Rogue 11 wrote:I know full well rationally that this isn't my fault. I knew even as I tried to get contact with him when I got the note that I was unlikely at best to succeed, but I had to try even so. That was both rationally and emotionally the right thing to do. They certainly couldn't make things worse.
Emotionally there are parts of me that insist there must have been SOMETHING I could have done. I still can't find anything. Been going over what was said/done in recent history all day. And I honestly can't find anything I could have done differently. I still can't find any signs that it was that bad now. And only perfect knowledge of what he was about to do would have had me focus to talk him out of it.
I don't know if that is worse or better than having screwed up. On one hand it frees me from any culpability. That I could just about do nothing in this case. On the other it means that I was utterly powerless to deal with this. That it was essentially being tied to the tracks in front of a fully loaded express train with no way out.
I have sent an email with condolences to his family. I wonder if I should send to the other parent as well given that IIRC parents were divorced, but I can't just copy/paste what I wrote the first time and writing one took a lot out of me.
You probably shouldn't try to valuate your actions in terms of "better" or "worse". You reacted and tried, which is actually commendable. I actually know how it will go now: you will go over and over the matter for a good long while, before you come to terms with it. Either way, it's rare for people to actually spot the "warning signs" for suicide even if they know the person intimately ; Don't beat yourself up that you couldn't do so.
It's good that you speak your mind about it, even to complete strangers, and I for one ain't gonna judge you for rambling about the matter on a forum. Putting emotions in writing or speech helps immensely, and is way healthier than getting smashed in order to forget.