He at first doesn't want to leave, so I'm brought in to make sure he doesn't leave and hurt himself.

Me: Ok sir, just relax and the taxi will be here in a bit to take you home.
Him: Ok, ok, let's do this, let's go, let's go, come on, let's go.

*After a couple mintues of him sitting there*

Him, looking at me like he's never seen me before: How dare you!
Me: What? I didn't do anything, you're not under arrest, you're just getting a taxi home.
Him: Oh, ok, come on, I gotta get home.

And about 30 seconds after that, he stands up, almost falls over, I reach out to steady him, he shoves me. Shoves my partner, and then lounges for me. Yeah, after that, we were done waiting for a taxi... Instead of a yellow car, he got to ride in the back of a nice black and white one.

INEXPERIENCED JOHN: Do you accept Visa?

YOUR DRIVER: [successfully contains laughter]

STREET HOOKER: Do I accept Visa. [lifts her skirt] Yeah, no problem. Go ahead and swipe your card right here, honey.

YOUR DRIVER: [fails to contain laughter]