NFL 2013

[Thanas]

From the Lions one:

THE ONLY FUCKING TIME MY OLD MAN EVER EXPRESSES ANY HOPE OR OPTIMISM IS WHEN FOOTBALL SEASON APPROACHES. “HEY THEYRE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD THIS YEAR. WHO KNOWS?” WHO KNOWS? I FUCKING KNOW AND IVE ONLY BEEN WATCHING THIS FUCKING TEAM HALF AS LONG AS HE HAS. SIX WEEKS INTO THE SEASON THOUGH HE FINALLY GETS IT. THE LIONS DO SOME DUMB SHIT AND HES BACK TO HIS POSTGAME RITUAL OF TRASHING THE PLACE IN A MOTHERFUCKING RAGE AND GOING TO BED AT 5PM

POPS ONCE TOLD ME WITH AN INFUCKINGEXPRESSABLY SAD SERIOUSNESS “I WONT REST IN PEACE UNTIL THE LIONS WIN A SUPER BOWL. I MAY BE DEAD WHEN IT HAPPENS BUT WHEN THEY WIN ONE I’LL KNOW.” SERIOUSLY HE TOLD ME THAT SHIT ONCE. AND THATS WHY I WILL DESPISE MATT MILLEN UNTIL MY DYING BREATH. MATT MILLEN STOLE EIGHT YEARS FROM MY FATHER. EIGHT LONG YEARS. AND IF I EVER SEE THAT EMIL MUZZ LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER I’M GONNA COLLECT THAT DEBT TO THE FUCKING SECOND

FUCKING LIONS. A TEAM SO FUCKING SHITTY THAT IT MADE AN ARMY FIRST LIEUTENANT SAY FUCK IT I QUIT. WE LEVERAGE LEAGUE LEADERS INTO LOSING SEASONS AND ALLTIME GREATS INTO TOTAL MEDIOCRITY. WE REFLECT OUR CITY’S DYSFUNCTION MISMANAGEMENT MISERY AND PIGHEADED STUPIDITY LIKE A FUCKING MIRROR AND WE ALWAYS KID OURSELVES THAT IT’S SOMEHOW GETTING BETTER. SQUEAKY FROMME WASNT AS DELUDED AS WE ARE

THIS IS A TEAM WITH A CULTURE SO FUCKED UP THAT ONE OF THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMEN IN OUR TEAM HISTORY PROUDLY DECLARED THAT HE REPEATEDLY LET HIS QB GET DEMOLISHED BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE THE GUY. AND THIS WAS BACK WHEN WE ACTUALLY MADE THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS ON A REGULAR BASIS IF YOUR IMAGINATION CAN CONJURE SUCH A CIRCUMSTANCE. THAT’S OUR LIONS: EVEN WHEN THEYRE FLAILING ON THE CUSP OF GREATNESS THEY STILL FIND TIME TO BACKBITE AND FUMBLEFUCK AROUND. WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FUCK UP AND LET EVERYBODY DOWN.

DRAFT PICKS BURNED LIKE AUTUMN LEAVES. CHARLES ROGERS CAPS HIS 12-GAME PROFESSIONAL CAREER BY THREATENING TO MURDER HIS MOTHER AND PASSING OUT IN HIS BOOTH AT ON THE BORDER IN NOVI LIKE A FUCKING WINO. MIKE WILLIAMS SPENDS TWO YEARS FATTING AROUND IN DETROIT BEFORE GETTING FOLDED INTO A DOGSHIT TRADE WITH OAKLAND THAT ILLUSTRATED THE CONCEPT OF SUNK COST BETTER THAN ANY ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK EVER FUCKING COULD.

AND ALL THE WHILE WERE DICKING AROUND WITH THESE LOSERS ANDRE JOHNSON AND DEMARCUS WARE ARE DOWN IN TEXAS RACKING UP ALLPRO HONORS LIKE REGGIE ROGERS RACKS UP VEHICULAR HOMICIDES AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS THE ALL-SEEING ALL-RAPING RINGBEARING FOOTBALL GOD OF YINZERLAND. THE MIND REELS

EVEN THE GOOD PICKS ARE WASTED IN THAT SPECIAL DETROIT WAY. MATTHEW STAFFORD? SURE THE FUCKING GUY LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE OUT LOOKING FOR ONE EYED WILLIE’S TREASURE BUT THE FACT IS HE’S THE FIRST LIONS QUARTERBACK IN DECADES THATS WORTH A BENT DICK AND YET SOMEHOW AFTER FOUR YEARS IN THE LEAGUE AND A COUPLE SEASONS OF MONSTER STATS AND A PLAYOFF APPEARANCE HIS CAREER HIGHLIGHT REMAINS THAT TIME IN HIS ROOKIE YEAR WHEN HE PEELED HIMSELF OFF THE FIELD TO GET THE WIN IN A SHOOTOUT WITH BRADY FUCKING QUINN OF ALL FUCKING CLIPBOARD STANDS. IT WAS A FEAT OF HEROISM SO BOLD AND SO MEANINGLESS IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BURNING BUILDING TO SAVE A GOLDFISH. WE WENT 2-14 THAT YEAR AND WE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT GAME LIKE IT WAS OUR PERSONAL FUCKING SEA OF HANDS.

COACHES COME TO DETROIT TO FUCKING DIE AND OFTEN RIGHTLY SO. THAT FUCKING IMBECILE MARTY MORNHINWEG FOR INSTANCE. FUCKING GUY WINNING THE COIN TOSS THEN STUPEFUCKINGFYINGLY GIVING THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING BEARS WHO OF COURSE PROMPTLY SCORE. HE SHOULDVE BEEN COURT-MARTIALED AND EXECUTED RIGHT THEN AND FUCKING THERE. EITHER THEN OR THAT TIME HE MADE SOME BIG PRODUCTION OF ROARING OUT OF PRACTICE ON HIS HARLEY LIKE HE WAS CLAY FUCKING MORROW AND NOT SOME OVERPROMOTED DIPSHIT WITH NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER MANNING THE CAPTAINS WHEEL. I CAN SCARCELY DREAM UP A MORE FITTING HELL FOR AN ASSHOLE LIKE THAT THAN BEING TASKED WITH UNTANGLING THE LOW RENT QUARTERBACK CLUSTERFUCK IN THE JETS CAMP

THEN IT WAS STEVE MARIUCCI. THE MITT ROMNEY OF NFL COACHES. THAT BLAND WEATHERMAN VENEER OF COMPETENCE WITH THE UNMISTAKABLE AIR OF A MAN WHO WOULD RATHER BE ANYFUCKINGPLACE ELSE. DUDE ONLY CAME TO DETROIT AS A FAVOR TO HIS FAT STUPID FRIEND WHO WAS TOO FUCKING DUMB TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS HIMSELF. KINDA LIKE NED STARK. TURNED OUT ABOUT THE SAME WAY FOR HIM TOO

AFTER THAT WAS MARINELLI BRINGING THE KIND OF DARK ARITHMETIC THAT TRANSFORMS 6-2 TO 7-9 TO 0-16. NOW ITS COACH SCHWARTZ SWIRLING DOWN THE DRAIN. HE TAKES HIS FASHION CUES FROM THE DOG WHISPERER AND ALL HE THINKS ABOUT ON GAMEDAY IS WHETHER HE SHOULD LISTEN TO BILLY SQUIER OR THE FUCKING SCORPIONS. BUT AT LEAST HIS HEART’S IN IT. AND THAT PASSIONS GONNA SERVE HIM WELL IN A YEAR AFTER HES SCORED THAT PLUM ASSISTANT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG WITH THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS.

THESE ARE THE DETROIT FUCKING LIONS WERE TALKING ABOUT. EVEN IF IT’S THE BEST CASE SCENARIO EVEN IF MY EVERY LAST FUCKING ROCKHARD REGULAR SEASON FANTASY COMES TRUE IN THE END SOMEHOW THEY WILL UNDO IT ALL.

BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO THE DETROIT LIONS THERE IS NO FAIRY TALE. ITS ALL JUST A BIG JERKOFF. A SADISTIC FUCKING TORTURE GAME PUT ON FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF MILLIONAIRES WITH MISTER RICTUS HIMSELF WILLIAM CLAY FUCKING FORD SENIOR PULLING THE STRINGS. HA HA MADE YA CARE!

UGH. FUCKING LIONS.

[Terralthra]

I lost it around "AND ALL THE WHILE WERE DICKING AROUND WITH THESE LOSERS ANDRE JOHNSON AND DEMARCUS WARE ARE DOWN IN TEXAS RACKING UP ALLPRO HONORS LIKE REGGIE ROGERS RACKS UP VEHICULAR HOMICIDES AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS THE ALL-SEEING ALL-RAPING RINGBEARING FOOTBALL GOD OF YINZERLAND. THE MIND REELS". My wife was staring at me.

[Thanas]

From the Bears one:

Here's life as Jay Cutler explained in terms of Illinois's finest 24-hour burger joints:

SINGLE SHITBURGER: The Bears traded away Greg Olson - their only successful first-round pick since their trip to the Super Bowl - because the voices in Mike Martz's head told him that every time a tight end catches a pass, an angel loses its wings.

DOUBLE SHITBURGER: Before Brandon Marshall's arrival last year, the Bears' receiving corps was headlined by Earl Bennett, Johnny Knox and Devin "HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW THAT CATCHING A PASS AND FIELDING A KICK ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS" Hester. Cutler somehow managed to make Bennett and Knox look like NFL-grade receivers despite the fact that they would have been #5 options on real offenses.

TRIPLE SHITBURGER WITH FRIES - Cutler consistently leads the league in sacks taken, thanks to an O-line anchored by J'Marcus Webb, scouts and coaches that turned two first-round tackles into diddley and squat, and a rotating cast of turnstiles at guard. The two best O-linemen during Cutler's tenure in Chicago have been the carcass of Orlando Pace and the geriatric Roberto Garza, both of whom were drafted before the NSA acquired the right and the capability to read this email, and whose Pro Bowl years were well behind them.

And I haven't even mentioned the coaching! Starting with Lovie Smith, who's about as interested in his offense's performance as Buddy Ryan was, continually vowing to "get off the bus running." His offensive co-ordinators were Mike Martz, who attempted to run the Greatest Show on Turf with none of the talent he had in St. Louis. The O-line couldn't protect Cutler long enough to finish his seven-step drops, which didn't stop Martz from calling them by the dozen. After Martz left, Mike Tice was promoted from offensive line coach to OC because why the hell not.

But if Cutler had shown CHICAGO TOUGHNESS and continued playing (poorly) on a shredded MCL, everything would be fine.

I'm not surprised that Cutler has taken to yelling at everyone else associated with this shitshow of an offense. I'm just surprised that he hasn't taken to drink, or attempted to axe-murder Chris Williams on the sidelines./quote]


From the Vikings:

Christian Ponder. Any positive statement about the Vikings can be countered with “Yeah, but Ponder sucks.” Adrian Peterson is really good! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. Holy shit, look at all the shiny new first rounders in camp! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. That Harrison Smith sure seems gritty! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. It’s like putting an Italian cruise ship captain in charge of Seal Team Six.

From the chargers one:

Your quarterback: Neo-Promise Keeper Philip Rivers, aka Marmalard, aka King Laserface. I watched the Chargers game last night and within three seconds of tuning in, Marmalard had already thrown a pick and was in the ref's grill with his arms outstretched in his best THE FUCK, BRO?! stance. I'd give anything for someone to post a Vine of Rivers getting redassed at his local Walmart clerk. It would be a thing of majesty. His temper is like clockwork. I want him to retire, join the Monday Night Football booth, and spend the entire broadcast yelling, "Well, that is just shit, right there. THAT IS A SHIT PLAY."

Rivers is now 31 years old. He has 26 children and no functional knees or shoulders. He is done. So very done. Every game this season will feature him turning the ball over three times in the first 57 minutes of play, then furiously racking up 200 yards in the final three minutes of a blowout to help get his fantasy score out of negative integers. His receiving options include a healthy stable of #4 wideouts and Antonio Gates' two club feet.

[Elfdart]

Gabe has the best one:

Gabe:

I had a really long screed of Chargers hate, but this bit told me pretty much everything you need to know about the team and its "ownership."...

"The same edition of San Diego Social Diary features a photo of A.G. Spanos and Kamri Collins, also headed to the altar. Kamri is a Chargers cheerleader. A.G. is the grandson of Chargers majority owner A.G. (Alex) Spanos, and son of Chargers head Dean Spanos.

"A.G. was named executive vice president of the Chargers in July of 2011. According to the wedding website, they met when A.G. was on the judges panel for the 2006-2007 Charger Girl auditions. The site says she didn't do well in the interview but 'A.G. insisted she make the team.'

"At the time, both were in 'different relationships', says the wedding information."

They've given up the idea of winning championships, and "games," but maybe they can give the younger members of the family a chance to get laid.

Remember that Schottenheimer was fired after a 14-2 season because he wanted to hire his brother Kurt as defensive coordinator, a job he had held with the Lions, on the grounds that Dean Spanos doesn't approve of nepotism.

Oh, and Adam sums up the last decade in this concise manner:

Fuck Marlon McCree. Cocksmith.

I for one can't wait for the "We Want Norv!" signs, which should start popping up around the first week of October.

[Alferd Packer]

Why the Bills suck:

We haven't made the playoffs in 13 years. During that time, our highlights include:

1. Getting beat by the Steelers third stringers in the fourth quarter at home in Week 16, after which my friend punched his dad in the face because he had recently moved to Pittsburgh and become a Steelers fan while I, allegedly, cried in the stands.

2. Getting beat 8 to 0 by the Browns in Week 15 in one of the snowiest games ever, after which I, allegedly, got in a fight with a 70 year old man in a hotel lobby in downtown Cleveland.

3. Beating the Patriots in Week 3 for the first time since I was in high school, after which I, allegedly, chugged a full pitcher of beer and poured another one on my head before peeing on my friend to celebrate.

Cannot stop laughing.

[Thanas]

Anybody who still believes the Patriots knew nothing, suspected nothing and were doing everything they could should read this article.
http://www.rollingstone.com/feature/the ... the-huddle

[Elfdart]

What on earth were Kraft and Belichick thinking by hiring a head of security from the UK with almost zero connections in local law enforcement?

[Thanas]

So...a game happened and we lost due to our TEs not catching anything. Dallas Clark must have been paid off by the Broncos, for that is the only explanation for his complete and utter suck.

Oh, and Michael Huff should walk back to Oakland if those are his cover and tackling "skills".

Jimmy Smith still gets beaten by double moves despite being a third year guy in this league.

Our undrafted Rookie safety is too stupid not to run into our returner.

[Havok]

Hahahaha

[Vaporous]

From the Eagles one:

About a decade ago, I took my wife to an Eagles game. My family have been season ticket-holders since the 1940s, and she recognized that this was an integral aspect of our family life about which she needed to learn if she was ever to truly understand us. Knowing what she would see, I was hesitant, but she prevailed upon me to take her and, against my better judgment, I did so. To a game against the Cowboys.

We arrived at our seats about an hour before kickoff, as is my habit. This was the last year of Veterans Stadium, and the family's seats were in the 700 Level. For those unfamiliar with that term, this bears explanation: the 700 Level consisted of the worst seats at the Vet and was home to a crowd that made the Oakland Coliseum's "Black Hole" look precious by comparison. By kickoff, my wife had witnessed three separate acts of violence, one drunk falling down the stairs and, apparently, a group of women smoking "something chemical" in the Ladies' Room.

As kickoff occurred, the gentleman who customarily sat to my right had yet to arrive. He showed up halfway through the first quarter, grinning from ear to ear as he brandished his bloody hands, having apparently been "kicking some Cowboy fan ass in the parking lot." This gentleman (whom I am compelled to add was but one member of a large group of Teamsters that sat in our section and tended to behave with all the decorum for which the Teamsters are so justifiably renowned) proceeded to shake a half-dozen beer cans out of the sleeves of his jacket, scan the crowd for Cowboys fans, and, finding one 10 rows down, popped a can and threw it so that it hit the poor schmuck in back of his head, exploding on impact.

Soaked and dazed, the guy unwisely stood up, turned around and demanded - profanely - to know who had thrown the can. At this point, the Teamsters (and much of the rest of the section) jumped to their feet and charged - not down the aisles, mind you, but over the seats which declined downward at a steep angle. The Cowboys fan was subsumed in a mass of drunken, howling rage, and until the cops arrived, all that could be seen him were bits of his jersey that were being torn off and thrown from the scrum.

When the cops arrived, they arrested the Cowboys fan for disturbing the peace. I had to explain to my wife that this was pretty much an average Sunday at the Vet.

Things were never the same between us. She left me about a year later.

[Elfdart]

An Eagles game is the last place you should take a wife or kids.

[Havok]

You have to believe that Lewis and Reed are smiling. Not because the Ravens got bitch slapped, but just because their presence was so clearly missed and that would have NEVER have happened on their watch.

[Thanas]

Hahahaha

Well, at least we are still undefeated in superbowls.

You have to believe that Lewis and Reed are smiling. Not because the Ravens got bitch slapped, but just because their presence was so clearly missed and that would have NEVER have happened on their watch.

Not on Reed's presence, no. Not worth what the Texans were shilling out though.

[Elfdart]

What's with all the safeties this Sunday?

[Thanas]

Hey, the entire AFC North lost.

[RogueIce]

So apparently the Bucs had the game against the Jets, stopped the QB late in the 4th quarter and were ahead by 2. Then they got a personal foul penalty in the freaking sidelines which let the Jets make a game-winning field goal. At least from what I heard.

*facepalm*

Please tell me that wasn't true.

[Lord Relvenous]

So apparently the Bucs had the game against the Jets, stopped the QB late in the 4th quarter and were ahead by 2. Then they got a personal foul penalty in the freaking sidelines which let the Jets make a game-winning field goal. At least from what I heard.

*facepalm*

Please tell me that wasn't true.

Yuuuuuup.

The Bucs put together a 2 minute drive held together by a ~13 yard run by Martin on 3rd down, and a ~15 yard catch by Jackson on 3rd and 10. And then fucking Lavonte David blows it by pushing Geno Smith when the Jets only had 7 seconds left with no timeouts on the 50 yard line.

[Elfdart]

As moronic as that play was, it was nothing compared to Vincent Jackson's Freddie Mitchell impression a few minutes earlier. I don't know who #70 is for Tampa Bay, but he gave Jackson a well-deserved MFIC scolding on the sidelines after that piss poor effort.

[Havok]

What did we give up for Boldin? A 7th rounder?

The Packers shut down our run and Kaepernick went for over 400 and 3TDs.

I am super impressed by our rookie safety Reid replacing Goldson.

Aldon got a couple soft sacks, but they counted. The pass rush overall was OK, but it will improve.

Nnamdi looked pretty good playing back in the spot he played in Oakland mostly on the right side and it showed.

Our D looked a little soft in the secondary but I would argue that Rogers is the best QB we will see by far until Brees in mid November.

I'm not even worried about saying that these are probably the best two teams in the NFC if not the NFL.

Kyle Williams and Kendall Hunter looked to have bounced back great from their injuries.

I am disappointed with the almost complete lack of running game by the Niners, but it also didn't to appear we were even trying to.

P.S. We are still going to get Crabtree and Manningham back this season.

[Havok]

The switch to Kiffin's 4-3 is a pretty impressive improvement.

[Havok]

I really hope Cowboy fans aren't too excited about this win. It took SIX turnovers and they still barely won.

[Falkenhayn]

The switch to Kiffin's 4-3 is a pretty impressive improvement.

Having lived with Wannstache's fossilized, vanilla 43 scheme, it my eyebrows twitch at the mention. What's special about Kiffin's?


Pats shut down CJ, the offense couldn't stay on the field, and couldn't execute in the late game. Mike Pettine earned his money, but you don't win by giving Tom Brady 38 minutes on the ball.

[Thanas]

Manuel played well though.

[Falkenhayn]

Of course. One day the Bills may put in a complete performance against a team other than KC.

[Elfdart]

The switch to Kiffin's 4-3 is a pretty impressive improvement.

Having lived with Wannstache's fossilized, vanilla 43 scheme, it my eyebrows twitch at the mention. What's special about Kiffin's?

Discipline and talent level.