MAGA CO-WORKER: So, I got molested when I was a kid.
ME: Holy shit, that's awful. I'm sorry that happened.
MAGA CO-WORKER: Thanks. It is what it is. It happened. I'm who I am because of it, I guess. God has a plan.
ME: Sure.
[time passes]
ME: Hey, MCW. Can I ask you for a favor, out back of the building?
MAGA CO-WORKER: [later] What's up?
ME: So, there's this guy who fucked a little kid. I need to kill him, but the plan I've got needs two people. I'll owe you one if you help me.
MAGA CO-WORKER: I'm in.
ME: Congratulations. You passed the test.
MAGA CO-WORKER: That's not real?
ME: Nah, I just wanted to know. We agree about something!
BOTH: [fist bump]
MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Moderator: Edi
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
NEW HAMPSHIRE: I want [this!]
ME: I want you to take it down a quarterer of a notch, man.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: [paraphrase] I have a weapon!
ME: Yes. You do. It's a Colt .357 Magnum, manufactured right here in the the US-Of-A. Carried in your right front pocket.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: How'd you know that!?
ME: My guy? Because I am familiar with firearms? You think you invented that? I see the 40 ounces weighing on your pocket so the magazine is in place, and do I really need to keep going here or can we just sell some cigarettes?
ME: I want you to take it down a quarterer of a notch, man.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: [paraphrase] I have a weapon!
ME: Yes. You do. It's a Colt .357 Magnum, manufactured right here in the the US-Of-A. Carried in your right front pocket.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: How'd you know that!?
ME: My guy? Because I am familiar with firearms? You think you invented that? I see the 40 ounces weighing on your pocket so the magazine is in place, and do I really need to keep going here or can we just sell some cigarettes?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
NMCW: Autistic People scare me a little. No offense.
ME: What? I am full of love and hugs.
NMCW: Bro.
ME: I am! Do you want a hug?
NMCW: [laughs and laughs] ... Actually, [paraphrase] I've been having a rough week and would that be weird?
ME: Bring it in, amigo!
ME: What? I am full of love and hugs.
NMCW: Bro.
ME: I am! Do you want a hug?
NMCW: [laughs and laughs] ... Actually, [paraphrase] I've been having a rough week and would that be weird?
ME: Bring it in, amigo!
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
NMCW: Is it is okay if I say I'm not okay with that person and she is probably autistic?
ME: Of course, bro. She's a total douchebag.
NMCW: Okay, I just wasn't sure if, um-
ME: We're not in some secret club that sticks together no matter what, you elegant bastard. She is a douche.
NMCW: Okay. That's kind of a relief.
ME: Just kidding! We are in some secret club and I'll be reporting this to central command so we can black bag you by morning and-
NMCW: Fuck you, man.
ME: Hahahahahahaha you know I love you, right?
NMCW: Yeah, I get that you're not all the the same and I just kind of...
ME: We're watching you!
NMCW: No really, fuck you, man.
ME: Of course, bro. She's a total douchebag.
NMCW: Okay, I just wasn't sure if, um-
ME: We're not in some secret club that sticks together no matter what, you elegant bastard. She is a douche.
NMCW: Okay. That's kind of a relief.
ME: Just kidding! We are in some secret club and I'll be reporting this to central command so we can black bag you by morning and-
NMCW: Fuck you, man.
ME: Hahahahahahaha you know I love you, right?
NMCW: Yeah, I get that you're not all the the same and I just kind of...
ME: We're watching you!
NMCW: No really, fuck you, man.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
HIGH-ROLLER: [is a little old lady with no legs because of diabetes who loves scratchers] Guess who's back!
NMCW: Back again.
ME: Shady's back.
NMCW: Tell a friend.
ME: Guess who's back.
NMCW: Guess who's back.
ME: Guess who's back.
NMCW: Guess who's back.
ME: Guess who's back.
ALL: BAH-NAH-NAH!
HIGH-ROLLER: I've created a monster!
NMCW: Cuz nobody wanna see Marshall anymore!
ME: I'm chopped liver!
NMCW: Back again.
ME: Shady's back.
NMCW: Tell a friend.
ME: Guess who's back.
NMCW: Guess who's back.
ME: Guess who's back.
NMCW: Guess who's back.
ME: Guess who's back.
ALL: BAH-NAH-NAH!
HIGH-ROLLER: I've created a monster!
NMCW: Cuz nobody wanna see Marshall anymore!
ME: I'm chopped liver!
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
"High Roller" is probably the most apt nickname I've ever assigned here. Lady's got no legs, gambles like a fiend, and smokes mad trees. Who can blame her? Grab onto whatever happiness you can and don't let go, ma'am.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
[BLAST FROM THE PAST!]
CO-WORKER: It's okay! I'll give you the money!
ROBBER: That's right, put it in the bag!
ME: [bursts out of the back room, wearing my WWII gas mask and holding my gun] YOU'RE NOT ROBBING THIS PLACE! I'M ROBBING THIS PLACE!!!
ROBBER: [runs for it]
CO-WORKER: [hyperventilating] You. Are. Fucking. Crazy.
ME: Oh, c'mon. It worked, didn't it?
-----
Once you stop caring about your own safety, the rest is so easy.
CO-WORKER: It's okay! I'll give you the money!
ROBBER: That's right, put it in the bag!
ME: [bursts out of the back room, wearing my WWII gas mask and holding my gun] YOU'RE NOT ROBBING THIS PLACE! I'M ROBBING THIS PLACE!!!
ROBBER: [runs for it]
CO-WORKER: [hyperventilating] You. Are. Fucking. Crazy.
ME: Oh, c'mon. It worked, didn't it?
-----
Once you stop caring about your own safety, the rest is so easy.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
I actually do have a 1940s-style gas mask. I got it around when I first read Neil Gaiman's, "Sandman." So it's kind of a geek thing. But if you ever want to scare the holy crap out of somebody, can recommend. You show up with that on your face and nobody thinks you're fucking around. That's about where people stop thinking you're fucking around.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: It's been nice knowing you guys.
ME: What, you're moving?
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: The next president is going to deport me.
ME: Bro. You are literally an American citizen.
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: I know that, and you know that. But I don't think he knows that.
ME: ...facts.
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Where will he even deport me to?
ME: Y'know, Cheech and Chong made a movie about this 40 years ago.
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Are you thinking what I am thinking?
ME: Yeah, I, uh, need you to see something out back for a minute, bud...
ME: What, you're moving?
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: The next president is going to deport me.
ME: Bro. You are literally an American citizen.
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: I know that, and you know that. But I don't think he knows that.
ME: ...facts.
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Where will he even deport me to?
ME: Y'know, Cheech and Chong made a movie about this 40 years ago.
PUERTO-RICAN CO-WORKER: Are you thinking what I am thinking?
ME: Yeah, I, uh, need you to see something out back for a minute, bud...
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
RABBIT T-SHIRT: Yeah, since we won the election, all the blue-hairs are gonna be crying and scared.
ME: Hol' up a second. Let me get a blue-hair's opinion on this. Hey, 'Line!? C'mere.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Yeah?
ME: You scared of this guy?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Nah, he kinda looks like a sub. Maybe likes pegging.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: What?
ME: You heard the lady. She thinks you enjoy getting your ass fucked. Deliver your rebuttal.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: Uh.
ME: We're waiting.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Tell me what you think about me fucking you with my ten inch strap-on, you little Nazi bitch. It's black, if that sweetens the pot.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: Are you trying to pick a fight with me?
ME: Are you fucking stupid? Yes. We are.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Obviously.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: I have a gun in my truck!
ME: How fast are you? 'Cuz your truck's over there.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Maybe you should just get in it and drive away, pussy.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: [squirrels off]
ME: I like your hair like that, by the way. Suits your complexion. What kind of maintenance does that need?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Eh. Too much. I'm not keeping it for long.
ME: Hol' up a second. Let me get a blue-hair's opinion on this. Hey, 'Line!? C'mere.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Yeah?
ME: You scared of this guy?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Nah, he kinda looks like a sub. Maybe likes pegging.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: What?
ME: You heard the lady. She thinks you enjoy getting your ass fucked. Deliver your rebuttal.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: Uh.
ME: We're waiting.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Tell me what you think about me fucking you with my ten inch strap-on, you little Nazi bitch. It's black, if that sweetens the pot.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: Are you trying to pick a fight with me?
ME: Are you fucking stupid? Yes. We are.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Obviously.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: I have a gun in my truck!
ME: How fast are you? 'Cuz your truck's over there.
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Maybe you should just get in it and drive away, pussy.
RABBIT T-SHIRT: [squirrels off]
ME: I like your hair like that, by the way. Suits your complexion. What kind of maintenance does that need?
TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Eh. Too much. I'm not keeping it for long.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
"The flawless battle, is when you didn't have to fight."
--Master Tzu
--Master Tzu
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Okay. I'm not usually trying to go game on with fist flying with those redhat fucks. But that guy was really pushing my buttons and my little girl was right there ready to fuck him up, so I just did it. Father-daughter activities. Actually, she seemed like she was having some fun there. And she deserves some fun. You know what? I don't care very much anymore. Our civilization's completely over, anyway. I just do things.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
CO-WORKER: Shark. Can you break my forearm?
ME: Well, yeah.
CO-WORKER: Would you?
ME: Um. Why?
CO-WORKER: I need a month off.
ME: Okay, but you're not going to blame this on me, right?
CO-WORKER: Of course not, I'll say I slipped in the kitchen!
ME: [deep breath] Okay. Ready?
ME: Well, yeah.
CO-WORKER: Would you?
ME: Um. Why?
CO-WORKER: I need a month off.
ME: Okay, but you're not going to blame this on me, right?
CO-WORKER: Of course not, I'll say I slipped in the kitchen!
ME: [deep breath] Okay. Ready?
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
I mean, the things we've done together she knows goddamn well I can break her forearm. I think she was just kind of looking for permission. I don't know.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Did you fucking break her arm?!?!?!!?
Me: Nope, that's why I have you around to tell me.
Nitram: You -are- beautiful. Anyone tries to tell you otherwise kill them.
"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. LLAP" -- Leonard Nimoy, last Tweet
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
I asked her like 20 times if she was sure and she eventually thought of a better solution to her dilemma. I really didn't want to. Caught in the weird place between being helpful and being non-violent there.
I mean, I wanted to help, but I was trying to signal that I thought she should go about it differently, and she got the message eventually from my hesitation I guess? Anyway, I kind of wrote it up in a dramatic way because that's how I felt at the time and I do aim to entertain you all.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Clarification: No, I most certainly did not break her arm. Spent an hour talking her out of it and finding a different solution. Just thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach.
I don't believe in violence. I'm just really good at it.
I don't believe in violence. I'm just really good at it.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
You need to have that clarification right off the bat Shark.
I've been asked why I still follow a few of the people I know on Facebook with 'interesting political habits and view points'.
It's so when they comment on or approve of something, I know what pages to block/what not to vote for.
It's so when they comment on or approve of something, I know what pages to block/what not to vote for.
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
I realize that now, I've just been in a weird mood with everything that's happened this week.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
Same co-worker "slipped in the kitchen" and hit her head on a wall the other day. I'm not sure if she did it deliberately or not. She let me check her out for a concussion, but I think she might've done it deliberately. Her pupils looked okay, though. I told her to go to the hospital anyway and she did. So I guess she got her days off either way.
I hurt people, sometimes. But when somebody is already hurt, I do first aid automatically. A head wound is always serious, and I swore a solemn oath, as an Eagle Scout. I have great potential for violence inside of me, but also great potential for empathy and healing. Every human being deserves the chance to fight another day.
"Do I contradict myself? If so, then I contradict myself. I contain multitudes."
--Walt Whitman
I hurt people, sometimes. But when somebody is already hurt, I do first aid automatically. A head wound is always serious, and I swore a solemn oath, as an Eagle Scout. I have great potential for violence inside of me, but also great potential for empathy and healing. Every human being deserves the chance to fight another day.
"Do I contradict myself? If so, then I contradict myself. I contain multitudes."
--Walt Whitman
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
[wrong thread]
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Re: MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines
MAGA CO-WORKER: So, I depend on social services. Food stamps, social security.
ME: So, I'm, not trying to get up into your bid'ness. but why would you EVER vote for a guy like that?
MAGA CO-WORKER: Because he's a Christian!
ME: ...is he, though?
_____
So much buyer's remorse coming in my society. Not great.
ME: So, I'm, not trying to get up into your bid'ness. but why would you EVER vote for a guy like that?
MAGA CO-WORKER: Because he's a Christian!
ME: ...is he, though?
_____
So much buyer's remorse coming in my society. Not great.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker